Extremely Depressed and Disgusted
 

Though this is the umpteenth time that I've tried to lose weight and while I am very aware of how large I am, it is almost like I am seeing myself in a new light and I don't like it. I am so disgusted by my size and just don't know how I let it get so bad. It is making me want to work harder, but now, I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror.

I need so much support. Every time i try to lose weight, my husband brings home the foods/drinks that are my weakness. I have done well for the past few days, but at times feel my resolve slipping. He doesn't have a weight problem at all and never has.

It's not your spouse's responsibility to lose weight, it's yours. My spouse brings home crap, too. I make the choice of whether or not to eat it. You have to want to change your lifestyle. It isn't anyone's choice, but your own. You see a bag of chips; tell yourself that you are stronger than food, and you have long term goals, and then grab carrots instead.

Does that mean that you have to give up every food that you like, forever? No. One bad day shouldn't make your whole month bad, but one day should not turn into 29 out if 30 days.

You have no reason to be depressed. Being morbidly obese doesn't make you bad or weak. Your body is doing what it is designed to do, which is to save for a famine. You have to show it that there are plenty of nutrients available and to stop saving. That means giving your body what it needs instead of junk, and drinking plenty of water. You also have to show it that you can move. It conserves energy when you don't move. My theory is that your body thinks that you are wounded, and conserves energy, so that you have time to heal. If moving is difficult there are seated strength training exercises for the morbidly obese that use one resistance band, one medicine ball, and two frisbees or paper plates. Google can help you find them. If I recall correctly it was exercise dot about dot com or something like that. I do Leslie Sansone's Walk At Home workouts for cardio. She has many of them on YouTube.

I'm not perfect. I still have a long way to go, but it took a long time for me to gain all this weight. I'm cutting myself slack. You should cut yourself slack, too.

I started by changing little things. I weaned myself mostly off of sweetener for coffee. I was using 6 teaspoons of sweetener in my coffee. I cut it in half, then half again. So I'm now using 1 1/2 teaspoons. I did the same for creamer. I started eating more veggies and only 1-2 servings of fruit a day. I mostly got rid of sodas, which are a lot of liquid calories. I now have one per week.

On the exercise vids... I suggest not watching them before hand, just get up and do them. Watching them beforehand may discourage you. I surprised myself. I can jog. I had a fear that I would hurt my ankles because of my weight. Hasn't happened so far. If you can't keep up, it's okay. Just give it your best effort. You'll get there. It will just take time.

You're right. It isn't his responsibility. He just seems to bring home the things I like when I seem to actually be making headway. I've stayed strong and I haven't cheated and i've told him he can have the goodies and other things that he has brought home and even though I considered just a bite, I haven't done it.

As far as feeling depressed, it is more about how far I have to go and how insurmountable the task seems (I have PCOS which makes it a little more difficult to lose). Logically, I know that I can't possibly seem any significant results this soon. But, I feel disappointed. I think it is normal to have down days and need pep talks. That is what this is for me. I am staying strong. I am determined and I will be going to the gym tomorrow and will strive to go every day after that. It's hard that's all.

I appreciate that you took the time to answer. I really need a kick in the butt to focus on the end goal and not get so lost on the trip to it. if that makes any sense.

:hug:
YOU can do this, despite whatever foods your husband brings home. It is hard. It's very hard. But even if you do have a bad day, just remember to keep going because if you stick to it, the weight will come off.

You might slip up. You may have some of those goodies your husband is bringing home. But, just don't give up. It gets easier. You'll start making better choices and it'll be so much more rewarding when you do. I had a cupcake last night. Okay, two. IT happens. It's all part of the journey. Good luck!

Thank you for answering Kisskiss and I have to say that i'm impressed with your weight loss. I hope to lose the same amount.

I am very proud of myself today. I was in a bit of a funk last night. I still stuck to my guns even though he brought home candy bars, cake and cookies.

I told him that he could have them. He went out later and brought home McDonald's (the things I would typcially eat). I was so tempted. But, I didn't do it. Instead, I drank water and got the kids ready for bed.

