[LovesToTravel]

I was hoping to get some advice on a delicate family matter.

Background: I have a SIL (my husband's sister) and a little niece who live nearby. We never saw much of them because SIL's husband was controlling and abusive, he kept her pretty isolated from her side of the family. He's since moved out and she's started divorce proceedings.

Now my SIL wants to spend more time with us, which is great! She has indicated that she'd like to come over to our house periodically to chat- I think she feels safer not socializing in her home where her husband has access and pops in frequently to keep an eye on her. My husband and I are absolutely fine with this.

The problem is that my SIL has been dropping a lot of hints that she'd like us to play a major role, especially when school lets out in the summer, as babysitters. These hints will probably become outright requests in the coming months (last year she asked another family member to quit their job and watch my niece for free).

This is an issue because a.) my niece is a small child and we are childfree people who don't feel comfortable being responsible for small children and b.) my niece has some emotional/behavioral issues that she's seeing a therapist for, but it makes it extra challenging. She's like a little tasmanian devil when she visits our house, terrorizing our pets and demanding that she be the center of attention at all times. She has tantrums and hits, threatens to hurt people, that sort of thing.

The biggest factor though, is that she has a habit of accusing adults of hurting her on purpose. She's being doing it for a couple of years and accused my husband of hitting her in the face last time we visited with her, even though we were all watching them and nothing of the sort happened. She hit him in the face and he told her firmly to stop, which is when she came to me and made the accusation. She keeps a perfect poker face and insists it's true, it's very convincing. It's also very scary! I don't want the police on my doorstep because my niece told someone that we abused her! My SIL brushes it off as Not A Big Deal when I bring it up...but yeah, it is a Very Big Deal in my book.

We don't want to drive them off- we'd like to support them both by spending time together as a family. We just don't want to be pressured into babysitting. At least not now- we're fine watching well-behaved older kids that we can play a game or watch a movie with, you know? My little niece just isn't there yet, but we hope she will be someday soon.

So, any advice on how to approach this without coming off like we're just terrible people who don't want to be supportive?

[smashlers]

I think honesty is always the best policy. I would probably just tell your SIL that you are not 100% comfortable watching kids and not make it a discussion. If she really wants to talk about it and keeps pressing the point, I would say something like, "maybe once she gets a little older and is able to behave better when you are not around, we can bring up the subject again. But until then we would rather not be 100% responsible. We love you, and we love her, it's just how we feel." United front. She might get a little mad or offended, but it shows that her behavior is being noticed by family members and might encourage her to work on that aspect of parenting a bit more.

OR just pay for the kids summer camp! Ha!

[carebearx3]

Oh definitely do NOT babysit. The relationship with your SIL would deteriorate terribly. Just tell her that you don't feel comfortable with little ones and that your house is not child-proofed. And also throw in the dog and say you are afraid as to what he would do all day and youd have to lock him up. Play it up as it is your problem and not your nieces.

[vealcalf2000]

Unfortunately too it sounds like your niece would need more than just a regular babysitter to watch her I'm sure your SIL is anxious to move on with her life, and maybe isn't realizing that due to her daughter's problems a regular babysitter probably won't be adequate. It's such a touchy subject. Hopefully she is bringing this up during her daughter's therapy and they can guide her along. Good luck to you, I hope you can let her down easy! I hate to hurt people's feeling, but in situation like this it's better to be kind but very firm.

[EasySpirit]

I think you need to say, "NO, that is not something we could do." When she asks why, just repeat that or add it does not fit into your schedule, about your home not being child-proof, your dog, etc.

[Quiet Ballerina]

You absolutely have to be nice, but firm in this situation. It's incredibly unfair of your sister to expect family members to watch her child all summer.

I'd do research on summer camps. Print out information.

Also, I'd suggest once a week/once every two weeks/once a month (something), setting up a regular "let's hang out" day where your SIL and niece come over for a few hours. You can play in the backyard, have a picnic, etc. It will give your SIL time with adults, having conversations, without burdening you with the full responsibility.

If you felt comfortable, you could offer to babysit once in a while for a couple of hours. But that's only if you're comfortable.

(And I say this as someone who absolutely loves kids, for what it's worth).

[GlamourGirl827]

Just tell her no. As a mom of 3, my oldest having autism w/ various anxiety and possibly the early signs of something larger like bipolar, I would not want my son in the care of anyone that does not want to watch him. I never ask people to watch him, and only my father and step mother will do it if he's not being difficult. Though as he's gotten older many of the meltdowns have gotten way less of a problem. I dont know your SIL, maybe she doesnt care who is watching her child. When she hints at it, what has been your reaction? Are you changing the subject? Are you ignoring her? Are you giving polite answers to avoid conflict? Like "oh we'll see" or "that sound nice..." It sounds like you havent come out and just told her no. So do that. Part of this is your fault for not being honest.

