I just need to get this off my chest. I'm 38, my best friend (also a woman) is 36. We've been best friends for about 3 years. We live in different cities but up until the last few weeks we had been quite close- emailing, chatting, IM'ing, or talking on the phone almost every day.
About six weeks ago she met a guy online. They haven't met in person, but she really likes him and they plan to meet soon.
About 4 weeks ago she left her job to go back to school.
I get that these are MAJOR game changers for her life. I completely get that. I have tried to be 100% supportive, sympathetic (when she needed it), and I always ask her how things are going. I'm interested in her life. I value her as a friend.
About the time she left her job, she started communicating less and less with me. About two weeks ago, she virtually stopped. In the last week, she has not returned my emails or had any other contact with me.
I know she's okay, because I see on Facebook that she's talking to other people, that's she's excited that Vampire Diaries is back on tv, that she misses having a paycheck but is happy about the shorter days and longer weekends. I see she is playing online games for hours at a time and posting about it on Facebook.
That, to me, implies that she has free time-- and that she is blowing me off.
And I cannot figure out WHY. We didn't have a fight. I didn't say anything insensitive. I'm not only talking about me- I ask her about her boyfriend and school and family often. I listen to what she says.
I am literally just blown away by this change in our relationship, and I truly am baffled...and hurt.
I'm afraid to confront her directly about it because I don't want to make her defensive and angry. I have continued to send her emails giving her little updates on what's going on with me and asking how things are going with her, but she's not answering them. I saw her come online on Skype chat yesterday and then she left...or went invisible.
I'm not a kid. I've had friendships end before, but always before I understood why. And it's not like I have so many friends that I won't notice one gone. I actually have many acquaintances but very few people I actually call friends. And only one person I call my best friend. And now she's just cut me off.
I guess I just needed to vent. I'm pretty hurt by this.
Sorry this has happened. I would consider that the ball is in her court, now. You have continued to stay in touch with no response, as much as it hurts I would leave her alone for now and see if she will get back to you.
I am sorry this happened to you too. Many people do not like confrontation and prefer the ignorance method...sometimes, people outgrow one another and it is time to move on. Some people have tact and wish the best for you and others ignore us or change their number because they don't want to cause an uncomfortable scene or hurt the other person further. I would go on with my life, and if she doesn't come back...then the relationship ran its course. It happens to everyone. Good luck and take care of yourself.
It sucks to have friendship troubles, especially when you don't know what the trouble is.
It sounds like you two have been close enough that you could ask her if there is a problem, not in a confrontational kind of way though. Would you be able to ask something like "It seems like we haven't been in touch much lately and I wondered if there was something I said, or did, that offended you? Just want to be sure things are ok with us 'cause I miss you ." Either you'll get an answer or you won't. And if you don't then maybe she just isn't being such a great friend. Hope things work out.
It sucks to have friendship troubles, especially when you don't know what the trouble is.
It sounds like you two have been close enough that you could ask her if there is a problem, not in a confrontational kind of way though. Would you be able to ask something like "It seems like we haven't been in touch much lately and I wondered if there was something I said, or did, that offended you? Just want to be sure things are ok with us 'cause I miss you ." Either you'll get an answer or you won't. And if you don't then maybe she just isn't being such a great friend. Hope things work out.
I have done that, nearly using the same words you suggested. I got a reassuring "No, absolutely nothing is wrong" response...and then she stopped talking to me again. That was a couple weeks ago.
Which is why if I was going to have a conversation now, I would probably choose to be more direct and simply lay it out much like I did here in my first post. But I know that is nearly guaranteed to cause her to be defensive.
I don't much like my options right now as it seems like saying something will make her mad, and not saying anything will probably just result in the continued death of our friendship.
I hear what other people are saying about how sometimes friendships just run their course- I do agree with that- but didn't feel like our friendship had done this. I mean, the change is drastic and very sudden. It didn't happen slowly over a period of time. It's more in line with what would happen if you had a big fight or something- but we didn't.
I have done that, nearly using the same words you suggested. I got a reassuring "No, absolutely nothing is wrong" response...and then she stopped talking to me again. That was a couple weeks ago.
Which is why if I was going to have a conversation now, I would probably choose to be more direct and simply lay it out much like I did here in my first post. But I know that is nearly guaranteed to cause her to be defensive.
I don't much like my options right now as it seems like saying something will make her mad, and not saying anything will probably just result in the continued death of our friendship.
I hear what other people are saying about how sometimes friendships just run their course- I do agree with that- but didn't feel like our friendship had done this. I mean, the change is drastic and very sudden. It didn't happen slowly over a period of time. It's more in line with what would happen if you had a big fight or something- but we didn't.
Sounds like you are at a crossroads with her. Do you think this new guy has become her new "best friend" and she's sort of infatuated with him at the moment? I have a friend that needs me only when she's single. Just a thought.
I guess having it out with her will either make it better or worse, and if it's not great now then maybe there's nothing to lose.
