[grneyedmustang]

So I'm facing a little dilemma...I feel like I should know how to deal with this by now but right now I'm struggling - so I guess I need a reminder.

I've been dealing with some personal issues and the past two months have been rough on me emotionally. As a result, I've been eating crap/not working out regularly and put on some weight (7 pounds between April and now). I've decided to get refocused because I am feeling better mentally, but here's my dilemma...

I've moved recently and am trying to make new friends. I have a few new friends who always want to go out. I want to go out with them, but there are times that I don't, because if I'm out at a bar/club, I am tempted to make bad choices. Lately I've been turning my friend down, because I feel like if I go out, I don't know how strong my willpower will be (especially where alcohol is concerned), and I feel 'safer' if I'm in the house.

What to do? I don't plan on being a recluse forever, but because I'm trying to make a new friend, I don't want her to think I'm a flake because I haven't been going out. I have also gotten to the point where I don't want to "advertise" that I'm trying to watch what I eat.

[luckymommy]

How about asking her to do something else together like go for a walk or out for coffee/tea? I used to make food the focus of my socializing, but not anymore. That's not going to be the case forever, I will eventually go out more for food-related socials, but when I feel more confident.

[CyndiM]

Sorry you've been going through such a tough time

I go out with friends and I order a glass of wine and a glass of seltzer with lime. I usually get several refills on the seltzer. I've always got a glass in hand and enjoy being out with friends but never reach the point of bad decisions. My friends do know that I always watch what I eat though sometimes I'll splurge on a cheese plate or something else not entirely "diety", but I've had the same friends from before I lost the weight so they do know it's just my thing. I am not willing to give up nights out with friends so have had to figure out how to make it work. The seltzer trick really helps me. Good luck!

[Snaplet]

I just got back from dinner out with my girlfriends and I know exactly what you mean. One thing I do is scope out the menu online ahead of time and decide what my 'main' choices will be. Then it's okay to have a nibble from a shared appetizer or maybe order a wine instead of unsweetened ice tea. Laughing is great exercise, and we are all happiest when we've got good solid friendships... Go out! Have fun :-) I also like luckymommy's suggestion - find out which new friends will do things like go to concerts or movies or other non-food and drink activities. Or pick an activity you'd like to do or try for the first time. Maybe you'll meet even more new friends making pottery or at the gym, or flying kites, or... (one of the best parts of life is you get to fill in the blanks! :-D

[zeffryn]

do you feel safe drinking anything? my husband and i go out to bars frequently with our friends and i used to go through the same thing you did -- especially after drinking, i wouldn't have any willpower when it came to eating.

now, when we go out, my limit is two glasses of wine or two light beers. once in a blue moon, i'll get a vodka. i nurse them like crazy and get a bottle of water between each one. I can usually get 5 hours in.

More often than not, it is just a matter of willpower. The more often you make good decisions -- especially when faced with difficult ones -- the easier they will be to make

Good luck!

[Mmckellen]

I'll echo that I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'd be cautious of developing friendships that center around going out to bars. It's fine to go to a bar, but if these new friends aren't open to having coffee or doing something that's not food/alcohol centered, they are probably not the kind of friendships you want to cultivate. Trust me on this one. I used to party hard and one day I woke up and realized without the bar I didn't have friends I could count on.

Are there any new potential friends who are into exercise? Maybe you could find a walking buddy, or join a hiking group or something like that.

[grneyedmustang]

Thanks for the hugs and the kind words of encouragement. They are greatly appreciated!

@ Luckymommy, I'll suggest those the next time she wants to go out, and see what kind of response I get. I don't know about the walking, she's mentioned many times how being out and about in 100 degree heat "isn't her thing". Coffee or tea though might work. I love people watching, so I'm good somewhere if I can sit on a patio and just look at the people go by.

@ Cyndi, I think I'm going to try the wine and seltzer and see if that helps me not feel like I'm "not participating".

@ Snaplet, I'm still trying to make other friends, so I'm hoping that I can find a friend or two who like to do other things besides hang out at bars. I do think too, that a part of me is getting older, and doesn't always want to do the lounge/bar/club scene.

@ Zeff, I like the "limits" idea as well. My willpower is tied to my emotional well being, and since I've been down in the dumps, I've had very little willpower. Since I'm getting back on track, I feel like my willpower should be stronger now. And I remember that someone posted recently about how willpower is like a muscle - the more you use it, the stronger it becomes. Going to definitely have to work on that one!

@Mmckellen, I probably should be a little more "sociable" when I'm at the gym. I'm usually so focused on my workout (and finishing it) that I rarely chat or even say hi to others at the gym. And I agree, I will see if my new found friends are open to activities other than the bar/club scene.

Thanks again for all your input and the hugs, I really appreciate it.





And off topic - Great job Mavs! (Hope there aren't any Miami fans out there. )

[JOLINA]

I used to order vodka and water on the rocks. Then I went to the ladies room and dumped the drink, and filled the glass with water.
No one knew and I didn't have to make any excuses. As the night wore on I would go ask the bartender for more ice, then go for water refills to the ladies room.

Ballplayer friends of mine would order cans of beer, then dump them and refill the cans with water. They never told anyone either. They had a game to play and could not afford to be hung over.

[SouthLake]

Do you have a mall nearby? Walking doesn't always have to be outside, I really enjoy walking the mall with friends since the temperature is always nice and comfortable. Plus, fantastic people watching!

[EmmaD]

Originally Posted by JOLINA

I used to order vodka and water on the rocks. Then I went to the ladies room and dumped the drink, and filled the glass with water.
No one knew and I didn't have to make any excuses. As the night wore on I would go ask the bartender for more ice, then go for water refills to the ladies room.

Ballplayer friends of mine would order cans of beer, then dump them and refill the cans with water. They never told anyone either. They had a game to play and could not afford to be hung over.

I love these ideas! Hilarious.

Some great ideas above. Also somewhere else I read about meetup.com. I checked it out for my area and found groups that go on long evening walks and weekend hikes. I haven't pursued it yet but that seems like a great way to meet more fitness-oriented people.

Good luck with balancing social life with over-consumption when you are at a bar or restaurant or party. It's hard. Personally, I'm not very good at moderation...