I feel a bit more comfortable posting this here versus the 20-somethings area, so please bare with me!
Anyway, currently I live with boyfriend and the rest of his family. In addition to us there are 6 other adults, and a 1 year old baby boy. Do not misunderstand me when I say that I ADORE his family, and would do anything for them! However, I'm at my wit's end! Everything just stresses me out here, and I have absolutely no privacy. Eric (my boyfriend) and I share a bedroom. Which means that even our desks are in here. Try doing homework when someone else is playing a video game right behind you, lol.
My point here is... All of my business is public. If I choose to not eat the horribly, fatty, deep fried food his mother makes, she announces to everyone that "OH SHE'S ON A DIET GUYS! SHE WON'T EAT THIS, IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER NOW!" Seriously, I know she means well. I really do. But it's like WTF leave me alone!
My question is, how do I deal with this and remain successful? I feel so much pressure to continue to eat like crap, and I just want to succeed! Any help would be amazing!
I would listen to soft music with earphones to be able to concentrate in a crowded room, and I would offer to help in the kitchen preparing something lighter. Then you eat what you prepared and a tiny portion of what DMinL prepared. How do you like that?
I actually cook my own food and if it's not terrible I eat a portion of it. She makes everything quick and easy, so truly there's no help to be offered. And I already do the headphone trick and trust me it just doesn't even help! Blah. As soon as Eric and I file our taxes and I buy a car, our own place is coming back into the conversation.
lol, if my MIL said something like that I would likely say something like 'TECHNICALLY, it's not good enough for anyone here... but what you choose to cook is exactly that. WHAT YOU CHOOSE. And I choose not to eat it." But of course, I'm outspoken and I'm not fond of my MIL, lol... Maybe MIL can take you shopping, and you guys can learn a more healthy way of eating together? Besides, that food is killing her too..
Is there a way you can have you BF turn down his video games? Or besides wearing headphones, is there another place in the house that you could study at? A corner with a chair, anything? I do know that when I decided to do this whole lifestyle thing, I did it for me, and I had to start putting me first part of the time. And that was hard, but it was necessary. For at least a while, I had to come first, until I got into the groove.
You are currently living in someone else's house. That is a very difficult position to be in, as you really can't ask others to change for you, in their own home, nor are they under any obligation to do so. People resist change, even if they know it's good for them. You are making very positive and healthy changes, they aren't ready to, and may never be.
You really only have two choices. Learn to ignore it (I couldn't do that), or move out. Neither are easy. Moving out will be the best solution, so I would do that if I were you and if it were financially possible. It's really not a great living situation anyway.
Personally, I would find another roommate to live with before I would spend much more time there. Even though they have opened their home to you, it doesn't sound like it's working out.
Hang in there. We're here as a sounding board when things get too crazy!
I just wanted to say I really feel for you. I lived with my fiancee (boyfriend at the time) in his family's home for a few years. We had "most" of the basement, but his family is Catholic and his minor sister still lived at home, so to set a proper example, I was to sleep in the guest room upstairs.
They let us stay there because we decided to go back to school full time. It was so generous, so I really felt like I couldn't ever say a negative thing about the household operations. For over two years, I did not discuss food preferences, complain about noise, complain about the farce of our sleeping situations, etc. I didn't feel like I could... I was basically a long-term guest.
I would caution you and your boyfriend to be very careful, and seek the end of this living arrangement as soon as it is reasonably possible. We suffered some long-term damage to our closeness and intimacy that literally took years to work through. We are engaged now, but if you asked me a year after we moved out of this situation, I would have told you I didn't know how our future would turn out. The stress of our living arrangements was the direct cause for this. We were both so unhappy with how things were, and it became toxic for us.
Focus on your relationship with your boyfriend, and on what you can both do to make this situation as tolerable for one another as possible. You should ask him to play his games with headphones on, and not to talk excessively on voice chat while you are doing schoolwork. If he is unwilling, you should ask him to find you another QUIET place in the house for you to work. Set aside schoolwork hours and "play" hours, so he doesn't get too stressed accommodating you. Discuss your stress with him, it's his family and he will be more comfortable dealing with them.
You are currently living in someone else's house. That is a very difficult position to be in, as you really can't ask others to change for you, in their own home, nor are they under any obligation to do so. People resist change, even if they know it's good for them. You are making very positive and healthy changes, they aren't ready to, and may never be.
You really only have two choices. Learn to ignore it (I couldn't do that), or move out. Neither are easy. Moving out will be the best solution, so I would do that if I were you and if it were financially possible. It's really not a great living situation anyway.
Personally, I would find another roommate to live with before I would spend much more time there. Even though they have opened their home to you, it doesn't sound like it's working out.
Hang in there. We're here as a sounding board when things get too crazy!
I agree.
If it were me I would be looking for another place to live.
You are definately in a hard place. I'm not sure you can live anywhere else but if it were an option it is probably the best choice for everyone. Families are tough, others families are tough, and as much as we adore people sometimes that makes it even harder. We feel like we "owe them" for their support or we feel stuck because we can't afford to live somewhere else.
Is Eric your fiance or just a boy friend? Do you plan on spending your life with him? If you do, it would be very valuable to both of you to learn how to give and take now as well as how to communicate with one another so you are both happy (i.e. Come up with a plan that he can play his games and you can study and both of you are happy). And if he will be in your life then his family will be too so being able to talk to his mother and tell her "I really appreciate that you let me live her and that you cook meals for me but I am really trying to lose weight and eat healthy and when you make comments about how you think that I think your food is not good enough for me it makes me sad and angry. Sad because I don't want to hurt you because I love you and angry because I don't feel like you are supporting me being healthy. Is there something we can do to make us both feel better about this?" It is hard to have these conversations but when you do the work to be good communicators, it can only benefit your whole situation. I hope it gets better soon.
Thanks guys for all of your wonderful comments/suggestions! My stress level is just so high lately, blah. And yes, I have realized I can't really do too much about my situation other than suck it up or move.
We are planning on moving as soon as we file our taxes. Both of us are receiving 1099's so we're not sure how much we will owe. I've also had car problems, etc. As soon as those are taken care of, we will go put a deposit on the apartment we want.
To whomever asked if we plan on staying together, yes definitely! We're just going though a tough time and want to stop this stress before it gets worse. I couldn't imagine my life with anyone different and we speak of marriage often.
I am so thankful to have you guys in my life because I feel like I'm seriously not doing this journey alone!
Can your boyfriend buy some "headphones" to block out his game noise: not sure what kind of set-up he has. If both of you wear headphones: I mean the kind that totally cover your ears, not just earphones. We did that so we could listen to our stereos and TV's but not bother each other.
It is hard when living with family for sure; I would just ignore the comments and just continue as you are for now -- plan & dream about getting your own place as soon as you can ...
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 01-27-2012 at 03:59 PM.
Uncomfortable family situation...
