[Beach Patrol]

First of all, I apologize for the length of this post.

My mojo's done gone miss'n!! Yup. Lost it. Can't seem to find it. Wah.

I'm really trying to hang in there. But for the past few months, I have just been so blase about my "weight loss journey" (and why does that term make me cringe?) I'm still logging my calories (FitDay) and I'm still eating mostly clean. But I've hopped aboard the Sugar Train again, and now I've made the connection on the Bread Train. I feel a little pathetic about it.

My goal has not been met. I've admitted (in other threads) that I have gained a little weight back. Five pounds up. Then bouncing around with 2 or 3 pounds here & there. Ok, I know, that's not so bad. But that lingering, nagging fear about regaining it all (plus more!) is stalking me. Always the monkey on my back.

And I celebrated a birthday on Friday. Had a big party on Saturday. Last year in my 40's. Oh.My.GAWD. I really wanted to be at goal for my b'day, but nope. I hardly ate anything at all all day, just wasn't hungry. We had lots of food at the party that night. I had a couple spoonfuls of my husband's famous velveeta cheese/hamburger dip, but mostly stuck to the shrimp dip that I love so much (boiled shrimp, salsa, fresh tomatoes & cilantro... yum!!!!) Didn't even have ONE single chicken wing. Drank 3 rum and Diet Dr Peppers.

But the next morning. . . there was plenty of cheesy bread left over. I had some for breakfast. Then I had the rest for a mid-morning snack. Then I had a handful of chewy choc.chip cookies. Then another handful. But that's all I had all day. No other food at all. Drank two glasses of de-caff tea & had water-water-water the rest of the day/night.

Woke up this morning STILL feeling stuffed like a pinata!! I am having my morning coffee and can't imagine having ANY FOOD today at all. My stomach feels round. Like a basketball/watermelon. A basketmelon. Yeah, that's it. And I feel that monkey on my back like an extra 25 lb. (Actually down one pound from yesterday). Weighed this morning at 159, but I KNOW I'm carrying at least 3 lb of water weight. UGH... all. that. BREAD!!!!

The fact of the matter is... I'm just TIRED. Tired of dieting. Tired of the "routine." Feel like I should maybe shake things up a bit. Try something new. But afraid to do that. Did it a few months ago by taking a "break" from dieting (just maintaining) and hey... gained 3-5 lb, so that really sucked. I feel ... STUCK. Eternally stuck. Like "what's the point?" stuck. I miss ShanIAm and berryblonde - they've not been around for a little while and I really connect with them on our body types and goals, etc.

If I cannot get myself back into gear... find my mojo... I'm so scared I'll end up back at 192. Or worse. 200. 225. 250. Etc. My daily food intake is really not bad. Still having my yummy veggie/cheese (low fat) omelette for breakfast with coffee, a mid-a.m. snack of a handful of nuts or fruit and then lunch is a tomato/cucumber/carrot salad, and 2 oz of turkey.

Dinner can be a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios w/skim milk on a non-planned day. Occasionally we get lazy & order a 1-topping pizza on a Friday night, but I only eat a couple slices. (Cheesy bread mocks me.) Planned dinners are usually baked chicken or pork chops with veggies or something similar. And then I like to enjoy a low-fat/low calorie dessert treat. But often, I have two, or three... or six. I hate me when I do that. And exercise? Ha. Walking the dogs for 20 minutes a day does not equal real exercise. It's better than nothing. But I've barely been swimming & not weight lifting at all.

Wow. I really need to find my mojo!

[Hotaruchan]

I'm sure you'll find it somewhere. It might be hanging out with mine.

I was doing really well for 2 months...I lost about 30 lbs, was exercising every day and eating well, then everything went out the window this weekend. It's not that I was especially unhealthy (well, I did have a bunch of salty festival food on Saturday, but I also walked for nearly 3 hours at the festival, biked for 2 1/2 getting there and back, and did my circuit training)...but one of my prime motivators (my boyfriend was supposed to get leave and come visit this month) went out the window, then my scale's battery died and I've had no success locating a replacement. It's been muggy and hot, and I feel super bloated. Without the scale to confirm that I haven't managed to regain all of the 35 lbs I've lost since moving to Japan, I feel like a whale, however irrational that may be.

I think I'm going to finish this week on plan then take a maintenance week to do some traveling and just get out of my apartment to try to kick myself out of my funk. I almost wish that there had been things that had been restricted at my high weight so that I could go do them now to remind myself of how awesome progress is, but the only thing that I can think of is clothes shopping and frankly I don't care much for most Japanese fashion or derive a lot of pleasure from buying clothes.

