i was told i am "EDNOS" but that was on yahoo answers and idk who those people are, whereas i've been on this site for a bit now and have come to trust and enjoy it already. however, i don't know what to categorize my eating disorder as. i do currently consider myself recovered, however, so the habits i will be telling you were in the past.
ages 12-14
i would go between not eating for 3 days straight, then eating nothing but 1/4 of a bagel with 1/2 tsp cream cheese and 1 apple a day for weeks on end, then not eating for 3 days straight, then back to the bagel and apple. but then, after a few months of that i would drop down to 95 pounds (only 10 pounds underweight for my height, i am 5'1") and be so happy i would think "i can have a piece of cake as a reward, then go back to my dieting so i can get down to 75", but as soon as the cake entered my mouth, it would be followed by months of binging. pizza, cake, cookies, ramen, chinese food, etc... until i was 140. then i would get depressed because i got fat, and go back to the starvation and apples.
ages 14-15
i would continue the same exact schedule as above, except when one day, i binged so much i ended up so full that i threw up UNintentionally... and thought... "hey, maybe i can eat what i want to eat without getting the calories" and became a huge purger. my weakness was beef fried rice. i would make 2 boxes, and eat straight out of the pot. i would eat until my stomach hurt, chugging water the whole time, then make myself throw up. then i would eat more. throw up. over and over. pretty soon, i would go (by myself) to the $10 buffet down the street that just happened to have private bathrooms. i would literally spend an hour there, barely even chewing my food, just scarfing it down. lo mein, shrimp, egg rolls, dumplings and won-ton soup, anything and everything. at this point, i heard about "anorexia" and "bulimia" from my school nurse because a girl in my school was drastically underweight and when they confronted her, she started screaming about "it's my body" and i'm in control" and she yelled so hard she passed out. i was intrigued. i started studying eating disorders and frequenting pro-ana sites. soon i was eating only "negative calorie" foods (celery, lettuce, very small amounts of fruits) and chewing and spitting candy. i experimented with laxatives, but didn't like them.
age 15-17
living with my grandmother. she would make me breakfast, which i would eat, and give me a bagged lunch for school. i would head outside for the bus... but make a pit-stop to the rain gutter. i would throw the bagged lunch in the gutter, and throw up my breakfast. i didn't even care that the kids at the bus-stop would sometimes catch me, because they were intimidated by me (i was hardcore goth, home-done piercings, black lipstick, chains and spikes... in fact, here is a picture!
click... though this was soon after i removed my piercings due to infection. all the clothes the guy is wearing actually belong to me). i wouldn't eat anything at lunch, and my grandmother worked evenings so i just took the food she had made for me, cut it up, and flushed it (i was paranoid about her going through the trash). however, my teeth soon became so sensitive (from the frequent vomiting) that i needed a dentist's visit. the dentist told me my enamel was wearing off, and there were "ridges" on the back of my teeth, which looked as though it was from frequent vomiting, and that i had gingivitis. i was given a prescription toothpaste. but i didn't stop. also, at 17, working part-time at subway, we would get free 6-inches each shift. i would give mine away to the crossing guard on the way home. i also exercised a lot at this point. 1 mile walk to school, school for 4 hours, short walk to work, work for 4 hours, short walk to the gym, run 1 mile, do 1 hour of circuits (it was curves), run 1 mile, then walk 1 mile home. of course, all my muscle-building made me look bigger than i really was, at this point i weighed 105. but i still saw fat EVERYWHERE.
17-19
cycles of self-starvation, binge-purging, and chewing and spitting. looking at my body and seeing fat fat fat fat fat EVERYWHERE.
20
met my now-boyfriend. for the first 3 weeks, he never saw me eat. he mentioned it. i got paranoid. started starving less, purging more. then, i realized i hated sneaking around, and just... stopped. it took no effort whatsoever to stop. however, at that time i was always ****ed up, i used to OD on cough syrup and cold medication (you feel like you're on heroin) so that probably helped me not give a ****.
21
got pregnant. lost baby. comfort ate. got on birth control and medication. gained 100 pounds in 18 months.
22
right now! have lost 23 pounds through proper dieting. but i am constantly feeling triggered. every time fried rice, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, or ramen are around, i wanna binge-purge. every time i eat more than exactly 1500 calories, i wanna go purge. i don't listen to these thoughts telling me to go throw up, especially as it cost $6,000 to fill all the cavities my purging caused and i have a heart problem from nutrition deficiency for so long. i'm also pretty sure i'm so short because my growth was stunted from adolescent starvation. i have especially been wanting to chew/spit candy. but i know i can't. and as much as i know it's not healthy or realistic, i really really really wanna be 75 pounds.
somehow, i NEVER dropped below 95 pounds. NEVER was hospitalized for it. NEVER diagnosed. family didn't even know until about a year ago, i was so good at hiding it. and i know i could easily get away with it again. it's something i'm good at.
anyway, i believe that my history should label me as anorexic AND bulimic, but people say i can't be considered either of those because i never dropped to an unhealthy weight... but i still did great harm to my body, like i said, i now have a heart issue.
what would you label my history as? and what would you suggest for me to do about my urges?
recently i've been looking at extreme anorexics (isabella caro for instance) to see how RUINED their bodies are and it kinda helps me to not want to do it... for a few hours. but then i think "nah i'll just do it to 150 and i'll stop" but i know, i KNOW if i let it get control of me again, i'll try and try and try to get down to 75 pounds, i'll isolate again, i'll be unhealthy again.
anyway, i wanted to share my history a bit as both a serious question and as venting about what i've been thinking about constantly.