[Rhiko]

My partner and I went to our mandatory counselling session today (for our future IVF treatment) and we were each asked the question, 'Are there any mental health problems?' My partner reminded me of something that I had said a while ago, which is still relevant today. I said, 'I would be devastated if I ever had a girl as my first child, and I'd go into pre-/post-natal depression.' I've always dreamed of a son who would enjoy the rough and tumble games that I like to play and who would love soccer and sports as much as I do.

The problem is that I've struggled with the fact that I'm female. My PCOS and the pains have caused me so many problems over the years and I absolutely hate my boob size (DD/E). Also, I have two brothers, I was closer to my father while growing up, and until I was 13, I played soccer in boys teams so I've predominantly been hanging around males all of my life. The idea of having a girl child is hard for me to comprehend.

So, today I was issued with a challenge and I thought I'd come here for some ideas and support. The challenge is that I am to write down all of the things I think are good about being female. I know that even a male child may not want to be rough and tumble and that there is a chance a female child will.

What do you think are positives about being female? I'd love to hear it from both and male and female perspective.

Edit:
I've only posted this because I want to change my thinking on this subject. I'm not a girl-child hater who'd forsake the will to live if I had a girl. I'm not stupid like that. I prefer to observe and analyse. I am changeable. I have a strong desire to change, otherwise I wouldn't be here seeking your help
Before you accuse me of being a horrible person, or even if you are curious, read this post of mine.

Originally Posted by Rhiko

Clicking on the blue arrow (this is not the post, only directions)

[lunarsongbird]

Women are the bearers of life. That's pretty amazing.

[Rhiko]

Originally Posted by lunarsongbird

Women are the bearers of life. That's pretty amazing.

This is true

[Keep Moving Forward]

Gender stereotypes don't have to mean anything. I love being a woman, but I'm not "girly" at all. I played sports, I loved being outside all the time, I deer hunted for a while with my family, I played in the dirt & I was rambunctious like a little boy would be. Also, I've known men who had no interest in sports, hunting or other "manly" things.


I love being a woman because I think we have a deeper awareness of being emotionally supportive, are more intuitive & we tend to have maternal instincts that make us nurturing. Women are very strong in many ways, and can handle certain kinds of stresses that I don't think a lot of men could. I've seen women juggle several small children, careers, housework, pets, cooking, wifely things, social lives, etc. as if it's not difficult at all. It absolutely blows my mind what women are capable of, especially those who don't seem to think what they do is any big deal. Naturally, I love men too and think that they are extraordinary in their own ways but, strong women are my heroines.

Also, a male friend of mine once told me that if men were responsible for carrying & birthing children, the human population would have died out already

[elvislover324]

Babies are miracles whether boys or girls and we take what God gives us! I'm going through IVF now (just started so right at the beginning) and I'm praying for any baby (or multiples!!) I can hold in my arms!

I totally get that you never want a baby girl to grow up and struggle with the medical stuff that you dealt with but just think of this. You would be her mom and you would take care of her and help her with these issues. Knowledge is power!! I wish my mom had helped me with female issues (she's from the old country and these types of problems are never spoken out loud). So I guess my post is more support for you than the pros of having a baby girl. You'd be an awesome mom to a girl by embracing all that you know and can pass on to her (and you never know, maybe her girlfriends).

Good luck with your baby planning, it's a tough journey but so fascinating too!

[the shiv]

There's plenty of good stuff!

As for the bad, I've had seriously bad TOM since the age of 12, and as a woman who doesn't want kids, I have spent countless hours thinking "this is pointless, my body putting me through this!" Although, my partner picking me up from A&E a few weeks after we met was a fun bonding experience... (I passed out from the pain in a shop, cracked my head off the floor and got carted off to hospital with concussion... Fun times! )

But apart from that? I like who I am, even with these issues! Men have hosts of medical issues they're prone to, which we don't get. Nobody gets off that easy.

