[FreeBird3]

I will most likely get grilled by many people on this message board for expressing my views in this post. Here goes…

I’m one of those people that gets jealous/envious when a coworker/friend/family member loses weight and goes from ‘’flab to fab’’ so to speak. There, I admitted it. I know it’s my problem. I have a coworker that was much bigger than me when we first started working together 3 years ago. Now she has dropped the weight and went from a size 16 to a size 4. Yes, I’m jealous. Instead of her weight loss motivating me, I find myself loathing her and eating unhealthy foods instead. Also, I find myself secretly hoping she gains back some, if not all, of the weight...or that another aspect of her life goes down the toilet. Like I said, I know it's my issue.

I’m a 30-something year old, financially independent grown woman, yet I know that I’m behaving childishly for comparing myself to all these women in my life who have lost the weight and look great while I have either gained some weight or remained at the same weight. I am definitely considered ‘’the fat one’’ out of my group of peers. I no longer have someone in my social circle that I can secretly say to myself ‘’Well, I’m not slender, but at least I’m not the fattest one out of the group, so I’m okay.’’

In elementary school, I would compare myself to pretty and slender Jessica. In middle school, I would compare myself to pretty and slender Jaymie and Melissa. In high school, I would compare myself to the pretty and slender popular girls…etc etc. When I graduated college and started my first job, there was a woman my age by the name of Carly. She was definitely much bigger than me, but the she started working out and lost the weight. I was very jealous of her successful weight loss efforts. As for today, at my current job, I find myself being jealous of Chrissy’s weight loss. She looks amazing! This should motivate me, but it doesn’t.

How do you go from being the green-eyed monster to focusing on your own self, focusing on your own weight loss program, and actually sticking to your own weight loss program in order to lose weight? I’ve had this unhealthy weight loss comparison mentality ever since I was a little girl and was told to start dieting because I was considered fat compared to other girls. How did you break the cycle of being jealous/envious of others and get yourself to lose the weight instead of wasting mental energy on jealousy?

[mortonpixie]

I understand your jealousy. I constantly compare myself to others. I take on to many tasks, work to hard and hold myself to a way higher standard than I ever would anyone else. And a higher standard than is normally humanly possible.

How do I focus on my self? That's a tough question. Commonly, I just work so fast and furious that I have little time to look around. That being said - it takes constant effort. In the gym - she's younger and trimmer than me (can I do anything about it? Younger - no. Trimmer - working on it!) On the trail - she's faster than me. Someone always will be.

I mostly operate on the assumption, now, that someone will always be "_____-er" than me. Smarter, richer, thinner, faster, healthier. But I'm stubborn and highly driven. So my goal is to make sure there are fewer and fewer of those that are "better" and more and more folks sucking wind behind me.

YOU must work. There is NO pill. There is NO easy way out. Sounds like you're almost mad enough to make it work. Re-focus that irritation from others and their success to yourself and your lack of effort.

Anyway - that's what I had to do for myself. Sorry if I sound gruff - I'm not a real hearts and flowers kida gal. Works for me.

[MeghanMG]

Good Morning!

Well, you said it a few times in your post, you know its "you". I think its almost natural to be jealous of someone who has acheived a goal that you so badly want for yourself. But, wishing someone to gain all the weight back or something else to fall apart in their life isn't the way to go.

You know the saying, miserly loves company? I think that might describe this situation. Is there something else that has really bothered you, or something that happened to you that made you gain weight? Im thinking maybe there is another issue, other than your weight that makes you feel this way.

BTW, kuddos to you for being so honest with how you feel! I think admitting to a problem is the first step in getting over it.

Imagine yourself in their shoes, you've lost all this weight, and then you over hear a coworker saying that she wishes you would gain it all back? I bet it would be frustrating, because it takes A LOT of work to loose this weight.

How about talking to your coworker and ask her what her secret is? You can tell her that its difficult for you, and maybe she has some good advice.

We all know how hard this journey is, and getting support is so important. The feelings you have for these skinny women, has it maybe hindered your attempts at loosing weight?

All I can say is maybe take a look at your life as a whole, and see what is making you unhappy, and then work on changing those things. You'll get there honey! Just don't give up!

[Ija]

I, too, think it's natural to feel some jealousy when someone accomplishes something that you're struggling to achieve, and negative feelings can be augmented if the successful one develops an arrogant or condescending attitude. It's really tough, but you have to learn to focus on yourself, your own journey, your own issues, and remind yourself that everyone's situation is different. Some people are lucky to have supportive partners and families, easy access to healthy food, ample time to cook and exercise, and be unaffected by depression, binge eating, and other psychological disorders. For others, the hurdles may be higher. But your struggle is all your own. Keep the focus on you and your health, and let everyone else move along their own paths

[Amarantha2]

I wouldn't worry too much about those kinds of negative feelings, they'll disappear over time. Sounds pretty human to me!

