[suga0so0fly09]

Hello, I go by Suga, and I realized yesterday that I have a binge eating problem.
I've always knew that the binge eating episodes I've had throughout my life were not normal, but I never realized that they were bad either. It's hard to explain, but when you have been overweight all your life, its really not something you struggle to understand, at least not me.

The past couple of years, is when I realized that this can not be normal. Even today, I dont know what causes it, or dont know why I do it. I feel lost and I confused.

I used to be pretty on these site up until January. This is my first post since then. Many things have happened, but not until last night I realized, I had to tell someone. This site was truly helpful as I was going through one of my many weight loss attempts, but life got the best of me I guess, and I stopped posting.
Anyway, after the binging last night, I sat there in confusion and in pain, emotional pain, and I thought of things that would help me conquer this. First, is God. Then, is thinking of how I am going to do so and that is to have a plan, and part of my plan is to be back in a support group.

All I feel right now is I need to tell someone. Nobody knows, my family, my friends, and now my husband, nobody is aware.
I need to say how horrible it got last night, beause I need help.

After work yesterday, which seems to be the worst when I binge, I went to Walmart. I needed a few things to make dinner and I told myself I would only get on sweet thing. My mind went into overdrive, or something, I wasnt myself. I ended up getting, 2 strawberry shortcake icecream pops, 1 twix ice cream bar, a large bag of cheetos, a king size hershey candy bar, and a Walmart already baked tray of brownies.
As I said before, I was in a daze. Even when I got to the counter to pay, the checker gave me a look, and I felt no remorse for what I was about to do.
On the drive home I ate most of the ice cream, and started on the bag of cheetos. When I got home, I finished the whole bag of cheetos then continued with more ice cream and the candy bar. By this time, I guess I started feeling guilty and I stopped, but then looked at the time, knew my husband wouldnt be home for a while and hit the brownies. I felt so ashamed. I feel so ashamed. It is so hard for me to even type this but I know I need to, I have to to get some help.
And that is what I am asking of you friends, HELP!
Like I said, I dont even know why, how or when about this binging. I'm sure there is an explanation why. All I know know is that I need help, before it gets worse.

Thank you all for reading as I rambled on, but this is my confession...

[ThicknPretty]

You are not alone in this.

I'm proud of you for posting this and for your "confession". It's a good first step and I'm sure you'll get lots of wonderful advice and responses and, more importantly, support.

Bingeing is a very emotional habit. When I am happy and feel confident and secure and have things to look forward to, I am much less likely to binge. Even if I've had a bad day, if I'm at least in a calm, peaceful state of mind, I can control my urges. It's when I'm feeling anxious about my future, defeated, helpless or lonely that my binge monster comes out. I am capable of eating disgusting amounts of random food in very short periods of time. It's the worst feeling of failure for me. You need to pinpoint what causes you to binge...were you bored? Do you feel like something is missing? Were you disappointed or angry or disgusted or did you feel defeated for any reason?

To me, a big key is to focus on small things that make me feel happy (my son had a great day at school, I got a child support check, my hair looks good, I got a shirt on sale, etc) and keep rolling them over and over in my mind, milking that feel-good stuff. I have not yet mastered the art of controlling my urges in spite of tragedy or disappointment or just no matter what. If someone dies, I'm going to binge. If my car breaks down, I'm going to binge. I look forward to the day that my eating choices are not directly tied to my emotional or mental state at any given point in time, but for now, they kind of are.

Every day that you DON'T binge is a victory and you need to focus on it. Remind yourself that you did it one day, you can go for two and so on. Don't fall victim to the guilt of what you've done in the past...it's over, you can't undo it, let it go. You can only control right now and the decisions you make from this point on and you have the strength to make good ones, I know you do. I find that when I'm a little more patient with myself and a little more generous with my self praise, I feel better and am less likely to binge. So even if I do slip up and overeat, I focus on what I DIDN'T eat and how bad it COULD have been.

Good luck. Sorry my response was so long, I got a little carried away.

[rockinrobin]

I had VERY similar, if not worse binges back in the day. I know where you are coming from. I know your sense of shame too. It's not fun. It's not pretty.

I want you to know that you CAN change this. You CAN.

Will it be easy - no - that's initially. The hardest part is starting and the first few weeks as you force the old bad habits to die down and incorporate the new healthy ones.

