I need major life advice ladies and I feel like I've exasperated all other sources of support but still need more.
I went out with my now ex-boyfriend for almost 2 years. We lived together for most of it. Our relationship was full of ups and downs but for the most part was full of love and support. He was very loving to me and made me feel really important and desired. Despite this love there were so many problems with our relationship… and although I don’t want to sound superior to him I will describe to you why I decided to end the relationship to benefit myself.
1) He has two children (I am 20, he is only 21.) Both children are with the same girl (she was 16 when she had the first) but he stated to me that they were never really in a relationship with one another and he was not sure how this all came to be (!!!!! This should have been reason enough not to get into the relationship but I was so wrapped up with the lovey dovey stuff that I let it go) He does not learn from his mistakes! I learned this from experience.
2) His family is completely opposite to mine. I was raised in a very loving, stable family and grew up with good values and morals which I still hold today. His parents were never married, hated each other so much that they would drop the kids off at a gas station and wait for the other to pick them up when it was visit days, and now mooch of their children because they don’t have jobs or money. They have no values or morals that I could see. His mother doesn’t recognize holidays with her kids and forgot about his birthday last year. Not to mention his sister and brother are people I would consider absolute screw ups. His brother has 4 DUI’s and will be going to jail this year and his sister who is 5 months younger than me is going to be having her third child this year whom will be entering foster care with the other two as soon as it is born.
3) Despite his love he was very controlling and would get really pissy when I would go out with friends or talk to members of the oppostite sex.
4) He constantly took advantage of me when it came to money. He has poor money management and I do not. I am good with my money, so at the end of the month when he had blown all he had I would cover the rent and wait to get payed back the following month but rarely ever did. As a starving student this is huge because I never had a lot of money to begin with and he was never reliable to pay his share. It plain sucked but because I was wrapped up in the love he gave me I blissfully ignored these blatent red flags! He also has almost 20,000 in consumer debt thus far, I have my student loans and that’s it! Big difference. He is not in school and does not plan to ever go to school, he is someone who seeks instant gratification in all he does, I work for what I want.
With all these things I constantly questioned in our relationship I finally decided to pull the plug in September and attempt to make a fresh start for myself. I am a third year university student with high hopes of entering med school after finishing my bachelor degree. I desire a family life like I had, and although I know that things don’t always work out perfectly I want to have kids with the man I love and not become an instant family with step kids at 20 years old. You get my drift.
So with all this stuff why do I feel so lonely and unwanted. I feel like I am never going to find this again and that I am going to be alone forever. I know all the reasons why there is someone much better out there for me but I just can’t see it now.
Bigger problem is that he is still contacting me on a semi-daily basis with friendly texts and phone calls. Then I kinda get wrapped up in this and make myself upset again when he acts like an ***. For example, yesterday he texts me… hey, how’s it going… I don’t respond… he then sends well WTF why are you not talking to me. I then text (while at school and busy) I don’t have the time or energy to waste on you (this is due to numerous rude and assanine conversations we’ve had in the past week) he then states… oh well Jen thinks I’m worth her time and effort! (Jen is a girl he is friends with and perhaps more… although not my business) but I know he said this just to get under my skin and upset me (does this not scream ******* to you!) I don’t respond and almost instantly after this text he sends a text apologizing for saying that and that he didn’t mean it!! (WTF!!!!) He acts like an a** everytime we talk and I always end up letting it get to me. I mean this conversation we had yesterday is still eating me up alive this morning!!!
I don’t know what exactly I need from this but I need valiadation that I am worth more than this and that its not gonna be like this forever. Any experience or insight would be so helpful ladies. Sorry for the book but it felt good to get it out!
Much love ladies, if you got this far you are a hero… since this was a long rant!!
