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Old 10-11-2003, 11:58 AM   #8
QueenB
Progress..not perfection
 
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 774

Thumbs down I am a Turtle.....

in so many ways.

Before you say, "Oh Lord.... Tina's gone bonkers" let me explain. I was really thinking about this last night and that's how I feel so much of the time.

When you look at a turtle, what do you really see? Do you ever wonder what's really inside there or do you just look at it's outward shell? I know that I personally have never really thought about it..... not until last night. All you really see about a turtle is the shell unless they are brave enough to pop their head out. Sometimes I feel like I have all these wants, desires and dreams but I am "trapped" inside this fat shell that won't let them get out.

Last night I went to a Travis Tritt concert, and don't get me wrong.....I had a really good time. NO ONE puts on a show like he does. Believe it or not, I do not even have the words to tell you how good it was. Me.... speechless? Yeah, it's true. Better write that one down in the record book.

But..... back to what I was saying. I kept looking around at all these women around me. Women in their cute clothes, with their cute bodies, laughing and dancing and doing what they felt was "natural" and not caring what a soul around them thought. Then, there's ME.....feeling clunky in her outfit.....wanting to be up dancing and singing along with everyone else, yet feeling so self-conscious and trapped by her "shell of fat" that the most I could muster up was a little bit of toe tapping. And all the while, being trapped in my "shell" there was this being......this being that longed to be those women..... the ones not uncomfortable with their bodies, the ones laughing and clapping and totally enjoying the experience.

I had to literally MAKE myself get up out of my seat and try to awkwardly move and sway to the music and horror of horrors..... actually leave my seat to move down to the front of the stage, feeling clunky and unatractive walking all the way down the isle.....but I did it.

What a view from the front! And no..... I'm not just talking about Travis. (although THAT view was mighty fine) I'm talking about the whole aspect of it. Right then and there.... standing underneath the lights and booming music amidst a crowd of strangers that all had one thing in common..... that's when I made up my mind. THAT second is when something broke inside of me and I'm not sure that I can go back and fix it and for once..... I don't want to.

Like a turtle..... losing this weight is slow. It cannot be done overnight. BUT.... from this day forward, I will NOT be held prisoner in this shell anymore. Will I still be self conscious about my weight? Yes, I will. But NOT forever. Will I still have to wear clothes that make me feel clunky instead of cute? Sure, but NOT forever. Will there still be times that I will try to blend in the background and not stand out? Yeah, maybe once or twice, but not every time.... because I'm just not satisfied with that anymore.

I WILL be the girl that wears cute clothes and has fun. I WILL be the girl that is comfortable with her body and doesn't care what others think. I will NOT be trapped in this shell of fat. I will start LIVING my life instead of standing by and watching everyone else around me.

Anyone want to join me?
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~Tina~
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