I am a naturally depressed person with a lot working against me to NOT lose weight. It doesn't help that my relationship is sad.
We are both way too much. We don't even sleep in the same room which is fine by me. We're not attracted to each other anyway. When he's not at work he's with his friends or family or his room. This leaves me alone. no friends or family san 1 baby. Only I clean the house and apparently only I really care about me. I tell him how sad he makes me when he goes out to see a movie with his friend since I of course need to watch the baby how sad I am that I am the only one repairing and cleaning the house and washing his clothes. No one helps me, or calls me. No one cares about me. So to say sorry he brings me home junk food. I don't even go to the store anymore so he brings home fats food salads. Ok, they're salads but it's only because I'm allergic to bread.
I feel that every time I "whine" or "complain" all i get is a stupid sundae and it's not good because I am terribly addicted to sugar. I don't want a sundae I want a friend
I want someone to talk to. Yes, I have had the serious sit down talks with him and I get the standard guy I know I'll do better and he doesn't.
He promised to help clean yesterday. He didn't. I called him out on it. He said yeah in 10 minutes I'm coming out to clean (he text messages me from his room to the living room where I sit alone all day every day watching the baby jump in her jumperoo). He didn't the next day he decided to go play music with his friends... but it's early don't worry. Home by 6 is what I thought. By 7pm I am on my third room mopping and I tell him it's over and he gets all upset. I honestly don't care. We can live together, share expenses. I have no emotions about it at all after a decade. I got it. It's just me in this world but don't pretend I have anything else not even a friend in this person.
So at 10pm he shows up with a milkshake. 900 calories. Most likely more since they splurge at this particular place. It's embarrassing because he brings his friend in like to corroborate where he's been. I don't care where he's been. He doesn't get it. I was soo embarrassed this guy is standing here with me and my milkshake oozing over the couch. He leaves because his friend doesn't own a car. He'll be back in 2 hours and then to bed I'm sure a fake forehead kiss on the way there and an I'm sorry and he'll forget how depressed I am.
The other day I confided how VERY depressed I was tough I wouldn't kill myself due to stuff. He brought me home food and drank a beer and went to his room. He made me all better by feeding me right?
I get "you're just hungry" or you just need a depression pill" (he pulled that one tonight). No amount of happy pills is going to make me like this guy. No I don't have the funds to move out and I don't have the willpower to date anyway and at least this way his child gets to see him every day for 10 minutes when he heads to the kitchen.
I do not need a milkshake when I'm sad, I need a friend. It's making me mad. Actually I'm too sad in general to be mad. I just don't need the temptation here. When I'm stressed it would be nice if he sat his butt out here and watched the baby so I could take a shower. He thinks of big vacations he can go on (without me of course) I just want a damn shower and a nap.. alone.. without little feet wedged into my sciatica. Not that she doesn't have wonderfully strong cute feet. Just hurts sometimes.
I feel like a pet. I wimper and I get a french fry. I beg for a hug I get turtles. And you know what... I eat them. I have no one to blame but myself when I eat them. I could hide them. I could toss them. I stopped buying food pretty much so really nothing here to eat and here he comes with a mcdonalds salad which I'm sure is loaded in calories grilled chicken or not.
so I'm not completely blaming him I am just doing what I do best and whining. I almost made it to 200 and I gained it ALL back 4 months ago. (didn't help they changed my metformin and thyroid). I feel like a loser and I can't find my will to lose weight but I need to or I am afraid I'll die on this baby and that's not very forgivable.
I beg him to lose weight because I don't want him to die and I know he has has blood pressure at a low weight and he's 100 pounds too much. He says ok and expects me to cook for him but when I do he "forgets" it or it's too hard or whatever and he doesn't stick to it.
I gave him a look to bugger off with his friend and i bet he comes home with mcdonalds despite this 1k calorie drink i just sucked down mindlessly.
Thanks for letting me whine.