[Elladorine]

Well, maybe not so much "confessions,' but it sounded right.

I'm extremely wary of sugar these days and try to stay away from it as much as possible. I'm sure a lot of you guys understand. I'm also sure a lot of your friends and family may not understand. The odd thing is that I don't crave it like I used to (at least as long as it's out of reach), and it's not even nearly as pleasurable to eat as it used to be, so why is it so damned hard to stay away from? All the reasoning in the world won't always keep me from grabbing handfuls of candy or cookies that are sitting right in front of me, and h3ll, I feel nothing but guilt even as I stare at the sweets beckoning me, long before I even have a chance to put any in my mouth.

I've found what works best for me is to make most of my food choices under tightly controlled situations. When I go to a restaurant, I typically know what options are best for me and stick with those. I mentally pre-plan at all buffet and pot luck encounters (healthy choices, small portions, no seconds) and try to focus more on the company and less on the food. I don't buy certain goodies while grocery shopping because the last thing I need is to invite temptation from my very own kitchen. I believe I can usually handle it (I once kept a large container of M&M's for months), but I never know when it's too much and I'll cave in with a binge. Why take a chance, especially at this time of year?

I've worked very hard to change my habits and my mindset over the years; I've lost 40 pounds since March, making a grand total of over 130 lost from my highest. I managed to get through all the weeks I didn't lose or even gained a little because I know I must keep the big picture in mind. I'm forcing myself to be more active and have stubbornly latched onto a healthier way of eating because I simply can't continue to live the way I used to. And I only have 7 more pounds to lose to be at my lightest weight ever since junior high (yes, I'm saying this as a 36 year old).

The holidays are an especially difficult time for me. Not only are we bombarded with decadent food and an ungodly amount of treats as part of the celebrating, it's when I feel the most vulnerable and homesick. I've also had an awful lot on my mind lately, as I'm dealing with some very painful personal issues.

Anyway, my husband brought home 3 packaged treats from work before Christmas. One brownie, one frosted rice crispie treat, and one cookie . . . each of which well over 500 calories. Oh, and my husband's aunts bought us a box of See's chocolates. I had one piece of candy once the box was opened and decided I wasn't having any more. And the cute packaged treats sat here for several days in their clear cellophane wrappers, staring at me, waiting to be opened.

I didn't touch the box of candy again for days. Then on New Year's Eve (my late mother's birthday) I found myself alone and opening the box of chocolates, feeling I was fully under control and that just one more wouldn't hurt. And walnuts are healthy, right? Even when they're covered in chocolate and caramel? So one piece quickly turned into two. And within seconds, I realized the fleeting pleasure was gone the moment the last of the candy was swallowed, and the box was simply begging me to eat more. I put the lid back on and debated on throwing the rest into the garbage before walking away. Had I bought them myself? Yes, I'd have thrown them away right then and there. But they were a gift to both my husband and I . . .

Hours later, I returned to the box and opened it. Peering inside, the smell was intoxicating. I reminded myself I'd already had some and it just wasn't worth the calories (which aren't even listed on the box), so once again I put the lid back on and walked away. And sometime before my next meal, I returned to the box and pulled out four pieces, remembering that two wasn't "enough" the first time. I quickly ate two of the pieces before asking myself what the h3ll I was doing. I put the other two pieces back and closed the lid, relieved I was able to stop myself.

I returned to the box after dinner, opening the box and closing it again, fighting with myself. And felt immensely proud for not taking any out. Which I guess was completely forgotten hours later when I returned to pull out the two pieces I'd so proudly put back earlier. I don't remember exactly when I brought it up but I let my husband know that the box needed to go before I ate them all. I tried to reason through my usual steps learned from the Beck Diet Solution (making a decision and sticking with it) but it's been such a long month and I've been feeling especially weak.

So later on that night (past midnight I think) I decided it was cookie time. I felt it was okay to have that small indulgence for the New Year and asked my husband if he wanted to split it with me (it's a 560 calorie cookie!). I broke it in half and sat with him to enjoy it, and at some I point said the other packaged treats needed to leave along with the box of candy because I was tired of feeling like they were mocking me.

