Thank you all for your insight, advice, ideas and empathy...
I realized reading through these responses that I wasn't afraid of an occasional lapse or treat - I have those and I just build it into my plan. I think I was feeling leftover feelings from my childhood re: my family, food and control. I grew up a chubby kid and was on diets from the time I was little, told all the things I wasn't allowed to eat but that my brothers were...
I stayed on plan last night but it was a challenge. It was supposed to be a birthday dinner for me, but my super health conscious and very aware of my plan parents made mostly things I couldn't eat - right down to a "healthy" option of a cheesy eggplant lasagna when I am (and have always been) allergic to eggplant! And when I didn't eat the brisket that was in a heavy barbecue sauce, my mother asked why and I explained that the sauce was heavy and sugary and would be too carby for me and she started to tell me that the sauce was a no sugar sauce and my father had to stop her and tell me the truth that it wasn't...
The sad part is that I'm in my 40's, and I never fail to feel anxious about it and hurt by it...
Foodwise there was enough there to stay on plan - I ate some shrimp, had a couple of small meatballs, some salmon and some grilled vegetables, avoiding the bread, chips, chopped liver, ribs, brisket, oily salads, etc... It would have been so much easier if the salmon wasn't in oil, the salad wasn't dressed, etc, which is why I think I'm much more comfortable in a restaurant where I can ask for what I want the way I want it that having to eat things I don't want to and put on a grateful face... Don't get me wrong - on one hand I am grateful that they made a beautiful birthday dinner for me - but on the other it was laden with foods they know I can't eat!
By the time they brought out the red velvet cake for dessert I was ready to scream
I had a taste and tried to be inobtrusive and play with kids so nobody would notice I wasn't eating it... I have been making a low carb no sugar cheesecake so I went home and had a piece...
Meanwhile, I stayed on plan, had done an extra exercise class in preparation and this morning - up half a lb
Never fails! Tonight I'm going to a restaurant with my husband and already scoped out the menu and know what I'm going to order...
Sorry to be so long-winded and childish in my venting...