Awhile back, I posted a very honest, emotional personal experience that I had with my now ex-boyfriend. I left him one year ago this month. I found out some very disturbing things that he did while we were living together and the anger that I carried around for so long kept me from completely healing and moving on. When I caught him cheating, he somehow turned it into my fault because I had gained some weight while we were together (so did he) and that he felt he deserved a supermodel and that was why he cheated. He had no car at this time so I was picking him up from work, driving him around, and he was cheating on me instead of appreciating that he had someone who would do anything for him.
So for the longest time, I was pissed at him and wanted to really hurt him somehow. Along with that, my self-esteem was the lowest it has ever been. I would beat myself up with thoughts that I was only good enough for someone to use when they needed but not good enough for love. The next day i would be angry and wish that I was there to see if when he got what was coming to him (karma
) I have been on a comfort food binge for months and have hit my highest weight ever.
So I was having a really bad weekend (this is the month of our breakup a year ago) and decided to do something a little dumb. I had broken all connection with him and haven't spoken to him/seen him, etc in a year so I guess I was curious to see if someone had taken his sorry a** off the market. So in a moment of weakness/stupidity/poor me self pity, I found a website that I knew he visited in the past and found his ad (no picture) but a sixth sense told me it was him. I sent a reply from an email that he would not recognize and he was responded from a familiar email containing his full name.
Apparently, he has a girlfriend now but he wants to make other friends to communicate with while he is at work and get to know. Girl friends only, not guy friends.
For months, I had it in my head that something was wrong with me that would drive a guy to cheat and look for someone else. Now, I truly realize that he is the one with the real issues. I had to see that he would do it to someone else before it really clicked in my head.
The lesson that I have really learned is that you can't make yourself crazy and blame yourself for someone else's actions. People will do things to hurt you but you shouldn't doubt your self worth because of the actions of others. Maybe the problem isn't you.....maybe the other person has issues that they need to work out.
It really wasn't me...It was HIM!! Now, I might finally be able to forgive him and myself and move on to the next chapter.