I don't think anything more was really said until it was time to go to the in-laws for lunch yesterday. I packed up the goodies to give to the rest of the family so they'd be out of my reach. To be honest I don't even remember much of the conversation now, but my husband said something about how I needed to learn how to actually control myself around the goodies rather than just shutting them out . . .

Control?! I do so much to control. I don't buy it. I don't expose myself to it. I've worked so hard since March to not let food control me. Yet I suppose it still does now, just in an entirely different way. And hearing that? Well, I started sobbing uncontrollably.

Because I'm tired of thinking about food constantly. I'm tired of debating and justifying choices and portion sizes. I turn a blind eye to many of the foods I've always loved because I know I won't be satisfied with a reasonable portion. I want the fries but I eat the salad. I want the candy bar but I have the fruit. I want the bacon cheeseburger but order the chicken breast. I want the chow mein noodles but order the steamed veggies. Sometimes I do let myself have the fries, the candy, the bacon cheeseburger, or the chow mein noodles, but under controlled circumstances. Sometimes I swear I don't even know what tastes good anymore and will choose something that's bland just so I know I won't go overboard on it.

I haven't lost any weight since early November. While I didn't feel freaked out about it until yesterday's lecture, I've wanted to push extra hard to make some progress. I took it easy on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but got right back into my old routine until I sort of snapped with the candy. And I know in the grand scheme of things, those 6 pieces and the half a cookie don't amount to much. Heck, maybe even having the whole box and the whole cookie wouldn't have. But I don't want this to happen anymore. I don't want to slide back and have a 25 pound regain like I did last winter due to all the "just this once's" happening before, during, and after every meal. I don't want to admit I was losing control but it's pretty obvious I was. But I'd like a little credit for realizing what was happening and taking every step I could to regain that control.

So . . . my husband gave me a few minutes alone after I went to the bedroom, sobbing. When he came in he gently tried to remind me that he's done his absolute best to be supportive of my efforts by letting me handle my health issues the way I want. He respects my wishes of not buying stashes of candy to keep in the house, which is pretty easy for him anyway since he's not big on sweets. But he claims it's unhealthy that I apparently can't control myself around it. He reminded me that I've come a long way, and more than anything, it's important for me to be happy. And how can I possibly be happy if one little mention of my candy issues turns me into a sobbing mess? He's made it clear that he loves me regardless of my size, that he finds me attractive and sexy at any weight, and claims that I'm way too hard on myself when it comes to these things.

And why shouldn't I be able to enjoy something, anything in moderation? Why can't I just eat one piece of candy and leave the rest of the box alone? Why do I have to make it a huge point to not even buy certain things in the first place? Considering all this made me feel selfish and completely crazy, and then angry. I decided long ago that it was useless to be angry, to complain about not being able to eat whatever I want (like my husband can!), because none of that will make my dreams happen. I have to play the cards I've been dealt. We all do, right? I can't just mindlessly eat; that's what turned me into a 360 woman that couldn't even walk across the room without being out of breath. I have to track my every meal and snack if I want to lose weight and be healthier, it's the best way to stay aware of what I'm doing. And I can't have stacks of certain food surrounding me at home without having it eventually take over my brain. Isn't it already enough that I have work so hard to control myself everywhere but home? Sugar harms me, I know that. According to my doctor I spent years as an undiagnosed diabetic, and although I've gotten my blood sugar back on track there's been irreversible damage to my body.

I told my husband once again that I believe I'm a sugar addict, pure and simple. I didn't choose for it to be my drug. And I thought I'd already had this conversation with him before: you wouldn't stick a case of beer in the fridge if you lived with an alcoholic and expect them to enjoy it "in moderation," would you? Why should I set myself up for failure? That made him understand. He said he wished I'd have made the comparison sooner, although I'm quite certain I did way back when he was taking my issues less seriously.

I'm exhausted. Yesterday was a long day. But the candy and the treats are out of the house, we're both taking this one step at a time, and I'm back on plan. Heh, maybe I'll even regain my sanity? I don't even know what my point is, but I guess I needed to vent. I realize I can't shape the entire world to suit my whims and I'm not accusing anyone of sabotage, but I'd like a little more credit for recognizing my weaknesses and actively seeking ways to manage them.

