This is a question that seems to follow all my weight loss attempts like a shadow. Why would I actually want to lose weight?
Well, it has a lot to do with how other people perceive me, how sometimes I feel limited in my style and I'm judged more harshly if I dress a certain way, I avoid going to the doctor because I'm afraid he'll brush me off or judge me more harshly if I get certain tests wrong (I started having high blood pressure readings if I don't have time to settle myself first. I'm so scared it will be high that it gets high. The second reading typically is normal to low and I apparently have stellar blood tests every time. I'm always so scared they wouldn't be because of how they would judge me more harshly because I am big).
But then, is any of that a problem of my size? It causes problems for me, but is that a basis for me to feel bad about myself, to do things I might not be comfortable doing? Why should I? "They" are the ones making me uncomfortable, making the world an unnecessarily difficult place for me (but then, it's mostly me inserting thoughts into their heads). It's not my size as such, that's just a trigger, a hook for the real problem here, really.
I don't like being the size I am, plain as that. Why? I can't tell. Am I brainwashed? Am I afraid my partner will leave me, even though he tells me I am beautiful every day? Why is it so hard for me to believe he sees me that way? Do I get all caught up in what "they" tell me I should be, I should do, to the point where I can't tell what I want myself to be? I don't like the way things are, but why is it such a big deal? Am I making it into a big deal in my head? Why?
Why?
Why is it my body, my weight, when I am quite comfortable with where I am going in my life otherwise? Why does it feel like something I can't let go either way (either lose it or not care).
What makes me so scared of being seen as attractive to random men? Afraid of being attacked? Creating bad blood when I need to reject someone's advances? Why can't they just be friends? They are certainly capable of it now... Therefore it's possible. Why then do they go all stupid when they see an attractive girl... a half of the world population lost. I don't want to participate in the mating dance as I am taken (and even when I wasn't, I preferred to approach on my terms), but as a female I seem to have no choice in that matter. Why does nobody else find it scary? How can some girls find it flattering even? Why am I told I should want this? If I were a guy, I just wouldn't approach anybody if I didn't feel like it, but a woman can't choose if she's in or not.
I feel like I exist in a social twilight, where certain rules don't apply and I'm a little removed from everything. There's a lot of freedom to gain from that. Safe from pressure, safe from undue expectations... and safe from a whole another brand of judgment based on the fact that I would be widely perceived as a sexual being and not much more than that. Being friends with guys, I know how attraction can turn nastily bitter.
But then, if this is all there is to it, why am I bothered by the weight at all? And I am. I want it gone. Why, though?
I think I got it. I have this little exercise that helps me to identify hidden motivation and fear. In a relaxed meditative state, I say out loud the thing I want. I watch what sensations it creates in my body. Wherever there is discomfort I direct my attention and try to identify the discomfort. It usually works pretty well.
It didn't work that well with this topic. Typically this means there are deep seated issues. With "I want to lose weight" I felt extreme panic in my upper right chest area. Something about the bullying I sustained as a child came forth. Something about "please, don't make them right" Not accepting their view of me, not acting on their idea. I am fat - I am wrong (because if I am not wrong, why change?). If they were right, all they said and did was right... On the second go there was fear, feeling unsafe by men's attention, going back to my mum and her overreliance on me. Her greatest fear was me finding a man and leaving her. She didn't treat me... particularly well... but then, turns out she was developing schizophrenia. Something you don't want in a single caretaker.
With "I want to be fat" I didn't have such a violently oppositional feeling. Just a sense of growing smaller in my lower stomach. Resignation. Loss of will. Going with the flow. Lack of ambition. I didn't like that. I guess my "WHY" is... that my body is not meant to be this way. There's all this potential I am not using. I am angry at myself for not taking advantage of it, never in my life having the experience of having my body work under optimal conditions...
I think I have an action plan in mind. The things that make weight loss so "bad" need to be addressed.
1) re-define my identity from the inside
2) deal with stuck anger that turned passive aggressive (being fat to make a point)
3) get comfortable with non-explosive casual boundary setting and don't run from conflict
4) come to terms with the idea of being desirable
I think it’s admirable that you’re not only willing to explore yourself and your issues but that you are also willing to “do the work”. I had to work through some of these same things and it took a while, and it’s ongoing but it was worth the effort. You’re always worth the effort. Kudos.