And remember, since you have PCOS, you've experienced these things. If you have a girl, you'll be able to help her through it, you'll understand what it's like. But it might not even be an issue. You might get a rough and tumble tomboy. I grew up helping my dad fix cars, racing boys at speed skating, and watching F1. If you have a boy, he might not fit gender stereotype. He might be interested in more stereotypically feminine pursuits, and struggle with being bullied. Who knows? The fact is, it's a lottery. You can never predict what you'll get no matter how many eventualities you run through. But that's ok. You want a child so you can love and care for it and show it how to grow up into the best version of itself possible, whatever that may be. Every child will have issues of some kind, it's part of the growing up process. And no matter whether those issues are female medical issues, which you understand and can empathise with, or something else, you will love your child and want to help them, and that's all that matters

Now for the good bits!

Ok, this isn't GOOD exactly, but it's realistic: if you're a girl, you can be anything. A hairdresser. A mother. An astronaut. A car mechanic. A scientist. A journalist. A racing driver. A trucker. Anything. There is still some sexism, but by now, it has been pretty much established in this part of the world, that WOMEN CAN DO ANYTHING. Thanks to the women's rights movement. Sadly, it's not really the case for boys. Men are still encouraged to do "man things", and though stereotypes are changing, a girl will encounter less resistance by saying she wants to become President, than a boy will saying he wants to become a fashion designer. Sad but true, and one upside (?) to being a girl in this day and age.

I'm serious about this one: clothing. Women can wear women's clothes, men's clothes, anything. Complete freedom of self-expression. Men can generally only wear by-the-book men's clothes unless they're prepared to get beaten up. SAD. But nonetheless true.

Forgive me while I generalise... Female friendships. I've found it quite true that women can take a tiny piece of subject matter, and create an entire day's worth of bonding-conversation around it. Certainly, some men will do the same. And some women won't. But if you have a girl who grows up to enjoy bonding through conversation - she should have no trouble finding like minded female friends to connect with in this way.

Shoes! That is all.

Also: the wonders of being a woman in the 21st century. Women don't HAVE to be bearers of life, but we can. We don't HAVE to go to university, but we can. We don't HAVE to vote, but we can. Despite the drawbacks to being female, which I'm well acquainted with myself, imagine you were having a child even 50 years ago? Women have so many more options in life now, I think the point of this post was really to say that anything is possible.

And as you can tell, I'm one of those "talky" women, lol

[Radiojane]

You sound very similar in attitude to my mom. I was her first child, and she fully admitted she had no idea what to do with me. Luckily the next three were boys.

But you know what? You sound like you were raised pretty well in a male dominated sphere. Look at it this way: You can give her that (and even if she decides to be more "girly", the knowledge of how to cope with and understand men, to socialize with them from an early age is a very good thing to have that many women don't nowadays - they're either seen as the enemy or in solely romantic terms, is a great thing), PLUS you can help her cope with all the problems feminine gender presents.

And you know what? You may think you'll be devastated, but I bet when the baby comes, that thought will melt from your mind

List of positives of being a woman:
We are "allowed" our emotions
We can give birth
We generally live longer

[Lecomtes]

Oh boy...your words tear me up...but you explained your thoughts, and I respect and understand that...While I was thrilled to have my own baby girl, I fear much more for her than I do for my son ,something I've never openly stated. I fear for her because of my own experiences being a woman, similar to what you describe. I never fit in the feminine niche so to speak, and I am keenly aware of that the world treats girls differently than boys...I would have prefered to bring a daughter into a more egalitarian world.
I have 3 sisters, and was blessed with two baby angels of my own, first a girl, and later a boy. I experienced pre and post natal depression with my girl due to the circumstances surrounding her conception. It was a hard time, but looking back now I cannot IMAGINE my life without this radient being in it! She brings so much joy into this word, and is sharp as a whip. She loves to go fishing and hiking, she's facinated with space and insects...and she's just 3!
I'm still more scared for her than my boy, but that's why I have strong motivation to set a good example of being a strong woman...for both of them really.
May I suggest to you some documentaries that I found very interesting? Recently my fiance and I watched the movie Half The Sky about the plight of girls around the world, and the extent of untapped feminine potential. It is long, but it moved even my fiance to tears (first time he's shed a tear in front of me in 7 years! Haha). Another wonderful documentary is Raising Cain, it has to do with how we raise boys differently than girls (focus on boys).
I commend you for your honesty about these concerns, open dialoge sure help me out, and I hope it does for you as well!