[kmac1196]

Oh, hugs to you! I'm sorry you are going through a lot of emotional stuff right now. Weight loss is mostly the mental fight, huh?! You have down amazing and you shouldn't beat yourself up about trip ups. One thing that I have learned about myself this time around which I think is important is that saying that I was addicted to food (which I said for a long time) took the power AWAY from me. Like I was a victim to it. Now, I share this not to take anything away from anyone who is struggling because losing weight is such a personal struggle and we all need to find out what works for each of us. I share it because I'm hoping maybe it will help someone else. So, when that whole move about the fast food industry killing people (supersize me, I think) everyone suddenly had an excuse, I think....a reason, a scape goat. Then another movie came out that was a rebuttal for that movie which I watched and LOVED!!!!! Called Fat head. And one line in the movie stuck with me and made me think....he ate nothing but fast food for 3 meals a day for 30 days and lost weight and when it was over, he was so happy not to go into a fast food place! He said (and I'm paraphrasing) if he was addicted, as the previous movie guy said, why is he able to quit cold turkey? Why is the thought of NOT going, making him giddy? So....long story short, I gave that a LOT of thought and took back my power. My responsiblity. My choices. And I feel like I'm free. I have had sweets. I have gone out to dinner with my husband once a week every week since August. Sometimes we eat Thai, pizza, Chinese, Italian, whatever. I don't choose healthy things. I eat what I feel like eating that day. Sometimes it's healthy. Often it's not. I don't binge. I eat until I'm comfortable full not stuffed. I take the rest home and give it to my kids and I enjoy everyting. I don't obsess over the food and miss the wonderful company of my husband. It's a backdrop not the main show! And I'm able to be moderate for the first time in my life. I don't have stuff in the house as a general rule anyway because we don't eat that way but if it is here (my husband likes to snack sometimes) I don't worry about it. I know I can have it if I want it. I know I can stop at one. I know I don't have to have it. They are all my choices and no one elses. I control it. I wish this for you. I truly believe that you can conquer this. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man who is supportive of you but confused as to what to do. I don't think I agree with the notion that food is addicting like alcohol. But....I know this is such a personal, emotional struggle that you should have the support you need, when you need it! And you are remarkable for doing the work it takes to get this done!!!!!

[KatMarie]

Elladorine...I swear I could have wrote the same post, down to the way your hubby reacts too! And, I have developed sugar intolerance and get quite ill when I eat moderate amounts of sugars or even carbs. But, that doesn't stop me from eating sweets if they are in the house. How insane is that, that i'll still eat something even though i know it will make me sick!? And yes, I've done the same obsessing with sweets, getting one, going back for more, putting it back, throwing them away, crying over it. Miserable. I don't have them in the house at all anymore...I can't. Not worth it.

[AwShucks]

I totally know the 'eat it until it's gone' scenario with candy in the house. I just can't have it around. If only your husband hadn't brought the treats home - He could've given them away at work or to someone on a street corner on the way home!

I accepted a few gifts of food this holiday, and made it clear that my house guests would appreciate their thoughtfulness, since I was sugar-free. One coworker, who actually listens to me, gave me some home grown grapefruits instead of a bag of homemade candy like she gave all of the others - now, that's thoughtfulness! I loved it, and I let her know it!

You know, I think the sugar itself may have contributed to your reaction here. Sugar really messes me up -- makes me sleepy, sluggish, foggy, achey, grumpy -- all of that while tasting insanely delicious! If you were sugar-free, it must've really thrown you for a loop!

But, what a difference a day makes, and now that the effects have worn off, you'll likely be able to view these events in a different light. I hope so. It wasn't a complete catastrophe; you've examined yourself and learned from it. That's always a good thing! Hang in there!

[Mozzy]

Hugs

[Garnet2727]

I'm so with you on being tired of thinking about food all the time. It's wearing. In addition, I think that people need to respect that at this point in our weight loss efforts, avoidance of certain foods is the best we can do. The last time someone preached at me about moderation, I about bit their blasted head off. I am eating in moderation but there are some foods that act as a trigger and I don't need those around, thankyouverymuch.

[Pacifica Bee]

I know, without equivocating, EXACTLY how you feel. My heart breaks for you because it breaks for myself. You and I have the exact same issues with sugar and husbands who just don't get it. They love us, they support us in the way that they can, but when they say stupid things like "well, just don't eat X then..." they don't understand that there is a thing that happens in our brains that just won't let us leave X alone.

