[mysticalsunshine]

Hey,

I am new to this forum. But thought this may be the best place to post how I feel/my cry for help?

I am 29 yrs old and am 6'0 and weigh my guess is around 450-500 lbs. I have always been a big girl, but I am at the heaviest I have ever been. I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. I only leave my apartment to go to my psychiatrist. I am so ashamed with how I look and scared that people will make fun of me so it has become my life to just sit on the couch or lay in bed and cry. I never thought in a million years that I would ever get to this point, I always as I have said been a big girl but was active. I used to go to Curves, I would walk. Now everything I do is a chore, I can't stand for more than a couple minutes and I cannot walk any distance. I got into a car accident years ago and now have disc degeneration in my back which makes everything go numb when I walk any distance. My weight of course does not help this fact. I just can't seem to get motivated enough to lose weight or stick to any sort of exercise program because I am in so much pain. My depression has been the worst it has been in years and I think a lot about killing myself so I won't be a burden on those who I love anymore. I also have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which I have been told can be a factor in weight gain and also make it harder to lose weight. I just am tired, depressed and at my wits end. It is tiring every day waking up in pain, and going to bed in pain. I want to be able to do the things I used to do without any pain. I just have no idea where to start because when I think about all the weight I have to lose I just become overwhelmed.

[Just Dance Girl]

I'm so sorry about your situation, it sounds really hard. It seems like nothing will get better -- but things can change and get better.

You are welcome here! Please join in, read and post every day! You will make friends.

Is there any way you could one small change? Sit in a chair and lift bottles of water for 5 minutes? Just one thing can help.

Please hang on.

Janet

[Pattience]

Hi there. I've had a lot of depression in my life and been a regular on a depression forum so although i've improved my situation a lot, i have a pretty good idea of how you are feeling right now.

First being tall need not be an issue. There was a girl at my school who was around 6ft and big boned as well. She became a sports teacher, got married, probably had kids. And as far as i know her life's been ok though i haven't heard any news of her for years.

That said, your accident and chronic pain sounds truly awful. I think i would struggle a lot with that too. The best thing that i know of for pain management, apart from some sort of gentle exercise (such as yoga or tai chi) is meditation. You should look around for a MBSR program. Meaning mindfulness based stress reduction. There is an 8 week course that should someone like you to a t. You can also read all about it in a book called Full Catastrophe Living. Meditation is best learnt directly from a teacher though. Psychologists teach the MBSR program but there are clinics in America where you might be able to do learn it. Talk to your psychiatrist about it and also any other health care providers you've got so that they might help you find one that you can afford etc.

I won't explain how it works but mindfulness based meditation does train you how to manage your pain so that you don't make it worse than it is. Most people who have not done the training tend to make their pain worse. Its the normal human reaction to pain. And that goes for mental as well as physical pain.

You can also learn it from buddhists though i think for someone like you, it would be better to start off with a psychologist or in a stress reduction training setting.

With the weight loss, if you can't do any exercise at all, you can still lose weight. Though i know its really hard when you are depressed. If not practically impossible.

What i suggest you try to do is focus on eating better quality food at first. and i think if you read some books like:
The Don't Go Hungry Diet, The Beck Diet Solution you will learn some techniques that are doable for you. The don't go hungry approach isn't a diet in the restrictive fashion you may be used to thinking of. I'm just now reading her second book which i picked up for nothing the other day and i'm learning some more useful things. I don't follow her way exactly but i did find some very useful concepts and some good info. However, when you are a rut, these sorts of books will give you a solid foundation on which to start and may also motivate you.

So one thing i suggest to people who are struggling to get started losing weight is to start by doing things like
1. Logging everything you eat. Later on when you are ready to reduce a little you have this record which can indicate how to refine and improve your food intake. The French Women Don't GEt FAt book refers to this in some depth.

2. working out your current maintenance calories over at My fitness pal and trying to eat according to that number for a while until you feel ok about reducing your calories. Some people find the phone apps the easiest way to do their calorie counting.

