The vent thread - husband problem - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

Samantha1776 · 10-07-2011, 04:07 AM

I am damn lucky and have worked very hard for what I have. I have two bachelors degrees, a home, job and freshly married. I have all the trapping of an adult who has it together (my wieght be damned).

So my wedding night. I had waited. We married. Wedding didn't not go well at all. Various dramas. I had six weeks to plan, people were expecting me to solve too many of their problems. New husband was useless. Left writing his vows down to literaly minutes before we traveled to the ceremony location. My prep was cut short as I was getting ready at out new house, and they all came to see the new property. I had to put my make up down to take care of it as his scribbled down his vows. Not cool.

On our wedding night he used insulting dirty language which hurt really hurt my feelings.

I tell him I need to bring it up so I can talk about it. He doesn't do this for over two months. When I remind him about what he had in fact agreed to do, bring it up so I can share my feelings without have to break the ice. Doesn't do it.

I have an absolute hissy fit at him one night, tell him that I can't believe he can't do simple things. I hadn't asked for the earth, quite the minimum really.

There are other things, general husband dumbness I suppose. Letting his share of the chores pile up and then whining for my help. Leaving chores so long that it makes me spaz. Whining about things, like me putting BBQ sauce one his plate. All I could think at the time was 'really, you still haven't made up for calling me a slut, and you are griping about sauce on a plate!!!!'

He has forgotten annivesaries, then said he thought that celebrating them a couple days afterwards would be fine.

Help! Am I out of line?

bargoo · 10-07-2011, 08:13 AM

I think you are much calmer than I would be. If my brand new husband called me a slut and a *****on our wedding night I would be inclined to get out of bed , put on my clothes and get out of there. I know this was a fantasy on his part and apparently "turned him on" but it is an insult, for sure. Couples counseling is called for in your case but I doubt if your husband would go for that. He sounds very immature. If he won't go to counseling maybe you should go it may make you understand him better and give you the skills to cope with your husband.

4xcharm · 10-07-2011, 08:39 AM

Of all the husbands I know, most are what I would consider immature compared to the wives. But not to the degree of your husband. I don't think I would like him. My advice to you is to be sure you don't become unexpectedly pregnant. Sorry.

ERHR · 10-07-2011, 10:07 AM

My question is whether his behavior is in line with how he treated you before you were married. I get that you didn't have sex before but was he respectful to you outside the bedroom? How was his living situation - did he keep up with his chores? Basically, is his behavior now a little worse than it was when you were dating/engaged or is this a radical change?

It just sounds like you guys are having major communication problems. Why didn't you bring up the names he called you - why were you waiting for him to? Did you two together agree on the household chore divisions or did you just have unspoken expectations of him that erupted in your hissy fit?

I say get yourselves to couples counseling stat so that you can work on your communication and expectations, especially if this was a sudden behavior change for him. Did you do any premarital counseling or are you part of a community that can support your marriage in this way? I'm also going to venture a guess that your husband watches violent/degrading pornography which may have given him totally unrealistic expectations about sex. If you want that to stop, I bet he's going to need some kind of counseling/support group to help with that (if you can get him to agree).

fullhearts · 10-07-2011, 04:23 PM

I know you said you had six weeks to plan your wedding, but how long were you guys together in total before you got married?

Samantha1776 · 10-07-2011, 04:44 PM

Dating 4.5 years. Started dating at 19. We had known each other since I was 12 and he was 13. I didn't rush! Promise!

This is a change, prior to marrying he was extremely respectful of me. Really.This is new, hence why I am lost on this one. I wouldn't want to own up to this one with my friends. So here I am.