Just focus on your own journey as much as possible and all will be well.

[yossarianlives]

It's a very basic, primal instinct to want another woman to be fatter, uglier, etc, than you. You want *you* to look the best! I wouldn't stress.

My supervisor at work has kind of befriended me and has told me that she is losing weight too. I am not happy about that... but I use the energy from that to spur me on.

Maybe you could think about losing the weight, so that someone else can be as envious of you? Honestly, it's something that you have to figure out yourself.

Just remember, never apologise for being human...

[mamaspank]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. Competitiveness has been a driving force for me all my life, whether it is with myself or with others. Everyone has that amazing looking friend that they would kill to be as skinny as. If that is what has kept me in check with my own weight, so be it.

[belezura]

I heard ya!!! and I can understand and tell you that one day I was on your shoes (we are all humans after all), until I decided I wanna be the one that someone would be jealous about.
So I used that feeling to work for me instead against me...
Today I am the one who lost weight and might be the one others are jealous about... and when I was reading your post, that just made me that more motivated about it.
You can also switch that feeling inside you to make it work for you. I still jealous of other people, but now that just make me work even harder to try be the best I can be.
Just think about who you want to be (the one who is jealous of people, or the one other people will be jealous of)
I think once you turn things around it will be easier to keep it that way... and the more results you get the more motivated you are.

[Eliana]

Yeah, I don't think you'll get slammed, not here. Jealousy is certainly a very normal thing.

I focus on myself most of the time, but jealousy certainly does rear its ugly head. It's at those times that I try to remind myself that I hope to be whatever size by whatever time, so just keep going. I can't snap my fingers and make myself thin. It's just not going to happen.

Also, I feel much better about myself when I am actively DOING something about this. I feel much less jealousy then.

[FreeBird3]

Thanks for the support! I really thought folks were going to tear me apart for wishing a former fat person would become fat again due to my own insecurities.

In terms of using the mentality of competiting with Chrissy (a.k.a the current woman I am comparing myself against on a physical appearence basis), isn't it actually an unhealthy mind-set to lose the weight in order to get her jealous? I don't know if I am stating this clearly on the message board, but it seems like I would be (more) mentally unheathly if I selected a particular person and said "Okay, my goal is to get as small, if not smaller, than HER!''. There is something unhealthy about it, don't you think? It would most likely make me lose the weight, but I think it wouldn't make me actually break the bad mental cycle of constantly comparing myself to Chrissy or whomever. You see, that's the thing....I want to end the cycle of being fixated on a particular person in terms of using that person as some sort of baseline of how I should look.

Again, I don't know if I'm making any clear sense, but I do appreciate you ladies telling me that what I'm feeling is natural and human.

[astrophe]

I think what you feel is not unheard of but how to break it for you is something only you can answer.

I think you have more going on and jealousy is just the surface emotion.

I have a coworker that was much bigger than me when we first started working together 3 years ago. Now she has dropped the weight and went from a size 16 to a size 4. Yes, I’m jealous. Instead of her weight loss motivating me, I find myself loathing her and eating unhealthy foods instead. Also, I find myself secretly hoping she gains back some, if not all, of the weight...or that another aspect of her life goes down the toilet. Like I said, I know it's my issue.

Like, ok, feel jealous. Nobody can help their feelings. They just feel what they feel when they feel it.

But why eat in response? Why not just feel the jealousy and let it be felt? Why are you trying to stuff the jealous feeling away?

In terms of using the mentality of competiting with Chrissy (a.k.a the current woman I am comparing myself against on a physical appearence basis), isn't it actually an unhealthy mind-set to lose the weight in order to get her jealous?

Yes. I think losing weight just to make Chrissy jealous is not healthy. It is also pointless.

If you are losing weight to somehow "one up" Chrissy... you assume she cares and will be jealous in return when you "beat" her. What goes on inside her own head is her deal. She might be jealous, she may be happy for you... etc.
What would you get if Chrissy doesn't notice at all? Or moves to another job mid effort?

Do you take pride in your fitness effort and you taking care of you, or do you slam yourself for not getting the response you were after -- the "Chrissy is jealous of me"?

It would seem that you base your self esteem on external variables (ex: how other people look compared to you) rather than internal valuation of yourself/skills. I would put this as the problem, not the jealousy. I think the jealousy is an expression of the deeper problem.

