....if i keep this up. *this is a half vent/half what is she talking about post sry* Yesterday was a mentally difficult day. My view I have on my body image isn't the best and it makes dating, really difficult. I told myself I wouldn't date until I was at a stage where I could at least stand to see myself in the mirror. But ah, stupid loneliness and I caved and went out with a guy who asked me out a couple weeks ago. Didn't end well, I was very snobbish and distant from him. I mean I talked. But making eye contact and the thought of him trying to hug my fat just completely made me want to crawl in a hole and I couldn't wait for the night to be over. :-( :-( :-(
Last night on the way home, I was so upset and just frigging bummed. I stopped at the store and brought haagen dazs pint of butter pecan ice cream (300 calories per 1/2 cup) and a pack of keeblers chocolate chip cookies (4 cookies---80 calories each). I got home, I stared at that bag for a long time. Maybe I was hoping my mental powers would cut the calories in half or make the urge to eat them go away. It didn't, just in case you're wondering. I scooped out two (small) scoops of ice cream and I took one cookie out. ate the scoops and ate the cookie, took the ice cream put it on the sink and ran hot water through it. Then took the rest of the cookies and put them in the garbage disposal. Today, I went to store, and saw Sara Lee's Cheese Cake danish (i used to looooooooooooove those) for the first time in years. I brought one, looked at the package (520 calories). Took one bite, threw it in the trash.
Definitely didn't factor in calories for my impromptu bite of sara lee or my last night brush with chocolate chip cookies and butter pecan ice cream, but at least I didn't eat them all. But at the rate i'm going, i'm going to be one broke chick. I definitely have now realized I am a serious emotional eater.
oh girl but you're realizing this and that's the first step! i know when i started watching what i ate, i would cheat and then i had this huge realization that it just isn't worth it. even when i use my extra flex points from weight watchers on a big splurge it doesn't satisfy...anything! nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. you know-your mental powers didn't vanish the treats BUT they certainly made you realize that you weren't going to feel better eating them. start new tomorrow.
and that guy asked you out! guys don't ask out girls they don't fancy. so maybe you aren't interested in a relationship yet, or an intimate one at least...you can take it slow!
It was just a mental thing....he was nice, attractive, respectful. I definitely think I need a little more time to get used to someone touching me with this amount of weight on my body. Either that or learn how to astral project myself elsewhere.
And yes i'm a little bit proud of me, not for cheating, but a couple months ago, I would have eaten the entire pint of ice cream, all 4 cookies and wouldn't have given it a second thought.
you should be proud of yourself. And don't second guess the men. If he didn't think you were attractive he wouldn't have asked you out in the first place. They really don't see us the same way we do.
What you did maybe cost a few bucks, but it saved a bunch of emotional issues and some pounds! YAY you.
And yeah, the guy would not have asked you out if he did not find something attractive about you. Boys actually get nervous about asking girls out, it takes a lot out of them. Or so I have been told HAHA. So the fact that he put himself out there, says that he digs you. Do not be so hard on yourself. (I know easier said than done)
I agree with the others -- you fell off a bit, but you pulled out of the outta control binge!! Congrats and feel that as an empowerment! A positive choice to nip this. I too have major insecurities with guys. I've had an online relatioinship that has evolved into skype dates and we're trying our best to make an air ticket possible (he lives 2hr flight away). He's pretty much seen the whole package via skype - but I still know that it is going to take a lot for me to be comfortable being myself when we do meet. Like the others said - i think we need to give guys a bit more credit in their choosing women of substance. My confidence is SLOWLY getting stronger - yours will too. Give him another chance and this time, look him in the eyes!!! Keep up the good choices.
You guys are so awesome, btw. Thx for listening to me rant. I know a I need to gain a little more confidence. And, jls0867, good luck! I really hope it works out well for you two.
Wow, good for you!
I agree with the others - the boy wouldn't have asked you out if he didn't find you attractive. You sound absolutely charming, and you need to embrace yourself - touch is nice. You will be the same person once you lose the weight as you are now. You don't need to punish yourself by avoiding the pleasure of someone's company, or touch for that matter. Baby steps, try hand-holding first. Do you know that physical contact such as cuddling actually releases feel-good hormones in women, which can lift your spirits, and in turn, promote healthy choices? http://www.lifesciencefoundation.org/cmoxtyocin.html
Just a thought :hugs:
Good girl ! It has only been in recent years that I have given myself permission to leave something on my plate. And when I threw out a half of a peach pie (Not a slice but half a whole pie) I was sure the angels in heaven were singing.
