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Old 01-31-2004, 10:39 PM   #2
Mommy, wife, teacher
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: New England
Posts: 677


I have so much to say about this chapter, I could quote nearly every line. So as not to bore you, I will try to make my reply as concise as possible.

I have an Internal Weight Locus of Control. It goes along with being a "child of an alcoholic," co-dependent, feeling responsible for EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE, being a perfectionist...which leads to "all or nothing" thinking, and have a huge fear of failure. I internalize everything, dwell on my mistakes and imperfections, and have a negative internal dialogue.

When I was a kid, I was tall and thin. I was a "girly girl." I was NOT athletic. I had a touch of scoliosis, and my right leg was/is about an inch longer than the left. Because of this I was rather clumsy, tripping on my own feet, and walked with a slight limp. Otherwise, I looked "normal," but it was clear to the other kids and my gym teachers that I wasn't very talented physically. I was the last picked for any team. I was taunted by the neighborhood tomboy. Hide and seek and Tag were daily games that I lost. I NEVER REALLY TRUSTED MY BODY to do what I needed it to do. I would be running the bases and trip making an idiot of myself. Or I would get really injured. I can't count how many times I've sprained an ankle because I landed on it the wrong way or dislocated a kneecap for the same reason. I was known as a klutz. I did take dance lessons and did very well, but the gymnastics that accompanied it seemed impossible. Even back then, if I didn't succeed at something right off the bat, I would quit. It was too embarrassing to fail over and over again. I never learned how to dive even though I was (and still am) a strong swimmer. I tried, and had trouble. I couldn't stand the kids watching me, waiting for me to fail yet again. I couldn't handle another public failure, so I quit trying to learn how to dive. I could ice skate, but roller skating was harder for me. Basically, whatever I did well right away, I continued. Otherwise, I would quit. Luckily, I was smart and got good grades. I was a good actress and singer, so I performed in every school show from grade school right up through high school. Those "drama" and "artsy" kids were more accepting of me and appreciated my sense of humor and talent.

As an adult, I do well with low-impact aerobics, probably because I did well with dancing as a child. But other physical activities intimidate me to this day. I have a really warped vision of my body. I put myself down with negative self talk when I see other women who are athletic. I feel like a failure, so I just avoid all sports activities including being a spectator.

Another problem I have is that I've failed at weight loss attempts so many times that I don't trust myself to stick with it. In the past if I would cheat, I would throw in the towel and binge. That half-day binge would turn into a couple of days, then the weekend (I'll begin again on Monday.)

When I was 12, I began puberty and my body began to "develop." I had full-blown breasts, my period, and some weight gain for the first time in my life. All my friends were petite late-bloomers. My mother and sister were on Weight Watchers at the time. I remember saying that I should go on WW as well. They laughed at me and told me I would never be able to do it. I was so mad that I did the diet (it was a lot harder back then!) and lost the weight. I proved them wrong, but I never forgot how awful I felt when they said that I couldn't do it. As a junior high and high school student, I was very tall, slim, and had a C cup bra. I look back at pictures, and damn, I looked really good. But, all my petite size 3 friends made me feel like an amazon. I thought I was fat. Talk about warped body image. It is amazing to me that I never became anorexic or bullimic.

So now, at 39, 70 lbs. overweight, I look back and can see where all of the negative self talk began. I have a lot of work to do to undo all of it.

I pray you ladies can help me. I really want to be slim again.


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