You commented in the thread that I made yesterday, so you know I spent a year off the wagon of not really calorie counting and eating way more than I should so this may be a little pot calling the kettle black. I know with a certainty that I have a sugar addiction which is why I never eat sugar, ever. Not even in my year off the wagon. I only(?) gained 30 pounds in that year and I think that was because I gave up sugar entirely 3 years ago. If I had gone back to eating my old ways, I think I would have regained everything. It is the only piece of control that I can consistently maintain.

And no, my family doesn't get it, or respect it. My mother in law sent us a box of jams for Christmas. I gave the whole box away, and I told her as much. She was not happy with me but she knows better and I am tired of kitty-footing around other people's feelings about "gifts" they give me that pay no heed to my well known issues (last year for my birthday she got this huge birthday cake and said "now I know you don't eat sugar but I got you this birthday cake!" Everyone in the room ate cake, I sat and watched, feeling like I was on the verge of tears the whole time. She didn't even have the decency to get me an apple or something. UGH)

I bring up these stories to say: it is OK to throw out "gifts". No really, it is. If you are like me, having stuff around is a constant battle. And the husband just needs to understand that. Heck I made my husband bring all the crackers and tasty things he likes to snack on to his car to snack on at work or on his way home. I can't even have anything in the house right now when my will power is just coming back online. Luckily for me, he is willing to do that 'cos he knows I have issues.

I'm sorry about your crying fit. I once had one over pizza the husband had delivered that I really, really wanted. I went into the bedroom and just cried my eyes out (quietly. I didn't want him to feel guilty - he should be allowed to have what he wants, right?. He caught me though and that was the last of the pizza delivery)

Shoot me a PM if you ever need to commiserate. As you can see, I meant it when I said I know exactly how you feel.

Life isn't fair.

[mnemosyne]

I'm so with you on being tired of thinking about food all the time. It's wearing. In addition, I think that people need to respect that at this point in our weight loss efforts, avoidance of certain foods is the best we can do. The last time someone preached at me about moderation, I about bit their blasted head off. I am eating in moderation but there are some foods that act as a trigger and I don't need those around, thankyouverymuch.

Heh. I have it easy. I'm single. I control all the food in my house, so I don't have relationship issues where a husband/kid/roommate brings food into the house that tempts me. But I know exactly what you mean: I don't have that problem with chocolates, but I DO have that problem with chips. Even mediocre baked chips, or rice cakes that taste like cardboard dusted with nacho cheese powder. I can only buy those foods in single-serving or very small serving (3 at most) containers, because I cannot control portions when I have a giant bag of mediocre baked chips sitting around the house calling my name. And I don't think its BAD that I decide instead to keep that stuff out of my house, but I'm sorry y'all don't have the same freedom I do to ban all temptations from the kitchen.

It is absolutely okay to throw gifts away, or give them away. But personally, I never 'make known' what I'm doing with them. I am always gracious about gifts. My food issues are mine; I don't expect the world to adjust to me. I'm also a vegetarian, and am happy to eat around meat when necessary, ignore the main dish and have sides. I give food gifts and they are well-intentioned. I would be hurt if someone was rude to me about one, and while I would try to remember preferences next year, honestly, I cannot remember everyone else's likes and dislikes. I save that brain-space for Trivial Pursuit.

I received a box of candy in a gift exchange; and shared it with everyone at work. I received a giant container of Marcona almonds for Christmas. Oh, they are delicious and I should have given them back to my parents, but instead I gave them away at work so they wouldn't hang around my house, calling my name, being a GIANT 17 ounce container of almonds going: neee-mo-zi-nee, neee-mo-zi-nee*.

When my mom asked "Are you giving us back your almonds so you're not tempted?" on New Year's Day, I said, "Nope. I'm keeping them. They're delicious." Not: "Nope. I gave them away already. How could you tempt me with those delicious Spanish almonds!"

(Though clearly, I should've asked if they wanted them back when I got them. I now feel a wee bit guilty about giving them away.)

Oh! But: so glad you got through to your husband. Really, the healthy thing to do is to find something that works for you and live in that space happily. And hopefully that analogy you made (alcoholic/case of beer) will allow your husband to understand better in the new year.