As hard as it is to start and as hard as those first weeks will be, it's no where near as hard as being super morbidly obese. THAT'S hard and doesn't get any easier.

I tried for a long time to figure out the whys. I realized that was inconsequential. I wasted too much time on that. It was time for some ACTION. I knew I could not go on that way and a change HAD to occur.

For whatever reasons I binged, and as you go along your journey, they may become more apparent. You don't have to have everything figured out right away to make a change. Anyway, for whatever pup rose my binging served - it stopped serving the purpose. The price became to high. So even if initially there was a *good* reason for it, the bad outweighed the good. And I knew that. But here's the thing - at some point it just becomes plain old habit. It's what you know. It's what you're used to. It's what you do.

I would love for you to make the firm decision to change this behavior. I did. But I also HAD to set myself up for success.

That meant banning, yes banning all the foods that I craved, desired, wanted and overate the most. Sugar, flour, junk. I made them defnite NO's. They were off limits to me. To eat them was no longer an option. I kept telling myself over and over again, "I just don't do that anymore, I just don't do that anymore". I know it sounds crazy and extreme, but in a very short time (I was shocked to find this out), my cravings for that stuff GREATLY diminished. The longer I went without - the less I wanted it. MIraculous!!! Some people say *everything in moderation*, umm no. I tried that route for decades. It doesn't work. Ask any alcoholic. I couldn't let it. "JUst this one time, one little bite, oh it can't hurt". Well it DOES hurt.

So I'd love for you to ban the junk-y foods, but ADD in healthy, delicious, satisfying, lower calorie foods. One that taste good AND are good FOR YOU - long after your done chewing. Rid your house of the garbage, fill it up with the good, wholesome foods that won't send you into a feeding frenzy.

It takes time to find these foods, which is another reason the beginning stages are so difficult, but they're out there. Be creative!

I also urge you to write EVERYTHING down BEFORE it goes in your mouth. No exceptions!! This is a GREAT tool.

And plan ahead. Plan, plan and than plan some more. Your meals and your snacks. It's much easier to avoid the bad stuff, if you've got GOOD stuff on hand, at your fingertips.

Counting calories is another precious tool. It puts the brakes on overeating. It's built in accountability and portion control. Try fitday.com for instance to get going.

These are all things to set yourself up for success.

One more thing - don't dread these changes. Look forward to them. Get excited about them. Embrace them. Find the joy in this. Eating well is nothing to fear or loathe - remaining obese is.

You DO have the ability to change this. I am CERTAIN of it. Certain.

Get excited. Make a plan. Push yourself. Challenge yourself. Learn some new skills. Take it one day at a time, heck 1 minute at a time if need be.

[My Michelle]

I just want to hug you, because I hate the we have to struggle with this binging, because it really is terribly demoralizing. You're definitely not alone, I've done exactly what you describe, so know that we do understand!

Robin and TnP gave you great advice, I would second all of it!

[shannonmb]

Great responses to dear, dear Suga, girls! Oh my goodness, Suga, do I know how you feel. That is the beauty of this site. Didn't you think you were the only one in the world who does that? Nope!

I love rockinrobin's no-nonsense approach to this. I mean, we can sit around the fire and talk till the cows come home about how bad we feel and why there must have been something in our past that makes us do this. But does it really matter? Some people would definitely say that it does, that if you can get to the root cause, you can change it. But I say, unless there is something really serious in your past that has you totally off-kilter, then what is probably going on is a very bad habit of using food instead of other things for comfort, entertainment, cure for boredom, etc.

My approach has been this -- figure out when and under what circumstances I usually do my binging, then avoid those situations like the plague! For me, it was exhaustion. I worked night shift for a lot of years, and OMG, when I got home from being up all night working 12 or sometimes 16 hour shifts, I went absolutely insane eating. My husband would have already left for work, my daughter would be at school, I would get in my favorite recliner, turn on something I had DVR'd, and make probably 10 trips to the kitchen -- thinking about what I would be having next while still eating what I had on my plate. So for me, it was really about being tired, and almost giving myself permission, I EARNED this, I worked hard, poor me, bring on the grub. I would start to mindlessly eat, and basically go into a glazed-eyed coma. Over and over I did this.