EagleRiverDee: I feel for you. I know what it's like having few friends. I never had many in high school, and when I moved down to the Coast to work, I've made even less. A few of the girls at work I'm close with, but we don't hang out (they're way older). I don't have a "friend" to hang out with apart from my dog. Last year, while one girl at work was on her maternity leave, we got this replacement for her. I'll call her Andra. We were connected at the hip. Two totally different people: she's a vegetarian, I'm not, she weighs about 100 lbs soaking wet, I'm over twice her weight, she's redhead, I'm brunette, she's very sensitive and gentle, I'm not (lol). But we really hit it off. She routinely came out to meet my puppy when mom brought her to work, when mom made cream of potato and ham soup, she made a batch without the meat in it for Andra, I gave her rides home, we would talk for HOURS at work, wasting huge chunks of time then we'd laugh as we struggled to catch up. We heated our lunches up together, walked to the cafe together.
And then January 23 it just stopped. From January 23 to 26 I asked her if she wanted to heat lunch up with me. Every time she said no. I'd ask if she wanted to go to Tim Hortons, she'd say no - but then go as soon as I got back from getting a drink from there. I may be slow sometimes, but I got the hint after 3 days of being rejected and being ignored. Since January 26 she hasn't spoken ONE WORD to me since. Not one. I've even ASKED her questions, directly, regarding work, and she will ignore them.
At first, I was upset. I thought: Could I have said anything that would have upset her? But there was nothing I could think of. I thought, maybe all I did was talk about me (which is a bit of a bad habit of mine) but no, I remember consciously being aware to not always have the discussion on me; we talked about her family, her boyfriend, etc. I remembered to ask how her dad was after his cystoscopy. So that couldn't have been it. Nothing I could think of made sense and she certainly wasn't going to tell me.
Then I became angry. How DARE she just drop me like that? It's one thing if we didn't have to see each other anymore, but I still see her almost daily. How could she just drop a friend, for no reason, like that? I called her all sorts of names in my head.
And now? Meh. I just don't care about her. She's two-faced and I can't stand two-faced people so I ignore her, flat out. She'll say "bye" to everyone as she leaves for the night, as she's walking by my desk, and I'll not say a word. If it's just me there (like on Sundays) when she leaves, she won't even bother to say "bye" and not because she knows I won't respond; she stopped saying "bye" back in January before I caught on that I'd been dumped.
In your situation, if the friendship really can't be saved, then it can't. I know it hurts and it's frustrating to not know WHY it's died. But sometimes it's better for everyone involved to move on. You've attempted to contact her - the ball is in her court. She knows you want to remain friends, it's up to her to decide if SHE wants to. If you're still bugged about it - I'd delete her from Facebook (I did with Andra) and Skype. She might notice and it might shock her into thinking "Wait, what?" and she might contact you. If she doesn't, then you'll at least know.
Sometimes, friendships die and you don't know why. They either just fade away, or like here, they dump you. It might be the combination of so much going on in her life that she's reorganized what she feels are priorities to her, and you don't fit in (as cruel as that sounds). In the end, it's not something you can do anything about. You've tried, now let her decide what to do with the ball.
Have you tried looking on CL for platonic friends? I found one friend there a few years ago - but we drifted apart over a year or two (both of us are really busy and whatnot).
Your story seems similar to mine, except I don't work with my friend. And it's just as baffling. The only other thing I could possibly come up with that I might have done that offended her is that I started doing P90X exercise program and I talk about occasionally and I said if you want to see what I'm doing here's a link. That's not unusual for us to share links so that the other person has a decent idea of what the other person is talking about, right? But she did get kind of irritable and said she had no interest in doing P90X. I said, "I wasn't trying to get you to do it. I just thought maybe you would want to know what I was doing, since I talk about it." And then I dropped it and never brought it up again.
So I wondered if maybe she thought I was saying she needed to exercise...but I wasn't. It never even entered my mind.
Oh I forgot one major thing. My Grandpa died just over a week ago. I posted it on Facebook and she did comment that she was sorry. The next day was the last time we "talked" (it was an IM session) and she didn't even ask me about how I was doing or how my mom was doing. She just talked about school. I remember thinking, that was kind of insensitive and not like her.
I don't know.
I might try your CL idea. I only had 2 women friends and both of them seem to have dumped me this year. The first one is just par for the course for her- she gets into her boyfriend and ignores me until they break up and then she is around all the time because she can't stand to be alone. I guess it's possible that my best friend has replaced me with her new boyfriend, but I see she is still talking to other women friends on Facebook but not me, and I just am so confused.
I appreciate the responses, it does help at least to vent it out.
Last edited by EagleRiverDee; 09-22-2011 at 03:50 PM.
I say you've done all you can, and I'd personally cut ties. It sucks when people you care about just walk away for whatever reason but it happens. *Hugs* when she's ready she'll come to you, and if she doesn't she wasn't a true friend to being with...
I'm not excusing her behavior, but when I played online FB games for hours at a time, it was because I was depressed and was looking for a way to escape. It was the only thing that I had energy for; everything else was too overwhelming to contemplate.
I've got to agree with what Zeitgeist just posted. I started a new job this year that I hate, and have been quite depressed because of it. I will spend hour upon hour doing mindless things on Facebook, and I KNOW I've been neglecting my friends unintentionally, I just haven't been able to find my way back yet. I think about it daily, how I need to respond to this or that, and feel guilty each time I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow :/
Is it possible for you to ask her if this is the case without going into detail as to what/why? This can alleviate the defensiveness. If she doesn't respond, chances are that yes, the relationship has taken a turn.
Have I been friend-dumped?
." Either you'll get an answer or you won't. And if you don't then maybe she just isn't being such a great friend. Hope things work out. 
.