When I met my now husband, I was 295 pounds. I cannot begin to express how incredibly sad I was that he did not see me at my best weight. I had to deal with how it felt to fall in love with someone when I felt so awful about myself. In fact, it was ironic that only a few years prior to meeting him, I was thin and had men following me about like puppies. lol. now comes the man I love and I look my worst! It was hard to accept!
I know logically that love is stronger than the number on the scale, but internally, women feel their sexuality is tied to appearance. I ended up taking a deep breath and looking at myself in the mirror and deciding that "I" was who I am, fat or thin and if I let him go because I would be mortified that ugliest parts of my body were viewed by him....then I would end up a bitter old lady and full of regret.
Another way to look at it, how would you feel about him, if he had a crooked nose, or a weak chin, or was missing an arm? Would that stop you from getting to know him better? Weight can be changed, many other imperfections cannot. Think about being with a partner until old age. Would you leave someone who ended up with heart problems, or diabetes? Our harshness about our own imperfections would rarely be extended to those we love. We should learn to accept in ourselves what we would accept in others.
When I met my husband, I did the best I could with my appearance. I was honest about how I felt about my weight and opened up the dialog about expectations and fears. I decided at that time (engagement) not to diet, but to find peace with food and ate "normally" and mindfully. I was perhaps the only bride on a wedding forum site that was not on a diet prior to the wedding! I wanted to enjoy the process, the journey and not stress over my weight and the fit of a wedding dress. I bought a dress that fit. I accepted that I could not change my weight or body anytime soon, so I went with it and learned a lot about myself in the meantime.
Many married women look back on their wedding pictures wishing they could fit into their wedding gowns again. I recently tried on my wedding gown and it hangs on me! Eight years later, my husband is still here, still loving me. Fat or thin, young or old....love is blind.
I am not saying the guy you met is the one, but holding back because of your feelings about your body may keep you from finding a wonderful relationship. In fact, isn't it already obvious that he finds you attractive as you are?
About the throwing away of food....do what you need to do to regain control of your eating. I have throw a lot of food away to prevent a binge from happening and eventually I realized that not buying it in the first place saved a lot of money and prevented a lot of waste. I then switched my focus on not purchasing the food. I still have my moments, and if I need to, I throw it away. Most food shelters won't take perishables, so it is truly a waste of food to toss it, but bingeing is worse.
Hope you find what you are looking for. You already have what it takes!
The thing with emotional eating - we've got to realize that once the food is gone (in a mere matter of minutes), the problem still exists. Only it's compounded with the food. So the original issue hasn't been dealt with and on top of it, there's now guilt, remorse, frustration and fat.
It is vital to separate mood from food. Not so easy - iniitally, but it's a must, a must, a must.
It'll take time, but it happens. If you allow it to. If you force it. By putting up roadblocks.
A real great roadblock? It doesn't go in your mouth till it's on paper FIRST. It doesn't go in your mouth till it's on paper FIRST. It doesn't go in your mouth till it's on paper FIRST.
Another one? Make a plan in advance. Map out each and every crumb, bite ,lick taste, morsel and sip that will go down your throat - ahead of time. And than (here's the tricky part) stick to it like glue. Like glue. LIKE GLUE. Making certain to not give yourself to veer off of it. You've got to work past the discomfort. ANd really, really push yourself. Harder than you've ever pushed.
We've all got the control. We've just got to use it and strengthen it. And each and every time we do use it, it gets stronger and stronger, making each time easier and easier.
Oh and I've dumped MANY items in the trash. Waaay better to dump it in the trash can then to BE the trash can.
I was thinking about this thread last night in bed (sad, but true lol) and thought "what is the difference between buying it and eating it and buying it and throwing it out?" you are still out the same amount of money. Just remember the old you would have eaten it and you would have been the trashcan. It's a huge step forward to be throwing this stuff in the right trash can!
