These are my personal disadvantages to being thin (and I've been thin before, so I speak from experience as well as imagination):
—I feel less substantial as a person, less able to "hold my weight" in work interactions & conversations in general, especially with men.
—I feel that I've lost the "buffer zone" between me & the rest of the world, especially around other people: I experience others as invading my personal space, encroaching on my boundaries all the time. This makes me anxious, more easily depressed, & avoidant of social interactions.
—I experience many women, especially those who are fatter than I am, as being envious of me, irrationally negative toward me. Whereas before, when I was fat, they viewed me as a generous, giving person who wasn't threatening to them in any way, the same people, when I'm thin, see me as selfish & threatening.
—I experience many men as looking keenly at me as a potential sex object, and this makes me more miserable than it does happy.
—I get easily over-stimulated, which is due to the "buffer zone" problem. Even all by my myself, reading a book or listening to music, it seems like everything is affecting me too much, like I've lost my psychological "skin."
—It's harder to figure out my wardrobe, what I want to be wearing on a day-to-day basis, because there are too many choices.
—I get very anxious over small fluctuations in my weight/size, because I'm so fearful of regaining the weight. I obsess way more about what I eat than I do when I'm fat & not dieting, and those obsessions make me unhappy.

Those are the main ones. It's not that I don't find substantial advantages to being thin. Right now I think the pro's for being thin & the con's for being fat outweigh the con's for being thin & the pro's for being fat, or else I wouldn't be losing weight.

What I'm counting on now is that the above experiences are short-term effects of being thin, effects that are only in the phase before my own psyche, and those of my social contacts, have time to adjust to my being thin. In the past, those experiences were so distressing, I didn't allow enough time for that adjustment: I just gained the weight back to get out of feeling those things. This time, I intend to stick it out until I feel comfortable in my new body—not freak out because I feel weird at first! I'm going to wait long enough to allow myself to realize that I'm still the same person, that I can be just as comfortable in my world as a thin person—if not more so, because I'm no longer fat!—as I was before.

I really suggest that you do the visualization I described, imagining yourself in a social situation that includes food, first while being fat, then while being thin. Make it very detailed: include what you're wearing, how people (men & women both) are looking at you, what people (men & women both) are saying to you, and how you respond to the food table. Take time to observe all your feelings—positive, neutral, & negative. Don't assume that you already know all the pro's and con's of both sides until you've tried it. I found that visualization in Susie Orbach's Fat is a Feminist Issue 2, and it's been very helpful to me. I do it again from time to time, just to track changes in my thinking.

Ubee, thanks for posting that link to pics of people at different heights and weights. I'm starting to think that 130 is too low for my goal weight. The gals they had at my height and 130 pounds looked awfully skinny to me. I do have a heavy frame, and I want to build up my muscles. In college I swung around between 125 and 151. I was 136 when I got married... hmmm... well, I'll leave it as 130 for the time being, as a reasonable first guess, but plan on revising it when I get closer to goal.

I'm curious: at what point do you (anyone) think people start to look good? The pictures are kind of limited for the upper size ranges, but I think the gal of my height who weighs 250 looks fabulous!

Good morning all. Wow, this thread really rocks. It's a shame that all of the chicks haven't had a chance to read these posts because they are very insightful and helpful.

Watchout -- It is so encouraging to hear someone else say that they can eat anything they want but watch the serving size. I've come to realize that I am not going to succeed if I just forbid myself all my favorite foods.

Fiona -- I do like your idea of sending them on vacation instead of banishing them. Some day they can return "home" only you'll feel like you can handle them.

SilentArctic -- I don't know if this will help, but I googled foods that fight depression and there's a huge list of approaches to increase serotonin levels. Fiona's idea about visualizing yourself as being thin and determining what you like and don't like about it would also help. I've thought all through this process that about 90% of being successful at making these kind of life changes is mental.

Pluckypear -- Welcome. And, yes, there are a lot of challenges to losing weight as we age. But, it can be done. Sometimes I think that since I feel like I've engaged in hand to hand combat to lose every ounce that I appreciate the loss more than when I was young and it would just drop off.

Fiona -- Your cons about being thin were eye opening. I've never thought of it in terms of there being cons. First of all, it was so many decades ago that I was thin that I've sort of forgotten any of the negatives. But I've gotten to the point mentally where the only pro to being fat that I can think of is that I don't have to watch what I eat. You've given me something to ponder for the day.

