[krampus]

I'm just over a week binge free, but I've been overeating quite a few of those days and my "binge bulge" has moved from my stomach to the rest of my body, leaving clothes fitting a bit snugly and an overall bigger silhouette. I haven't been weighing daily, just once (yesterday), but even without numbers to verify it, I can tell that I'm on an upward trend.

I'm not sure at what point I would consider myself "ready" to start trying to lose again - or whether returning to a "weight loss" mentality is even a healthy option for me at this stage. But as the euphoria of feeling liberated from binges fades away, all I'm left with is this little voice saying "Shame on you, you've gained weight, look at you now," and I feel embarrassed to see people because they have seen me thinner.

Anyone been in a similar predicament? My ultimate goal is to feel sane and comfortable. I shouldn't have to shoo away a broken record playing "you're fat, you're fat" before being able to concentrate on anything else in life.

[LLBoldAsLove87]

I don't know what you're eating right now, but, IMHO, if some of it junk/highly processed, I would change the quality before I'd change the amount. It sounds like eating less RIGHT at this moment may make you rebel. Big-ish portions of healthy, clean foods would be my advice, until you're ready to start counting calories and losing again.

[Emme]

I think it is awesome that you've been binge free for a week ~ don't let that euphoria go away if you feel like you are going to be stuck thinking "I am fat, shame on me." Celebrate every day that you are binge free! I know that if I had a choice of being thinner but binging, or being overweight and not binging, I would choose being overweight and not binging...because I would rather be able to focus on losing weight in a healthy manner when I am ready without the cloud of binging around me.

[missunshine]

Krampus, i'm in the exact situation as you right now. i just had a binge and had to come find some consolation. i gained a lot and am also embarrased to be seen by people who already saw me skinny and now when i meet someone i just keep thinking in my head what must they be thinking of me, how weak i am...but sometimes i just don't care. it depends on the day...
so then i decided that i would stop losing and first take some time to think about it, think what i want, who i want to be and how i want to look like, because the first time around i was losing for others but i always felt more comfortable as chunky girl but was always worried what will other people say and not listening myself.. so maybe i will stay like this for some time at least untill i clear with myself all the mess in my head because i don't want to spin in yoyo circle. i decided this a long time ago and now i just have to find a way to stop binging.
and like you said, the only thing that matters is to feel comfortable and happy...which i definitely was untill i started losing weight. good luck girl

[saef]

Originally Posted by krampus

Anyone been in a similar predicament? My ultimate goal is to feel sane and comfortable. I shouldn't have to shoo away a broken record playing "you're fat, you're fat" before being able to concentrate on anything else in life.

I'm hesitant about responding, because I may not make you feel better, and my greatest wish for you would be peace of mind regarding your relationship with food & your body image. You're funny, articulate, very smart & hanging on in a foreign country where all kinds of nasty, scary stuff is going down, and even though none of it has happened in your neighborhood, there has to be a residual tension in the air sometimes all around you. In short, you are such an admirable person that I can't help but feel badly that this stuff is getting in your way of having an amazing life.

But to be honest, when I was bingeing as much as you describe, and was engaged in a great deal of self-castigation, while working at getting better, my weight went higher before it went lower again.

A lot higher. Like, I regained all I'd lost & put on forty more pounds.

I had to just let go entirely of any attempts at control at all. My relationship with food was such a mess, I needed to just not think about it for a couple years.

I focused on getting other parts of my life together. Like figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, and getting a masters' degree, and finding a decent job.

Then, one day, I was ready again. This time, it was about my health, so I was easier on myself, because I didn't care if I never attained a certain standard of appearance. I just wanted to get better, to be healthier.

Also, I knew I was capable of losing my mind, so I made sure that I was in touch with a medical doctor, who'd be doing blood work periodically & weighing me, and also I started seeing a therapist. My program, such that it was, was deliberately thought-out to counter all the problems I'd had before.

- No weighing three times a day; once a week was enough.
- No numbers consciousness. I just wanted the scale reading on Friday mornings to be lower. A little less, a little less. I let myself write this in a book every Friday. No other charting, graphing, or staring at the numbers. Often I forgot them after writing them, until the next weigh-in.
- No measuring & weighing foods, beyond a brief initial phase when I had to reacquaint myself with eyeballing portions.
- If I was really hungry, I'd eat. No eating nothing for hours & hours & hours & telling myself that hunger pains were something to be powered through & congratulating myself on my ability NOT to eat.
- Strict honesty with myself regarding my binges, and applying all I'd learned from my previous therapist about "sitting with myself" during & after binges.