Relationships can be so trying, and love is often blind but in my advice I would try to get him out of your life completely. While you can't necessarity judge someone by their family life, the other factors you mentioned are ingredients for a disaster. I think ending this relationship is a good thing, in the long run you will realize that it was critical for your success in everything from your love life to your schooling and to life in general. It can be VERY hard to get over someone you spend so much of your time with but take it from someone who's been in your shoes, things will get so much better. I hope this helped!
he then states… oh well Jen thinks I’m worth her time and effort! (Jen is a girl he is friends with and perhaps more… although not my business) but I know he said this just to get under my skin and upset me
Eh, I don't see why that has to get to you. I would find it the perfect opportunity to respond with, "Oh, that's really great! Now you'll stop bugging me. Tell Jen thanks!"
Julie- I want so badly to be able to say stuff like that to him. I say things like that in my head but then never actually say it to him. I just get so worried I am not gonna find anyone else who will ever love me again (I know this is so ridiculous, but I feel like it for some reason) First relationships/First break-ups are so hard
He sounds like he has a lot of baggage to deal with and you are an easy outlet to let him take out his frustrations and take advantage of.
I've been in crappy relationships before but not as extreme as the one you described. I think the best is to lean on people around you for support and let them know what's going on with you and x.
I always hear things about "psycho exes" so I think the more you lean on your immediate network the better. Be safe.
YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS. You sound like a great catch and any guy who got to date you should learn to appreciate that and NOT take you for granted.
His texts are just trying to manipulate you to care. Figure out what you miss.. is it him? or is it that feeling of being loved? If it's the latter.... know that there are plenty of great fish in the sea just waiting for you~ when the time is right.
I was in your shoes when I was exactly your age. Dated this guy that I was head over heels for. But our values were very, very different. But I loved him! (Or so I thought). And it was really tough to break up with him. I remember one of the hardest feelings was feeling like I had to start all over, and who knew if I would ever find it again (I did, for the record...and it is a BILLION times better than the relationship with the jerk!) I went on a date with my future husband about 9 months after my ex and I broke up and didn't look back.
Honestly, having been married for a few years now, some of the things you mention (money management, jealousy, etc) are really important to the success of a relationship. I know my relationship with my DH would be a lot tougher if we didn't share the same values. You can love someone with all your heart, but that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is right. Someone who is manipulative and jealous is not worth your time. When they say "relationships take work," it doesn't mean that it's full of drama and hurt feelings. It means that two people work at keeping their relationship successful.
You ARE worth more than this guy. Get him out of your life once and for all, and look ahead to the future. You are so young and trust me when I say that right now, at this time in your life, enjoy the freedoms you have! My mom told me the exact same thing when I was your age (ugh that makes me sound old, but I'm only 27! lol) and I thought "gee, what free time?" But she was right. Use this time to reconnect with your friends, develop new interests, become confident in yourself. Get out there and enjoy meeting new people...you never know who you will meet.
I just get so worried I am not gonna find anyone else who will ever love me again (I know this is so ridiculous, but I feel like it for some reason) First relationships/First break-ups are so hard
Im not sure that he is being very loving at the moment so hopefully you WONT find a love like this again! I would tell him not to text or call any more because its over and you just need some space from him for a while- you dont have to be rude or snarky (but you can if you want ). And then stop answering him. He wont be getting anything out of you, so eventually he should stop. Be straight up- dont give him an ounce of hope that you might take him back etc.
You are worth way more than this! You are smart, intelligent- medschool!! And I am sure you are beautiful. Remember, "be wildly confident"! There ARE plenty more fish in the sea, much nicer ones too
In response to what Dizzy said- thats a good idea, you should be able to block his number from contacting you as well if thats easier- then you dont have to change your number and tell everyone you changed it etc.
Last edited by Iconised Ghost; 11-04-2009 at 02:07 PM.
