[LightRaven]

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling really icky and blue, and I don't have alot of people to talk to, so I figured I'd just pop on here.

I have a cold I'm hooked up to a heart monitor for the next two weeks (I just started tonight and am trying to figure out how to sleep with this thing and not strangle myself,.. the wires are so short!) I haven't been on 3FC in probably a week ( ) and I haven't exercised in 5 days.

My co-worker came in to work today showing of her engagement ring. My mom came home briefly this weekend to show me the wedding rings she found... and I just felt really sad. I mean, I'm supposed to be happy for these people. Happy that my mom has found a man that treats her like gold... albeit, I don't know the man very well and am only going by her word, and that the whole thing has been a whirlwind and sudden, but I'm supporting her and I am happy that she is happy. I should be happy and excited for my coworker that after seeing her boyfriend for 5 some odd years that he finally proposed. And while I offered my congrats, my heart broke inside.

My ex-husband just got married two weeks ago to one of his longtime friends. And while I know this woman, and know that she is not trying to replace me as a mom to my daughter, she has never tried to undermine me, has sided with me when I'm up against my daughter's father... She is a genuinely nice person, would never hurt my daughter, and we actually get a long very well (I just went to a baby shower she threw for my daughter's aunt recently, we worked together on putting the nursery furniture together, etc).

I was still saddened when he married her. Not because I want him. Not because I am still in love with him (although I will always love him. He's the father of my child!) but because it really brought up some of my inadequacies that I thought I had dealt with. Our marriage lasted three months before he took off. And he cheated on me, both at the end of our relationship.. and while I was pregnant with our daughter.

I didn't know this when it happened, but it always makes you feel like... what was wrong with you? What was so horrible about you that made this person not only cheat on you, but abandon you after three months of marriage? And while he goes out and buys a new car and a house and has a career (that you helped him get into)... I'm kinda stuck. With my mom. Child care is so expensive. And while I could probably move into a horrible neighborhood and live on my own. I'd rather not raise my child in North Philly. Thank-you-very-much.

And so while everyone at work is screaming and cheering and offering their congratulations.. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes... why?! That wasn't fair to her. And it's not really about her. I guess it's about me. fearing that I'll be alone forever? Some days I'm ok with it. Some days I'm not. No ones gonna find me anyway. Not like I go anywhere.

There are days that .. if I knew how horribly unfair and cruel life could be... I would have gone back to sleep indefinitely and cut short the misery.

Gah. This cold is not helping matters. Now I can't breathe out of either nostril.

Thanks for the cry. I feel a little better. Kinda.

LR

[Ferumbras]

That sounds wrenching!!

In my own way, I know some of what you're going through. That pang of jealousy and envy, even though you don't mean it, can just be awful to deal with. Hang in there. And colds definitely do not help matters.

And for the record, it is NOT your fault he cheated on you. I've been cheated on, and it's terrible. Horrible. It still can leave me with an empty feeling inside. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't me that had the problem, but by then it was too late. At least you're no longer in a relationship with him (though clearly, with your daughter, he's not entirely gone from your life). My rambling point is, you didn't cause him to cheat. And he's all the more of a jerk (and other stronger terms) for making you feel that you did.

I'm so sorry your day has been so poor. Here's to figuring out the wires and getting a good night's sleep.

[Leenie]

I am going to move this to the support group area, I think you'll get more responses there.

Leenie

[LightRaven]

Originally Posted by Ferumbras

And for the record, it is NOT your fault he cheated on you. I've been cheated on, and it's terrible. Horrible. It still can leave me with an empty feeling inside. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't me that had the problem, but by then it was too late. At least you're no longer in a relationship with him (though clearly, with your daughter, he's not entirely gone from your life). My rambling point is, you didn't cause him to cheat. And he's all the more of a jerk (and other stronger terms) for making you feel that you did.

Thank you for the kind words Ferumbras

I know that logically it's not my fault. That technically his behavior and actions weren't directly related to anything I did, or are about who I am.

But I don't have a logical brain. I have an emotional one. And I can tell myself all I want that his actions weren't my fault. In fact, I know it's not my fault. It doesn't stop my emotional brain from questioning my judgment of character, my own character, and why I apparently wasn't enough.

I am, however, the bigger and kinder person. Because you are right.. I have to deal with him for the rest of my life because of the daughter we share. and for her sake, and sanity, I have worked very hard for us to have an amicable relationship.

Most days I'm fine. But yesterday I was caught off guard and everything hit me really hard.

Thank you so much for the feedback!

LR

[Ferumbras]

I know what you mean about the emotions taking over and wondering about character judgement and all the rest. (Oh those feelings of not being good enough.... I tried so many things: he liked red-heads, so I dyed my hair (not a good look for me, at least not when done out of a drug-store bottle); I bought lingerie; I watched wrestling with him; I could go on...)

It's absolutely tough, no doubt about it. But, what it did for me, once I was out of the relationship and had time and space to breathe, was realize the characteristics I didn't want in a man. So when I started dating again, I had the bad relationship as an object lesson. It left me with some baggage and I sometimes misread signals because I was trying so hard not to get hurt again or look like a fool, but, for me, it 100% made my next relationships better. And now I'm with an absolutely wonderful man (husband!) and couldn't be happier.

You'll get there too. I know you will.

[LightRaven]

oh yes! Characteristics I don't want in a man: A narcissist!

I wish I had learned the lessons you apparently learned from that relationship though. I missed that boat. Because then I ended up in an abusive relationship afterwards. It's bad when I would have gladly traded my then boyfriend for my ex-husband. I apparently was caught up in the fact that someone found me attractive, "loved" me, but tried to poo-poo the few incidents where my head was being slammed into a brick wall.

Proud that I got out, but angry at myself that I was in that situation in the first place. More conflict between logic and emotions.

So what I've learned this time? Stay as far away from narcissists as possible. And listen to the red flags when I see them drop. Because they were there. I just didn't want to listen.

Currently, I'm not in the market. Just raising my beautiful daughter. But then when everyone around you seems to be getting married it's like "AHHHHH! I'm 31. A single mommy and divorced. Not exactly the best of the pickings!"

Meh, I feel like I am dumping on you Februmbras! Thank you so much for listening

LR

[Ferumbras]

Not a worry at all. I'm always happy to listen.

How old is your daughter?

[LightRaven]

She is 4.. going on 16. Wont be 5 until October though.

It's funny because I was upset when she turned 1. I was upset when she turned 2. 3 was ok at first and then I started praying for 4, and now I'm hoping I don't strangle her before 5! She's a sweet little girl, and very well adjusted considering her parents are divorced (course, we separated when she was like 6 months old, so she's really known nothing else.. she knows that she has two houses. She generally lives with mommy, but sees daddy two days every week and she's happy with it. Many kids out there don't get to see their father that often.).. but sometimes she does things where its like "Really?" And then when you question her about it she blames her brain. "Momma! My brain made me do it!!!"

She's my pride and joy. But if she could crawl back inside me... she would!

LR

[Ferumbras]

That is such an excellent excuse!! And in it's own way, absolutely true. She sounds adorable.