[LovebirdsFlying]

My sister is married to a man in prison. He was in when she married him, but what is worse is that he was out when they met. Out, as in escaped. He'd given her a false name and a false personal history. The truth came out later. Amazingly, she stood by him, helped him hide from police until they finally captured him, and married him after he was put back in. She does nothing but defend the man, with excuses such as "they miscalculated his time and he should have been out anyway," and "it wasn't a violent crime," garbage like that. Personally, I don't care what he was/is in for; we all make mistakes, some worse than others. What I have no respect for is the running. Or her helping him run.

He's made it known that when he is out of prison, he wants to relocate himself, my sister, and my nephew (not his son) to a remote rural location. Isolate her, in other words. Cut her off from friends and family.

Why? So he can treat her any old way he wants to? That's what abusers do. They like to get their victims out in the boondocks, away from support.

I think he only married her believing it would help him get out sooner, especially since she's been so vocal in standing up for him, trying to find loopholes and such And once he is legitimately out, he'll have no need to run any more. She won't be spending the assistance checks that should have supported her son on ways to help him hide. What will he do to her when he doesn't "need" her any more? And will she stay blind to the signs, or open her eyes in time to get out?

The anger toward my mother comes in here. I mentioned in another thread that her conversations with me somehow always end up being about diet and weight loss? Well, apparently she has the same loathing toward my sister. In sheer disbelief, after their wedding, my grandmother asked my mother why in the world she would willingly drive her daughter to prison to marry a recaptured inmate. My mother answered that my sister "doesn't have a pleasing shape."

Do I need to translate? "She's so fat she can't do any better, so she might as well marry him."

You wouldn't believe how many shades of red I'm seeing. *I* certainly did better than him!

WHY do people persist in thinking fat people can't have good relationships?

[nelie]

I assume your sister is an adult and make choices for herself. Often fighting against someone's relationship will just back fire and further separate them from you. You have obviously voiced your disapproval with your sister, I'd probably just let it be.

[kaplods]

I know what you mean about people expecting a fat girl to "settle" for whoever will take her.

Over the years my mom was always badgering me that I had to "hurry up and lose the weight," so I could get married and make grand kids.

In my mid 20's, she began telling me I had to stop being so "picky." I stopped telling her about the guys I was dating, because she'd say some version of "you're not going to find better."

I kept saying "I'd rather be single forever, than be with a man doesn't make my life better."

Finally my mom came around, paroting me (You don't need a man to be happy. Well thanks Ma, I've only been telling you that for almost two decades). Ironically, it wasn't long before I met my now hubby.

I think my family thinks I "settled," because my hubby is a big guy, was a couple years younger, had a slightly lower paying job and hadn't finished college (I have an MA in psych), and he was a little rough around the edges. I knew he was the one when I realized he's the only person I've ever met with an equally evil sense of humor. The truth was he met or exceeded all of the qualities I was looking for (except one, which was almost a deal-breaker. He smoked and I was very allergic. I knew he was a keeper when he quit smoking for me. He's relapsed occasionally, but when he does he'll shower as soon as he gets into the house and brush his teeth).

I know my mom was just wanting "normal" lives for her daughters (she married at 19). My much, much thinner sister is 30, single and my mom is pushing her the same way - even pushing her to lose weight and saying the same "you won't find a guy unless you lose the weight" (she's hippy and could lose a few pounds, but she's a size 12 for goodness sake).

I cringe, because it's the same stuff I heard (but I was mobidly obese, so she at least had a point for me. The last time I was a woman's size 12 was probably 4th or 5th grade).

Parents I think play out their own insecurities, or the role they played with their own mothers, and the stuff just comes right out of their mouth before they realize what it really means.

[LovebirdsFlying]

Kaplods, you might be right about their own insecurities. My mother is *always* moaning about how fat she is, and she's a size 12/14.

And she once told me she was embarrassed to be seen with me in public, because she was afraid the fact that I have weight issues reflects on her as a mother. People would judge her by my size.

*shakes head*

PS: But my family tends to think I scored big in this relationship, because my hubby is the only man in the family who does not drink excessively, has never even tried drugs, has never been arrested, has had the same steady career for 25 years, owns his home, knows how to manage finances, has never been on public assistance, and has no mental health issues. Yes, that's right, the only man any of our family knows who meets ALL of that description. And I got him.

How? Because I wouldn't stop until I found him. I refused to keep believing I only qualify for creeps, because I'm fat.

[lizziep]

i can completely understand your fears for your sister as well as your anger toward your mother. and i think both are appropriate!

i am in a similar situation with my sis in law. i just can't believe how it seems she is going out of her way to ruin her life! and wants us to help her. i don't even know where to begin to tell her how i feel much less if i even should. it's a really delicate balance of what you can and can't say to a family member...

guess what it comes down to is once she knows how you feel, not supporting it in any way (i.e. letting her come complain to you about ANYTHING when it comes to him, etc) and at the same time being there for her when she comes to her senses.

[Viviane]

LovebirdsFlying,
It's great that you recognize how twisted your mother's thinking is. Someday she may realize that her parenting probably did have something to do with your weight issues. I know it doesn't help the relationship now, but that's something she has to come to on her own. A mother who thinks that her daughter's weight should determine their ability to find a quality partner has some seriously questionable priorities. I hope you don't spend much time around that toxic line of thinking.

And...if you'll allow me to give some unsolicited advice...Unless this man is a physical danger to your sister or her kids, there's not much you can do (if he is, call your local child welfare office at the first sign). Put your energies into building your relationship with your sister so she has a soft place to land when she realizes the mistake she's made, if she ever does.