You're right. If I stick to it, it will come off. This morning, I took my son to daycare and did a bit of mall walking and then came home. :carrot:

That is such a big deal for me because I usually end up caving and start talking about starting tomorrow.

According to the doc, I have hypothyroidism, PCOS, Sleep Hypopnea, Vitamin B-12 deficiency, and anemia. I know, it's frustrating.

Have you tried asking him to bring home acceptable foods from your fav restaurants instead? When we go out or order in, I check the nutrition facts beforehand and pre-plan my order. McDonalds isn't healthy, but they do have healthier choices, like salads for instance.

Have you talked to him about your relationship with food? He may not even realize how difficult it is for you. Sometimes people feel threatened as well and try to sabotage our efforts. Not out of malice, but because they have their own fears. Maybe he needs extra cuddles and an explanation that you are doing this for your health?

I can almost bet you money that your husband is doing nothing out of the ordinary. He probably always brings home junky food like that, its just when you are on a diet you are hyper-sensitive to it. When you aren't on a diet you are like, oh yummy doughnuts *munch munch* !

Tootsie: Are you taking anything for the pcos? Are you following a low carb diet to help lose effectively?
I talked to him and he essentially said that it is my problem.

jc2008 no that isn't the case. usually, if i ask for those things he will complain about the price and won't want to buy it. when i try to diet and/exercise then they somehow become affordable and he brings them often.

weightloss73, this makes me sad. Spouses should be our best supporters. Have you tried talking to him about his feelings about this? Maybe he doesn't feel included, and you can offer to do this journey together? (Even if he doesn't need to lose weight, we can all stand to be healthier!) Maybe he's worried that you'll get skinny and go after other men, and he just needs reassurance. Maybe he thinks that your not loving yourself as you are is a judgment against him, somehow, too.

We can't know what mysteries lurk in the minds of husbands, unless we ask.

I would also encourage you to participate in the Self Love and Self-Esteem thread, because, while feeling bad about where you are is often a powerful motivator to get started on weight loss, it doesn't work for long-term motivation. Imagine you're within 10 or 20 pounds of your goal weight. Either you will STILL be disgusted with yourself, which definitely isn't a healthy mindset for someone at or near a healthy weight! Or you'll be pretty happy with all of your progress... but you'll still need a reason to lose those last few pounds--and, as we know, the last few come off a lot more slowly than the first few. The thing that is going to get you through this entire journey is your love for yourself and your belief that you are worth the effort.

I think getting your husband on board will also help you to get to that point.

I'm supposed to be on Metformin for my PCOS, but I did not like the idea of it messing with my liver function, so I have not been taking it. Low carb is recommended for PCOS patients, but I haven't been doing that either. I've just lost weight by lowering my calorie intake and exercising more. Once I get lower weight, I will probably have to cut more carbs. I absolutely love pasta and baked goods, so that will suck.

Weightloss73 I'm so sorry that your husband is not supportive of your weight loss efforts. Mayvbe you could ask him to eat his "bad" food in another room or eat it out before he comes home. Even, if he won't you need to remember it is your choice whether you give in and eat it or not.

Losing weight is tough. Just ask me. I've done it many times. Ask any of us. We are all right here, doing this again, doing this for ourselves, because we matter. And every single one of us has been tempted by something or someone at sometime, so we know how hard it is. And we will support you, all the way! :cheer2:

Don't give up and don't lose hope. Weight loss is a journey and I bet you are going to find out many things about yourself along the way, about your strenghth, about your determination, and about things I'm sure I haven't discovered yet.

Thanks again to everyone who answered. We had another talk. He doesn't think i'm serious about losing. He said that if I were then I wouldn't feel any temptation by what he brings home and he doesn't feel that he should change his behavior in any way when he knows that I won't stick to it.

I lost a significant amount of weight before and got pregnant with my son. I gained about 50 of the 100 I lost back during my pregnancy with him. I started to lose again when he was about 3, but got pregnant again. This time, I gained all but 20lbs of the initial big loss. My daughter is now 19 months old and i'm very seriously trying to get this off.

I've decided no more talks with him about this. I'll just do this on my own. I have appointments with a health care worker to monitor my loss and health and a nutritionist. I have a gym membership that I will start using on Wednesday (that's when i'll have someone to watch the kids).

