Hey guys!

I’m coming to you all for wisdom and advice.

I’ve been in the 300’s for a few years now. Looking back, I remember the first time I was appalled at realizing just how much I weighed. I had gone to a gym and the trainer wanted me to step on the scale. I hadn’t weighed myself in ages. I thought I weighed around 280lbs. Turns out I was in the 330’s.

The thing I remember about that time (before getting on the scale) is that I never, ever thought of my weight as holding me back from anything. I was walking all over the city I lived in. I never hesitated to go anywhere or do what I wanted. Most of all, I never paid attention to the way people looked at me or what they thought of me.

These days, that’s all changed.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve gotten older and carrying so much weight is wearing me down, or if whatever self-esteem I once had is now completely gone.

Now, when I think of walking somewhere, I feel dread because I know how much effort it will take and how much sweating I will do. I do workout on my treadmill (30-60 minutes) and do workout DVDs. It’s not that I’m incapable of walking, it’s more like, mentally, I’m less resilient than I used to be and, mentally, I feel weak. I’m more focused on what I can’t do than what I can.

Recently, I’ve begun not wanting to leave my home because I’m feeling really self-conscious about what people think of my size. This is a new one for me. It’s even gotten to the point where I order groceries rather than go to the grocery store because I’m fearful people are judging me. I even wonder what the grocery delivery guy thinks—delivering groceries to a morbidly obese woman who lives two blocks from a grocery store. All of this mental stuff is so bizarre and so unlike who I used to be.

I have three important things coming up over the next six weeks. A friend is coming to visit for a week. After that, I’m flying to NYC to attend the BlogHer conference. Then, I’m traveling to another city for a writing seminar.

I want to be excited about it all. I want to think about how much fun being in NYC is, the amazing women I’m going to meet at BlogHer, and all that I will learn at the writing seminar. And when my friend comes, I want to enjoy our time together.

But in my mind, I keep thinking about how I look, how much space I’ll be taking up, what people will think of me, and fearing someone will treat me badly. I’m dreading sweating when I walk with my friend or walk around the conference. It goes on and on.

I want to get back to being the person who wasn’t defined by her weight. Yes, of course, having awareness of weight is important. I don’t want to be in denial. The thing is, only thinking of myself as being someone who is limited and less than because of my weight isn’t helping me move forward. Right now, rather than thinking about losing weight, mostly, I’m thinking about how to survive in this prison I’ve created.

Do you guys have any advice on how to get back to not letting my body size be the predominant thing I think about when I go out into the world?

Thank you!

Hi Wendy! I have some of the same thoughts. Most of my friends are small-ish, or normal, thin, or fit. While I am socializing I find myself peering over my side to check out my rolls and constantly fidgeting during social situations wondering how fat I look, and totally missing out on the fun times. I doubt anyone is focused on me. I don't have any great advice but I wanted to offer my support and hugs and I do hope that you can find some balance and get back to living your life in a comfortable space.

I went through a phaes like that -- and I was at my highest weight and did not yet have my PCOS dx and it was def. depression from the weight creep and not knowing what was WRONG with me.

I esp. remember the hiding out at home to avoid people, life, etc. I started forcing myself to get OUT -- even to the grocery because really and truly nobody cares. I also get a check up for depression and was put on paxil for a short while. Eventually I got my full dx and came off the paxil.

Hang in there!

A.

Here's the good news, Wendy ~ people ARE NOT paying as much attention to you as you think they are. Plus, most people are more concerned about getting their own groceries and errands done.

There will only be a few people who may stare -- as a wise man told me lately ... JUST IGNORE THEM! They don't matter in the big scheme of things. I can prove this to you: do you think all those negative thoughts about others when you go out? I know you don't!

Secondly, you have just as much right to get out there and enjoy your life as anyone else. You need to replace those negative thoughts with some short positive mantras like ... I LOVE LIFE; I ENJOY LIFE; I LOVE ME; LIFE IS FUN, etc.

Then start practicing going out again; just around your neighbourhood and to your local store. Go for a short walk each day; just go and pick up a few things at the store like fruit & eggs. All the while say positive things to yourself.

