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Old 05-17-2013, 11:25 AM   #9
ronni62
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Iowa
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Hi, everyone-I'm going to vent big-time here, so if you want to skip over my post, this is your warning

I mentioned a while back that my mom had gone off her bipolar/schizophrenia meds. Unfortunately, she's back to her paranoid and rambling state of mind and it's driving me insane!! After listening to her rant on the phone for half an hour last week about how 'those people hacked' her medical records and 'put chemicals in her furnace ducts' to make her sick, I dared to tell her that 'those people' are not after her (in fact, the ones she names are now dead) and that nothing's actually happening. I reminded her that we had talked about his when she went off the meds and she had agreed to see a doctor if she started getting paranoid again. She actually insisted that if 'those people' are dead, then it's their children who are after her now &, of course, she hung up on me-when she gets like this, she won't listen to ANYONE about the truth-it's just what her mind comes up with.

She's now talking to me again, but still ranting about the 'chemicals' that were put in her home and she's thrown away all her curtains and food and has all the new foods sealed in ziploc bags. This is typical behavior for her when she's off the meds. I'm just trying to keep the boys away from her as much as I can, but they still mow her lawn, so I go along to keep watch and try to steer the conversations away from her rants.

I'm feeling very stressed and have no idea what's going to come next. DH is no help at all and my sister, who lives 6 hours away now, is moving to AZ, so she's no help either. My MS is acting up again and I feel like I want to scream. I never know if Mom's going to attempt suicide again or if she's going to threaten someone, but there's nothing anyone can do unless she actually states that she might cause harm in front of a doctor (and she NEVER does that-she's learned how to manipulate the process). The most that might happen unless she demonstrates that she's a threat, is a 3-day stay in the mental ward-3 days on the meds and she quits them immediately when she comes home.

There are days I wonder why God hasn't taken her yet....and the guilt I feel saying that is immeasurable. I don't understand why we've had to deal with this for the last 46 years! Why couldn't I have had a normal and nice mother?! I feel like I lost my mom a long time ago and have had to live with this mean, unstable impersonator all these years. Just when we were starting to have a good relationship, she found out that the court-order was expired and went off the meds again.

I can see why my dad drank. He had no one to talk to about her. He couldn't leave her, because he knew (in the 70's) that he had no chance of getting custody of us and he told me several years ago that he felt he had to stay to protect us from her. She had attempted suicide and I wonder if she had threatened to kill us too. Dad's gone, so I can't ask him for clarification. I'm scared to leave the boys alone with her, even thought they're both over 6' and much stronger than her, but her words cause more harm than anyone would imagine.

I need someone to talk to who would understand, but my pastor is worthless (that's a vent for another time) and I just don't have many friends-too many moves and my best friend died a little over a year ago. She's the one who understood everything and didn't judge. I miss her so much...

Thanks for listening if you got this far...I really needed to get some of this out before I exploded or imploded. Funny thing is that I'm not losing control of my eating-yay! I know God's in control, but I need Him to let me know what to do and soon, before Mom's too out of control. Thanks, friends....
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7/18/12 became wheat- and dairy-free @ 235 pounds
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