Not trying to be mean... just trying to understand a foreign viewpoint. So back to this...

How do you go from being the green-eyed monster to focusing on your own self, focusing on your own weight loss program, and actually sticking to your own weight loss program in order to lose weight? How did you break the cycle of being jealous/envious of others and get yourself to lose the weight instead of wasting mental energy on jealousy?

I think you may have to do some self-esteem work so that it isn't based on other people but on you yourself and your skills. Then perhaps you can focus on your own program and stick to it. If you base your self esteem on other people and how they are doing, it seems distracting. You keep looking away from your program to see how you are doing rather than looking at your own work.

If you were taking a test, it would be like checking all the other people in the room to see if you were done yet rather than at your own test.

Hope that makes sense.

GL!

A.

[CarbsAreEvil]

I really understand how you feel. I'm so competitive, to the point I can't even hear about someone else without comparing myself. I don't know how to get past it, but I do know how to use it as fuel and that's what I do.

[Glory87]

It would be too exhausting to be jealous of everyone else for all the things I wish I had. There is always going to be someone that is: thinner, has a more beautiful body, has great hair, pretty blue eyes, shorter, taller, has more money, has adorable kids, is smarter, can parallel park, has a better nose, can grow long finger nails, can whistle, can sketch, is famous, has a cool car, has an iPad, has a prettier house, is good at decorating, has a SO that loves to dance, likes to work out....

Where would it end?

[kaplods]

I think we have alot more control over our emotions and thoughts than we often give ourselves credit for. The impulse may be involuntary, but we can learn to change the impulse and we do have a choice as to whether we "feed" the unhealthy emotions and thoughts.

I'm not criticising your internal monologue. Only you know if the thoughts and emotions are impacting negatively upon your life. If you're spending a lot of time comparing yourself to others (and you always come up short) and wishing ill on other people, I'd say you may want to try changing, just so you can be happier. Life is to short to wish misery on yourself or anyone else. Because even "revenge" thoughts tend to be positive or neutral only for a very short time, then they tend to become damaging (and more to you than the other person who usually as no idea how you're feeling, and you probably want it that way).

How do you change? There are a lot of ways to modify internal dialogue (there are tons of self-help books on the topic), but I think the simplest is talking to yourself. I do it all the time (usually silently).

I tell myself all the time "Colleen, you're being silly......"

I can talk myself out of poor choices, including the mental ones.


My best advice is to go for practicality - not guilt. You don't need to beat up on yourself for being "bad," you want to go for treating yourself with respect. Tell yourself what you'd tell your best friend,

something like "wishing her fat doesn't help me any. I don't need to envy someone else to feel good, I'm a great person because...."

instead of "wishing her fat makes me a horrible person, I'm evil. Why can't I be happy for her, I'm just so petty. Why do I always do this...."


I'm not saying this has been your internal dialog (but it has been mine).


It took me decades to learn that weight loss works best for me, when I'm doing it for self-pampering not self-punishing reasons. Though I still sometimes have to remind myself of that. I really have (for the most part) learned to usually choose to care very little about what "other people" are doing (except as inspiration for cool ways to treat myself better).

So it's "I want that for myself too," instead of "I don't want her to have it, because I don't."

Again, I'm not saying that it isn't entirely "normal" to feel resentment, envy, jealously..... but when they start hurting me I have to find ways to get rid of them. It's entirely "normal" to eat junk and overeat and be overweight, but that kind of "normal" isn't working for me, so I have to change it. The same goes for my internal behavior, if it's hurting me (or others which usually comes back to hurting me anyway) then I need to change it.

I've found the internal dialog easier to change than I expected. I'm not saying it is easy, it's just that it's very doable, and you don't have to pull in guilt or shame to do it. Just practicalit reasoning, realizing and acting upon the discovery that "I do best when I think this way....." and finding the things that help me think that way. It may be messages I tell myself. It might be things I do to distract myself...

[MidgieMonroe]

I think it's great that you have identified that emotion. I have a relative I feel this way with. I tend to be jealous of everything about her. I love her to death and she's wonderful. While she was visiting recently, she was watching what she ate and all I wanted to do was hide inside myself.

I think that the first step is identifying those feelings. Of course, that's the easy part. The second part is understanding that while natural, they aren't very helpful. The third part is turning that energy into something else. I'm going to start Wii boxing whenever I get mad/frustrated/jealous.

Maybe try harnessing your energy into something. Crafting, writing, playing, anything that helps get your attention away from those feelings.