Hi - I'm not sure if I should post this here, or somewhere else, or just maybe go talk to someone. I feel a little vulnerable saying this, actually. But maybe I just need a good kick in the butt and to quit feeling sorry for myself.
Sometimes I think or catch myself "punishing" myself by eating more than I should or things that are not healthy. I don't stop and really analyze it that minute, but later think about it. For instance, I don't really have a set schedule for work. So some days I get up, procrastinate, and decide to watch TV in the morning and don't get to work until 10:30 am. I get mad at myself as I'm driving to work, and decide what the h*** and eat Zingers and a Coke for breakfast and McDonald's for lunch. Then I end up staying at work until 8 or 9 pm and don't go to the gym afterwards. I know I shouldn't, but I'm so irritated with myself that I just don't care.
My husband and I are having financial difficulties due to him quitting his full time job and going back to college 4 years ago. He still has a year left to get a double major. So, I get mad at both of us for our lack of discipline in not spending money which has lead to our crisis, One measly case in point - we are having to borrow money from my parents to pay $3,000 to fix the transmission in our SUV. I mean, I'm 38, and I have to ask mommy and daddy for money? How pathetic is that? It makes me mad and embarrased just thinking about it. So all day today I've been eating crappy food, partly for comfort, and partly because I know I shouldn't because it will lead to me gaining weight back, and I just don't care right this second.
Thanks for letting me vent it out, maybe I just needed to get it off my chest. I guess lazy procrastinators that can't take care of their money deserve to be healthy, thin, and happy too! Even me......
I've never felt that I don't deserve to lose but I certainly have felt so angry with things, usually, like you say, things that are my own fault but still make me angry, so angry that I've eaten rubbish food. I have eaten so much in anger.
All that I can say is that now that I've been on plan for 55 days, and actually seeing results - so I have proof that taking control is having positive outcomes - I feel a lot less angry about the other stuff.
I think it's something to do with not tackling all the hard stuff all at once but dealing with the one thing that is easiest to deal with first.
I'm 52 but I just hit my brother up for a short term loan of $4500. It took me a while to work up the nerve to ask him, because, like you, I feel like I'm a big girl and should be able to keep myself out of (and/or get myself out of) these predicaments. But ya know what, he was happy to lend me the money and I think pleased I was willing to ask him. I know he was pleased he could help.
I'm sure your parents were also pleased they could help you out.
I think you're just dealing with some pretty stressful things. I know that I myself have an obsessive personality, addictions if you will, but my addictions are thankfully always for good. My dear brother is a severe alcoholic...same personality, different ways of dealing with it.
One of my obsessions is weight loss and another is financial order. I have found that I can not concentrate on both at the same time. Right now it's obviously weight loss and it's all consuming, so the finances have slid. And that stresses me out! But when I'm on a financial kick, then the weight loss slides. I think soon the time will come that I can balance both at the same time, but I'm not there yet.
Both are very stressful processes. Please don't underestimate that. And stress is not helpful with weight loss. I think that's why I can't manage both at the same time. It just doesn't work very well. Many of us are stress eaters, and there's certainly the old "why bother" eating you described.
I say all that to help you maybe understand that you are normal, fine and that it makes sense to another person why you are struggling. It shouldn't give you permission to continue down this destructive path. I think you need to find a way to balance your situation and it sounds like a good solid schedule might go a long way. If you can not get to work until 10:00 in the morning, couldn't you then move your workout to the morning? Mornings are great because it's a big no-excuses times of the day. There are no meetings at 6:00 AM. Plan ahead for breakfast and all meals. It's cheaper and obviously much better for you and then you can skip the fact that you're eating pity party food because there shouldn't be room for any pity party food in your plan.
There....kick in the pants and an understanding shoulder.
Eliana, is so wise. She brings up some good points. Exercise in the morning--first thing--git 'er done--checkity check! Stay away from convenience stores and fast food! You can't afford it. I paid off our credit card debt WHILE I was losing weight. I was able to pay it off before I hit my goal and it was a great feeling. Last year, DH and I were able to pay for our family vacation out of pocket. Stop punishing yourself with crappy food. You deserve so much more. You deserve tasty, nourishing food, exercise that makes your body feel great and plenty of rest.
I don't mean to be harsh here, but do you REALLY believe that is why you're not losing weight - because you don't deserve it and that you are punishing yourself? I know for years I had this type of thinking - "well I guess I just don't deserve to lose weight, I must be punishing myself for all that I've done wrong." I suppose it was easier for me to accept this excuse, then to do what was necessary to get the job done.