3. Try to replace all or most of your junk foods with healthy nutritious foods, especially fruit and vegetables. Doing this will also help lift your mood as bad eating habits tend to lead to nutrient deficiencies and this can compound your low mood and other symptoms like poor sleep and stress and so on.

4. If you can have a go at it, join a yoga or tai chi class. There are different levels and you may want to talk to the teacher before joining in. Look for one that is quite easy and gentle. Just getting out of the house to be in a class like this can be motivating. And you will learn things that you use at home. Also it might be worth mentioning a desire to join in some class to any of your doctors. They may know of some that would be suitable for you.

[patns]

Others can speak on depression but my attention was caught by your reference to PCOS. What really helps with this is Low Carb/High Fat approach to weight loss. Look up that approach to losing weight. With your pain issues compounding everything getting some weight off can only help.
I hope things start to look better for you soon.

[MonicaM]

Hello and welcome. I think both posters above have given you great advice. You might want to discuss different meds with you doctor.

I have been through two deep depressions and your description was very accurate and brought tears to my eyes.

Do you live alone? Who do you have for a support group? Are you able to do groceries to start changing your eating habits?

You will get through this. I know it doesn't seem you will, it certainly didn't seem it to me, but eventually something clicks and you suddenly realize you are starting to do more for yourself and feeling better.

You are in my prayers. Be STRONG!

[seagirl]

Have you talked to your doctor about changing/adjusting your depression meds?

[mars735]

Good morning mysticalsunshine, I have a couple of things to add to the above suggestions: try to focus on a small change that you can do right now & avoid thinking about the big picture. You can accomplish a lot by breaking things down into small steps.

Move your body even when you are sitting or laying in your home. Get to know it & make friend with it, however it is right here & now, especially your breath. Rotate your feet and see what that feels like, for example. It can be fun & interesting when you take away the expectations. Same with your mind.

Lastly, you've probably heard this before....your thoughts are very powerful in their effect on your emotions. There are books on this as Pattience mentioned, and maybe your therapist is a good resource. You basically stop the negative self-talk and substitute it with something more positive. As corny as this might sound, I've also noticed that when I go to work in a bad mood, pasting a smile on my face helps how I feel inside. (I would have been the last person to buy this a few yrs ago, but it seems to work).

I hope you keep coming back and posting.

[mysticalsunshine]

Thank you for all your replies. As far as my depression is concerned I do take 5 different medications for it and go to my psychiatrist every month who has changed my meds around recently. It is really hard to try and think positively in the situation I am now in. I live with my boyfriend who basically takes care of me on top of working a full time job. I feel like a major burden on him. I do have my Mom and Boyfriend as my support system. I am going to need to look into meditation that may help with my anxiety. Thank you for all the replies it really helps having people who will listen and also give some suggestions. I recently got a dog, so I have been taking her out to the backyard to go to the bathroom, it is hard to walk up and down the three steps to my front door and to stand out there while she does her thing, but it is getting a little bit easier I suppose, I am definitely not as winded as I used to be a couple weeks ago. But have seen an increase in pain because of the exercise I am now getting. What really gets me and upsets me more than anything else is that even showering I am in pain, because it hurts to stand and quite often my back or legs will give out. I need more than anything to lose weight. I know I have said it quite a bit in this post but thank you so much for listening and providing feedback. It means a lot to me.

[alyssarof2012]

Welcome! I'm sorry you have to go through that.

I think you should focus on losing weight through a healthy eating plan first. The add some seated workouts. Then start walking again. I think stabilizing your eating would really help if you start with that first though (no exercise).

I know you may not want to hear this, but keep an open mind: I used to be really depressed to the point of suicide myself (attempted, was successful and died, then was resuscitated, back in 2009). I continued to be really depressed until this past January. I decided to try this thing called a spiritual fitness challenge with my young mothers support group that I go to. When I decided to have faith and give my problems to a higher power, everything got a little more manageable. I do daily devotionals to keep me focused. It took a couple months for me to start believing what I was reading, but I stuck with it. I know a lot of people don't want to hear about how someone becoming religious changed their life ( I was one of them who didn't want to hear it) but give it some thought. Meds and therapy didn't help me. Finding a higher power/religion could help you too. If you are already religious, then maybe getting closer to that higher power could help. It will help your stress and depression. Now that I am over the depression I am better able to stay on plan when it comes to weight loss.
This is only a suggestion, of course. Whatever you find that helps you personally, I wish you the best!

