Okay, I do get the physical-discomfort aspect of it. My impetus for losing this weight was a trip to the Superdome to watch the Saints play. I watched heavily pregnant women and old men and little kids negotiate the long walk to our cheap seats with ease while I was questioning whether my body would hold out for me to do it. It embarrassed and shamed me in front of my friend who'd come all the way from Calgary to see this game with us.

I was pretty offended with myself, let me tell you. It decided me that I had to make a change.

But it's harder to understand the "unattractive" thing you're talking about. Your picture profile is not of a person who is offensive to the eyes, because of her weight or any other reason. Do you look at other people and find them offensive for their appearance? There are a lot of folks roaming the earth who look decidedly more different from the norm than you do (and not just weight-wise); do they offend you when you see them? Should people who've had eating disorders and become uncomfortably thin hide their "shame" in their homes so you don't have to see it? How about people who've been burned? Does it matter if they burned themselves on accident or on purpose, or should they all just hide away to avoid being "offensive?"

I'm betting you don't believe that about others. So why do you treat yourself that way? Why do you hold yourself to a standard you don't expect others to maintain?

And I do think there's something to the "control" thing, but control and willpower are NOT the only prerequisites for weight-loss success, and a lack of them is NOT what makes people fat. I am 100% positive that you know at least one friend or family member who can out-eat you, yet weighs less. There is a strong genetic component to fat gain and retention; you and I and a lot of other folks here, we're predisposed to gain easily. I'm "out of control" only in that eating exactly as my friends and office-mates did added sixty pounds to me in a year while they gained five to ten. They're not more virtuous than I am--they were just luckier. ;)

It's no more unfair that some of us are genetically "gifted" with efficient fat gain and retention than it is that some of us are tall or short or redheaded. We make it such a moral judgement: fat is lazy, slovenly, careless, out of control, and bad; thin is energetic, careful, controlled, pretty, and good. Get past that by any means necessary, because it does you no good and punishes you needlessly. You are where you are--move ahead to where you want to be, which you're doing a great job of. :)

The "look in the mirror and find at least one thing to love for every thing that you hate" trick was a little tough for me once upon a time, but it gets easier. It really helps--in my case maybe too much, as I'm in danger of becoming vain about my wicked awesome rack. :D

Seriously, you deserve to be nicer to you. You're doing a great job of reshaping yourself; look forward to more of that rather than indulging in self-flagellation for needing to do it in the first place. :)

kaplods, thanks for the book suggestions. Admittedly, I am firmly in the camp that clamors to cry, "Weak! Lazy! Stupid!" I feel that way about myself foremost, but subconsciously (or semi-consciously) I suppose I project that onto all obese people. On its face, I see this: I've chosen to eat toxic garbage, and I've chosen not to exercise, so I've chosen this. And if I chose to be what I hate about myself and what the world hates about me, what strength could there possibly be to my character?

You're right — it does have a lot to do with factors that have been in place since long before I could correct them (I've been fat — albeit not this fat — since I can remember). And you're absolutely right about the skewed perception of so-called faults depending on the size of a person. Intellectually, I know that's wrong, and I know it's problematic to think this way. I just ordered the Kessler book on Amazon. For all the fiction I read, I could stand to be reading something that could teach me something about myself. So thanks. :hug:

Nola Celeste, you're right — I certainly do not think burn victims or anyone else should hide inside so other people don't have to see them. And I understand the incongruity between how I look at other people and how I look at myself, but when it comes down to it, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like I have to apologize for existing this way.