Oh, we havn't been doing anything. No worries of children. They are very cute for other people, but they don't fit with my career goals. The lone two times we did,*ahem* I was on birth control and his used a condom. I could be a poster person for safe sex.

midwife · 10-07-2011, 04:54 PM

I agree you guys need counseling.

bargoo · 10-07-2011, 05:01 PM

It is unusual to date 4.5 years and be married and only have sex twice. Something is wrong somewhere. I wouldn't put off counseling if I were you. This a very odd situation. Does he need "dirty words" to get excited ?
I would at least see a doctor about this.

Sunshine73 · 10-07-2011, 05:12 PM

I agree with the therapy advice. It seems like you are having some serious communication issues that you aren't able to address yourselves.

If he won't go to therapy with you then you can try discussing it on your own but remember that communication has to work both ways. Maybe he's embarrassed about the fact that he used that language and it upset you? Maybe he didn't realize that it would be offensive to you? (I don't know his sexual experience so who knows what he thinks might or might not be normal). Maybe he's someone who likes to "talk dirty" and you getting upset about it confused and embarrassed him?

I'm not blaming you by a long shot but have you really tried talking about with him - openly and non-judgmentally? I know there are things that my husband *ahem* likes that I'm not really crazy about - we discuss it - I understand that it's something he 'likes' but he respects that it's outside of my comfort zone. Neither of us is weird or wrong - we're just different.

Some of the stuff you complain about is, in my experience, normal husband stuff. The chores are a big one for us - my hubs just isn't ever going to need the house as clean as I do. It drives me absolutely nuts and we talk about it until we're blue in the face. He tries to do better, I try to be more understanding of the fact that a clean house is never going to top his list of priorities.

Marriage is a constant learning curve that requires a TON of communication, forgiveness and understanding. You might just need some help getting on that path and opening the lines of communication.

XLMuffnTop · 10-07-2011, 05:22 PM

If I'm following the timeline properly, it's been two months (or more) since you got married and the night he used language you find offensive.

I quite agree with Bargoo that is highly unusual and raises a huge red flag to me. The only time I went that long in between was after child birth or a huge agonizingly painful issue that ended up needing surgery.

Chores and stuff are just an ongoing battle. I'm not a great housekeeper myself but sometimes the clutter (oh the clutter!!!) drives me bonkers. But the lack of sex between you and your husband really throws me for a loop. I assume the first time you had sex was your wedding night where he used the language. How did he act the second time?

Samantha1776 · 10-07-2011, 05:59 PM

It didn't go well. I won't get descriptive. No name calling, but he again let his mouth get him into trouble.

EagleRiverDee · 10-07-2011, 06:12 PM

I agree with some of the others that it sounds like your husband has some issues with sex that might have come from viewing pornography and thinking that stuff is normal. I think I would tell him in no uncertain terms that lovemaking needs to be just that, and not disrespectful. It's concerning that you have only had sex twice, though, as usually that points to a broader lack of intimacy.

I agree with the others that counseling seems in order.

midwife · 10-07-2011, 07:06 PM

It could also be that he is embarrassed by his behavior and doesn't really know what to do that would make you happy and satisfied. I think there is a lot of pressure on guys, especially when you are trying to get your intimate life started. He might be a little gun shy and doesn't know what to do to try to get it right.

Don't be shy. Tell him exactly what you want from him in this arena. Also, talk about it, but in a way that really protects both your dignity and feelings and his dignity and feelings. You guys are best friends, right? I hope....

nelie · 10-07-2011, 07:33 PM

Definitely counseling. I also agree that he is getting his direction from porn and probably doesn't know better. I used to think you had to have sex under covers because that is all I saw on tv/movies.

Skittlez · 10-07-2011, 09:15 PM

Totally agree with the counseling thing. Either way you guys need to talk. Marriages, and relationships, are full of problems. Even in the most smooth-sailing marriage ever problems come up. You guys need to be able to talk about them, maybe he's embarassed about how it went down and doesn't know how to talk about it. You should bring it up! Try to make it a discussion not a fight though, I know he used hurtful language but yelling at him will just make him go on the defensive. Good luck, hope it works out for you.