Ubee -- love the site with the pictures.....brings back distant, fading memories! It also made me realize that I need to change my goal weight to 140 (what I weighed in high school) from 160 (what I weighed when I finished college and got married). Actually, I know I'd be thrilled to weigh 160 again, but 140 would be nice. Loved your comments about the lose and regain problem. Maintenance is going to be a challenge. But I sometimes think that those of us who have really significant amounts to lose have some kind of advantage. It will take us a lot longer and gives us a better chance to really, truly change those eating habits. I have finally accepted that tracking my food intake is going to have to be a daily thing for the rest of my life, even once I reach goal.

Ubee, you asked what I did now that the yard work season is winding down. Volunteer work -- lots of volunteer work. And some traveling, and whatever grabs my fancy for the day. I was a project manager for years and managed huge projects with hundreds of people working on them. My life was so regimented to keep the projects moving along, that I truly cherish just playing it by whatever happens each day happens.

Need to call my health insurance company and get them to force one of their approved providers to schedule my INR training. This whole home coumadin testing has been one long headache.......another reason to get healthy! Have a great day.

Picking a goal weight is so hard. We want to be smaller and healthier but a lot of us have absolutely no clue what we'll look like at x amount of pounds. I picked 165 randomly. It seems like a nice wholesome number, lolol. Somewhere I haven't been before and hopefully something I can maintain. I think the true test will be when I get to like 199 and figuring from there where exactly it is I should be. I'm so excited because as the pounds shed the reality of it becomes clearer that I can actually be smaller. I haven't felt that way with any diet I've done before.

I'll join in with the random goal weights...

I have no idea the last time I was below 200, but I'm sure I was a young teen.

I know in University a doctor told me that would be a good number...so that number has been in my head for years...

I told my mum that number she told me my aunt was about that... my aunt is a little bit taller than I, but I have a larger frame... and she looks excellent...

I feel like I've fallen off track a bit.... well a lot... tonight I ate and ate and ate.... to the point I considered throwing up.... but I have a lot going on that I have little to no control over...a close friend of mine told me he is contemplating suicide, and wishes I still lived in our hometown so we could hang out... I have been suicidal and I cannot tell you how much guilt I have that I am not there... so much that even admitting this on here came before me saying it outloud.... I want so badly to help him but I don't know if I can...

Then on a daily basis I worry I am not good enough at my job (I am a department head this year and I have a staff member having many classroom management issues and I am working very close with him and see progress.... but worry that my bosses don't....) Although I heard from my principal today that at the supervisor's meeting my name came up a lot from several people who are all saying I'm doing a good job (including school owners)...

I don't think I accepted this stress in my life properly and that's why my eating has been so off for the past 3-4 days....

Sorry if I am bringing anyone down here...I don't mean to be so negative but I have to share this somewhere.... I talk about my job things with my friend, but he just says I'm being silly and doing a great job (and that helps... but I don't want to always talk about it making him think I am looking for attention)

Holy smoke I need a break.... :(

Fiona - Aww, see I've NEVER been thin. So I'm not sure I can conceptualize it at all. Maybe I'll do this during my plane ride tomorrow something to kill time on the 3 hour flight if I'm not stuck sitting next super close to someone that is. I don't know that I would feel comfortable doing that especially if its someone that I'm aquainted with.

plucky - Winter does that for me, 30lbs of winter gear and I groan, in december januaray when I have to change from "normal" winter clothing to my "extreme" winter clothing (like the stuff for the -50 windchills and colder) I always hate it, super heavy coats, and snow pants and boots etc . Such a drag...

Ubee - I'm just "down" right now, it should pass, It usually does eventually. I usually gain weight in this phase, the "not caring" phase. I'm trying to stick to maintenance during my depressive modes it's really hard though even last night I wanted to go get cheetos and icecream and gave in and said "do it". My feet carried me home while lost in a haze of daydreams though so I avoided it. I still had popcorm with margerine and a beer though. Not a good supper but better than the cheetos and icecream and whatever else I would have gotten at the store would have been lol.

betsy - awww thanks, I appreaciate it . I looked and I pretty much eat that way anyhow a lot of the time.

watchout - i have one posted but I doubt I'll ever reach that goal weight. Right now I think I'll be happy with getting below the 300 mark I haven't managed to do that in YEARS.

time4me - I think that if we stick around through these stressed/depressed phases and help each other get right back on track when we're feeling okay/help each other survive the down periods maybe we can make it this time. I've always let the stress/depression derail me before.

silentarctic- I agree, I just feel like lately it's all been 'down'.... and that's not typically like me.... it just seems that in life when one thing hits, several others follow....

but whatever gets thrown at us teaches us something...and we come out stronger... perhaps scarred, but those serve as reminders of what we overcame...

