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Old 05-31-2010, 12:53 PM   #11
MissKelly's Avatar
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 447

S/C/G: 305/see ticker/180

Height: 5'8-1/2


Vladadog & Lori Bell: Instead of going to buy Twinkies after my last post last night, I went to do some laps in the pool instead. Although smashing Twinkies sounds entertaining, cleaning up the mess doesn't. Then what I am do to, smash my next cream? (that's really a mess I want no part of). I can't walk around life with a baseball bat, lol. I know my son meant well with "feel better for the moment" theory, but it's much more simple to envision than do.

Lori Bell, it's comforting to me to know that it's something in part that keeps you motivated & on track, "never forgetting" long term as opposed to taking it for granted and making a slide backward. Perhaps the feeling is then just a symptom of "hitting bottom" ...a feeling I've been looking at with peripheral actual positive, I've mistaken for a negative.

Forgiving myself, I can fully do one day. When fully and truly? No clue. Forgetting and dismissing the disgusted disappointment I have in myself, I cannot. I will not ever forget. I was killing myself, a slow suicide. It's not ok to kill someone else with intent and it was certainly not ok to attempt it on myself. No one can ever convince me otherwise. Having been living as the 'walking dead' with the hurts, scrutiny, judgments, cocooning myself socially, hating on myself, rejection and fears I encountered & acquired since getting oh man....the emotional baggage I have to work through.

But you know what, I'll admit this & I might have already here in the forums....I used to be the sort of in shape person who really looked down on fat people...just like some people have with me since getting this way. One thing good I have learned through this...even though I still hate fatness itself and forever will....I've developed a little more empathy toward the the very feeling person inside the fatness ...but not so much the excuses or justifications.

And I am OK, not in a poor or decaying mindset...just have many thoughts floating in my head that I am recognizing and coming to terms with. I just hope others have gone or are going through the same feelings and thoughts know that all the thoughts and feelings is just a normal part of the process helps bunches.

Oh! PS. Twinkies weren't my thing. Mozzarella Sticks, ice cream and brownies were. Have no idea why my son suggested Twinkies, never even bought them for him & I haven't had one since I was about 15. Ha.....

Before/After here:

Last edited by MissKelly; 05-31-2010 at 12:58 PM.
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