Thank you all for the support. Definitely helped. I'm feeling a little better today. I will definitely try baby steps. I just feel so uncomfortable. And I know all these fears I have may be unfounded, but I can't help think things like if he'll be embarrassed of me if we go out. Or if I'm too fat to be introduced to his friends, will they make fun of me as the fat girlfriend when I'm not around. And in my mind I have this weird idea that with clothes on, I can hide a bit of how fat I am, but when it comes to hugging he can FEEL my true fatness. *sigh* I know, I need to have a major mental overhaul.
@ losinlish, thx for the link will definitely read.
@bargoo we're near the same height (i'm really 4'11) and your start weight is around the same, end goal is where I'd like to be. Gosh, fingers crossed, hope I am you this time next year----uh----weight wise that is! How long did it take you?
@elisaannh Thank you for sharing (part) of your story. Made me really smile. But, what you mentioned, about him seeing my ugliest parts, that's what scares me. Its what worries me. Like what if a couple months from now, we become serious and we become intimate. I just cringe at the thought of him seeing me nude. Or if the lights are on or if it's daylight outside and trying to have adult time. When guys hit on me (which ironically is still quite often) I convince myself that they are just fatty chasers, or they are desperate and they can't get a date from anyone else, or they just want to date the fat girl for sex. I know, KNOW, KNOW i really need to iron out these mental issues I have about my weight.
I started seriously dieting Sept. 13 of this year, the day after I had the most humiliating and hurtful night of my life. I really liked this guy who I had been talking to for months. We went out a couple times, chatted very often. He was very attracted to my personality, but on that day he made it very clear he wasn't attracted to me physically. And didn't think we would work out. We had shared kisses, we were intimate the first time that day and he couldn't finish. And he just told me flat out why the reason was. That really really hurt. And since then I have no desire to be touched or loved or courted by anyone in the body I'm in.
Here is what I say.....KUDOS to YOU....ok so you bought junkie yuck food, BUT wow you threw 80% at least of it away.... THAT TOOK ALOT!!! I don't think 2 small scoops and a cookie throws you way off...
Look, you have GOT to learn to be ok with who you are NOW because even loosing weight will not ultimately change who you are as a person. Will it give you self confidence? Will you feel better about your choices and accomplishments? YES OF COURSE and I am not belittling that fact HOWEVER the core of who you are still exists.
You are beautiful NOW and all your doing is improving upon what is already there.
SO your not a size 2....SO WHAT....someday you will be but for now I am just trying to stress....ENJOY THE JOURNEY....
JUST FYI this coming from a woman who was in a 16yr abusive marriage (horrible physical and emotional)!!! it took alot of work to actually realize I am "OK"
Men do not substantiate you who are. You do NOT need a man to make you "ok" if you need to for a while focus on building strong friendships with your girlfriends, social networks etc.....work on YOU first then you will be mentally in a much better place to handle a relationship later on.
That is just my opinion AND I HAVE BEEN THERE I KNOW!!!!
I took two year sabatical from dating. I used that time to focus on who I am and to weed out negative thinking. I haven't lost my weight yet but I have NOW the most wonderful man in my life that wow I could have never imagined having and we have been together almost 2 years now. HE LOVES ME and I ACCEPT HIS LOVE in return despite my weight THAT IS A FIRST FOR ME!!!!!! But I was mentally ready once we met up.
I "want" the relationship I am in but I do NOT "NEED" it to be ok. If we were to break up tomorrow I would be sad of course but it would not effect my well being or my view of myself!!!! BIG DIFFERENCE to where I was a few years ago...
OK OK OK sorry, my book is over LOLOLOL sorry for going on and on just trying to help
I"m gonna go broke....
but you're realizing this and that's the first step! i know when i started watching what i ate, i would cheat and then i had this huge realization that it just isn't worth it. even when i use my extra flex points from weight watchers on a big splurge it doesn't satisfy...anything! nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. you know-your mental powers didn't vanish the treats BUT they certainly made you realize that you weren't going to feel better eating them. start new tomorrow. 
Here is what I say.....KUDOS to YOU....ok so you bought junkie yuck food, BUT wow you threw 80% at least of it away.... THAT TOOK ALOT!!! I don't think 2 small scoops and a cookie throws you way off...