[PreciousMissy]

Originally Posted by Keep Moving Forward

Gender stereotypes don't have to mean anything. I love being a woman, but I'm not "girly" at all. I played sports, I loved being outside all the time, I deer hunted for a while with my family, I played in the dirt & I was rambunctious like a little boy would be. Also, I've known men who had no interest in sports, hunting or other "manly" things.


I love being a woman because I think we have a deeper awareness of being emotionally supportive, are more intuitive & we tend to have maternal instincts that make us nurturing. Women are very strong in many ways, and can handle certain kinds of stresses that I don't think a lot of men could. I've seen women juggle several small children, careers, housework, pets, cooking, wifely things, social lives, etc. as if it's not difficult at all. It absolutely blows my mind what women are capable of, especially those who don't seem to think what they do is any big deal. Naturally, I love men too and think that they are extraordinary in their own ways but, strong women are my heroines.

Also, a male friend of mine once told me that if men were responsible for carrying & birthing children, the human population would have died out already

I really didn't know what to say in response to the original post, but now you've made me sit back and say "F-yeah we do all that!!!!!"

No you have me all pumped up about being female

[Rhiko]

Looking at your posts, I feel like I'm a stubborn, one-sighted monster Please don't take back anything you've said or explain your reasons. I need to hear this. I need to hear that no matter which gender I get, their personality could take any form whether I like it or not. I've just been dreaming (asleep dreaming) of a son for so long and I've had a name for my future son since I was 12, that I suppose I've been a bit fixated. (Oh man...I'll move on from this subject...)

Thank you everyone for your responses. They have been invaluable and I've got lots to think about. Because I'm a creative writer, the second part of my homework is to write a story on why I think being a girl is so great. A few of those 'stereotype' walls have been broken!


Keep Moving Forward - You are totally right. I shouldn't buy into gender stereotypes. I, for one, am not a typical female

Also, a male friend of mine once told me that if men were responsible for carrying & birthing children, the human population would have died out already

I love this
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elvislover324 - I'm planning on demanding twins, for my first attempt at least. I've been told that I might not get that, though I'm not giving up! I guess I've never thought of my TOM stuff being an asset and something to share to the next generation. Thank you
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the shiv - I never thought about the non-equality being on the male side! Maybe I've been suffering from the old adage "the grass is greener on the other side" and that boys are, usually, closer to their mother's.

And as you can tell, I'm one of those "talky" women, lol

I'm a talker too. I was in detention plenty of times in my early years for talking too much!
______________
Radiojane - You are right on both things: that I can be a role model and that my heart will accept a child of any sex. It wouldn't be too hard to convince me to get over myself and accept the child (that's what I think anyway).
______________
Lecomtes - Thank you for sharing this with me I can already see that you are a great role model for your children. It's amazing that she is interested in so many things at a young age! She sounds like such a delight
I will check out the documentaries you recommended

I commend you for your honesty about these concerns, open dialogue sure help me out, and I hope it does for you as well!

Yes, I'm always painfully honest and straightforward. I know it deters a lot of people, but I dislike it when people are dishonest to me or tell half-truths. My philisophy is: "If you have something to say, then say it all and say it how it is. Holding something back will only cause resentment or worse."

[fattymcfatty]

Why don't you adopt?
Then you get the gender you want. Seriously, as a Momma to most amazing daughters ever, your post made me want to throw up.

