How would you handle a person who wants to be friends but you don't?
I could put this under the "things that annoy you" thread.
There is a woman I briefly worked with 2 years ago who has come back (unwanted) into my life.
I'll start from recent to past.
Last night, at midnight, she sent me 7 text messages in 15 minutes. I go to bed early because I wake up at 4:30 every other day for work. I tried to shut off my phone, but it was being quirky and even with the sound off, the darned thing buzzed when she texted. I didn't reply to any of them.
Why? Because she was asking if I wanted to be her friend. I don't. But I don't know how to tell her and writing that I was sleeping just seemed rude after a question like that. I'll just text her this morning that I didn't get the texts till this morning.
Why don't I wanna be her friend? Honestly, I think she's nuts.
Two years ago, I thought she was nuts. I was happy when she quit her job.
Recently, she got divorced (H was a narcissistic, abusive adulterer) and it put her over the edge. She's in therapy, on meds, etc. I know this, because when she came back into my life, it was clear to me she needed more help than just a friend and I urged her to get pro help.
So I helped a woman in need. That doesn't mean she's my friend.
We really have nothing in common but our sons are friends. Everything else about her personality (forget about the nutty stuff) not only do I not like in a person, but I could fill the "things that annoy you" thread up with things that she does.
So, knowing she's so fragile, how do I handle keeping my distance from her without hurting her?
That level of texting sounds like she could be a potential stalker. I'd get advice from stalking organisations, to be honest. Worry about your own safety, not hers. If she's so fragile that she can't cope with being told you're not interested, then she won't be coping with anything else either and your rejection will not be the one thing pushing her over the edge.
I would ask her not to be texting me in the middle of the night as you need to get up early, after that I would ignore her if she persists I would do as astrophe suggested.
Treat people the way you would want to be treated...is what I live by. I would NOT do anything that I did not WANT to do. Be honest. I think too many people forget the VALUE OF HONESTY. That doesn't mean that you have to be mean, but you can tactfully choose your words while being forthright. Yes...the truth can hurt...but a LIE always hurts worse and runs much deeper.
I would much rather someone just tell me they didn't want to associate with me, rather than try to "appease" me out of some symthpatic feel good about yourself hand me down!
Hope this helps.
Last edited by joyfulloser; 06-22-2011 at 11:07 AM.
I've had a similar situation, except that I was the "annoying friend", and I would have much preferred the person I wanted to be friends with to come out and tell me how they honestly felt, instead of either a.) ignoring me, and hoping I would go away, or b.) Lying to me, and pretending to like me when they really didn't. Like joyfulloser said, don't be mean, but be upfront and be honest. You'll be helping her out in the long-run too, because I know from experience that it sucks putting so much effort into making a relationship when the other person wants nothing to do with it.
As I expected, the suggestions are everything I have considered and don't know which way to go.
My personality has always been to tell it like it is. In fact, I believe this part of my personality is appreciated only by a few and not by most. Perhaps it's my direct approach, but when I try to be subtle, it allows the other person to search for more clarity and in the end, I end up telling it just like it is whether it hurts or not!
I never considered the stalker possibility, but I suppose one never knows so I'll keep that in mind.
I think I'll text her this: I realize you work nights, but I work at 5:30 in the morning so I didn't read your texts until today. I know you're seeking a friendship and while I'm flattered that you seek me out for that, I'm sorry to say that my life is crazy with it's own full plate of issues and that I would not be able to be the supportive friend you seek. That doesn't mean we can't be friendLY, though. I wish you well and I'll see you around town.
What do you think? I'm not sending it without some input so I appreciate your honest thoughts.
I think I'll text her this: I realize you work nights, but I work at 5:30 in the morning so I didn't read your texts until today. I know you're seeking a friendship and while I'm flattered that you seek me out for that, I'm sorry to say that my life is crazy with it's own full plate of issues and that I would not be able to be the supportive friend you seek. That doesn't mean we can't be friendLY, though. I wish you well and I'll see you around town.
I don't think there's any way to say, "I don't want to be your friend," without hurting the other person. Rejection is never fun and really, all they are going to hear is, "I don't like you." And that's fine, it's your right not to want to pour all your emotional energy down a black pit of need. Prepare yourself for the aftermath, I'm guessing someone who texts you six times at midnight isn't going to take this without something to say. I think it's a good time to start preparing your, "I'm sorry you feel this way, my life is just very busy right now but I wish you the best" text and save it for repeated sendings.
*sigh* i can relate to the stalker-like attempts at friendship
DH and i ended a friendship with a woman whose behavior became increasingly bizarre....she was furious that we no longer wanted to be part of that friendship and called me non-stop for 45 MINUTES(!) leaving all sorts of angry voicemails...she then spent several days calling us and texting us, as well as sending us angry, swearing, long rambling messages through facebook...she spread alot of rumors around to mutual friends about us (luckily no one actually fell for those rumors and told her they didnt' believe her)....her behavior ranged from swearing facebook messages to calls to voicemail trying to apologize, then back to swearing at us and threatening to sue us (not that there was any reason to sue us lol)
that happened from last november through last january....she was blocked from DH's facebook and repeatedly told to drop contact with us...she still sends me facebook friend requests, which i just ignore, and also tried to friend my teenager the day after he got a facebook account (how did she know he did that?) .....she also logged onto facebook under other mutual friends' accounts to view our pages and other people's pages who had also broken off contact with her...because she kept a keystroke logger program on her home computer and had let various mutual friends log onto facebook at her home, then saved their passwords...she actually ADMITTED this to a mutual friend....weird(!)
when i went to walmart the other day, she was in the parking lot getting ready to leave...i ignored her and went shopping...she stayed in the parking lot and didn't leave until i got in my truck and left..she left before i did, just long enough to watch me get in my truck...creeeeepy
and yes, this is all documented....so the point is...BE CAREFUL with people like that and document everything...you never know if you'll need to use it
How would you handle a person who wants to be friends but you don't?
I would NOT do anything that I did not WANT to do. Be honest. I think too many people forget the VALUE OF HONESTY. That doesn't mean that you have to be mean, but you can tactfully choose your words while being forthright. Yes...the truth can hurt...but a LIE always hurts worse and runs much deeper. 