*not actually my real name.

[Vex]

You aren't alone. I'm the same way, and I've read many people on here have the same issue. If sugar is outside of my reach, I don't crave it. If it's in the house, it's gone. It's so hard to throw things away, as I really have a hard time 'wasting' food.

Someone here used to post a link to an article that flat out gives scientific data that sugar is as addicting as drugs..wish I could find it.

Also, I wish I knew how to deal with people who think they are treating you despite the fact you really don't want it. I had Chinese on New years not because I wanted it, but because my mother in law invited us over and bought it especially for us, our own specific entrees even. She didn't ask, just assumed we loved and wanted it. chinese food does a number on me due to it's salt content and now I'm up 3 lbs in water weight that will throw my plan back a week.

I could have said no I don't want any, but then there would have been "discussions". UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I hate feeling that I don't want to spend time with certain people because food is involved and it sets me back in weight loss. (sorry for the side rant)

[Trazey34]

I think we've all been there. I thought I was a sugar addict for a while, but it was all part of my plan to 'explain' why I was the way I was. I had to have a reason WHY. A sane normal person wouldn't eat a pan of fudge over the course of 3 days, why did I?? but then I realized I would eat a pan of lasagna too LOL it was FOOD, and I wanted it, it tasted good, why couldn't I have it? I was an awesome person, I DESERVED to be able to eat it and have no consequences LOL

not even kidding, that's how I thought.

Once I got THAT sh*t dealt with and under control, the other stuff didn't matter anymore. I can't control sugar or food in the world, yes I can control it coming in and out of my house, but that doesn't stop it from EXISTING. And if my husband wants a cookie he should be able to live in a home where he can have that.

Once I got a grip on that, that sugar and food is everywhere all the time, and I can't control that, things got a lot easier. I didn't have to worry about it, no one could control what actually goes into MY mouth.

My favourite trick for a while was, with the hard-cord 'pushers' who want you to eat your food, was to say "oh I'd love it, but my blood sugar was a little high last check up, I'M NOT ALLOWED FOR A WHILE" hahahh every single person backed off immediately!!! some still never offer me a thing LOL which suits me juuuust fine

I'm not saying sugar is good to eat, only an idiot would say that LOL It's evil and responsible for a lot of damage and we can all live easily without it -- I'm just saying that, like with all addictions, if you don't treat the underlying reason for it, it can be replaced with something else really fast

[Elladorine]

Thank you for all the responses, they're very much appreciated. I'm relieved that others can relate. For those of you that have also struggled, I feel for you.

I'm feeling better. My husband and I had a little retreat to visit my aunt and grandma in Palm Springs this weekend. Heh, nothing like getting some new clothes and having a few compliments thrown your way to lift your spirits.

Both my aunt and grandma are shopaholics. We all wear about the same size and they always have some nice clothes for me that they don't want anymore (my grandma did the same with my mom long before I was born, always having too many clothes and and sharing the wealth, so to speak). And I heard a lot from my aunt about how good I look. She said I don't even look like the same person from the back!

We went out to eat a few times, and I made good choices overall. Had some fries with my last meal, but hey, it was a vacation. I completely avoided the open candy dish of M&M's sitting on the counter, had no dessert, and felt like I was in control the entire time. No real temptations, no anxieties, just making my usual choices and an occasional splurge while moving on. It felt good to be at that place again.

As for the comparison to an alcoholic, given that I used to drink myself into a stupor on a nightly basis I feel it's actually fair. I think I could easily slip back into alcohol again if I took another drink (or even if we kept something like Jager in the house), but I haven't touched any in about 5 years. And that's much more socially acceptable, you know? People won't push alcohol on you like they will sweets and other foods. And while perhaps it's a different story altogether, I'm also a former smoker; let me just say that quitting alcohol and quitting cigarettes was a h3ll of a lot easier for me than learning to control my eating. I've spent a lifetime trying to figure that out.

Something I've found is that nearly all of my cravings go away when sugars/simple carbs/starches are not in the picture. It's when they're added back in that I lose control and want everything in sight regardless of what it's made of, and that's when I really have to buckle down and force myself to make the right choices rather than just accept the fact that I have to eat a certain way if I want to be healthy. How much of it is mental and how much of it is physical? I don't know, but I don't think it really matters. What helps me is knowing my weaknesses so I can find ways to cope and manage my behavior. I have no doubt that I get high off of sugar and that I even have physical withdrawals . . . but it seems the average person just doesn't get it.