I am serious, but I do understand why he would think i'm not. I've had this gym membership for a while and have only gone a handful of times.

It doesn't matter whether you are serious or not. Asking him to do the things suggested isn't unreasonable, and it may be good for your kids as well, not just you. Does he want your kids to be overweight? Kids will eat and drink what they see Mommy and Daddy eating and drinking. Is he willing to watch the kids so that you can go to the gym 3-4 times per week? He obviously doesn't understand the psychological aspect of this. Hopefully you prove him wrong. If my spouse treated me like that, no matter how many times I started and stopped, I would be ticked. Instead, my spouse is stocking my house with fruits and veggies and anything else that he thinks is healthy.

I know that I said earlier that it's not his responsibility, but having separate cabinets for his stuff and your stuff so that you don't see the junk, and him blatantly saying, "I don't believe you, so I'm not supporting you," are completely different things.

I agree with Tootsie: your husband is behaving unfairly, weightloss73. You can't control how he behaves, but (again I agree with Tootsie) you should at least be able to get him to put his junk food somewhere out of sight.

Seriousness has nothing to do with "not being tempted."

Grr, I'm so mad on your behalf! You deserve support for trying to do something good, not deliberate sabotage!

Prove him wrong, and be awesome! The folks here on 3FC will be supportive, even if he won't.

I think to at least some degree, anyone with weight to lose feels like it will take forever, and that's a daunting thought. The thing is, that time will go by if you're losing weight, or if you're not losing weight. Better to spend it in weight loss rather than weight gain.

Tootsie: I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to answer. He is willing to watch the kids when I go to the gym, but for no more than 1/2 hour. So, much of the exercise will have to be done at home. I live abroad. My family is in the US. So, there isn't really anyone other than him who can watch the kids. His family is here, but his sister works and his parents travel quite often. My sister seems to feel that he is afraid I will leave if I succeed. I don't think that is the issue, but she thinks that while he may want me to lose, he likes the fact that no one pays attention to me the way I am now. If I think back to the way he was when I had gotten off a significant amount, he did act differently and I did get attention. I Am not sure though if it was due to my level of confidence increasing. The "sabotaging" behavior did increase the smaller I got. But, then it was much easier to withstand because I had made so much progress. In the beginning stages, it is significantly harder. I was more able to I've also talked to him about separating our foods. He thinks it is silly. It is fine. I saw the nutritionist on wednesday and was given a 1200cal diet to follow. I haven't mentioned it to him and won't. I'll just let him think i've given up.

Magpie: He has always been this way. I don't know if it is cultural or if my sister is right. In any case, I need to do this with or without his support. I don't want to look back a year from now and think that I should have just stuck to it.

Penny: You are right. I've decided to not look at the overall picture, but rather split it into managable more easily attainable sections.

Okay. 1/2 hour is plenty of time for weight training, so that is good. Cardio can be done at home. I think that I may've mentioned Leslie Sansone's videos to you, but in case I didn't, check them out. They're really nice for when the weather isn't great. There are many of them on YouTube.

It's fairly common for guys to feel threatened. What he doesn't get is that if you want to leave, it doesn't have to be with someone else. You could leave just as you are, and there is no stopping you. He needs to worry about things that he can control, not you.

In time, the difficulty of withstanding foods gets a little easier. I find that I have a few trigger foods, and I just ignore them. I don't limit myself. I allow myself junk in moderation, but I do not let the trigger foods pass my lips. I can eat a whole pan of brownies for instance, so I just don't give myself a chance to.

We're all here to support you. Hoping that you start feeling better soon with a better diet and exercise routine. :)

We're rooting for you, weightloss73! You can do this, with or without his help. :hug:

I love Leslie Sansone! She's so positive and encouraging! The other thing I've been doing is searching YouTube for "Zumba warm-up" and trying to keep up with songs I like. :) (You might be fitter than I am. If you are, you don't have to limit yourself to warm-ups!)

Thanks everyone.

Tootsie - I found a 2 mile walk full video of hers on youtube (thank you for the recommendation). I'll be starting it this afternoon.

Thank you :-). I need all of the support I can get.

