[bumponalog]

Are you/ were you scared? When you started this journey, this new WOL, was a small part of you terrified? Or is it just me?

I want to do this. I need to do this. I have to do this. I will do this. However, there is a portion of me that is terrified. I've always been big. I've always been the 'fat friend', the 'funny chubby girl'. I make jokes at my own expense, refer to myself as the 'fat girl'.......it's a part of who I am, and I'm not sure I know how to change that. I don't know who I am without the fat. I realize that this is really screwed up, but it's who I am and I'm gonna have to deal with it sooner or later. I've realized that I do this....I use my fat....my food...my obesity to keep people at a distance. I can be funny, the walking joke, the asexual bundle of jolliness. In short, I'm a year round version of Santa Claus. I'm the one who is always in a good mood, nothing really upsets me (that I show), I can talk myself out of being angry with anyone...because honestly.....I'm afraid that if I were in a crabby mood.....got angry...whatever....people wouldn't think I was worth it. Yah know...wonder why they should worry about upsetting me or angering me...it's 'just Crystal'.........

Before I ramble any further, I'll just cut it off here. In short, I guess I'm worried that these self esteem issues of mine will be my downfall. Does any of the above make sense? Does anyone/did anyone feel the same way? How are you/ did you deal with it?

Or am I even more screwed up than I realize?

[CLCSC145]

Those are very real very common emotions. I was thin from birth to about age 12, but I'm 38 now so I think I almost qualify as having been big my entire life. And I do identify with your comments. I really think my personality developed the way it largely because I was fat. I'm a people pleaser, I listen to everyone else's problems and never share my own, always pleasant to keep from rocking the boat, and quick to apologize even when the issue wasn't my fault to keep everyone happy.

I actually started seeing a therapist before I started losing weight this time and this is something we're working on. I'm learning to stand up for myself and express my feelings. It's not comfortable, but necessary. And I think it's normal to be scared of losing the weight. So many of our thought patterns are built around being the fat person, it can feel unsettling to have that safety blanket be gone. It's definitely something you need to think about - who do you want to be? Regardless, getting rid of the weight is so important to your health that it's worth every bit of emotional discomfort you'll experience. Surround yourself with good people who give good advice (like 3FC!) and you'll get through it.

P.S. -

[sprklemajik]

You aren't screwed up. I think a lot of us face these issues, I know I've been trying to do it. I feel extremely uncomfortable with people actually seeing me instead of just the fat girl. I'm 50 lbs down now and everyone talking about how great I look still makes me blush and look for a corner.

Here's the thing. I'm worth it. You're worth it. I want to be healthy, I don't have to get skinny or hot - truthfully the sagging skin isn't all that great (but has firmed up lately). I feel better. I feel more like me.

You'll get there. It will be tough.

[Aclai4067]

Originally Posted by bumponalog

the asexual bundle of jolliness.

OMG I so feel like this.

I have to say the thing I was most scared of is failing, again. But I've realized I can't fail if I don't give up, and at this point I refuse to give up. I don't think losing weight will make me any less that person who never gets mad at anybody. I think that issue will stick with me. And you won't be any less funny, but hopefully less asexual (which is kinda terrifying and great at the same time). Just dive right into your weight loss and you can sort out the questions of who you are without fat as you go along. I think you'll find you're still pretty great without fat!

[junebug41]

I think it's perfectly natural. In a sense you're making the choice to change your identity. Now it may not be all of your identity, but (sadly) for me, being "the fat friend with the pretty face and the girl that never missed a meal" was how the world viewed me (I assumed).

Naturally, when I lost weight that all changed. That big part of my identity changed. Before I began this journey and I would daydream about my life as a thin person and it terrified me. I would be without that "cushion", so to speak.

What I found when I began my journey was that I was so excited and happy in this new life, this new skin, that the fear lifted. It was quite freeing

[thistoo]

As everybody else has said, what you're feeling is totally normal and natural, but more importantly, it's surmountable. You *can* get past your fears and get to a happier, healthier place in your life.

I think, despite my frustration at how slowly my weight has come off (I've been working on this steadily since June 2006 and I'm still not at goal) in some respects I'm lucky because the slow loss has given me time to adjust to the new me emerging. I don't know if that makes any sense, but what I mean is that I've had more time than someone who reaches goal faster to adjust to the image in the mirror, to adjust to looks from other people, etc.

I still struggle a lot with my self-esteem, don't get me wrong. Taking it slow has given me the time to work stuff out, sure, but that doesn't mean I've worked everything out by any means. There's a reason we all gained this extra weight, after all. Taking it off makes us vulnerable in a lot of ways, which is scary. Right now I'm focusing on strength (both inner and outer) for exactly that reason.

[salsa chip]

Hi there! I'm Salsa, and I am your twin.

Really I know how you feel; when I started about five months ago I had exactly the same. It's a bit better now, but there are days....well, you know. I was terrified and bewildered at the enormity of the task, but also at the fact that despite my reservations...my body was indeed losing the weight.