Thank you so much for your reply and encouraging words, TheMeIwant2be
I seem to be rather engrossed in this project.
Identity seems like such a loaded term. I seem to struggle less with the "deep" me as I struggle with the social me, the "persona". I don't have any concrete mode of operating in the world and typically create one based on people's reactions to me. It should be the other way around. I think I understand what I need to do about it. The personae I am to create should reflect the "deep me", use the resources and strengths I can access there, instead of trying to put on a role without much connection to myself...
One thing I broke through, though - earlier this year I moved in with my boyfriend and while it's all around amazing, food is a bit of a problem. Thankfully we both are "one portion of meat a week is enough" type of people, but he runs better on carbs and gets sick on excessively fatty food. I run better on a high fat diet, too much carbs make me jittery. But the fact is that bread, rice and pasta do make for cheaper meals. We struggled financially because I lost the job I found at the new place and couldn't find a new one straight away. I was too afraid to say that I want more cheese or more eggs - and some veggies when we're at it - and ate bread to fill myself instead. And while I kept my previous (though minor) loss for about half a year, I ballooned up since we've moved together.
Well, the breakthrough - I finally got the courage to say what I need. There was no problem with it. Turns out he'd appreciate more vegetables in the house as well.
Now the only problem remaining to tackle with our cohabiting- I was walking a lot at my old place. I knew the area, had my favorite spots, felt safe there even when walking at night (a 3AM walk in the middle of the fields, anyone?). Now I live in a much more metropolitan area. Even though there is a forest near and it runs off to a total "wilderness", I just don't feel safe walking there alone, especially later in the evening or after nightfall. And my boyfriend says he'd like to go with me, but it's always too cold or he's to tired when I ask him. I think I saw some sort of drug deal earlier when walking in the more populated parts, not something that inspires confidence. Being near-sighted, I walked pretty much right up to them, not realizing what's going on (I wanted to ask where I am as I got a bit lost).
Good for you for realizing what you need and asking for it!
Walking is my exercise of choice these days but I have the luxury of an exercise partner who is one of my closest friends so we chat and catch up on our walks. We don’t live that near each other so we decided to meet at our largest city park and we feel safer together. A different friend recommended that I get some mace spray (the color dye version) for walking alone. Stay safe!
OK, so I'm probably paranoid with the walking. I've just found an interactive map of crime in my country. I can pretty much look at the statistics for various areas, various crime/type and have it compared to the number of inhabitants. While my previous place ranked around 390 (from 520) where 1 is the worst, my current area is 310th. Both still seem like quite a lot, but my old town had a nice tradition of cellar break-ins going on (some lawn mowers can be expensive, I guess) - so in the statistics it has quite a spike where it comes to that. This area seems to be larger in drug distribution and fraud. True, there is a 200% increase in violent crime, but just because at my old place there was a whopping 1 attack per year on average. In a significantly more densely populated area, having 3 doesn't sound so bad.
Something to defend myself with is not a bad idea, but it really does look like I'm being paranoid.
You should do what you need to do to feel safe. It’s not paranoia, it’s self care. I recently took a week off of walking then hurt my foot, which led to a little longer break. My walking partner opted to go to aerobics 3x rather than walk by herself or stay home. Regardless, it seems like a good idea to have a few exercise options just in case. Soon it will be too cold for us to continue outside so we’re busy trying to come up with something we’ll both enjoy. Two options for us are tennis lessons (something we’ve always wanted to learn) and self defense classes. Next spring we may even join a rowing crew club. What looks like the most fun thing for you? If it’s fun you’ll hate to miss a workout.
The answer to most of your questions are likely to be found in your early environment. Early life trauma are frequently at the bottom of obesity, and why it's near impossible to lose weight and keep it off for good.
Yes, we're talking about substantial trauma when it comes to my early years. I do subscribe to the idea that it has a lot to do with my weight now.
I was "lucky" enough to experience severe enough problems to prompt me on a journey of healing. I've had great results in many areas of my life over the years despite doing it in a pretty wild "DIY" style.
Except my weight remains stubbornly there. I successfully tackled the most disordered parts of my relationship with food, but there's still plenty of baggage.
I somehow feel that as long as I will be carrying the weight around, I will not be free from my past... Or is it the other way around? That as long as I am not free from my past, I will carry the weight?
Why, though?
