For 4 weeks I went to OA meetings. I met a lot of great people found amazing support and felt the drive I needed. I went to 3 meetings a week and every time I left I had more reason to push forward. I did what everyone said I bought and read their literature but then it came time to get a sponsor. Someone to call my food into? I'm not ok with that. Handing all my problems over to god believing in him and myself admitting I have a huge problem no problem. I am powerless out of control and sick. Just like all the diets, plans, WW and everything else under the sun of tried the drive just stopped. I was all out of reasons to do the right thing, feel the right way, want to change. Now here I am hopeless lost sad and disappointed in myself for the 10th time over again. Where do I go now? I went to a meeting last night hoping that someone there would tell me something I needed, tell me something that made it all fit again. I stayed listened prayed and then took off. In the moment I needed to be there the most I high tailed it right out the door with only hugging one person. I got in my car and drove through the drive through, came home where my husband was sound asleep and stuffed my face full of disgusting crap. For what reason? To get up and scour the internet for a self help book I haven't read? To pull up the list of meetings and look at which one I could make today? This afternoon while having a visit with my FIL with my kids one of my relatives told him that at a recent family event another relative was talking about how over weight my husband and I were. I was so angry and was ready to call this man and verbally abuse him, but why? Was what he said untrue? No. I'm mad at myself. I'm ashamed of how I look and who I am. Not ashamed enough to stop stuffing as much food as I possibly can down my throat. In OA I have heard stories of people who were in way worse situations then I am in now and they found recovery. Amazing people with amazing stories, people who turned to OA when they had nowhere else to go. Am I just not at bottom yet? I'm angry, confused, sad, and just disappointed. I don't know what to do or where to go.
You were going to OA for four weeks. You had one bad night and a binge. I would think there was something there that you would have had to face and your weren't quite ready for, which is why you turned around. A self revelation perhaps? Whatever it was, it sent you into overload. You didn't have a new coping mechanism ready, so you turned to your old one, food, for comfort.
If OA has been working for you, please, go back to OA. Call your sponsor. Talk with them. Talk to people here. Know that we have all been there, hating ourselves while we stuff our face with stuff. You can find your way out of this pain. Give yourself a giant hug and know that you are worth loving yourself. You are worth the time and effort to do what you need to do to make you happy. Food isn't going to do that. The only thing that will is loving yourself and finding things other than food to soothe the pain and fear.
I can absolutely relate to not wanting to "phone" my food intake to someone.
That's why I think this forum is great - I can say things to people I only know through this forum far more easily than I can my best friend!
Who else but fellow 300+ member understands the embarassment of not being able to do a car seat belt up??? Or not fitting into a 'plane seat belt ( my own personal trigger for this weight loss effort)????
AND I am 53 and still trying to lose the weight I put on in my 20s for various reasons I won't bore you with. The important thing is I am trying again, and I know my health and my self esteem will thank me for it sooner or later.
Someone on 3fc and forgive me, I can't remember who, said I accept I WILL fall off the wagon sometime, but I will not beat myself about it, I will accept it and move on. Wise words!!!!!!!!
There is a Japanese saying - something along the lines of "On the best day and the worst day - the sun sets."
In other words, everything passes....... start tomorrow with a new heart....
Big smiles!!!!! Mrs T
PS - Easy to give advice- I need to take my own advice too!!!!!!!!
Whatever you do, do not let your coming home and stuffing your face as an excuse to quit. You cannot say "Screw it. I have already blown it and I cannot do this..." You know, those things you say to yourself to let yourself lapse comfortably back in with your friend Mr. Donut? At least that is what I do. I eat in sort of a slip when I am feeling sad or angry (or... whatever) and then do not just treat it like a slip, but instead a beginning of a full blown reversal or relapse.
You have to stop yourself, tell yourself to get right back on your diet (for you, your kids, your hubby). You suck it up and pretend to be strong until strength and resolve return for real.
I completely get that feeling of anger when you heard someone was talking about your weight. I bet everyone here does. I am not going to tell you to reason through it. I can't. If you can't either maybe you should just set it aside. There is nothing that you can do. People will talk about it, just like you may talk about someone who has anorexia. I say anorexia because I talk about some people in my life who have it. I bet they would not like it, never the less there I am. So it is what it is right. Once you have shed some pounds people will be talking about how good you look right?! Chin up. In the morning, you get right back on your diet, figure out if OA is your bag and put one foot in front of the other. pretty soon you will be walking.