The magpie - Thank you :-)
I will look up zumba videos as well. I am a bit intimidated by them from what i've seen on tv. I'm hardly fit with bad knees. There are also some zumba classes here that I have looked into, but will only try when I get to a certain weight (more about not getting hurt than being embarrassed).

He'll only watch the kids for 30 minutes??????? Does he realize that he is a parent, not a babysitter?

I have to admit that I could never be married to an unsupportive husband who is unwilling to share life's responsibilities equally. Marriage should be an equal partnership.

This man is probably a big part of your depression and you should be disgusted with him, not yourself.

Many women who divorce men like this suddenly find themselves much happier and the weight loss easier.

I would sit him down and give him a list of expectations:
He is to keep junk food somewhere you don't see it
You will be exercising however long you wish and he is to be available to care for his children for that time
He is to support you in your weight loss

If he fails this, I urge you to consider whether he is the type of partner you want to continue to spend your life with. You deserve to be with someone who treats you well.

:hug: Keep your chin up!! My working sister is thin, am the only one is way overweight. She buys chips, cookies and cheesecakes only for her..but I know how tough to resist. You are not alone and Its your efforts to say NO..stock up the fridge with veggies, and your low calorie snacks.

Hang in there..and Never Give Up!! YOU are worth it than the junk foods... :)

Weight loss: Congrats on your efforts so far!

Thank you everyone. I'm sorry that my responses are so delayed. I've been busy with the kids. So far things are going pretty well. I haven't started the gym yet, but plan to as soon as AF is over (sorry TMI). Nothing has changed on the husband front, but i'm getting support from health officials and message boards. I weighed in last week and while still the same weight, there is no gain. Which is a good thing. I am feeling motivated again.

I agree with beginme, your husband is behaving like a spoiled child. NOT like a husband. He is jealous of other men, doesn't want you to have confidence in yourself, doesn't want you to lose weight and is bringing home all the food that will trip you up, on purpose. On top of that, he won't watch his own children for more than a half an hour. I'd kick him to the curb if my husband acted like that with me. And don't say its cultural differences because my husband and I come from two different countries and he has plenty of respect for me and treats me with dignity. He opens cardoors for me, he opens doors for me, he takes care of my family. You deserve so much more.

Be strong and lose the weight. You can do it! We all believe in you!

weightloss,

I am so sorry to hear about your less than supportive system at home, but I hope that you are taking time to treat yourself gently and respect every little effort you make. :hug:

The biggest thing that has helped me deal with my cravings is to:
1) Make sure I'm eating on a regular schedule. A bigger lunch or breakfast might influence me to eat one less snack, but when I've got a plan (B/Snack/L/S/D), I know the good stuff is coming and try to be patient with myself. If I wait too long between meals, I get this crazy, panicy, "must eat ALL the foods" feeling and tend to binge.

2) Tuning into my hunger. This means both listening to my body when it comes to satiation levels (am I full?), as well as when it comes to cravings (Am I hungry/stressed/tired? Did I just see a commercial/other trigger/situation that makes me feel like I "need" or "should have" this food?). Sometimes, if I'm not sure, I'll have a cup of tea, wait 20 minutes, then ask again. If it's a calorie dense food, I might pull out a single portion, then focus on how much I'm really enjoying it. In general, my motto is "If it isn't damn good, it's not worth my time and energy".

I recently started using the app TwoGrand to track my food intake. I don't count calories, but seeing pictures of your food is a very powerful motivator and learning tool. In addition, you can find other people on the app with similar behaviors (i.e., calorie counting), exercises (runners, swimmers, and so on), current weight, diseases (diabetes, PCOS, you name it), diet styles (THM, low carb, vegetarian - anything really). Once you find those people, you can follow the foods that they track and get ideas of what might work for you (and just plain be inspired). I find it to be a very supportive community.

As for gym-less exercise, I used to do online videos, modified as I saw fit (i.e., regular lunges at a slower pace, rather than jumping lunges; taking down the tempo of a suggested exercise; doing half the reps). When I was also eating in a way that makes me feel energized, I started losing weight with that method.

I really hope that something in this post is helpful to you, and I wish you the absolute best with your journey!