When I was growing up, my mom used to add sugar to the macaroni & cheese and other savory foods in order to improve the flavor. She also used to make me bowls of white rice with maple syrup poured on top for breakfast; no fat in it so it was "healthy!" Sugar was seen as harmless; fat was the real "enemy." And having that mindset made it insanely difficult to lose weight while I was in my 20's. I didn't know what high-glycemic foods were, let alone realized they spiked my blood sugar and made me all the more hungry . . .

But I digress. Like I said, I'm feeling better now. I do believe that my husband should be allowed to have sweets in the house if he so chooses, but that he should understand I'll occasionally have weak moments to work around. It's all about give and take, right? If I can't have or don't want something, I can't be hounded about it. No guilt trips from either side. If it was always as easy as just saying no, I probably wouldn't have ever been obese in the first place.

[lunarsongbird]

Originally Posted by Elladorine

I completely avoided the open candy dish of M&M's sitting on the counter, had no dessert, and felt like I was in control the entire time. No real temptations, no anxieties, just making my usual choices and an occasional splurge while moving on. It felt good to be at that place again.

This is GREAT! I had to throw away a box of truffles that we got for Christmas last night after eating three of them "against my will." Fortunately, my husband isn't very much into sweets so he probably won't notice.

I'm a bit frustrated, because with the program I'm currently on- they want me to be eating startches. However- I too find that they trigger cravings. If I kick starches to the curb...I simply don't have cravings.

Like you- I'm not sure how much is physical versus mental.

I've read a few things help with sugar cravings: I'm starting some probiotics, candex (an enzyme that attacks candida), and some l-gultamine. L-glutamine has really helped in the past.

I hate when I feel like my body is controling my mind and not the other way around.

[ChickieBoom]

Originally Posted by Elladorine

I told my husband once again that I believe I'm a sugar addict, pure and simple. I didn't choose for it to be my drug. And I thought I'd already had this conversation with him before: you wouldn't stick a case of beer in the fridge if you lived with an alcoholic and expect them to enjoy it "in moderation," would you? Why should I set myself up for failure? That made him understand. He said he wished I'd have made the comparison sooner, although I'm quite certain I did way back when he was taking my issues less seriously.

This is what hit the nail on the head for me. This is the thing that so many people fail to understand when they're telling me that I can eat whatever I want in moderation.

I personally don't know how to do moderation when it comes to sugar. I am a sugar addict so I don't eat it...AT ALL. I have a food allergy to beans, peas and cauliflour. If I eat those things, I go into anaphylactic shock so I don't eat them AT ALL. I don't feel deprived because I can't eat the foods that I'm allergic too because I'll get sick if I eat them. I've learned to be very careful when I go out and I ask lots of questions about the preparation because I physically can not eat beans, peas or cauliflour. I treat my sugar addiction the same way. I just can't handle it in my system so I don't eat it. I don't bargain with myself about it or treat myself once in a while because I want to. I made my peace with my sugar addiction and I put it out of my head. I just don't eat it...no matter what.

The good news for me is that once the sugar was out of my system, I stopped physically craving it. It's been a little over 7 months since I last had any sugar and I can honestly say that I'm not bothered by having it around because I know that I can't eat it.

[LaurieDawn]

I used to feel bad about my inability to control myself around food. If the bag of chips was open, it was gone. I have done the dance you did with the candy way too many times to count. I know I am not 'normal' in this regard.

But so what? I do a few things exceptionally well. I have maintained consistent exercise habits since last June. These things aren't 'normal' either. I don't want to obsess over a candy box. And I know I am not saving any for anyone else when I start the pattern you described either. So I get rid of it. And refuse to feel 'less than' for doing so. My size 00 friend can have a candy dish in her office and not eat any of it. I can't. I can deadlift 135 pounds. She can't. And we are both awesome. And so are you.:-)

[362to262]

Elladorina

Could have been ME writing that OP.

Can you please befriend me as I want to ask for your help.

I'm 352 pounds and wanna be like you!