Good luck with the family drama, I know it's hard. Don't let it prevent you from taking care of you.

[LovebirdsFlying]

Resurrecting this thread to make a correction and add additional thoughts. Note to mods: Maybe it might be a good idea to change the title of the thread to something like "Can fat women get good husbands?" That's really the direction I was heading down, not so much the emphasis on my sister being married to a...

Well anyway.

Correction: I am NOT the only woman in the family to marry a man who meets all of the criteria that my husband meets. My aunt scored one too. They have been married since 1974. Other than these two, I think that's absolutely it. Even the men blood-related to me tend to be alcoholics or drug users, or have mental health problems, at least minor arrest records, etc.

My aunt is slender, and unlike the majority of the family, always has been. Ironically, the reason for the anomaly is that SHE is the one with the health problems. In plain language, her heart tends to beat too fast, and that keeps her weight down. She is the only woman I can think of on either side of the family who has never been anywhere close to overweight. This aunt is on my mother's side; if my father's side of the family had a reunion and I attended, I would find myself among the slimmest women there. Genetics?

So I'm reasonably certain that my mother thought her younger sister's body had something to do with her getting a good, stable husband, while my mother herself kept landing abusive alcoholic after abusive alcoholic. Her present husband is her eighth, and yes he's an alcoholic, although he doesn't abuse her as others have done. I doubt she loves him. They sleep in separate beds, separate rooms, different floors of the house. My cynicism tells me she stays with him because he has a good pension.

Since 1974 my mother has seen her slim sister in a successful marriage, while her not-fat-but-not-slim self failed repeatedly. I grew up fat, and failed at marriage too. The one I finally succeeded at is my fifth. I suppose this is where my mother got the idea that a woman has to be slim to land a decent husband.

I blew that myth wide open when I married mine. However, this was some time *after* my sister married her husband, so I guess my mother hadn't had a chance to re-think her belief. It hadn't yet been challenged.

[Ruthxxx]

Done!
We never sleep!

[LovebirdsFlying]

Originally Posted by Ruthxxx

Done!
We never sleep!

Wow, that was fast! (I don't sleep either. At least when I'm supposed to.)

[Jesszika]

I dunno.. I would like to believe that fat women, as long as they're "good women" can score a good guy. Love is a mysterious and beautiful thing, and everyone is entitled to it.

[nelie]

Originally Posted by Jesszika

I dunno.. I would like to believe that fat women, as long as they're "good women" can score a good guy. Love is a mysterious and beautiful thing, and everyone is entitled to it.

I think it has more to do with believing in yourself than anything else.

Also, I really wouldn't emphasize husbands because is the goal really to be married? I mean, I am married but I never thought I would be because I didn't want to be married prior to meeting my husband.

also what about those that can't get married legally? I think it is more, can fat women find good partners? The answer is yes.

[Palestrina]

Being overweight has nothing to do with getting a guy or not. It's all about confidence. A confident woman can get anything she wants because she has belief in herself and respect for herself and ultimately that's what "good men" are attracted to. On the other hand "bad men" prey on women with low-self esteem.

There is something else that's important to understand as well. A person has the right to choose not to be with an obese partner. I've always been plump but when I started piling on the pounds early in our marriage my husband had some real concerns for my health and the health of the children we're trying to conceive. I understand him perfectly, I certainly don't want to pass on obesity to my children.

I don't by any means condone discrimination against overweight people. But when it comes to making a family, a person has the right to choose a partner they want to live a healthy lifestyle with.

[Viviane]

Originally Posted by Wannabeskinny

A person has the right to choose not to be with an obese partner. I've always been plump but when I started piling on the pounds early in our marriage my husband had some real concerns for my health and the health of the children we're trying to conceive. I understand him perfectly, I certainly don't want to pass on obesity to my children.

I don't by any means condone discrimination against overweight people. But when it comes to making a family, a person has the right to choose a partner they want to live a healthy lifestyle with.

I completely agree with you. I would never leave my DH if he became obese, but it would be concerning. And I would be most concerned for our (future) children. I wouldn't want there to be such an increased chance of them losing their daddy too soon. That's why we're working so hard together to be healthy- for me it's 50/50 about weight and health, for him it's totally about health (but, he's never had an issue with weight). We want to be as physically and emotionally healthy as possible before we bring kids into this world.

[WarMaiden]

Well, one "good man" (handsome, well-employed, smart, college-educated, good dad, faithful) married me when I weighed about 200 pounds in 1991, and another "good man" (handsome, extremely smart, college-educated, awesome dad, hardworking, loyal to the max), married me when I weighed about 240 pounds in 1998. And the fact that my first marriage ended in divorce can be mostly attributed to me, not him.

Since my junior year in high school I have never lacked for male companionship for very long, and I've been at least "overweight" since high school. Sometimes the guys I wanted didn't want me, and sometimes good guys wanted me that I didn't want. Sometimes it just didn't work out, one way or another.

Being a fat woman absolutely does not doom us to being lonely, or having to settle.

[Jesszika]

Originally Posted by nelie

I think it has more to do with believing in yourself than anything else.

Also, I really wouldn't emphasize husbands because is the goal really to be married? I mean, I am married but I never thought I would be because I didn't want to be married prior to meeting my husband.

also what about those that can't get married legally? I think it is more, can fat women find good partners? The answer is yes.

I agree--good partners is a better way to phrase it.