I have to say at this point I believe photos, but not the mirror. I feel delusionally beautiful in the mirror then I see photos with my friends and cringe a little. In my head I'm still 200 lbs, a little chubby but not that fat. I notice this most when I dream, I dream I still have cute hair, and I dream I am still a size 16 ish. I wake up and sigh, because I realise that how I feel is not how I really am! If only!
IDK in my life I am the only severely severley obese person I know. So its hard for me to connect my real appearance with my reality. I am also stubbornly active, I walk everywhere, I take aerobics class, I go to the gym. I dance every chance I get. And I don't let being obese stop me from doing most of it.
It really doesn't help that almost everyone treats me like I am normal just like them. Really its only children that EVER say anything hurtful and honestly I know they just don't know any better yet. {Doesn't mean I don't get hurt feelings in the moment like when kids go "Whoaaa She's BIG" all in awe....})
IDK I forget most of the time that I'm gargantuaine.
PS the only time I feel "offensive" is when I am in tight spaces, like a plane, or a sporting event. I feel horrible for people stuck sitting next to me. It does stop me from doing things sometimes. But not always... other than health thats the other reason I want to lose weight. I hate feeling like I'm invading another persons personal space just because I am too big. :-|
I totally hear what you are saying, Lynnie, but it is good that you took a "starting" photo. Everyone that i see on here who has lost a significant amount and didn't take a full set of pics at the beginning is sorry that they didn't have a true baseline for comparison - even if it may be very hard took at. I would recommend that you either pick a set time interval or pounds interval to keep taking pics. Being able to see the difference that you can't see day-to-day should be inspirational.
Worst case you can always delete them, but if you don't take them, you can't reproduce that, you know?
I took the starting photo but I am afraid to take anymore photos. I don't know maybe this weekend I will take some more pictures.
I'm the same. When I look in the mirror fully clothed I think I look ok. But when I catch my reflection while I'm out I feel really self conscious. And sometimes I feel tall and can feel that I've lost weight. Other times I can feel every single extra pound on me. I wore a long white top with leggings the other day while doing a performance and at home I thought I looked quite good. People took photos of me and tagged me on facebook, but when I look at them I think I look awful. I was wearing the same outfit and was the same weight!! Its a bit crazy really
I have major issues with how I view myself. I spent this past weekend at Disney World with my family. I've been there a million times - at a million weights - and never had a problem fitting into rides. But everytime I'm waiting in line about to board something, I freak out.
"I hope my butt fits"
"Mom, make sure my belt buckles"
My mom always has to reassure me that everything is okay. Everytime I see another obese person I have to ask - "Am I smaller than that person?"
My family is very patient with my body image anxiety but every now and then someone lashes out with - "Do you think you're a monster? You're not that enormous; relax!"
I know that even when I lose my 200lbs, I will see myself as a 375lb monster.
I took the starting photo but I am afraid to take anymore photos. I don't know maybe this weekend I will take some more pictures.
Lynn
Remember - you don't have to share them with anyone ever! But I'll bet that you'll want to share the ones you take once you are satisfied that they show awesome progress. And they will, though I know it is hard to believe at this point. Be strong!
I was terrified of working out in public too. Not necessarily because of how big I was at that point but because of how out of shape I was.
I found the walk at home dvds and those are amazing. You dont have to leave your living room. Im not saying you shouldnt work out in public dont get me wrong. But for me being comfortable in the privacy of my own home was a stepping stone to being active outside the home.
I didn't even know about that site..I could spend hours looking at it.
I find it really depends on my mood because when I feel good I think "well, my reflection isn't so bad..just a bit of flab" but a few hours later I'll look in the mirror and be horrified at how disgusting I am. This morning I almost cried when I saw myself getting into the shower...boobs sagging, stomach huge, that overhang so big I can't even find my crotch..*shudders* it's terrible.
It's hard to really have an accurate idea of how we look, at least that's my opinion.
So, wait. Some of you actually believe that you are/were obese due to something outside of your control?
I'm sorry, but we didn't get here by some bout of bad luck.
We got here because we ate too much of the wrong things and didn't exercise enough.
Being obese is a choice and that's actually good news.
When we stop eating all the cr@p and start moving, even a little, we can lose weight.
Don't hate yourself because you are obese, but don't kid yourself about how you got there either.
Now, about body image, here's the thing: no matter what your size, there will always be someone who looks better than you do and someone who looks worse than you do.
So, it really doesn't make sense to compare yourself to others.
I have lost 18 pounds in the past couple of months and I really can't see any difference on myself. I have some pants that are looser, but I haven't even lost enough for anyone to notice yet. I keep wondering how much it will take before someone notices. 25 pounds? 50?