Maybe having some fun and spending a little you time would be beneficial to you too...

[Rana]

I really sympathize.

I have another 16 lbs to go and I am struggling to find the changes that I need to make to actually get to goal. In June/July, my weight went up a few pounds, but I was at 161 back in January. I have been taking a "break" and it's not one food that has me going crazy... it's just everything. Eating a little more calories every day, rather than averaginng 1500, because I just get tired of restricting so much.

It's gotten to the point that I am thinking if this next month of Paleo doesn't kick my butt (in a good way), then maybe I need to consider just maintaining for the rest of the year and take a look at 2013 with new eyes.

So, I totally get what you're doing... I'm kind of doing it myself.

Something that is getting me going into the whole Paleo thing is planning out my meals. I haven't started yet, but I have been looking at options for recipes and stuff and that gets me going. I still calorie count -- and I will have to even with Paleo -- but it at least focuses me on what I should be doing, rather than ignoring the monkey on my back.

When I started this -- not the after the hospital start, but the months leading up my complete change of eating habits -- I was changing one thing or that thing. I could eat whatever I wanted, but I needed -- MUST -- eat 5 servings of vegetables a day. Or to drink X amount of water or to eat home every weekday.

Maybe you need to start with that small stuff again. Don't beat yourself up for the weight gain, just focus on the little stuff again -- eat bread, but only once a day, instead of three times. Or eat that chocolate chip cookie AFTER you worked out, not before. Slowly, maybe, something will kick in.

[Arctic Mama]

Your mojo must be hiding with mine. Between nausea and no energy, I am totally off my game. Oh well!

The good news is that you and I (and anyone else!) can take back control at ANY point. It's just a matter of commitment and follow-through. Today, for example, I'm focusing on my plan and correcting my slips one good meal at a time. I'm not doing perfectly, but I am certainly doing better than if I wasn't trying at all! Even 'not gaining' is a victory worth celebrating, and every good choice is one step closer to your goal and matters.

Commit to three good days on plan, complete with white knuckling it if need be. Most of us find that by day three we're back in the zone, so to speak, and well on our way.

[Steph7409]

F***ing bread. It's like that guy you know you should dump, but he's so pretty! At the grocery store yesterday, I had to say "no" (out loud!) to the rosemary olive oil bread that was calling to me.

Anyway, beachpatrol: I totally get your fear about regaining. I'm older than you are (the 50s are not so bad, really!) and have been fat most of my life, up and down the scale more than a few times. But, reading your post, it sounds to me like you're hanging on pretty well. Maybe you've gained a few pounds and aren't exercising as much as you'd like, but you're not totally off the rails. You stopped after eating the cheesy bread and the cookies. Would that have been true back in the day? For me, no. That would have just been the start. But now, I find I just can't eat that much anymore, just like you did. I would have to work up to the volume of food I used to consume on a regular basis, and I'm pretty confident that I can stop that behavior now. I'm not sure why I feel that way, but I do. I think it requires a bit of a leap in faith, faith in myself. You should have that same sort of faith in yourself. You're good enough, you're smart enough - and you've got that great new haircut!

[HungryHungryHippo]

Hey BeachPatrol--I always look forward to your posts. I can relate to so much. One thing that's keeping me on track right now is that I've heard after menopause, it gets REALLY hard to lose weight. So I feel like this is my last, best chance to get down to a low weight and lock it in.

[LaurieDawn]

Mojo is an odd thing. I was struggling to find mine. For the past two weeks, I have still been restricting calories (and thankfully losing weight), but have not been choosing the most nutritious options. I totally agree with Taryl - often committing and white - knuckling through three super - strict days often does the trick.

I found mine with a vengeance on Saturday, though. I was doing some white knuckle strategies - avoiding food, taking kids swimming so I would feel super lame if I didn't swim laps, etc. And somebody posted something on Facebook about the childhood obesity problem being entirely the fault of parents feeding kids too much junk. I rarely do FB debates. But this - coming from a thin man who regularly posts about the high volume of alcohol and junk food he consumes, had me livid.

And my mojo was hanging out with my anger. I don't know when I will next see this friend, but I want to be thinner when I do. I went to lift that night, and instead of going through the motions, I imagined I was competing with him. TOTALLY goofy and irrational, but I don't require my mojo to make sense. I just embrace it, cuz it's way easier and more fun when she's around. Other 'mojo triggers' for me in the past have been depictions of the super morbid obese. Not to judge them, but to drive home the potential consequences. I also often find inspiration in success stories. Lots of those here.