Everytime you respond- whether it's positive or negative, gives him reason to keep contacting you. If you stop responding he will eventually get the hint. With 2 weeks to 1 month of no solid contact people usually give up. Even if it takes longer do not respond. If he calls don't answer, if he calls from another number and you answer then realize it's him, hang up. If he comes over do not open the door and tell him from the window to leave- if he refuses to leave tell him you will call the cops/security. If it gets to that point make sure when you call to tell them you are AFRAID of him and that he was a controlling and abusive bf and that he won't leave you alone. If the cops don't think you are scared then they won't do anything (even if you aren't scared authority usually drives the more persistent ones away).
I am sure you loved this guy- but he obviously was not a good man for you- being loving is NOT good enough. People use that "love is all you need" cliche and that's BULL. You were paying his bills for him and rarely received anything back- it was not your responsibility to take care of him. If you went back to him he wouldn't change, he wouldn't get better, and in the end you'd end up with his debt and then some. Eventually too his controlling behavior would get worse and lead to physical violence. I have seen it before.
Good luck! Stay strong and remember ZERO contact!
And like everyone else says- of course you will find someone else! My mother divorced my father after over 25+ years of an abusive relationship and at 51 years old found someone. Don't ever settle! In fact take some time to focus on school and yourself so you don't find another guy like him and fall into the same pattern. I'd never lend someone I was dating money- specially if they weren't paying me back!
Stop fixating on this loser and start chatting up your male class mates more and it won't be too long before your concerns about finding someone else will be put to rest!
I'm dealing with a very similar situation (except that I'm 27, and he was my 3rd boyfriend, first two guys had a better profiles, and it's hurt horribly bad, but I got over them). I know how hard it is to let go, when you have feelings for the other person, but deep inside you are suspicious that he is not right for you. I know how hard it is not to answer back, when inside you are dying to see them or hear from them. But like most people above suggest, you just have to break communication entirely with him, in a friendly way or not. If it helps, think about this other 27yrs old that made the mistake of falling for the wrong guy (with more baggage that she knew she could handle), you will have gone thru this younger, so you will be wiser sooner.. Good luck!
I hope you do not mind if I give you this quote from the bible, but it always makes me re-evaluate what kind of love I am looking for... every time I think that I might love someone, or that they might love me.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
From the things he has done to you, he is not treating you in a loving way. Words mean a lot, but actions make all the difference. You have goals and values, and an optimistic outlook, and you deserve someone who will respect those things about you.
And you are only 20 years old! You have -plenty- of time for that right guy to find you. Enjoy a single life for a little while, pick up a new hobby, spend some time with the girlfriends, and the love you are waiting for will probably show up at an unexpected and mysterious time.
The analogy for the type of person you need in your life is this....If you are running a race you want a person that pushes you to go faster and run harder, you dont want someone who is slowing you down and holding you back. Sometimes when we get into relationships we are so afraid that we are going to end up alone that we stay with someone holding us back, not realizing that we are preventing ourselves from finding someone in the process. Use this type to discover new things about you. And the A**hole boyfriend will disappear from your mind. It's hard at first but it gets easier day by day and you eventually find a guy who's great. (i'm in the process of letting go of a crappy relationship, but after 9 months I've never been happier or more confident)
Been here, done that. Same age and everything. That being said.... from someone who has been through a very similar situation and come through the other end (after spending months crying my eyes out and about 2 years feeling that I'd never "find what we had" with someone else).... it's so not worth it. There are such better things AND people out there. Took me about 7 years since the break up and I've FINALLY found a great guy. Whew. And you know what? Way way WAY worth it.
He sounds ignorant, petty, childish, and selfish. Do you REALLY want to be with someone like that for the rest of your life? Honestly, you can do better honey. You seem like a remarkable, sensitive, kind girl.... you CAN and WILL find someone better. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be a year from now... it may not even be for 10 or more years!... but when you do, you'll know it was worth being alone for some time for. Totally, totally worth it.
I need some life/boy advice ladies!
). And then stop answering him. He wont be getting anything out of you, so eventually he should stop. Be straight up- dont give him an ounce of hope that you might take him back etc.