May we have the blessings of Elves, Men and all free folk wherever we go...

Betsy— I hope you don't mind my correcting you: it's me who's on vacation, not my Big 3 foods. I'm the one in the sailboat, enjoying myself. All the cookies, candy, & donuts of the world are out there hard at work bothering other people! =laugh= It's like they were my obnoxious boss, and I don't have to report to work anymore. Yay!!

Fiona, were you young when you were thin? I think maybe with being more mature we learn to look at some of those things differently now. Like letting what others think not bother us. I love all the points. I have thought about the clothes and have decided I will just go with all classics and not a lot of bling so I don't get all obsessed. As for the buffer zone I get that too. I have worked through that by setting boundries. I was always afraid to speak up for myself and set them but I felt so free after the first one.
Betsy, I am going to google that list.
Time4me, keep posting. Posting always helps me get my head on a little straighter. We are here for you.
Silent, I hear you on never being thin. The other day I looked through photos I had not seen for years. I was shocked! I always recalled being thinner. Pictures do not lie. Yikes! The not caring phase is scary to me. It is such a fog. Cheetos and ice cream are evil but, boy do I understand those two. (Any two for that matter.) Good job making a healthier choice. Progress not perfection is the goal!
I do think if we all hang in here we will make it. I have never had such support before no matter how much someone loved me they just can not grasp the 300+.
Now you all have me thinking of a goal weight. Why don't I want to go there? Fear of success/failure? Any other thoughts?

Oh darn, I just wrote a long posting, and then lost it because I tried to make a link. I hate that! Anyway, here goes again...

Another day of low carb and staying away from my Big 3. You gals are so inspiring! Tonight I did five sets of leg lifts, whereas usually I only manage three. I feel so lucky to have this non-weight-bearing exercise I can do on the couch while listening to the radio, and it makes an enormous difference in how my knees feel.

Ubee— Yes, I have been thin as an adult. The last time was in my mid-30s. I didn't go above 200 until the regain from that experience. But everybody's pro's and con's are different—not just because of our psyches, but also our bodies. For example, I have an hourglass figure: in my whole range of weight, from 120 to 350, my waist is always two full sizes (13") smaller than my hips, so I appreciate the fact that when I'm fat, there are lots of skirts and pants with elastic waists. The elastic doesn't have to stretch much, if at all, to fit my waist, but at least it's not huge. When I was a skinny teen in the 120s, I could never wear blue jeans, because if I could pull them over my hips, the waist would be so over-sized I could fit a small pillow in there. I sewed a lot of my clothes back then, because that way I could adjust the waist area. I read an article one time in which Elizabeth Taylor said if you ever reach your goal weight, you should never wear elastic waists, because they make it too easy to gain weight without noticing. I just had to laugh! By the way, that book you're reading, Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes, is excellent. I'm a retired physician, and I recommend it to everyone. Once you understand how much fat deposits are regulated by hormones, especially insulin, you'll never think "calories in, calories out" again.

watchout— How terrific that your diet is going so well! I'm sure that once you get below 200, you'll have a better sense of what your healthy weight should be.

Melissa— I'm so sorry to hear you're down in the dumps...But you should not feel guilty about not being suicidal! The stronger you are, the better you'll be able to help your suicidal friend, by listening to him. Do you have an email relationship with him? An email friendship can be a powerful thing. If I were you, I'd be encouraging him to write every day, rain or shine.

Betsy— I'm really impressed that you do volunteer work! That's so good for the soul. Once again, I admire your energy. I have a real problem in that all my favorite activities, except for rock-n-roll dancing, are sedentary and usually solitary.

silentarctic— If you do try that fantasy exercise about how you feel as a thin person vs. a fat person, do come back here and tell us what you discovered. I always learn from hearing about other people's thoughts & feelings about these issues, because everyone is different. I was amazed by what you said about your winter gear. Where do you live? Northern Canada? Alaska?