You can also "role play" -- that is, you pretend to be what your goal is. I have used this strategy with success when I have felt insecure. I would tell myself that I am the most beautiful person in the world. As I know that I am beautiful inside, that will shine on the outside with a positive attitude too!

Make a decided choice to enjoy your friend's company; after all, a true friend loves and accepts you just the way you are. And you know what -- you should too. Be a good friend to yourself -- love yourself today!

Then go to the conference and seminar; and enjoy yourself there as well. People that attend are not there to scrutinize what other people look like or how much they weigh; they are there to enjoy themselves just like you.

Hi Wendy.
I know precisely what you mean in your post. I felt like the fattest Mum at the school gates and the fattest in the small town I live in. I would drive to school or the bank to avoid being seen "out". For me it was about self esteem ( too fat to be allowed out) and physical difficulties ( look at fat lady limping and waddling down the high street). Whether I was the fattest I have no idea but I felt like it.
When I first started my weight loss journey I found plugging in my music headphones and blocking the world out helped me work on my confidence to go outside and from there I have gradually improved. I still dread flimsy seats in coffee shops or narrow isles in shops but hey...I am a work in progress.
Good Luck and Hang in there.

PS I read somewhere that we should turn "what if's" into "so what's"
So what if they stare!!

I hate to admit it... but my weight has really held me back from things I would love to do. I'm very self-conscious about my weight. It's caused me a lot of tears...

That's why this time is different. I'm going to lose this weight. I going to get to my goal!

Best wishes to you!

mountain walker & Justwant2Bhealthy, what ya'll said was great! Thanks!

We all deserve to get everything out of life we can.

As a side note: The only good thing about the current obesity epidemic is that there are more of us around. Many, many of the 20-somethings I teach are heavier than I was at their age, and they are completely unconcerned about people looking at them. I've been teaching a summer class in a room that's pretty darn hot, but even in the summer, I keep most of my body covered: tights on my legs under a dress or skirt, sleeves that cover my upper arms. But them! They're practically naked, and, well, jiggling and spilling out of their clothes. Men and women alike. I'm convinced that even their thin peers are de-sensitized: I don't see them looking judgmental or shying away from the large ones.

I wish I could be as accepting of myself as they are, but I was socialized in the 70s, and that stuff is pretty deeply ingrained, I think.

All this is a long way of saying, I think fewer people are harsh and judgmental now. Think about this: even when you look at a thin person, what are the odds that he or she has someone close to them who's obese? Probably a lot more than did 20 years ago.

You mentioned being older, so I don't know if this is the case or not, but aging does have an impact on how we define ourselves and how changes in the body, both in appearance and in the ability to do things can cause a shift in our perceptions. I am 56, and I go through periods of really seeing the aging in my skin and feel hopelessly ugly and unrecognizable. Top that off with excess weight and the way my body is less tolerant and forgiving....I sometimes feel depressed about it. And this is coming from a woman who did not bother with these kinds of thoughts before.

I finally figured out that what was happening, was the feeling of being vulnerable was underneath it all. I am not as agile as I was before at the same weight. Falling now, has more of a fear factor than falling at age, say 20. Health issues are now a reality, hello Diabetes II and arthritis. I get pneumonia at the drop of a hat. I am more clumsy, my memory lagging, all of it is sometimes unnerving.

And how I see myself in relation to others is sometimes bewildering. I often want to hide. It's not that I would fall apart at finger pointing or a rude comment should one come my way, but more in that I am having a hard time actually "seeing" myself as I am now. Sagging skin, wrinkles and visible veins...and knowing that even if I lost all of the excess weight, I will not have the body I once had....well it unnerves me, leaving me feeling less able to figure out where I am with it all. I notice when I am out in public, I start to wonder if I am hideous or too fat or I am invisible as aging women eventually become.

I am sure it will all settle down at some point as I accept aging. At this point, I feel it is time to re-invent myself, perhaps doing positive things like changing one's hobbies, clothing or hair style is helpful in redefining new directions to take. Going to this convention may open new doors for you that will help you take charge rather than fear perceptions of others and of yourself. It's a tough one, to be sure.