I, personally, am pretty screwed up, and my weight is definitely a part of that. But I'm also kind of learning (I'm in therapy at the moment) that everyone's screwed up, in their own way

[gloo]

You're not screwed up at all. Whether someone has been big and gets small or vice versa, you're changing the way you and others perceive you physically. There's a lot of comfort in just knowing how people will react and how you'll feel about yourself. I think this comes with any big life change and isn't specific to weight.

I was the brunette who dyed her hair blonde, I was the party girl who isn't anymore. Even seemingly little things tie themselves to our identity, and moving out of our comfort zone in any capacity can be a challenging thing. I think the most important thing to remember is that there's no wrong way to feel. I also think you'll find that as you trim down, your confidence will build and your old image of yourself won't matter quite as much.

I've been both skinny and fat, and aside from feeling absolutely slamming in clothes as a thinner person I never found my self esteem to shift all that much. I know I'm a good, loving, smart and funny person, and that doesn't change with my waistline. If anything, like Aclai, the ting I'm most afraid of is failing.

As for the fat girl I've been for more years than I care to remember, I can't wait to give her a kiss and send her on her way. She's great and all, but it's time for me to say goodbye.

[ubergirl]

How you feel is very normal, and I think a lot of us could relate to that.

I viewed myself as fat from the time I was about nine years old. I really didn't develop a serious weight problem until I was much older, but I saw myself as fat and struggled with food from a very young age.

Over time, my big fear became fear of failure-- I had tried and failed so many times that it seemed so pointless to try again. But, underneath that, sure, there is the fear of shedding an identity.

And on top of that-- it took me SO LONG to convince myself that it was okay to be the way I was that losing weight actually seemed like a betrayal of that self. If I chose to lose weight then I was embracing what I FEARED others thought of me-- that being overweight was bad.

Finally I realized that being overweight WAS BAD... for me... and that I was only hurting myself.

I still have a VERY HARD time imagining what it would be like to be normal weight. I believe I will get there eventually, but I have a feeling I'll see myself as "the fat girl" for a very long time, if not forever.

[Goddess Jessica]

A friend of mine lost her butt. Seriously. She was always the big-butt girl and then she lost the weight she wanted to lose, she didn't have her butt anymore. She struggled with defining herself again. It was hard! Self-identity involves your physical body and if that changes, you've got to figure that self-identity out all over again.

Yes, it's scary. Absolutely. But it's also pretty fun!

[time2lose]

I understand and, as you see by these posts, you are not alone. I was not big when I was a child but I thought that I was. I have been obese all my adult life. It is scary but exciting getting smaller. I am still obese and wonder how I will handle it when I get to a normal size.

Post when you get scared, there will be plenty of us to talk about it.

[Michelle98272]

Originally Posted by Goddess Jessica

A friend of mine lost her butt. Seriously. She was always the big-butt girl and then she lost the weight she wanted to lose, she didn't have her butt anymore. She struggled with defining herself again. It was hard! Self-identity involves your physical body and if that changes, you've got to figure that self-identity out all over again.

Yes, it's scary. Absolutely. But it's also pretty fun!

Ooohh, I'd hate to lose my butt. My bellies (yes, I have two fat rolls, like some people have double chins) on the other hand is free to go!
My boobies and my butt are my friends, round and nicely shaped. My "butt in the front" belly is my arch nemesis. I do know what you mean though about losing whatever it is you identify with.


The the OP: I have always used my fat "asexual jolieness" as an excuse to not expect much out of relationships. I have had relationships and sex that comes with them, but I don't take much seriously in relationships because I think being the fat girl, I can't expect much. If I were thinner, I imagine I could score a better quality of relationship. See!! We are all pretty screwed up in our own ways.

[matt_H]

I've been big my entire life. I was the biggest kid in all my classes growing up and I don't think there was any point where I was a normal weight for people my age (I was nearly an 11 pound baby!).

I'm not very eloquent, but I can so identify with this post and I really thank you for posting it. I've bookmarked it so I can go back.

My entire identity is of the fat guy. I shyed away from social contacts and structured my entire life as a coping mechanism for dealing with my obesity.

As I've lost weight I'm really struggling with who I am. I'm still very much the awkward fat guy and there are lots of depressing things going on that because of this that is probably very emo.

I'm not dealing very well at the moment with the personal/ identity issues and am just focused as much as I can on losing weight and being healthy. Hopefully the other things will change or at least I'll reach a point where I feel like I can make the effort to make those changes without reverting back to my old ways.

[Mommato2]

I think it is completely normal to feel this way. Im right there with you...

I would be scared to loose my boobies =)

[PeanutsMom704]

I'm totally on the "everyone is screwed up in their own way" bench, and I think it's perfectly natural to be fearful of what not having that cushion of extra weight will mean.

I have no idea how I'll handle it when I get there - I started getting chubby around age 8 and by 6th grade I was "the fat friend." I've lost some weight before, but never got smaller than a size 16 and even that was for about a week before I went off track, and have yo-yo'd my way back up until I hit my all time high a couple of months ago and said no more.

I can't guarantee it's going to be an easy journey for you, but I can guarantee this this is an amazing place with lots of friends and support to help you when the going gets tough - from people going through what you are going through right now, and from those inspiring folks who have already gotten there.