Ubee- thanks I will keep posting (and stop emotional eating!!)

Fionaw- Currently we have a Facebook/chat friendship, but we've known each for 15 years (met in Grade 9)... so I told him I might be home around Christmas and if not then the summer for sure and we can hang out.... until then we connect essentially daily.... but I will make an effort to at least message him daily.

a little rant about me..
 

hey everyone,

i'm new here so i'm not exactly sure as what the rules are when you are posting a reply or making a thread. sorry if i get it wrong, but i wish to introduce myself and my situation if that's okay.

i'm 19 at 315 lbs. i used to be 319, but after practically starving myself (not intentionally) i lost 4 pounds. it's been a tough couple of weeks. i'm dealing with depression and anxiety (5 years now) no thanks to the bullying i got back in school because of my weight. they were horrible to the point they told me putting make up on doesn't make me any prettier. i'm not the prettiest woman around, but i'm not completely ugly either. they just decided because i was fat i couldn't be pretty.

believe it or not i used to be 198 back then which now seems pretty good. i would have at least been able to get a job at that weight whereas now i'm lucky to even get an interview.

i've applied for 500 jobs in the past 2 years, with only 4 interviews coming out of that. 1 of them i didn't make it because a bird just as i was leaving, believe it or not, swooped at me and pooped in my hair and when i tried to reorganise they had already chosen someone. the other 3 looked me up and down and i knew i wouldn't be getting the job, either that or i just thought that which made me nervous and they need confident people.

either way my weight is playing a huge part in my future and i just can't let that happen anymore. i want to own my own coffee shop eventually but i can't do that until i have some money behind me. everyone i have gone to literally takes one look at me and tells me they have no work but then hire a heap of people like 2 days later.

it can't be just my personality. i know i'm a nervous wreck, but i've known people exactly like me who still manage to score jobs, just they are much skinnier.

if that isn't bad enough my boyfriend mentioned my weight for the first time in the 3 years we have been dating. he started going on about how we need to start exercising and eating better. i think when he started all of a sudden it became clear to me that my weight is starting to become a problem for him. i'm not sure if he really cares or if he's disgusted to call me his girlfriend. again, either way it's affecting my relationship with him as well because i no longer feel comfortable around him and are constantly worrying about what i look like to him, just like everyone else on the street.

which that's another thing, i don't leave the house anymore. in fact, i've become so down in the dumps, i don't even leave to go shopping and i love shopping. i'm just so disgusted with myself and have no energy for it anymore. although i've had blood tests and they came back all fine, my energy levels are suffering. also my sleep as well, another reason why my energy is probably so low. i no longer can get in a comfortable state for sleep. i end up staying up all night like i am now until i just finally drift off where i am. it could be because i have a lot on my mind as well, but it all still comes down to my weight and how i feel about myself.

i honestly hate myself so much. i can't look in a mirror without feeling sick. i wish i was someone else and i'm constantly comparing myself to others as well which is starting to affect who i am as a person, as i'm becoming quite jealous and envious. the people i'm envious of have been quite rude to me otherwise i'm happy that people are getting somewhere, but still, if i had a chance in a job or my boyfriend was happier when he looks at me, maybe i would feel better and not worry about them so much.

so my solution, i need to lose weight. if all these things are being affected i have to do something about it before my life drifts away before my eyes or worse, because i know with the weight i am health issues can arise.

i shouldn't be feeling like this at 19. i'm suppose to be energetic and wanting to go out and have a good time whereas i honestly don't care for life much anymore and i hate feeling like that. i want to have these dreams and achieve them, you know, live. whereas the past two years, i've practically thrown away. i don't want to do that to the next 50.

i need help. not a dietician the doctors keep suggesting or these pills and shakes people keep coming up with, all of which never work. i need support from a group of people like you guys. please help me reach my goal. i have big bones, like my bones are literally the size of my boyfriends (just your average male bone size), so 143 lbs is basically where i should be at according to a special BMI test i took that looks at my bone structure as well. i would be very happy to be at that weight. i'm saying all this because i fear if i get there i may want to go further. don't let me, convince me otherwise somehow.

i don't want to go overboard like my sister is currently doing where she brags about how much she weighs and how she is under everyone else's weight and hates on other people being over weight. it's not in my nature to become like that, but i just wanted to share how much that really annoys me and didn't know how else to put it in.

my point is though, i don't want to feel i will never be good enough at the weight i am and keep working towards a lower weight. i don't want to be all skin and bone. i want to be curvy. not dissing people who are, it's just my personal preference.