There'sa metaphor out there, specifically for this way of thinking:
Take a full roll of paper towel, and tear off 1 sheet. Did the paper towel roll get much smaller? Did it circle the roll even once, or did you tear it off before it made it around? Now take an almost empty roll and tear off 1 sheet. Notice you had to go around the roll a full turn or two? Doesn't the roll look significantly smaller now?
That's the difference between larger and smaller women. Same sheet of paper, different looks.
Congrats on the 18 pound loss!
So, wait. Some of you actually believe that you are/were obese due to something outside of your control?
I'm sorry, but we didn't get here by some bout of bad luck.
We got here because we ate too much of the wrong things and didn't exercise enough.
Being obese is a choice and that's actually good news.
When we stop eating all the cr@p and start moving, even a little, we can lose weight.
Don't hate yourself because you are obese, but don't kid yourself about how you got there either.
You know, I try not to post when I'm angry but I can't just let this stand. I hate to be the one to break this to you but not everyone is the same. Not everyone has issues putting down the fork. You might feel that it's as simple as eat less, exercise more but sometimes there are other factors and as much as I really never wanted to talk about this again, I'm going to tell you a little about my childhood.
I had a mother who made it a hobby to be cruel to my sister and I. When my sister moved out when I was 4, all that hostility got turned towards me. She would go out and buy a half gallon of ice cream and tell me to eat it. If I didn't eat it before it went freezer burned I'd get hit... a lot. Then, if she went for some and it was gone I'd get hit more... a lot. She did similar mind games with soda and cookies, etc. When dinner time came around if I was home alone it meant I was having spaghettio's because I was too little to use the stove and the microwave was my only option. When she was home, she'd cook what she wanted to eat and would serve me a portion. A portion an adult would like, but I was all of 6 at the time. If I didn't clear my plate guess what happened to me... I got hit.
I remember one time during the summer she made tuna casserole and because it was so hot we were going to eat in the living room so we could sit with the fan. I dropped my scalding hot plate of food because it was over flowing and I couldn't really balance it in my little hands. It burned my legs badly and I got hit for wasting food right on my injured legs so I would know not to do it again. Tell me where my choice was in there. I was terrified. I was a size 14 in second grade, a size 22 in 7th grade, and senior year I was a 30/32. Now granted, from the time I moved out my weight has been all my own doing. I would like to say overcoming 18 years of abuse was pretty difficult though and I had enough trouble adjusting to life without it. Still to this day I flinch when someone raises their voice, even to laugh, because I'm waiting for the impact. I've struggled to not feel compelled to clear my plate or the fridge for that matter. When I first got married I remember my husband saying "ah man the milk went bad" and sobbing because I was expecting him to hit me because I didn't finish it. A person who never so much a glanced at me in a bad way and I was afraid he was going to hit me. While I realize my upbringing isn't the norm, I do get very angry when people make ignorant stereotypical comments and I feel that's what your comments were to me. It's offensive at best and to me you're blaming the victim in this case and that is beyond wrong.
As far as exercise goes, I loved riding my bike as a kid, I loved swimming during the summer and I used to pine for days where I could go to the park. My mother on the other hand wouldn't let me ride my bike without her watching, she wouldn't let me go to the park alone because it was 'out of shouting distance and pervs hang out at the park' and I was only able to swim between the end of June and the end of August because I live in New England. As far as her coming out to watch me ride my bike or take me to the park... well that would cut into her 'play time' at the bars, or with her boyfriends and her addict friends. We lived in a nice quiet middle class neighborhood and there was no reason for her to keep me caged like that, yet she did. If I disobeyed her I got hit. If I ran around the house, I'd get hit. I got slapped for playing quietly with my dolls once because she could hear me talking.
I would really love to know where my choice was prior to the damage being done. I can tell you now, I've chosen to eat healthier and exercise, but it took a long time to realize that I'm an adult and my life is my own. I've chosen to lose the weight for good and not let food be my addiction the way drugs and alcohol were for her. I use my hatred of her as motivation to never be like her, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't even drink... ever... for fear of ending up like her. My choices now are still influenced by the damage she did, but I see it for what it is now. I'm sorry if this came out as hostile but thinking about her and the things I've had to endure in my life make me so angry and the fact that you could honestly believe that being obese is a lifestyle choice... umm no. Not for an abused child. When they get older, perhaps then they have a choice, but not until they deal with the massive trauma inflicted upon them. I hope for your sake you never had to deal with abuse, but at the same time I hope this opens your eyes. The sad thing is, these were the smaller acts of violence against me, my sister and my brother. Sorry this went off topic everyone. I hope I made my point beginme, because you have certainly made yours.
Laura- That's i an awesome way to think about weight loss. I might have to borrow that if that's ok.
Last edited by Cakegirl27; 04-13-2011 at 08:15 PM.
