I'm new here, I don't really know what to do. If you have ever heard of a voat group called "Fat People Hate" I fell victim to it last week, and I feel like my life has spiraled out of control since. I had a ton of people looking at my picture saying "She should kill herself for the sake of her child" (the pic posted was of me and my baby). People repeatedly saying having a dead mom is better than having a fat mom.
I cried. A lot.
Fast forward to today, and I ate a sandwich for lunch, then immediately went to the bathroom and purged. Like, I didn't even think about it, I just did it...After I was disappointed in myself, but at the same time, it felt weirdly satisfying.
I don't have health insurance, I can't afford it, and make just enough to where I can't be on state coverage. I can't afford a therapist.
Today was the first day I have purged, but it is also the first day in over a week that I ate anything more than 300 calories at once. My weight loss shown on here is all from 2 weeks.
I don't know what to do. I feel myself going down a dark path that I want to avoid for my baby, but I also don't want her to have a fat mom.
First of all I want to say that I'm very sorry that happened to you. No one should be in that position. While I enjoy certain things about the web (3fatchicks being one of course), the cruelty of the internet and people who can hide behind a screen at times really scares me.
Second, I am not a doctor. This is just unconsolidated advise from someone who has been there. When I was a teenager I used bulimia as a way to feel better about myself. I don't even think it was a weight issue ( i wasn't as large as i am now) it was more about getting rid of that rock in my gut. It made me feel like i was in charge of something. I controlled what went in and what went out. When ever i was angry or sad or frustrated I would do it. This snow balled into other things and it ended in a big explosion of me taking scissors to my hair and slicing all down my arms and legs. I took something that was easy to hide (bulimia) and turned it into this really loud and visual cry for help. More than 10 years later i still carry the literal and figurative scars of that. I did not see a therapist, my family used to be against those type of things, but was finally able to talk to my best friend about it. Be able to talk about it really helped me curb my urge to purge.
Obviously everyone is different. All I'm saying is that if you can't talk to a therapist I'm sure you have at least one person to confine in. Plus having someone to be accountable to can really help.
I'm so very, very sorry you have gone through this. We sometimes live in a hateful world, where people hide behind screen names and anonymity to spew bile at innocent strangers. But you need to keep something in mind. THESE PEOPLE ARE AN EVIL MINORITY. You MUST NOT let them win. You are clearly a decent person. You have people who care about you. REAL people, not the faceless trolls who do these things. YOU are more worthwhile than any of them.
You have no insurance. That is a problem, but not an insurmountable one. If you are religious, there are churches that could offer you counseling. Or there are free mental health clinics in most cities. You have a baby...are you not on Medicaid? That would cover some assistance. I agree with Ruby, you need to talk with someone. You need to let this dark thing out and into the light where it can dissipate.
If you truly want to lose weight the RIGHT WAY - try Myfitnesspal. It's a great tool. This site is a great tool. You don't have to have doctors for that, just desire to learn to do things the right way.
My baby is on Medicaid, I'm not. I was thrown off in February. I lost 90 lbs before my baby with MyFitnessPal, and I don't know why this is happening now. I either starve myself or binge and purge and I have no clue why, all I know is that it makes me feel better. Like, not hating feeling full, but loving feeling empty. It's hard to explain.
I'm not a doctor, nurse, dietician or anything else...but yes, it certainly does sound like you are developing an eating disorder. Please, look for any free programs that might help you. Do it for your baby, who deserves a mom that's healthy. There are eating disorder support groups on MFP. Look there for support if nothing else, and stay FAR away from any sites that aren't supportive! These scumbags that post these horrible comments, they don't deserve to have their words even read. Don't validate them!
Please try not to listen to those vile wastes of time
Any child would tell you they would rather know/have there parent to be there love them and care for them no matter there size - yes it would be nice to have a small mommy and your on the right track reaching out for support
I wish you all the best in your journey
but try to find someone to talk things over with
a friend or something does not always need to be a therapist heck even a teddy bear to vent to could help (yes I do that myself so no its not weird I just dont do it infront of people I sit there and confide in my teddy)
I think I might be developing an ED