[Candeka]

I'm a girl. I had 99% male friends until Jr.High school. I played rough, I wrestled with my father ALL the time (in fact, our late night wrestle matches between the ages of 4-10 are some of our best memories). I played volleyball.... you like all of this stuff, why wouldn't your daughter? Also, having a boy doesnt mean they will like that stuff. My younger brother didnt play sports, he didn't like wrestling. It depends on the child, not the sex.

As for what we offer, I totally second this :

I love being a woman because I think we have a deeper awareness of being emotionally supportive, are more intuitive & we tend to have maternal instincts that make us nurturing. Women are very strong in many ways, and can handle certain kinds of stresses that I don't think a lot of men could. I've seen women juggle several small children, careers, housework, pets, cooking, wifely things, social lives, etc. as if it's not difficult at all. It absolutely blows my mind what women are capable of, especially those who don't seem to think what they do is any big deal. Naturally, I love men too and think that they are extraordinary in their own ways but, strong women are my heroines.

Also, as suggested above, if you honestly feel like you would be devastated about a girl and go into depression, please look into adoption. There are to many cases of children being neglected (not purposely) because they were either unplanned, not the right gender, or not with the right person. It is NOT the child's fault and they should never have to deal with that, even when the parents have the best intentions.

[Rhiko]

Originally Posted by Candeka

Also, as suggested above, if you honestly feel like you would be devastated about a girl and go into depression, please look into adoption. There are to many cases of children being neglected (not purposely) because they were either unplanned, not the right gender, or not with the right person. It is NOT the child's fault and they should never have to deal with that, even when the parents have the best intentions.

fattymcfatty Why don't you adopt?
Then you get the gender you want. Seriously, as a Momma to most amazing daughters ever, your post made me want to throw up.

These two posts have kind of made me a little angry. However, I realise that you don't know me and that you have read my post in a different way than I intended. In my post before this one, if you read it?, I admitted to being wrong in my assumptions towards having a female child and that my view is changing--drastically, in fact.

I don't have a child and I'm currently experiencing the fear of the unknown. As I said in my last post, I'd never reject a girl child and I'd come around pretty fast. Besides, I plan to find out the gender A.S.A.P to offset the chance of any depression. Why not make that suggestion rather than telling me to stay away from creating a child altogether? Honestly, if there was no hope of me coming to terms with a girl child, as you both seem to think, do you really believe that the counsellor would let me and my partner go through with this?? I think not! I'm 6 months plus away from anything moving forward (thanks for asking), and there is definitely enough time for me to work through this. In fact, I think I pretty much have thanks to the SUPPORTIVE posts so far. (I guess I'm more than a little angry)

[ImImportant]

Good luck on your journey! The willingness to do your homework and seek input shows that you are thoughtful and wil be a good parent to some lucky child.

I am the second of two girls and I was a tomboy. My childhood was camping, hiking, fishing, collecting bugs and hanging around my fathers Webelos troop. When I thought about having children, I knew that I wanted a boy and I couldn't imagine my life with a girl. What would I do if she was wired to be a girly-girl? So, I lucked out and had a boy who is the nicest, most considerate, most gentle soul I know. But he doesn't fish, camp, climb, etc...so we found other great ways to bond.

If I had a girl it would have worked out too because when my child was born my capacity to love grew more than I could have ever imagined.

[Rhiko]

Originally Posted by ImImportant

Good luck on your journey! The willingness to do your homework and seek input shows that you are thoughtful and wil be a good parent to some lucky child.
...
If I had a girl it would have worked out too because when my child was born my capacity to love grew more than I could have ever imagined.

Thank you so much for all that you have said. I think you are right when you say things for you would have worked out if you had a girl. I can tell you have a lot of love in your heart and room for everyone

I thought that I should consult people who have had a daughter, want a daughter or who don't care what they get. I've not experienced what it's like to have any kids, only observe as a childcare worker and Aunt to my partner's nephews. The counsellor and everyone I've met have said I'll be a great parent because I have a strong maternal instinct. As you say, I'm doing my homework because I want to change my thinking