I'm just so ashamed all the time — even alone at home. There's nothing I can honestly say I like about myself except my teeth, which were capped after being chipped in an accident :^: Maybe if I were a confident person separately from my weight, I would feel differently. But all I've ever been to myself is fat, and if everyone hates fat people so much, there must be something horribly wrong with me, huh? As much as I'd like not to believe it, I do. And now on top of my normal serving of self-loathing, I think all day about how I'm going to ruin my cousin's wedding photos. Maybe kaplods' books will help. :shrug:

Well, I guess I commend your honesty in saying you take a dim view of fat people. It's a brave stand to take on a site called "3 Fat Chicks," I guess. :D

Who's this "everyone" who hates fat people so much? "Everyone" doesn't pay attention to you. As far as they're concerned, you don't merit as much attention as, say, a consideration of whether to wear the melon-colored lipstick or the red with that navy dress tonight. You're less important to "everyone" than whether to have a Coke with lunch or stick to tea. "Everyone" doesn't care if you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe or a booger hanging out or an extra hundred or two hundred pounds; "everyone" just wants your parking spot.

It took me a while to learn that, but it's true. Most people just don't notice others at all unless it's to think, "That's a pretty shade of red she's wearing" or "Nice boots" or at the worst, "I wonder what it's like to live in a body that tall/thin/fat/old?" And there is no judgement implicit in that, no loathing.

I mean, do you literally go around disgusted at people you see in real life because they don't look like people you see on television? No? Course not! Because you are "everybody" too and you also put a lot more thought into which lipstick you'll wear with the navy dress than into how other people look. ;)

The world does not give nearly as much thought to our appearance as we do.

As for the wedding pictures...you DO know why people take wedding pictures? It's so they can commemorate being happy with all their loved ones around them, not so they can use them as decorative accents. They're meaningful. Meaning supersedes superficial concerns about who is what shape.

Look, it took me a while to get to this point. My brother was 6'1", had natural straight black hair and green eyes, and did some occasional modeling work. My sister was a runner-up for Miss Louisiana in the late 1970s. Guess who always tried to be "the smart one" because she sure wasn't known as "the pretty one?" ;) When I look at pictures of them, it isn't to see how beautiful they were, it's to remember a family vacation or to recall a birthday party. It's because I love them and miss them. If I just wanted something pretty, I would put a potted plant there, not a picture of my Bubby or my Sis.

The only thing that could cast a pall on your cousin's wedding is to have a relative there who's so unhappy about herself that she turns a wedding into something All. About. Her. Your purpose is to be there for her sake, so relax and enjoy regardless of your size.

You're not going to ruin your cousin's wedding photos. Wedding photos aren't about creating a fashion-magazine-perfect layout, it's about capturing the celebration with family and friends.

I weighed nearly 400 lbs when I was a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding. The dresses were god-awful and unflattering on everyone (the fabric was a weird holographic satin that looked neon orange in some light, neon pink in others, and a coral/peach color in others). My theory is the more ridiculous the bridesmaids look, the better the bride looks in comparison.

The dresses were so hideous, I can't even say that I looked worse than the other (thinner, and one pregnant) bridesmaids.

My husband and I both were at our heaviest on our own wedding day (me 6 lbs under and hubby 8 lbs over the 400 lb mark), and it didn't "ruin" our photos. No matter how much we lose, I won't hide those photos, because happiness is beautiful even when "worn" by a super-obese couple.

I wasn't always this happy, but I learned that you cou can choose what to believe about yourself (even if the whole world disagrees), and even when you doubt that belief, you can act as if you believe. And the longer you act as if, the easier it will to become in fact.

I tried "hating myself thinner" and it never worked.

"Loving myself to thinner" has been a lot more fun, and a lot more effective. When I tried to lose weight by punishing my "lazy, crazy, stupid" self eventually I either believed I truly was lazy, crazy, and stupid - which only made weight loss harder, because if I was any of those things, I was pretty much doomed to failure. After all, lazy, crazy, and stupid people don't follow through on things they start, right? So if I believed I was lazy, crazy, and stupid - of course I failed, because it was what I expected of myself.

And if I suspected that I wasn't lazy, crazy, or stupid, well then why on earth was I punishing myself? I'd get sick of the punishment and decide I didn't deserve all that punishment, boredom and suffering and I'd ditch the diet and "reward myself" by eating what I wanted.