If OA is the right choice for you, then go again. Go again, and again, and again. Keep going to meetings, even if you can't yet find the ability to follow the rest of the program. Keep going, because at some point it WILL click. At some point you WILL find what works for you.
You really aren't alone. While I'm not an OA member, I do know the feelings associated with overeating and binge eating. Many 3FC members do.
Thank you all for your support. Nothing is better then truly knowing you're not alone. I will take your quote with me MrsTee. I look forward to getting to know you ladies better.
i think your fear of having a sponsor stems from a fear of being accountable. if you have to admit that you ate something you already feel bad about eating, you think they are going to make you feel worse. although i have not had a sponsor, i have friends that are sponsors in AA and its not about making you feel guilty, but talking you through why you're doing what you're doing.
remember when you always do what youve always done, you'll always get what you always got.
You always have new beginning the next day. One day will turn into another and another. Do what feels right in your heart not your belly. Talking to us helps and is a step to accountability. Thats a great step.
You can do it. And a sponsor isn't someone to make you feel guilty they're there to help you. There is no OA here and I live in a SMALL town so nothing is truely anonymous here you know everyone in some way or another.
we all have to find what works for us. I do well when I have a lot of moral support, thats why I do so well with my workouts not as well with my eating. There's way more encouragment to work harder at a workout class, than say someone cheering for you b/c you turned down a cookie lol
Why don't you want a sponsor ? They are there to help you with much more than your food. A sponsor is someone who has walked the same road you are walking now and understands the pain and struggle. They have been through it and can be of great help to you.
I hear what your saying princesspuffypants and I do agree that is a big part of it, I guess there are a lot parts of me that doesn't want to have to check in with someone every day. It makes my problem more real and makes me realize just how out of control I am. I was in a very bad place when I typed this blog and I have been continuing on my journey and going to meetings and up until last night I haven't gotten anything out of it. Last night something changed something happened and it gave me exactly what I needed. I went to a meeting tonight and I am open to the idea of having a sponsor. I put it out there that I am looking and I'm ready to take the rest of this long road on right now. You all know without a doubt how it feels to be all in your head to feel like there is nowhere to go but you're on the move towards something. This website was my pitstop and I can't thank you all enough for being here for me. I don't know where i'm going to end up or how i'm going to make it through tomorrow but again you all know that feeling, thanks so much again!
What an accomplishment - just to keeping going to OA is brilliant in itself! Take one day at a time and beleive me (and I'm sure you know already) the days will add up. It feels s-l-o-w progress sometimes, but one day of healthy choices - you're body will LOVE you for it -and in the end repay you in so many ways...I'm beginning to feel a lot more energetic after only 25 days..
Wow. I had nearly the same experience with OA. Went to meetings for a few weeks, got literature, listened to amazing stories, made some good connections.
Then I got hooked up with a sponsor and realized that they wanted me to not only report AHEAD OF TIME what I was going to eat, but that they wanted it to the measurement. Lord, I don't know what I'm going to have for breakfast in the morning let alone dinner tomorrow night! Most of the time I don't even do the cooking or else I'm not at my house to begin with, so the food isn't plannable in that respect! I totally get what you don't like about it. But I agree with everyone else. And in retrospect, I wish I'd come here when this happened to me. It's no reason to quit. If OA is doing good for you, that's great. And you know what? Put off a sponsor for a few weeks. No one says you HAVE to have a sponsor or you need one at a certain time. And the sponsor will understand your reluctance. Work on some other steps first if you decide to go back!
And most of all, keep coming back HERE. We're ALWAYS here for you. <3<3<3
You can only sponsor up to the steps that you have completed. I am working the oa program but directly from the big book. I do want to sponsor although I have never done it before. But I believe that you dont need to tell your sponsor what you are eating nor do you need to measure it and weigh it every meal. I believe thats trading one obsession for another. Although its a much healthier one. I also believe that everyones definition of abstinence is different. What works for some wont work for others. We overeat and binge because we dont know how to listen to our feelings and to give them the credit that they deserve and work through them. I believe with the right support system when you fix the inside the outside will slowly but surely fix itself. If you wanna talk more, Im open to phone calls and texting if you are text savvy? You arent alone. And I would love to help as much as I can by sharing with you and being there for you.
What now?