There's some really good advice here. I want to reiterate the fact that most people aren't paying that much attention to other people; you're the only one who's going to be consistently looking at your "faults" or the things you don't like about yourself.

One thing that helps me is to get out of my own head and stop thinking about me for once. In order to do this, I find that compassion helps; that is, spending more time thinking about how you can help other people or how you can interact with them on a compassionate level. Your focus doesn't necessarily have to be this- it can be a project your working on, or something you're passionate about. Just make concentrated efforts to notice when your brain starts thinking about yourself again and again, and then push it toward thinking of something more productive!

Also, for me, part of my compassionate practice is finding the good in other people I instinctively criticize, especially in noticing that other people struggling with their weights are people in themselves, not just weight issues.

You are a amazing women do not think about what people think,or how they see you. The important thing is that you have a support system. Try to open up to people who treat you right and enjoy your company. Enjoy each day to its fullest. You are aware of the situation and when you are ready to address it you will. Enjoy life it seems to me like you have a lot more going on in your life then a lot of us. Good luck to you friend.

Hey guys!!!

I owe all of you a huge, belated thank you for your replies.

After I posted my initial message, I got busy cleaning and getting ready for my friend’s visit. Then he came. Then he left. After that, I took two days off to sleep!

I wanted all of you to know your words help me a great deal. Before
I asked for advice, I was dreading everything and envisioning the worst happening. After reading your replies, I calmed down and took a more optimistic, gentle perspective on things. It worked. My friend’s visit went really well.

In a few days I’m leaving for NYC to go to BlogHer. I’m hoping to take your words with me there as well as I stay open to meeting new people and not give in to feeling inadequate because of my size.

greeneggsandtam: Thank you for your kindness!

astrophe: Thanks for sharing your experiences. I admire your strength and success in being able to get back into the world and to no longer need Paxil. I hope you’re continuing to conquer. 
justwant2Bhealthy: I really, really appreciated your advice. Your words were so lovely. Using mantras is an awesome idea as is role playing. When I’m in NYC, this is exactly what I’m going to do. You planted that seed, and I am so thankful you did.
mountain walker: Thank you for sharing your experiences. There’s a comfort in knowing someone else can relate to what you’re going through. I admire you for finding ways to move beyond feeling out of place and to find ways to make yourself feel better.

Blueeyedhay: Best wishes to you as well! We will do this!
Vortex_VVV: You make a really really good point. When I’m not caught up in a mental loop of feeling bad about myself for getting to this weight, I do think about how there are more obese people. Not only that, but there are more people out there who had at one time been overweight, lost the weight, and, even though they look thin, have empathy for, and compassion for, overweight people. I appreciate your suggestion to take more of an intellectual perspective on things rather than let myself stay stuck in negative thoughts and visions. Thank you.

mysleepingdragon: Thank you so, so, so much for your post. It made a tremendous impact on me. While I’m younger than you (I’ll be 43 in September), I, too, feel vulnerable. I never realized it until I read your post and felt as though your words resonated with me. One of the things that was starting to bother me was this fear that had been creeping in that had never been there before—fearing falling down stairs or an escalator, losing my balance, etc, etc. It made me very uncomfortable, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. You nailed it. It’s vulnerability.

On the second day of my friend’s visit, we were walking down a sidewalk I had walked down a million times before. A big chunk of the curb is missing. Somehow, my foot got caught in that part of the curb and I fell down. I can’t remember the last time I fell anywhere. Luckily, nothing was broken. I’m leg is just very swollen and bruised. However the experience made me think of your post and how I never would have thought that carrying so much extra weight would have such an impact on aging. Of course anyone, any age or weight has the potential to fall. The thing is, the experience really scared me and, thanks to your words, I better understand why.

P.S: I checked out your wonderful blog and bought a copy of “One Bowl: A Guide to Eating for Body and Spirit”. I’m going to start reading it this week.

kelly315: Yes! Such good advice. After reading your post, I realized my thoughts are mostly directed at being critical of myself or critical of other people and only a small percentage of the time am I actually practicing compassion. Even then it has to be something big that moves me to feel compassion. Having thought about it, I really want to make compassion a regular practice along with regular exercise and eating well.

martini & Baby Blue Eyes: Thank you joining in on the thread!