Good luck finding and keeping the elusive mojo. Going to enjoy mine while I somehow have her cornered. But also plan to appreciate that weight loss doesn't require mojo.

[freelancemomma]

Originally Posted by Beach Patrol

And I celebrated a birthday on Friday. Had a big party on Saturday. Last year in my 40's. Oh.My.GAWD.

Milestone birthday parties are a killer. My 50th birthday party was a large contributor to my regaining 50 pounds 5 years ago. We hired someone to run a Belgian chocolate fondue fountain. The next day there were BRICKS of milk and white Belgian chocolate left. Guess who melted and ate them over the next few days?

I'm sure you'll find your mojo again. I find that trying on killer clothes sometimes helps me. Also, making sure that I eat ONLY foods I love, even within my "plan." IMO, the key to this whole thing is to minimize deprivation.

Freelance

[NEMom]

Oh honey can I feel your pain and frustration!!!
I met my original goal in November and have been promising myself that I can lose 10 more pounds and I just can't get it done. I still have a ton of fat to lose and lately I have been feeling really fat again but I just can't get things moving.
I have been super busy the past month and have given myself permission to skip my regular morning exercise, for my health I had to do it but man mentally, it sucks. Next week, my life should begin returning to 'normal' so I am going to get back at the exercise in the morning. I have tried keeping my food in check but it has not been totally on plan. I have totally ignored the scale the last week because I am afraid of the number I will seen.
Grap my hand and we will pull each other through!!!

[krampus]

I am feeling discouraged, too. It's exhausting trying to navigate around social meals and nights out and vacations and milestones. Over the weekend, on vacation, I tried to make sensible/healthy choices eating out and I ended up being disappointed with my bland/lame meals, which is the worst feeling in the world.

Today I self-medicated after making a dumb mistake at work with mediocre cookies. The only direction from here is up. I'm off to the gym.

[grabec]

I am so grateful for yaalls' posting. I so relate. I just completely lost it today and have been for endless days. Just can't care enough but hate the weight gain beyond words. I start out every morning well but as the day wears on I just can't keep it together and the eating and amounts accelerate. Just can't control it...can't. Thanks so much for your posts.

[Petite Powerhouse]

I celebrated my 39th birthday in late May—and every day since then has been a very reflective one. I am tired of so many things. I'm tired of seeing new changes in my face when I look in the mirror. I'm tired of how much white is in my hair as it grows out after each new dye job. I'm tired of constantly pulling muscles when I work my aging body out. I'm tired of seeing the accumulated marks of life on that aging body. And I'm tired of forgetting what I meant to say two seconds after I started saying it.

Some days I find myself acknowledging that, no matter what I do, 40 is coming. On that day I will have lifted weights and engaged in some kind of cardio 3+ times a week for 22 years. I will have scrutinized my meals and said "No" to a seemingly endless supply of artery-clogging foods and decadent desserts for 28 years. Can I keep it up another 20-something years? And does it matter? I'm still getting older. Nothing I do can stop that from happening. Nothing I have done prevented me from getting sick and having that show up on my body, too. Am I also missing out? It's a lot to wrap my battered head around.

So I don't. I don't think about it. I just do it. I go to the gym. I eat like I am supposed to. I know that my secret tryst with the gym will grow ardent again. I know that my desire to be healthy and live a long life—and, yes, to wear the clothes I most love to wear—will eventually vanquish the demons whispering about the bakery I pass every morning on the way to work. Until that time, I will rely on muscle memory. I will work out and eat like I have for the better part of my life. I may not be able to remember what I was saying these days, or where I left my car keys, or what I needed that made me climb the stairs to my bedroom—my brain is nearing 40 whether I like it or not—but my body knows what to do at the gym, and my hands know what to make to feed it. So that is what I will do, until the motivation returns. Because I'd rather not come out of this funk to find that I have the desire but have let myself go, and now I have to climb that mountain once again.

[Petite Powerhouse]

Honestly, it has always been this way for me. Motivation never puts me on the right path. It comes later. I just have to say, "I am doing this, and that is it!" I have to put that candy bar back in the candy box at work. I have to literally talk myself down from eating it. And I have to talk myself into working out. If I do this enough days in a row, then my motivation stirs and stretches its wings. It is never, ever the other way around.

[toastedsmoke]

That was really awesomely put Petite Powerhouse!!! Thanks for that. I'm definitely copying that and saving it where I can read it during the tough times. Thank you so much!