After I switched to day shift and I still wasn't much less tired, I had a sleep study and found out I have very severe sleep apnea. Now that I have my CPAP machine to sleep with, I am getting the most restful, beautiful sleep of my life. And I have not really binged since! I figured out that being physically tired was the root of MY binging, so I went to great lengths (changing shifts at work, sleep studies, dr appts, etc!) to fix that.

Things have been going well for me since May when I started this latest weight loss journey, and I am still fearful that when things get tough, I will revert back to my old ways of dealing with things by eating. But like thicknpretty said, every day that we don't binge is a victory, and I just bet if we keep practicing NOT doing it, eventually food will no longer be our go-to for whatever reasons we were/are binging!

[suga0so0fly09]

First of all, I just wanted to thank you ladies for your advice and for helping not feel like I am alone.
I decided that I really need to take a life change, no matter how difficult it will be. I really felt like I was alone in this, feeling alienated because this is not known in my family or friends.

I know I must set a plan for myself and try my very best to stick with it.
I felt like yesterday was truly a turning point of realizing I had a problem and realizing I needed to do something about it.

After my binge the day before yesterday, when I sat there and decided this was no more, I decided to fast for one day, purpose of it, to ask for strength and forgiveness for the binging.
Today I feel better, and I keep in mind what you ladies said. One day without binging is one day conquered and an accomplishment! If I can fast for a whole day, I know I can have the will power to do anything.

I will work on pinpointing what gets me in that way of thinking so I can stop myself and occupy myself with something else. I have been thinking about it and I think its when I am feeling overwhelmed with something, or when I am worried. Not so much so bored or sad, but mostly worried. I will turn to my faith and work on getting that stronger to help me surpass that.

Starting today I will also start writing things down, that will be very new to me, but I will try and stick to it!

Again, thank you so much! I knew in my heart I would find some good support here. THANK YOU~ TnP, Robin, Michelle, Shannon!!!

[dolliemac]

I wish you could share more about the machine for sleeping. I just started to use one this week. This is my fourth night with one. Each night at some point I rip it off my head and throw it on the floor while I am asleep. I wake up and find it on the floor. The reason I am up right now in the middle of the night is the mask bothered me until I got up and did something. I am not ready to give up but did you have this problem and how long did it take to get adjusted.

Originally Posted by shannonmb

Great responses to dear, dear Suga, girls! Oh my goodness, Suga, do I know how you feel. That is the beauty of this site. Didn't you think you were the only one in the world who does that? Nope!

I love rockinrobin's no-nonsense approach to this. I mean, we can sit around the fire and talk till the cows come home about how bad we feel and why there must have been something in our past that makes us do this. But does it really matter? Some people would definitely say that it does, that if you can get to the root cause, you can change it. But I say, unless there is something really serious in your past that has you totally off-kilter, then what is probably going on is a very bad habit of using food instead of other things for comfort, entertainment, cure for boredom, etc.

My approach has been this -- figure out when and under what circumstances I usually do my binging, then avoid those situations like the plague! For me, it was exhaustion. I worked night shift for a lot of years, and OMG, when I got home from being up all night working 12 or sometimes 16 hour shifts, I went absolutely insane eating. My husband would have already left for work, my daughter would be at school, I would get in my favorite recliner, turn on something I had DVR'd, and make probably 10 trips to the kitchen -- thinking about what I would be having next while still eating what I had on my plate. So for me, it was really about being tired, and almost giving myself permission, I EARNED this, I worked hard, poor me, bring on the grub. I would start to mindlessly eat, and basically go into a glazed-eyed coma. Over and over I did this.

After I switched to day shift and I still wasn't much less tired, I had a sleep study and found out I have very severe sleep apnea. Now that I have my CPAP machine to sleep with, I am getting the most restful, beautiful sleep of my life. And I have not really binged since! I figured out that being physically tired was the root of MY binging, so I went to great lengths (changing shifts at work, sleep studies, dr appts, etc!) to fix that.

Things have been going well for me since May when I started this latest weight loss journey, and I am still fearful that when things get tough, I will revert back to my old ways of dealing with things by eating. But like thicknpretty said, every day that we don't binge is a victory, and I just bet if we keep practicing NOT doing it, eventually food will no longer be our go-to for whatever reasons we were/are binging!