Good morning all. Wow. In reading the posts today, everyone seems to really be dealing with a lot of issues that, of course, impact our effectiveness in both staying on plan and losing.

Watchout -- I love your approach to picking out a goal weight -- random works for me! Actually, I know that if I get down below 200 pounds, it's really going to be hard to lose more, but what the heck. Let's go for broke.

Time4me -- WOW! You are definitely dealing with a lot. I read your second post where you were able to assure your friend that you'll be able to catch up. In the meantime, this era of instant communications does help with staying in touch. It sounds to me like you are doing an excellent job with being a department head. Anyone who takes the time to help coach someone who needs to make changes and is beginning to see results has what it takes to be a good manager. And, yes, I do know what I'm talking about because I was a senior manager for over 20 years. Some of the best parts of the job were the coaching and encouraging employees who had so much potential but just needed some help to realize it.

SilentArctic -- First, good for you for bypassing the Cheetos and ice cream. I have popcorn many nights for supper......probably should add popcorn to my big three list. And, yes, it's not the best supper, but it's a whole lot better than Cheetos and ice cream. Give yourself a lot of credit for not stopping to get them.

Ubee -- I laughed when you said that you remembered yourself as thin but pictures don't lie. I just went through the same thing. You know what helped. I held up my thought-I-was-thin-and-wasn't picture and put it next to one of myself at my highest weight. Suddenly a miracle occurred -- I decided I was thin (or at least a lot thinner) in that old picture. I decided that if I could ever look that way again, I'd be thrilled. And I think in that picture, I was around 200 pounds.

Fiona -- I laughed at sending yourself on vacation so that your big three would be off bothering other people. No problem with correcting me......half the time I'm off in neverland anyway. I started doing a lot of volunteering when I retired because I, too, have way too many solitary hobbies. I've also always felt that I've led a pretty charmed life and that I'd better give back or it could all be taken away. Not sure who is going to do the taking, but it's a good way to get out, meet people, and come home feeling that maybe I made a difference in someone's life.

Justanotherfatchick -- First, welcome. There aren't any rules other than being supportive (which everyone tends to be). I may be way off base on my observation, but it sounds as though you've reached that point where you just want to make the changes necessary to lose weight. We all could probably point to a specific time or even a specific event that caused us to hit rock bottom and then begin the journey back up. For me, it was not being able to tie my shoes to go to the gym. Or rather, I got them tied, but it took me over 30 minutes to finally get it done. And I still double knot them so that I don't have to get into some weird contortionist position if they come untied while I'm out and about. Just joining the group, deciding you want to make the changes, and realizing that you've found a group that understand the extra challenges that come with having a lot of weight to lose is a great first step.

It's raining here and will all day. So, I'm going to get the sheets and towels changed out, do laundry, and work on getting the calendar I do every year with pictures of the grands. Oh yeah, and take Toby out 15 times while strongly encouraging him to GO since the wind is also blowing. He seems to think it's play time. I just want to get back inside!

Have a good day. I'm off to the gym for my morning workout and socializing.

Fiona, I tried to picture myself thin and all I could see is that candle dripping wax in the Disney movies. I will try again if I find a relaxing moment.
Time4me, when you figure out how to stop emotional eating PLEASE let me know.
Betsy, I do the double knot also. I also make sure the knot is in the middle so I won't have "the fat lady tie to the side" because you can not reach the middle we are struggling just to get the darn thing tied! I hope you all looked down at your shoes now!
Justanotherprettygirl, welcome to our group. Keep posting. The chicks on here have a lot of good advice. Were you just having a bad day or are you always this hard on yourself? I'm sorry for all the pain you are feeling. Please continue to join us. This site is amazing if you use it!
I am having a mixed day today and I just want to get back into my weightloss rut. On a happy note today I went to lunch at a very sweet tempting place and I DID WELL!!!
How is everyone doing?