I can tell you first hand having a very challenging child, it is emotionally and mentally exhausting on a level you cannot even begin to understand, especially if you dont have kids at all. Mothers in general, need a break, and sh!tty enough, mothers with very difficult kids are more in need of a break yet it is pretty much impossible to find someone willing to watch those kids because of the level of difficultly. Most aunts/uncles etc are more than willing to play parent for a day for the perfect, easy, fun kid, but not for children with special needs. Not all, I know, but enough.

You are by no means obligated to watch her child, and like I said, just tell her no. If you think she's not fully aware of how difficult her daughter is you are so wrong... she knows. But tell her what you told us. I can almost promise you that she will not want to leave her daughter in the care of someone that doesnt want her. I wouldnt.

Its one thing to not want to watch a child because you just cant be bothered for whatever reason. Fine. But it seems the larger issue here is her daughters behavior. So I think you should be very clear that if her daughter were a nicer child, one that gave you pleasure, you know like the dog, then you might consider it. Granted, mom might be a little pissed at you, but I think you need to tell her this. She has the right to know as a mother that this is so concerning to you that you are asking advice here. I'd want to know if someone felt that ill towards my son. You own it to your SIL, really.

And if you this this reply was harsh, know that I gave you about 50% of what I wanted to say, so *this* was nice.

I edited it to say that if you are so concerned about her daughter making up lies about you or hubby, you could always take her somewhere public, like a play area in the mall, park, etc. And I'm sure SIL wold be happy with any time away, its not like you have to watch her all day in your house. I get the abusive husband issue, but unless you live in some town with a population of 20, its not like you will see him if you take the girl out somewhere...just saying. Again you dont have to but please dont use the lying thing as an excuse to make it sound like you as the adult are in danger if you watch her...I get it, it drums up more sympathy than just saying its too much and you dont want to. You dont need to look like the (possible) victim here...just say no. There's a reason you didnt have kids after all..its a butt load of responsibility!...and please honey, I nearly died when I read about a big deal in "your book"!! You dont even have any kids, what kind of experience are you going on for this "book" of yours?

[alaskanlaughter]

the solutions that Quiet Ballerina put were exactly what I was going to say

and also that it is absolutely okay to be concerned about a child making accusations about you or DH, especially in this day and age....accusations of abuse, assault or neglect can RUIN someone, it can make their lives a horror story for years to come and could possibly result in jail time if a child is convincing enough and consistently....it can tear a family apart....to watch a child alone in your home with these tendencies ...well, I for one would not do it

for what it's worth, I have kids of my own, I have a special needs son, I work in childcare and I also help raise a few related-to-us children in my home, and I have done in-home childcare for special needs children in the past

[Palestrina]

What a sticky situation. I'm unclear about a few things though, are you opposed to 100% never babysitting under any circumstances or are you opposed to the mother's proposal of looking after the child on a daily basis? Those are 2 hugely different things. I'm more than happy to look after a niece or nephew on a random basis (like the parents have to go to a wedding or a doctor's appointment or need a date night every once in a while). But I have zero interest in being responsible for the kids on a daily basis for a set time like what the mother wants. That's what daycare is for.

So the real question then is, what exactly are your parameters? How MUCH do you care to help her? What kind of contact do you want to have? Are you willing to babysit once in a while for emergencies? Do you ever intend to take the child out just you and your husband out to the park or Chucky Cheese for the afternoon and let the Mom have a nap or something? There are no wrong answers to these questions but you do have to be honest about it.

I have a cousin who takes care of her nieces every day after school, and then her sister takes on all the kids on the weekends. This works for them. I have another friend who is married and doesn't have kids, and his sister is a single Mom and he helps her pay for daycare bills. I have yet another friend, single guy. His whole family takes turns taking care of his nephew every day, and he has arranged his work schedule so that he is off every Wednesday so that he can take care of the nephew. Families and friends make it work.

I really don't think it's a good idea to tell the mother that you don't want to babysit her child because of her behavior problems. Not sure how old this child is but in order to feel comfortable with her you have to build a relationship with her. But you're already judging her. Ok, she's done and said some things that make you go wuh??? But remember, children are innocent. If you don't know how to handle a child that's come from an abusive home that is YOUR shortcoming. So let's get that straight. A child is never at fault, not when they're young. It's a matter of learning how to spend time with that child and direct their energy in a positive manner. Please do not blame a child for being the problem. I'd hate it if my aunt ever said something like that to my mom. With aunts and uncles like that, who needs enemies....

