Scared because I accidently made a friend? - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

Babybat · 02-19-2013, 12:52 AM

Hi guys, it feels like it's been forever.

The title must be confusing you all so let me explain.
I met this person on a website called tumblr, she's one year younger than me and stuff and we were talking and I found out she lives REALLY close to me. So she said we should meet up sometime. I am worrying and excited at the same time.

Because...

I haven't had a friend in close to 4 years. Mostly because I don't want one, but I have insecurities and stuff. Obviously my weight, looks, and voice (I have a lisp and a cracky voice which makes me sad but theres not much I can do) Anyway I'm scared and not sure if I should take a chance and get judged or back out and play it safe.

Maybe if I lose more weight things will be better????
I'm really happy with my body, I see changes and I'm comfortable but I don't think I could meet someone.... I don't feel good enough. And I apologize for springing this on to you all. I need your opinions since you all have good ones. What should I do?

Blah I'm so nervous I can't even type, thanks for reading.

alaskanlaughter · 02-19-2013, 12:59 AM

I know that losing weight gave me more confidence but it hasn't necessarily made me want to be more social....If you weren't worried about your weight/looks/voice, would you WANT friends? Some people are NOT social (i should know, i married one) and some people naturally enjoy being around others....It's hard to put yourself out there and risk rejection...On the other hand it may be easier to take that risk with a girl from a website rather than a romantic interest...Perhaps better to test the waters that way and gain some experience at social interactions?

I personally would go for it....but that's just my nature...I'd rather risk it or put myself out there than look back and wonder "what could have been?" Know what i mean?

Babybat · 02-19-2013, 01:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alaskanlaughter

I know that losing weight gave me more confidence but it hasn't necessarily made me want to be more social....If you weren't worried about your weight/looks/voice, would you WANT friends? Some people are NOT social (i should know, i married one) and some people naturally enjoy being around others....It's hard to put yourself out there and risk rejection...On the other hand it may be easier to take that risk with a girl from a website rather than a romantic interest...Perhaps better to test the waters that way and gain some experience at social interactions?

I personally would go for it....but that's just my nature...I'd rather risk it or put myself out there than look back and wonder "what could have been?" Know what i mean?

That's a good way of looking at it.
And yeah I would like a better social life...I love talking to my friends I've met on the web and stuff.
I'm just really nervous about this. Mostly that I'm not good enough and she won't like me.

alaskanlaughter · 02-19-2013, 01:09 AM

I see that as two separate things in a way...If she doesn't like you, then a friendship was never meant to happen and you can move on knowing that you gave it a shot. However if you and her hit it off, not being "good enough" isn't even going to be an issue to her. I've never once asked myself if my friends are good enough, ya know? They're just my friends....And you probably have never thought that way about people that you know either.

Sometimes when I'm in a new situation, it actually helps me to verbalize my feelings like saying "I'm really nervous" to whoever that may be. Like I'm not going to deny it or hide it....This is me, take it or leave it.

Babybat · 02-19-2013, 01:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alaskanlaughter

I see that as two separate things in a way...If she doesn't like you, then a friendship was never meant to happen and you can move on knowing that you gave it a shot. However if you and her hit it off, not being "good enough" isn't even going to be an issue to her. I've never once asked myself if my friends are good enough, ya know? They're just my friends....And you probably have never thought that way about people that you know either.

Sometimes when I'm in a new situation, it actually helps me to verbalize my feelings like saying "I'm really nervous" to whoever that may be. Like I'm not going to deny it or hide it....This is me, take it or leave it.

I really like your outlook, you make a good point

I have nothing to lose.

Fortunate · 02-19-2013, 01:21 AM

I think go for it!
Who knows - maybe she is feeling the same way as you are, you may make a friend for life, or just for a day - either way if you dont go you will always wonder "what if"
When I get shy (most of the time) I pretend to be someone else - still me but more confident - and that works for me, or I pretend I have known this person my whole life.

alaskanlaughter · 02-19-2013, 01:29 AM

One thing that I was taught in a work leadership seminar was an activity where you think about what aspects you'd like to acquire in the next 5 years at your job.....qualities like responsible, capable, confident, knowledgeable etc...and then pick your top quality and repeat that word to yourself in current work situations, like a visualization almost of yourself already having those qualities

i started doing that with the word "confidence" and i'm actually showing/feeling more confidence in my abilities and decision-making skills...like being able to stick to my opinions or decisions when others question that....which is something i've always struggled with as a leader in my chosen field

on an unrelated note....this thread made me think of an old old song that i listened to endlessly in high school by richard marx called "silent scream" and there's a line in there that says "you can't begin to live someone else's life, or your own will pass you by" and that spoke volumes to me in high school....because back then i SO longed to be popular and skinny and confident and i just wasn't....and it helped me step up and be myself, live my own life and not *insert popular girl's name here* her life

BreathingSpace · 02-19-2013, 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Babybat

I haven't had a friend in close to 4 years. Mostly because I don't want one, but I have insecurities and stuff.

Can I tell you a secret? Doing things that make you nervous and challenge you actually help you to gain confidence. Sitting at home waiting for the confidence to COME to you after ___________ happens is less likely to give you any confidence at all.

What's the worst that can happen? I mean really? She won't like you? So what? What does this mean really? Does this necessarily mean she doesn't like you because of your weight, lisp, voice? No - that's why YOU don't like you. So you've already decided that SHE won't like you because of those reasons.

And when you look at that logically you realize, you cannot possibly know why someone likes you or doesn't like you. That's up to them. It goes with the saying "what people think of you is none of your business". Which means, you cannot control what other people think. It's out of your hands!

The pressure is off, so just go and meet her! Who cares? It may be good, it may be bad. But you don't have to judge yourself based on what you "think" she thinks of you. Right?

Does this make sense?

Megan33 · 02-19-2013, 09:31 PM

Really good advice given! I say go for it!!! She may become your very best friend and if not, at least you took a chance. Good luck!

Palestrina · 02-20-2013, 07:36 AM

You don't want friends? I don't buy it. If you didn't want friends you wouldn't be so torn up about this. Having friends is very important for one's overall health. With friends you can laugh, share secrets, have someone to talk to, have someone to listen to, and make a human connection. I've known people who don't want to make friends and to tell you the truth they seem like miserable people.

I've never judged my friends on what they look like or what their voice sounds like. I judge them by how they make me feel, how they treat me, and how funny they are. I don't care if they lisp or if they have pimples, but I do care that they return my phone calls, are available to meet up once in a while, and want to sit around watching Steel Magnolias with me.

Don't try to see yourself through her eyes, because you're idealizing her. She's not so perfect - nobody is. Go meet her and see what SHE has to offer. Are you going to reject her if she has crooked teeth? As long as you are not rude to people, eat food that has fallen on the floor, throw things and generally well behaved there's no reason not to go out in public. Just be yourself, be kind, ask questions, answer questions genuinely, and smile a lot you should have no problem.

You should really be reading books on confidence and assertiveness. You are the only one that can make yourself more happy. Life doesn't happen, you have to go out and make it happen.

BreathingSpace · 02-20-2013, 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wannabeskinny

As long as you are not rude to people, eat food that has fallen on the floor, throw things and generally well behaved there's no reason not to go out in public.

*picturing someone doing that*