Reason: edited for a lot of typos
Cakegirl27 Your post really touched me. Abuse is something that can take a lifetime to overcome and I applaud you for coming this far. I wasn't abused as a child but was in an abusive situation and after being with an abusive boyfriend I know how it feels to still be flinching at things. I have to say the post you were replying to also offended me but I just couldn't figure what to say lol it's sad that even on a site this supportive you can still find the attitude of "well it's your own **** fault". Most of us are honest with ourselves in the fact that we didn't help ourselves but the point is we're trying now. A lot of us have emotional and psychological scars (and others have medical conditions) that have brought us to the weight we are but we're working on it.
I didn't have abusive parents but I was sexually abused as a child and can understand how abuse and weight come together and it's a **** of a thing to overcome.
But we can and we will overcome.
abbysue715, I was... er... am also still really terrified of exercising in public. I have a gym membership that I will use over being out in public.
It's yet another fear I have to get over.
Last edited by thebodydiaries; 04-13-2011 at 07:08 PM.
ilidawn- Thank you. I'm sorry that you know first hand what its like to be abused. I truly wish no one had to know what its like in any capacity. I was having some serious posting remorse over that thread. I have spent my whole life hiding what happened to me and outright lying about it because I was so ashamed. What made me start being truthful with myself and pretty much everyone was that I felt so alone when it was happening and I don't want one person out there to feel alone. You know what I mean?
It goes against my nature to air dirty laundry like that, but the attitude that everyone fits into a cookie cutter stereotype really bothers me, especially on this board. Everyone here is trying to achieve a similar goal: weight loss. We are here to support each other, not tear each down. I really hope I didn't come off as attacking that poster because that wasn't my intent. I've dealt with enough negativity from people who know nothing about me my entire life and I really don't want to see this board trend that way. I'd be a very sad panda if that were the case.
Thebodydiaries- Again, I'm sorry you had that happen in your life. We will overcome it and be better for it, stronger even. It's not easy trying to move forward and seek positive influences. I believe with all of my heart that it takes a strong person to stop the cycle. Not just the cycle of abuse, but of addiction, of destructive behavior and thinking that stem from the abuse. It takes a lot of courage and effort to pick up the pieces and put ourselves together again. Bravo for everyone that does, yourself included. We will overcome.
As for the actual topic at hand, it is hard to accurately see yourself. I'm a few pounds away from 200lbs lost and I think I look exactly the same and still have the same body issues. I still worry about things breaking under my weight and fitting into booths and seat belts. I'm always surprised when I fit into small spaces or can squeeze into smaller clothes that I don't see how I could fit in. It's getting a touch better the more comfortable I become in my own skin. I guess it takes time for the mind and body to catch up with each other.
Cake girl- hugs to you! It took courage to share your story. No person, let alone an innocent child, should be treated the way you were.
I don't understand why anyone would want to get intona discussion about why we all have weight to lose get healthy on a thread about confusing body image internalization. That seems unproductive, if not hurtful (to you and those in your situation). We all have had different paths to where we are and we will all have to find our own paths forward. But this thread is about the bizarre way we see ourselves in different contexts.
And on that note, my guess (based on nothing but my own experience, and reading about the experiences of others on here) is that humans are not built to identify small gradual changes, just sudden dramatic ones. We are preprogrammed to identify ourselves as a constant (our identity). That would be adaptively advantageous. We are who we are. The problem arises when our physical shape changes whether it be aging or gaining weight. Our natural instinct is to try to still believe we are the same as we always were. But eventually something happens to shake us out of that natural belief. Whether it is suddenly reaizing our wrinkles or our true size/shape. It shakes us out of that belief that nothing's changed. My guess is that those of us on this subforum are innately less good at recognizing those changes and/or have been actively (intentionally) ignoring them b/c we weren't ready to deal with the consequences (that would be me I'm talking about, not nec others).
So it makes sense to me that the same rule would apply to us "on the way down" - that we aren't good at really recognizing the losses we are going through. For some reason the problem is lessened the further removed we are from the view (it is easier to identify gains and losses in photographs vs mirror - which wew still strongly indentify as ourselves).
This all my random stream of conciousness, but it makes sense to me. . Take it as you will.
Last edited by ilbnej; 04-13-2011 at 10:26 PM.
Reason: Typos
I used to wonder all the time how it was that I wore the same size as women who were significantly smaller than me. Perhaps I used that to delude myself into thinking I look better than I do? One of my doctors recently told me that it depends on how long the person has been obese--if it's been a lifelong thing, that person's body composition tends to be different. So in my case, it made a lot of sense that my body was the same size (or smaller) at the same weight because I have been overweight for my whole life whereas that other person may have just recently gained weight as an adult.
Regardless, I am trying to train myself to get out of the habit of comparing myself to other people. I'm just trying to make myself the best I can be
. Take it as you will.
