I've only been on here a few days but I think it's time to admit to myself and to others why I'm finally really motivated to lose weight. Which should be good right?....but I feel like it's because an "unhealthy" reason.
DONT get me wrong, I of course want to drop the pounds because I want to feel healthier and look/feel better about myself and I've been having some knee pain and I'm only 22! I'm not obese, I'm only about 160 and 5'5" which is considered "overweight" but I'd like to get down to 125-130 which is a healthy weight for my height.
So here is the deal, I've never hated my body, yea I've disliked it but not hate. My boyfriend of 3 years had always told me I was the only girl who could get him sexually aroused and at first it was hard to believe knowing I was chunkier than what society thinks is sexy but over time it felt flattering. Well there has now been 3 "incidents" last year were I've found porn in his laptop/phone, o have no problem with porn but...didn't he say I was the only girl that could get him hot? To say the least I was devastated, I cant believe that statement anymore cause he's obviously been looking at that for months (he had not when we started dating) so did his mind set change? Did he realize "skinny" girls are hot OR was he lying all along? If asked him this amd he has never really answered. After the last incident which was a few days before thanksgiving I thought to myself "well that's what he's into....I guess I will use that as my motivation this time to lose weight"
And now that's my problem, I don't want to use that as motivation....I know i can't go from what I am now to a porn star body. But everytime I reach for that cookie or think about that drive thru the images of him and porn and my body come to mid and I stop. I know this is unhealthy. I'm NOT doing this to get the body to please him, I know I'm doing this for myself. But I want to get rid of this sick twisted "motivation" I have.
Any support or advice will be definately appreciated
I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself why yourself esteem relies on his actions or what he says. He does not define your happiness or confidence. Also, you can not compare yourself to porn stars. Their job is to be an unattainable fantasy for men. If you want to get healthy do it for you not for what you *think* his ideal woman weighs.
Also, men say things sometimes if they think it will make women feel better. He is obviously attracted to you, he is dating you after all. Porn is a release for some and an addition for others. I've kind of been where you are. I dated a guy who looked at porn too much until I broke up with him. Your bf probably told you he hadn't to make you feel better.
I understand, its happened to me before ( Although its not my motivation to lose weight)
Its never really been far from my mind the comparing and the sicking feeling when i found it as to me my relationship / sex life was perfect. was years ago now but its never left me. even tho he claimed it was out ov bordam??? which i can accept as men really are one dimensional creature.s
Was the finding it for me ...........why would anyone one in a relationship want to hide it? thats what i couldnt get my head round and of course reflected on feelings about myself and the way i looked. So totally understand the way your feeling it was an emotionally tough time for me. It was a one off and its not something that effects us now....so you need to find out if it was a one off or hes doing it all the time.....which wud seem he may have a little problem and if he doesnt sort it it will get between you , if your not comftable with it tell him, let him know he cant have the best of both worlds lol
Unfortunatly this day in age you just cant seem to get away from it , its everywhere , you just have to focus on your self and gain self confidence and self worth , thats more attractive to any man other than getting ya bits out HTH **HUGS**
Gosh, his use of porn has nothing to do with you. Some men just like to look. If you want to know why he looks at it, ask him.
Trying to please someone else or fit what you think are their ideas isn't really the best motivation, as you already know. What if you lose all your weight and he still looks at porn?
But you also might just stay off his laptop and phone. Does he know you were looking around and found the porn, or haven't you said anything? Are you being sneaky about it?
You need to be the most important thing in your life, not him. Focus on yourself. He may not be the last boyfriend you ever have.
For what it's worth, I think it's unrealistic to expect that a guy will only be attracted to ONE person or thing. For my part, I have no problem with the idea that my husband may find other women sexually attractive -- I suppose I take it as a given, and I also believe that our relationship is based on a lot more than sex. Maybe it's because I'm 55 and my self-esteem has very little to do with my sexual attractiveness at this point (though I do consider myself attractive)...
In your shoes I would try to put it aside unless his porn use is compulsive and/or interferes with your relationship.
The discussion of why he looks at porn, what it does for him and how it makes YOU feel is one for you to have with him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Misa66
I cant believe that statement anymore cause he's obviously been looking at that for months (he had not when we started dating) so did his mind set change? Did he realize "skinny" girls are hot OR was he lying all along?
(
This is not an either or. Most men have a very wide range of what they consider hot and it really starts with naked. "Did he realize NAKED girls are hot" is probably a better phrasing and I am guessing he was aware of that before he met you .
Doesn't mean he was lying either. Despite the male talent of entertaining themselves endlessly with photographs, men ARE capable of feeling the love/chemistry connection as well. You are more than your body. THAT is hot.
Bottom line is if the body IS all that matters, then he is not worthy of you.
