View Single Post
Old 02-21-2012, 05:28 AM   #5
astrophe's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,855

Height: 5'8"


And exactly how would mom know how far in advance you did the courthouse thing before the church thing if you just don't tell her? She's across the country!

If doing it this way make it possible for you guys to do the church thing in September more calmly -- why not? It is your union and it is your business. It's between you guys and your state for city hall, and you guys and your faith for the church thing. You could talk your plans over with your minister person. (Or priest, or rabbi -- whichever.)

My parents were city halled the month before they were churched.

DH and I were changing faiths but hadn't quite settled in. I just didn't much care for a big catholic wedding and he didn't want a baptist one but we weren't yet settled with our spiritual home. I was having health issues and the sooner we were married so I could have health insurance coverage again the better. We bumped it up a few months both for that, and so that my sister come to city hall since she was already home for summer. Later she'd be away at college and it would mean a special trip back if she wanted to come. So we were city halled and had a small dinner party to celebrate. Then 8 years later when we were settled at a UU church we had the minister officiate and renew our vows for our anniversary. We are content.

My sister was simply city halled. They have not found their church home yet. They are content.

It isn't like any of us are any LESS married even though we haven't all done it the same!

In the end, it is still YOUR union.

Parents are going to have to learn that they are now extended relatives -- the previous family of origin. Your new immediate family is now your spouse-to-be and if/when you have them, your children. Not them any more.

IME? Even after we were married there was a parental tug-of-war to accept they no longer were immediate family. How we celebrated holidays and with who for instance. How often we visit on non-holiday times. Which family of origin's customs would carry on for the kid's bdays? Or would we be making new ones of our own? How is it we raise the kid?

My mom and his dad were more easy going in the sense of "It's your life. Do it however you want." It was my MIL and my Dad who were miffed about this or that being different. They had a harder struggle to accept their new roles.

Even my mom, who was supportive of our marriage had a hard time with first grandchild because she kinda wanted to take over and she exclaimed "I have to tend the baby! I'm the mother!" and I had to firmly say "Ok, then YOUR baby is ME, and I'm telling you to let me have my kid so I can nurse her dammit! Support your OWN baby so I can tend to mine, grandma!" She laughed at herself, but she really did have a hard time rethinking herself as "the grandma" at first because for decades she always reacted as "the mom."

Your parents are going to go through that transition too -- where they back off and let you be adult son and daughter. Emphasis on ADULT. You will always be the son and daughter but you are not CHILDREN any more.

Started Jan 2016:

Last edited by astrophe; 02-21-2012 at 05:55 AM.
astrophe is offline   Reply With Quote