All I'm saying is that you need to be careful here and not make this about the child's behavior. Your reasons can be truthful:
- We're not comfortable taking care of such a young child
- We don't have time
- we don't want to
And remember to be thankful that the mother would think of you in such high regard that she'd trust her daughter with you. They've been through a lot and could really use some family and support, make sure to do the things you can do to connect with them. Be honest and clear and you'll have a good relationship in the long run. But please, whatever you do just don't tell the mom that her daughter is a bad kid.

[LovesToTravel]

Wow, thank you all so much for your advice and honest opinions. You've given me a lot to think about and to discuss with my husband.

smashlers: I really like your suggestion for how to phrase things and we did actually chat a little bit about summer camp. We also want to see them on a regular basis for some family time. So maybe we can go in the direction of, "We aren't comfortable babysitting at this point, but we would love to have you over on Sundays for dinner if you aren't busy. We want to support you as best we can."

carebearx3: I definitely don't want to make this about my niece when I talk to her because I know that some people would be absolutely fine watching her, it's our discomfort with the whole thing. Thank you for your thoughtful advice.

vealcalf2000: From what I hear, a lot of this is getting covered in therapy, it's just going to take some time. The kid's been through a lot and I'm so happy that my SIL decided to bring a therapist into the mix. I'm told she's already made some improvement since starting that and having her dad move out of the house to decrease the tension. I hear you on being gentle, clear, and firm with our answer.

EasySpirit: My husband and I will talk about being consistent with our answer, absolutely. I know my SIL must be desperate to ask us (her previous babysitter was her MIL, who recently told her my niece is too much to handle and won't watch her anymore), but I really hope she's able to find someone else who is more confident in their childcare capabilities than we are. Maybe I can help her find a professional babysitter?

Quiet Ballerina: It's funny you and smashlers mentioned summer camp because when she was over a couple weeks ago and mentioned her summer schedule, that was the first thing that popped out of my mouth. My parents both worked so my siblings and I spent a lot of our summers in various camps, which was fun. I could definitely help her scout out summer camps and programs in the spring, I'll ask her next time she's over if she'd like me to help with that, thank you!
We'd love to show our support by having them over periodically for family time and told them that (we were supposed to see them tonight again, actually, but the weather turned nasty and they cancelled), but at this point we would only agree to babysit, I think, in an absolute emergency. Like, hospital emergency or something. I think babysitting periodically would be more doable in the future when she's a bit older and works through some of these behaviors (which, I suspect will get much better now that her dad's moved out and the situation isn't so tense at home).

GlamourGirl: I'm sincerely sorry that you and your family have had such a tough time finding support and respite. It sucks that there isn't more available, especially with so many children being diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders. I respect your opinion and apologize if I have touched a nerve. I hope there are no hard feelings when we come across each other again on the board.

alaskanlaughter: Kudos to you, GlamourGirl, and all of the other folks here on the board who are dealing with special needs children. You have my respect and admiration. And yes, I'm nervous about being accused of hurting her and doubly nervous for my husband. This behavior has been pretty frequent and consistent over the past couple of years and now she's in kindergarten and sees a therapist- it's one thing when she says it to a family member who knows what it's about, but if she pops out with something like that to a mandated reporter? She's too young to realize what kind of impact that is going to have. Everyone in the family who watches her on occasion worries about it, from what I understand.

Wannabeskinny: To clarify...We're uncomfortable watching the younger ones that need a lot of help and supervision, but that's somewhat dependent on the individual child, I guess, not really a number. We've watched older kids around 8 years and up for evenings and overnight stays, taken them out alone to eat, stuff like that. Neither one of us minds that sort of thing on occasion, but we're not interested daycare arrangements at any point in the foreseeable future.

I actually feel really bad for my SIL because she knows we're not kid people and her MIL, who normally does the babysitting, just recently told her she won't do it anymore because my niece is too much for her to handle. So she's got to be desperate to think of us. As I mentioned above, I'm totally on board with the idea helping her find childcare resources and will be sure to mention it next time we're together. And we've extended an invitation to have her and my niece over for Sunday dinners regularly, but at this point we're not comfortable committing to more than that. And you're right, it would be unthinkable to make this about my niece- I was just trying to be clear about why we feel like we're out of our depth here, but obviously I overdid it! I sincerely hope circumstances change in the future and if they do, when my niece is a bit older, my husband and I would both be amenable to revisiting the topic of babysitting.

[alaskanlaughter]

i'm not sure where you all are living but there is a national childcare organization called NAEYC - National Association for the Education of Young Children - and they are sort of a clearinghouse of information for parents looking for childcare providers...they do training for people at childcare centers, they do in-home assessments and referrals for special needs children, and they should have a referral list for all licensed childcare providers in your area

perhaps you can refer your SIL to that list or help her get ahold of your local branch of NAEYC

depending on your SIL's income, she may also qualify for childcare assistance through your state public assistance offices, tribal agencies or other organizations and that may help reduce the expenses of having to pay full price for childcare

[TooWicky]

You've already gotten excellent advice. Best of luck in dealing with this situation! Let us know how it turns out.

