[Alyssa Autopsy]

THIS COULD BE A BIT TRIGGERING, READ WITH CAUTION.
I DO NOT ENDORSE ANOREXIC OR BULIMIC BEHAVIORS SO DON'T BE TAKING "TIPS" FROM HERE!









I used to partake in anorexic and bulimic behaviors, but have never been diagnosed.
However, no matter how many time I try to convince myself that
it is unhealthy and looks horrible to have bones poking out everywhere,
I still have the desire to be 75 pounds. It is a sick obsession.
I am no longer partaking in anorexic or bulimic behaviors,
but I still have the anorexic mindset.

I am worthless when fat.
100 pounds is fat.
Any size over a Childs 10 is fat.
Bones are beautiful.

I know none of that is true, but it still resounds in my head.
When I look in the mirror, I do not think,
"Hm, I am overweight, I should exercise more."
Nope. I think,
"Goddman you fat slag! How could you do that to yourself! Go get a knife and cut the fat off."

I don't know how to ignore the voices any better than i'm doing now,
I haven't self starved or purged in over 2 and 1/2 years,
but my extreme weight gain (i gained 100 pounds in 18 months)
has made the barely-buried ED thoughts rise to the surface.




Is anyone else here Eating Disordered, especially recovered?
I really want to find people who have these same disordered issues,
but the Eating Disorder Guild i'm a part of on another site
is not active, it takes months just to get a reply from a thread I make.


This picture explains how I feel.

[dstalksalot]

I am not positive, but the chicks in control forum may be the place to find like minded individuals.

Good luck to you!

[CherryQuinn]

I had an eating disorder when I was in my early teens. I still have symptoms that occur every once in a while.

[Alyssa Autopsy]

Originally Posted by CherryQuinn

I had an eating disorder when I was in my early teens. I still have symptoms that occur every once in a while.

What sort of symptoms?
I feel the urge to purge after eating anything greasy, high-calorie, or soft and easy to purge (like mashed potatoes)
I have also been having the urge to chew and spit candy.

[CherryQuinn]

Originally Posted by Alyssa Autopsy

What sort of symptoms?
I feel the urge to purge after eating anything greasy, high-calorie, or soft and easy to purge (like mashed potatoes)
I have also been having the urge to chew and spit candy.

I don't want to trigger anyone in case there are young girls on this site that are looking for this stuff. Pm me?

[Alyssa Autopsy]

Originally Posted by CherryQuinn

I don't want to trigger anyone in case there are young girls on this site that are looking for this stuff. Pm me?

i don't know how, i don't see a PM option and don't even know where my inbox is.

i didn't even think about that, sorry. i forget that i say a lot of triggering stuff sometimes, but i work opposite. when i see the ultra-skinny, instead of thinking i wanna look like that, i think "i am never going to look like that! i MUST NOT partake in these behaviors!"



edit 2;
i added a triggering warning to the first post

[deadkittens]

seems kind of odd to be focusing on something that isnt happening in terms of you mentioning your desire to be 85lbs but your currently 185lbs..its like in your mind you already are 85lbs or approaching it. i wouldnt put so much thought and effort into something that isnt currently happening.

its like someone being 800lbs but being like omg i want to be 85lbs..its like yeah well we will talk about it when your not 800lbs and it starts to look like it might actually become an issue.

sorry but it seems more to me like your fantasizing about being anorexic.. i also dont think these posts belong here

[berryblondeboys]

deadkittens - you don't have to be skin and bones to be anorexic or bulimic. That is just end stage or worst case situation. Bulimia is purging what you eat. You could be 300 pounds and purge.

Anorexia just means to not eat or eat too little or to over-exercise to burn so many calories that your net is zero or less calories. Of course, if you do this long term and always, you will get super skinny, but what if you do it for 2 weeks and then bing for a week? Then do it for a month, and then binge for a week. Your weight might be 200, but you are binging and starving alternatively. And so on.

Disordered eating is not limited to the skinny.

[CherryQuinn]

Originally Posted by berryblondeboys

deadkittens - you don't have to be skin and bones to be anorexic or bulimic. That is just end stage or worst case situation. Bulimia is purging what you eat. You could be 300 pounds and purge.

Anorexia just means to not eat or eat too little or to over-exercise to burn so many calories that your net is zero or less calories. Of course, if you do this long term and always, you will get super skinny, but what if you do it for 2 weeks and then bing for a week? Then do it for a month, and then binge for a week. Your weight might be 200, but you are binging and starving alternatively. And so on.

Disordered eating is not limited to the skinny.

exactly. You can also just have an undifferenciated disorder which is kinda like what you described, you just have symptoms of various ones, they can be the hardest to discover because you may not see the rapid weight gain or weight loss. I think however discussions on this site about eating disorders other than in the binge eaters area is dangerous as there are a lottttt of young girls on this site just looking for tips and tricks and after many years I can tell by someones language when they are looking for something ( and theres a few teens on the site who ive noticed have looked for this info) and sometimes people don't seem as cincere or genuine about an ED as they say... and I do not want to accidently encourage anything. I don't know if this site is really appropriate for Eds.

[Alyssa Autopsy]

well what site would be? i really need support with my bad thoughts, and the ED guild i'm a part of is NOT active... and im constantly wanting to purge since i gained weight. i even had the urge this morning after breakfast, as oatmeal comes up easily. and i had ONE slice of pizza and ONE chicken nugget, and am feeling the urge to ride my bike 5 miles even though it's dark and raining. obviously i did not indulge in either of these thoughts, but i need a safe place to be able to talk about this kind of stuff.

[midwife]

3FC is a peer support weight loss site and does not have the expertise to offer support for eating disorders. Many people have found the website Something Fishy to be helpful.

http://www.something-fishy.org/