OK, I promised myself long ago that I would not make a "back on the wagon" post, mostly because I wanted to make a huge effort to stay on the wagon in the first place. But here I am.
This past week has been difficult emotionally for me. Nothing life threatening going on but my son dropped out of college...... again. He was a part of the inspiration for me starting on weight loss. I was encouraging him in going back to school, telling him not to look at the big picture, take it one day at a time, yada, yada, yada when it dawned on me that I needed to look at weight loss the same way as getting a college degree. How could I tell him to work hard and be persistent when I had the same attitude towards weight loss that he had towards school?
Anyway, he and I made a pact. He would work on school and I would work on weight loss. At first both of us did well. The first nine months I lost 69 pounds and he got a 3.8 gpa in two complete semesters. Then things got hard on both of us. My weight loss slowed down and his courses got harder.
I thought we were both sticking with it. I keep telling myself that it is not like he died or anything, but I feel like someone died. I feel like I am in mourning. Maybe it is the death of a dream. He was in a cohort program to work in a medical field, so he can't even just start back if he decides. The head of the program was very nice and is encouraging DS to restart the program next August. I don't hold out much hope as he would lose an entire year.
To add to the stress, I felt like I had to give out some tough love. We can't keep supporting a grown man so we told him to go get a job that will support him. So hard. I want to make everything right for him but just can't.
The first couple of days after he told me I did not want to eat at all. Then I had my normal reaction and wanted to eat, eat, and then eat some more. I have not done as badly as I could have. I think I ate about 300 to 500 calories extra a day for 3 days. I didn't even log, so can't know for sure. Calories can really mount up when you aren't paying attention. I have not weighed either.
Part of me said, "he quit, so I am going to quit". I have worked my way through that and have decided that I need to keep going for me. I still feel terrible about this. It is so surprising how it has affected me but I keep telling myself that eating will not make me feel better.
I have learned that you can't want something for another person. No one can want weight loss for me. I can't want an education for my son. We all have to want something ourselves enough to do whatever it takes.
So back on the wagon. I made a new avatar to remind me how far I have come. I am back on plan 100% today and am committed to staying there. Sometimes commitment has to keep us going even when we don't feel like it.
Be an example for him!!! Show him how you haven't given up! Maybe his education plans will have to change, but that doesn't mean this has to be a failure. Maybe it just wasn't the right program for him.
Sending hug your way. You seem to be on track to finding yourself and your son will too. The good news about both weight loss and education as no age limit on either!
So proud of you for jumping back on and not giving up on YOU!!!! You are totally worth it and you are the only one that can give this to you. You have already done an amazing job...
There are times all of us want to quit. Life is very hard and we will get through this together.
My oldest daughter moved into a dorm at college and that has me scared to death. But I have told myself this is her turn to make her own life...I can just help guide her now
I agree with DOV, be an example- don't quit because he did. As far as his decision, if he is a grown man I think he should support himself. It is totally OK for him not to go to college- college isn't for everyone. He may be better suited to be an employee or blue collar guy and that should be OK. Love him where he is at and tell him you support whatever career choice he makes as long as he knows you won't be supporting him.
You keep going and get healthy - it shouldn't be tied to what your ds does. You can do it- you have come so far!!
Good for you for not allowing yourself to use his disappointing decision as an excuse to go off plan. Also, kudos for the tough love. These demonstrate real strength!
Can I say how much I admire all the thinking you've been doing & the conclusions you've reached & how you have phrased them? If you were in my real life, I'd want to ask you questions about serious things. You would make an excellent sounding-board.
Now to put your new plans into action. This is a good time of year for new undertakings.
If this helps: I was a child who quit school, floundered in the workforce in underpaying, understimulating jobs for years, and finally, after a long time passed & I'd had enough, I went back to school & ended up taking on a few career. The story ends with me doing far better than my parents had ever hoped. I ended up out-earning both their incomes combined, or so they told me just before their retirement -- a moment that I cherish, since it was long in coming, and years before, no one would have ever thought that would happen.
First of all, congratulations on your weight loss, you have done great! I know that sometimes its easier for us to do things for someone else than it is to do it for us. You were probably doing this weight loss thing for your ds as much as you were for yourself. I know how that goes, but look back on your success, look at old pictures, try on your big clothes and just remind yourself of how far you have come. Don't let anything take that success from you!
Hope all goes well with your son, its hard for us as parents to accept when what they want for their lives doesn't coincide with our dreams for them. He will soon find his calling, meanwhile, just give him as much moral support as you can.
I applaud you for getting back on the wagon and setting an example for your son. I know it has to be hard to watch him make difficult choices with his life. You're controlling what you can - yourself. I applaud you for that.
Thank you all for your encouragement. It means more than you can know.
Quote:
saef originally postedIf this helps: I was a child who quit school, floundered in the workforce in underpaying, understimulating jobs for years, and finally, after a long time passed & I'd had enough, I went back to school & ended up taking on a few career. The story ends with me doing far better than my parents had ever hoped. I ended up out-earning both their incomes combined, or so they told me just before their retirement -- a moment that I cherish, since it was long in coming, and years before, no one would have ever thought that would happen.
I'm sorry for the tough times, and I KNOW how hard it is when kids make tough choices.... my oldest son and his iffy decision making is one thing that I DEFINITELY let get to me. I completely get where you are coming from.
I am NOT an expert at tough love but I have found that finding the strength to tell myself to shut up with the excuses about my binge eating has also made me much stronger in dealing with my son's lame excuses.
It's hard to really take a tough stance when you wrap your own choices in rationalizations-- or I should say not YOU, but for me, and I'm thinking maybe for anyone.
I'm sure you are doing the right thing and that you will hang tight with your weight loss. I've been super-stressed lately too, but I AM managing to stay on track, and I'm sure you will too!
I'm so glad you are back in the groove... Even though your son is now a grown man, Children (at any age) learn what they live. You made a commitment to get healthy and if he sees that you are honoring your commitment, that WILL make an impact on him.
I also think it was an excellent decision that he "pay his way" too. You did good!
One of THOSE posts - back on the wagon