I'm not sure if the above scenario fits you, but I do know that none of us are perfect. No one. Not anywhere at any time. We are all worthy of being the best us. We are all worthy of being fit, trim, active and healthy.
I had a hard time dealing with lot of things because I had the added burden of the extra weight on me. I have found for me, that dealing with my weight, gave me the push to deal with everything else. When I started feeling better about myself, I started dealing with things, instead of pushing them to the side. I raised my standards. I expected more from myself - on every single level.
You can over think this thing to death (literally). At some point you just have to take ACTION. Make the decision to do this once and for all, NO MATTER WHAT and permanently. Make the decision, make the ensuing commitment and than formulate a plan, tweaking it, customizing and making it your own.
We ALL have the ability to lose the weight. We are all capable of it. Make that commitment, be willing to what's necessary and transform your life on more levels than you could possibly imagine.
Last edited by rockinrobin; 07-17-2010 at 09:39 AM.
sort of along the lines of what Eliana is saying, and interestingly other threads have popped up about compulsive shopping/spending, I can jumble those things, weight loss and finances/spending. Then the stress of the two mixes together and makes me feel like I can't move forward or make progress in either category. that out of control feeling can become a blanket. then I think the "I don't deserve to lose" comes as an after effect (rather than the other way around).
all those issues are separate things: procrastinating, budgeting, comfort eating, self esteem, depression(?). Sometimes working on one can spill over and help in other areas. Like overcoming procrastinating and exercising can alleviate depression, low self esteem, make tackling comfort eating easier and take away time from shopping!
I was in the same spot a couple days ago. My '01 Toyota Corolla has had it's check engine light on for about a year, my registration is 2 yrs off simply because I had no money (I am a single mom doing almost everything all on my own) I never wanted to ask my parents for help because they have already helped me so much (they actually paid my $1,600 security deposit to get myself and my daughters into our first apartment) so I have just been scooting around on bad tags, with a car that might just fall apart.
Apparently the car needed a new catalytic converter($500 just for parts in the state of California) I was devistated. Well needless to say $966 dollars and two years later I had all my fees paid to the dmv for bad registration and citations from the city for bad tags, now all I needed to do was smog the car and show proof of insurance. I decided to take the chance and smog the car because my check engine light somehow mysteriously shut itself off about 2 weeks ago. Though it should have failed the emissions test from the supposed bad cat. conv. it didn't! The emissions were perfect!
The car failed the smog because the check engine light shut itself off, and the computer needed to reset itself! So I somewhat happily shuffled my chubby tush to the DMV to show my insurance, and my smog (even though it had failed I was sure I'd get at least a month to correct the problem, and according to the smog tech I could bring the car back in 14 days and it would pass) Well, the CA DMV is a big group of jerks who like to torture you by waiting in their offices for long periods of time, only to tell you SORRY you are S.O.L.
She gave me a day pass after collecting my $700.(I had previously paid $299) to correct my smog. When I told her I couldn't get the smog re-done for 14 days, her reply was "Well you probably shouldn't drive the car than should you?" I smiled, thanked her and walked to my STILL illegal car. I procedded to yell, cry, throw a tantrum and generally have a meltdown. My boyfriend stared at me with his eye wide open (he's never seen me that distraught) The problem was that I could have been put in touch with someone who would have "passed" my car's smog test for the right price, but because I wanted to be an upright, and honest member of society I did the right thing and felt like I got butt raped. (Pardon my French) I ddn't feel hungry all day, but when I did I certainly didn't want to eat anything healthy, and I sure as **** didn't want to exercise...but I just told myself with everything going wrong with this car issue, why mess with what's going right?
I stuck with it and on day 6 I am happy to say I have lost 3 pounds total (I teeter tottered between losing and gaining the same pound for a couple days!) No matter what is going wrong in your life, and no matter how badly you want to give up and throw in the towel, stick with it because in the end you will feel better about yourself and sometimes that is the only thing in life you can feel good about!
I have felt this way quite a lot. Sometimes when I was even binging I'd think in my head, "take that!" It is weird to explain it. But it's all part of low self-esteem -- binging, overspending, compulsive behaviors. You try to turn to all these things to fix the hurt inside. But nothing can fix it except yourself.
anyone felt like they don't deserve to lose?
My dear brother is a severe alcoholic...same personality, different ways of dealing with it.
And that stresses me out! But when I'm on a financial kick, then the weight loss slides. I think soon the time will come that I can balance both at the same time, but I'm not there yet.
I've was just there the other day...