I am the only SAHM on my street and amg, my neighbors came at me from all directions wanting to know if I would watch their kiddos all day, half day, after school aftercare, you name it. Even though I am a mom and ecstatic about being a mom, I am not a "kid" person, lol. I know that makes no sense, but I absolutely do not ever want to watch children in my home on a regular basis, or have to always be available, etc. etc. My immediate neighbor next door asked me to watch her daughter from the time school let out until she got home from work - I legit started walking backwards with my arms in front in a defensive position like someone being attacked in a horror film lol! We laugh about it now since we are friends. I still randomly get requests via my husband from his co-workers a la "my wife is due in 2 months; would your wife be interested in watching our baby during the daytime?" Lawd. Once people find out you do not work and are home during the day, shew! I know that's a rarity in today's world to have a non-working spouse, at least it is in the relatively middle-class area that I live in.

I think I have actually said, "Uh, I'm not a kid or childcare type of person" while awkwardly laughing and refusing. It definitely can be awkard to refuse such a request. My friends and neighbors that were working moms really couldn't conceive of my not wanting to earn extra money by watching children in my home. Bottom line, we are the poorest people on our street income-wise, and that's by choice. I do not work (except 1-2 nights per week in retail to get out of the house basically,) so my days are free to manage our home, all dr's appts, our family book keeping, be home with our children on sick days, snow days, school breaks, and summers. I just have zero interest in being beholden to providing childcare and the dedication it requires. I didn't quit work to... work, if that makes any sense. That said, I'm extremely willing and amiable to cover childcare emergencies and I do! I do meet my neighbors' kids off the bus when they dismiss early and they can't adjust childcare, for example, and sometimes will do the school drop off or pick up when their working schedule gets guffed up. They know if I can't for any reason that I'll be up front and tell them. I don't mean it personally and I don't take anything personally.

It will only be awkward for the conversation where you let her know you are not interested in providing childcare at all. Once that issue has been addressed, she will be free to know that option is not an option, and will direct her energies elsewhere. It can and might feel like you are letting her down and not being sympathetic to her situation, but best not to waste her time or yours stressing about it or putting off what needs to be said. Just tell her outright you all aren't interested as soon as you can work it into a relevant conversation. I'm not saying this will be your experience, but my experience has shown me that if I even hint that I might be partially willing to sort of provide babysitting, then the mom will start piecemealing together childcare for the week - like Oh, okay so would you be willing to watch her one or two days a week? So, maybe Mondays and Wednesdays? What I have done is just issue a blanket across the board refusal. I think hunting up childcare arrangements must be super stressful on moms and dads in general!

[Palestrina]

I totally understand, you really shouldn't take on more than you can handle and the mother should understand that. Hopefully you will all come to an arrangement that works for you and mostly I hope the little girl has all her needs met, it's tough to have your parents split up under those kinds of circumstances.

[krampus]

I feel sorry for your niece, but pity does not make you qualified to care for her, and at the end of the day it's just an all around tough situation and a risk inherent in parenthood.

I really hope there is some behavioral therapy or something that will help her. It sounds like she's been traumatized from being around a toxic adult relationship :\

[LovesToTravel]

alaskanlaughter: Thank you for taking the time to share that link, I'm going to take a closer look at the information this week and suggest it next time I see SIL. I've also heard of a site called Care.com that's supposed to having local babysitter listings, maybe she'd be willing to check that out too. She's fortunate enough to make good money (and may very well end up paying alimony, I'm sorry to say), but that's a good idea to check out whatever may be available under her circumstances. Thanks.

TooWicky: I don't think it sounds weird at all! I've heard several moms say that they love their kids, but they're not really "kid people" in so far as wanting to spend a lot of time with other people's kids. Makes sense. And you sound like you've got your hands full as it is without adding extra childcare to the mix! I think you're right about working the topic into the conversation as soon as possible. My husband and I discussed it a little again last night to make sure we're on exactly the same page as well.

Wannabeskinny: The split has been a long time coming and I hope it will be for the best; they're both afraid of him and it's been a tense situation since my niece was an infant. It'll be nice for her to be able to live in a home without all that and I suspect a lot of her behavior issues will clear up with time and some continued intervention. I'll do my best to encourage my SIL to check out all of her options for childcare and see what happens, thanks for your thoughtful questions and advice. : )

krampus: I'm in full agreement that we are clearly not cut out for the task at hand, but I'm hopefully my SIL can find a good program or sitter soon. The good thing is that it's not a money issue, just a matter of getting her comfortable with the idea of looking outside the family for help, I think.

I'll post an update whenever I have one, fingers crossed for a happy outcome! Thanks again, everyone.