And this time around, it worked.

I don't think you need to regain 80 pounds (you never had that much to lose to begin with) but I think a slight regain is inevitable until you've completely rebooted.

Also I want to urge you to consider at what point you'd be willing to get help from a professional. Just as you would for a physical ailment, when you understand that self-management is no longer such a good idea & you need to call in prescription antibiotics & etc.

You deserve more happiness. You deserve not to have this gray cloud over you. It's only food. It should not hurt you this much.

[tater tash]

- No weighing three times a day; once a week was enough.
- No numbers consciousness. I just wanted the scale reading on Friday mornings to be lower. A little less, a little less. I let myself write this in a book every Friday. No other charting, graphing, or staring at the numbers. Often I forgot them after writing them, until the next weigh-in.
- No measuring & weighing foods, beyond a brief initial phase when I had to reacquaint myself with eyeballing portions.
- If I was really hungry, I'd eat. No eating nothing for hours & hours & hours & telling myself that hunger pains were something to be powered through & congratulating myself on my ability NOT to eat.
- Strict honesty with myself regarding my binges, and applying all I'd learned from my previous therapist about "sitting with myself" during & after binges.

I think this is great advice and a good foundation to work with! I'm in a similar situation as Krampus and as much as I want to lose these last 10 pounds FAST and get in shape, I need to focus more on being comfortable with food. Just recently I realized that my binge eating was linked to emotions and I'd eat when ever I felt anxious or neglected.
I want to work on food just being food again, taking care of my body, while working out in the process. It may take more time for weight to come off, but at least I'll be increasing binge-free days and feeling comfortable with food and my own body.

[saef]

Tater Tash, I think that everyone finds their own road, and for people who were never mindful of how & what they ate before, the weighing & measuring & keeping an eye on metrics can be a very good thing. For a person like me, who has a history of getting way too much into the numbers game, overrestricting to the point of becoming anorexic, and then bingeing as a reaction, it's about trying to reinstate some semblance of normality. I don't know if what I've outlined is intuitive eating -- I am simply not familiar enough with the formal concept -- but I know that this time around, I had to do things differently, or risk getting the same unhealthy results from the same unhealthy behaviors.

[krampus]

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. I don't know where I'd be without your support and insight and I really hope my gratitude can show through my "emotionally stunted cyborg" forum writing style.

My binging behaviors have only been an issue within the past six months, and to be honest I can't tell if they were really triggered by emotions or simply by an infantile response to eating sugar - slow incorporation of "treats" resulting in "too many treats," I'm not sure.

I have no prior history of disordered eating, only slightly messed up thinking about body image and a brief flirtation with unsustainable overexercising in college. One thing that I think may have triggered the sudden sugar fascination was that I quit smoking in the fall, but smoked while on vacation in Germany over the Christmas/New Year holiday. I stopped again when I got back, and as many of you may know, possibly the worst symptom of nicotine withdrawal is wicked sugar cravings. Of course I can come up with numerous excuses/rationalizations!

Intuitive eating may not be the best path for me since I've never, ever been able to eat intuitively without being overweight. I'd like my focus to be on healthy eating without too many numbers or restrictions. Simple rules like "make sure you get some vegetables" and "easy on the desserts, once a day max" and so forth.

LLBoldAsLove, for the past week I have been eating fairly healthily, mostly things I make from scratch (chicken I cook myself, fresh fruits and vegetables, eggs), with too-frequent junk grazing. It's the eating equivalent of "cutting down" on cigarettes.

saef Thank you so much for your insight and for sharing your story - I always feel bad making these "WAHH I SUCK" threads and taking up so much of your time (maybe you type 150 wpm and it takes no time at all?) with thorough responses! Regain as reboot I am okay with to an extent; I know logically that no one on earth except me will care if I fluff up a little on my way to a saner mindset. As for professional help, there really isn't much in English in Japan, but when I repatriate I would like to find a therapist or support group to at least "try out." At the moment I am in correspondence with a few e-acquaintances and have spoken to a couple close friends about it, which is very helpful for now.

missunshine *hug* I'm sorry to hear you're struggling too. I hate the idea that I am "destined" to be a yo-yo dieter as well, if I regain back to my "I don't care" set point around 155 it will be the third cycle. I hope you can find some answers and conquer binges very soon.