[Pattience]

Although i am not religious, i do agree with Alyssa. It can help some people if they are that way inclined.

[mysticalsunshine]

Thank you for the suggestion. I am not religious at all. Maybe I need to start believing in a higher power. I am not doing that great not believing in a higher power.

[Pattience]

Then look into secular buddhism. Its non religious but has some good guidance to making the best of yourself. Mindfulness meditation comes from buddhism. One idea is to try to tap in the buddha inside you. The buddha inside you is the best you can be. I find it quite helpful. There are many other very useful ideas in buddhism. And of course a few pointless ones. The secular buddhists tend to ignore what's useless and use what's useful.

Check out their website or on Facebook. Lots of useful stuff there.

[Novus]

When I read about your situation, I visualize it like the obstacles are this enormous stone wall and you're trying to demolish it with a plastic fork. I really think you need to go find someone with a wrecking ball. Like, maybe weight loss surgery or a weight loss clinic (a special hospital devoted to treating morbidly obese patients).

Your combination of problems - extremely overweight and debilitating health issues - are just going to be a circular problem unless you take drastic measures. If you get your weight under control, it will help the medical problems, and with fewer medical problems, you'll find it easier to manage your weight.

Your depression is completely understandable. Your situation sounds totally overwhelming. But there IS hope....and I believe you have the inner strength to overcome this.

[mysticalsunshine]

Thank you for all the support, it means a lot. I am going to check out the buddhism and see what that is all about, thank you for the suggestion. As far as losing weight I plan on getting a gastric bypass (weight loss surgery) I am just very frustrated because I have to wait to be smoke free for over 6 months before they will even start the process, I was an idiot and had a huge mental breakdown and smoked like 4 packs of cigarettes before I quit again. So it is my fault because I had quit for 3 months before having the breakdown and now I am about a month in again to quitting. So that is what is holding up the process. I know if I have the surgery it is going to help me big time because of the fact that I have high blood pressure so that will decrease. I have PCOS so that is helped by weight loss, also my back will be a lot better once I lose the weight. Plus my depression will be helped. I know I am going to have to have the surgery, it is the waiting around for the surgery and feeling the way I do. Contrary to popular belief I don't eat a lot of bad things anymore, I cut out most of the sugar from my diet, my problem I believe is the fact that I don't exercise enough and I eat at the worst times of day (at night) I go all day without eating a thing just drinking water and green tea and then at night I am so hungry because I haven't ate all day. But yes to make a long story short I agree I need to have the surgery to even have a chance at losing a huge amount of weight.

[Pattience]

So it sounds like you are taking positive action and so big congratulations on the cigarette quitting. I've done it 17 years ago and haven't regretted it for a second despite stress and problems and depression. Just never have that first cigarette and you will be fine. You will be a non-smoker for ever again.

As to your eating style, i think you've provided your own solution there. You need to change that business about not eating in the day and eating too much at night. I used to something like that when i was a teenager. I'd have breakfast, go to school eat nothing till i came home and then i'd eat cheese all afternoon and dinner of course. I got fat.

Having three meals a day at good times really makes it easier. I have lost all my weight by avoiding hunger. I eat breakfast when i get up or sooish after, lunch mostly at 12pm which is only about 3-4 hours later and dinner early at about 5pm.

This way i never feel much hunger. If i do get a bit peckish i will eat fruit or something low cal like that. And i think i am asleep when normally i would be hungry and my reserves are depleting, while you are awake.

If you wait til you are ravenous, you will need to refuel big time. But you are able to go without food through the day because you have reserves from the night before. That's why you don't need to eat through the day. But its better to be eating while your metabolism is up.

So i would really seriously suggest you try changing when you eat.

Also don't stay up late. Get enough sleep. Try to avoid eating after dinner.