After the last incident which was a few days before thanksgiving I thought to myself "well that's what he's into....I guess I will use that as my motivation this time to lose weight"
And now that's my problem, I don't want to use that as motivation....I know i can't go from what I am now to a porn star body. But everytime I reach for that cookie or think about that drive thru the images of him and porn and my body come to mid and I stop. I know this is unhealthy. I'm NOT doing this to get the body to please him, I know I'm doing this for myself. But I want to get rid of this sick twisted "motivation" I have.
Ok, first of all, this is NOT a "sick twisted motivation" - any motivation you deem necessary is motivation enough. You know you want/need to lose weight. Who CARES where the motivation comes from?
2ndly, it sounds to me like you have some pretty straight forward self-esteem issues. I would suggest you learn to deal with that, or you'll forever be comparing yourself to others and never learn to be happy with yourself. That's no way to live your life.
And third... may I just say... Men are visual creatures.
Your bf looking at porn does not mean he doesn't love/desire you. It doesn't mean he was "lying" that you're the only girl who can "get him hot". Most men hide their porn habits because most women (seemingly) find it disgusting or view it as a threat, as you seem to have perceived it. I guarantee you if there was a chick in a porn flick that had your exact body measurements & weight & she was gett'n her nasty on, he'd watch it.
Men like all sorts of things: sports, video games, arts, music, politics, etc. Porn may or may not be your thing, but it's out there, & easier to access more than ever, thanks to the "interwebs". I surmise about 98% of the male population has a porn habit on some basic level, if not even a fetish for it. Some like magazines. Some like flicks. Some use the web, or a phone (yes, phone sex) and some go for all of it. Some like lite porn, some like heavy porn, and some get very addicted to it.
Whatever your bf's porn habit is, don't let that be your bane of existence. You can use it as "motivation to lose weight" if you want to - it's no different than using Jillian Michaels or any one of thousands of models in magazines or runways. It doesn't make you sick or twisted. But it might be a horrible worm in your head if you let it dictate what you think/feel about yourself.
Bottom line? DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS. We're all different in many different ways. Embrace yourself; embrace your differences. Accepting yourself is the first step to loving yourself, and you must love yourself in order to take care of yourself & be healthy. FOR YOU.
Last edited by Beach Patrol; 01-25-2012 at 10:31 AM.
I surmise about 98% of the male population has a porn habit on some basic level.
This.
And it has nothing to do with how beautiful you are, or how attracted he is to you. It doesn't reflect his preference for a certain body type or anything like that.
I worked in one of those sex stores selling all sorts of toys/magazines/movies to all sorts of people of all genders. It goes all the way across the board. And it's normal.
There may be men who don't look at porn, but I've never met one. It has about as much to do with you as when you look at some movie star or other celebrity crush has to do with him. As long as he's not doing it to the exclusion of all other things or cannot orgasm any other way it's pretty normal.
Well there has now been 3 "incidents" last year were I've found porn in his laptop/phone, o have no problem with porn but...didn't he say I was the only girl that could get him hot? To say the least I was devastated, I cant believe that statement anymore cause he's obviously been looking at that for months (he had not when we started dating) so did his mind set change? Did he realize "skinny" girls are hot OR was he lying all along?
You say you are ok with porn, then later you are devastated. Where the devastation coming from? Is it the porn or is it not knowing that he was looking porn? Why was it an "incident?"
Then you jump from looking at porn to lying to you about your looks. Can't it be both? He likes to look at porn, AND you are the only real person who turns him on? (Because porn is not a real person to have a relationship with. And there's a lot of photoshopping. That's not real.)
Is the root of the problem trusting? Why are you on his phone and computer?
Or is it your body image?
Then the motivation -- why are you competing with paper mags or digital images? Where's the perceived threat?
Is there several things going at once?
I guess what I'm trying to say (rather badly) is sit down and sort out your feelings and layers first. Then sit down and talk to your BF about these things and try to see where you are both coming from and what you can do about it together so both of you are feeling good in the relationship.
Men are crazy LOL. But yeah they all look at it. I think what he meant is that you're the apple of his eye, and the only one he wants to be truely intimate with.
If the porn thing bothers you that he's hiding it or whatnot..suggest it as a together activity. I watch with my BF and he loves that we do it together. (My male coworkers agree they wished their gf or wives would watch with them)
But again, we all have a tendancy to look and see attractive people. Doesn't mean we want them
Porn actresses and real-life girlfriends are not in the same category. You can't expect no one except you will ever give him a boner - but as long as he's being faithful to you and doesn't require porn to be on in the background when you're getting it on, I see no issue.
I understand the feeling of "god I'm gross compared to XX porn starlet" all too well though. Sometimes stupid thoughts like "why would anyone find me attractive if I don't have washboard abs and a perfectly waxed xxxxxx?" enter my brain, but I've gotten pretty good at stamping them out.
It's good that you recognize the fact that this is not a 'healthy' motivation for you to lose weight. I think I would step back and try to adjust your thinking about porn... dont' put so much stock in it. I don't think you should feel so threatened by it.
An Unhealthy reason to lose weight...
HTH **HUGS**