When I decided that I was a great person (or at least deserved to be as much as anyone else), then I wanted to live up to my potential. When I looked at healthy changes as a way to pamper my wonderful self, I found ways to reward myself in ways that would help me get healthier. I envied wealthy folk who could afford the exclusive, luxury weight loss spa retreats, so I created that experience for myself. I found ways to pamper myself with health. I made healthy changes fun and exciting, so I'd want to make them.

It was little things at first, like "splurging" on fresh produce. I always considered "fancy" varieties of apple a ridiculous indulgence. $2.00 per pound seemed extravagent for apples, but trying new varieties was fun. I branched out to other "new" fruits, and I looked at it as a challenge and an adventure to find and taste healthy foods I'd never experienced. I decided that I'd rather have a healthy food adventure that tasted horrible than one that was boring. And some of my food adventures were horrible (cooking snails at home, definitely not an experiment I'm likely to repeat in the near future).

I looked at finding ways to move that were fun. My bicycle plans were a little overambitious. With my fibromyalgia and arthrits, I don't have very good balance on most days. I'm confident enough (or foolhardy enough) in my balance to ride only a few days a year in the late spring and early summer.

My balance ball - super purchase. It's fun and easy, and the kind of exercise I don't realize is exercise until I discover the next day that my legs are sore (I sit on the ball in front of the tv, or even at the computer for 20 minutes or so).

My MP3 player - great purchase. I move longer to fast-tempo'd music.

Once you start "rewarding" yourself, you start to see yourself as someone worth rewarding. It's hard to feel unhappy when someone is trying to make you smile - even if that someone is YOU!

I encourage you to pretend you're talking to someone who isn't you. Never treat yourself worse than you would treat someone else. It's ok to chide your inner bully, and say "Self, you stop talking to her that way. She's a wonderful person and you don't appreciate her as much as you should."

Yeah, it sounds crazy, but it's a lot saner than seeing yourself as unforgiveable for the "crime" of comforting yourself with food because it's the only comfort you allowed yourself and then punishing yourself for needing that comfort.

I know I tend to get on my soapbox about "lovinng yourself healthier" but it's because I think it's so important. I've had quite a bit of practice at it, and it's still so hard sometimes because we're taught to do the reverse. We're taught to punish ourselves with weight loss, even if we DON'T think we deserve it. It just becomes a habit. But it's a bad habit, and one every bit as self-destructive as overeating.

I went over to the Body Gallery to see my size and it is amazing what comes up for a size 22. The weight range and looks vary widely. I noticed in my own life that age also makes a big difference on how I look even at the same weight and height. I began to wonder if some of the ladies fudge their weight or if they are wearing hard core foundation garments like body shapers.

I feel you pain in worry about being in a wedding. I was recently in my sisters wedding and a size 22 while my sister and the other brides maids were a size 2. I kept telling myself she knew I was fat when she asked me to be in the wedding and if it bothered her she would have asked someone else. On a practical level I invested in foundation garments that the other girls did not have to wear. I also splurged on some pampering like getting my nails done and a facial right before the wedding. I looked as good as possible in a dress I did not pick. I did my best not to make her wedding about me and to be honest that was a challenge.

OH! How I have wanted to talk about this! I feel it too. I cannot grasp what I look like and I take lots of photo's. Some times I marvel at how much thinner I am, how I feel even thinner than I look. I even see it in the mirror and in the photo's......until another day I look at them and I wonder what made me kid myself like that! It depressed me to read on wikipedia that my BMI puts me at MORBID obese, right when I had thought I was approaching a more normal weight! It actually made me well up with tears, especially after a grueling week of dieting to break a stall.

I have no idea what I look like. I get NO feedback from my husband nor my family. It's like it's a taboo subject or something. I went to look for a photo I had taken last summer (had a bad sunburn) and was shocked to see myself at a time I felt so thin, so full of life and feeling on top of the world with my weight loss. I looked so heavy! So this is actually bothering me about now, am I kidding myself? Will I ever look normal? Will I always had that fat look? Some of this is kinda wrapped up in past issues and when I had lost 120 pounds before and felt like I was thrust into the spotlight, so unprepared.

I also remember the day I decided to lose weight....that first picture in my sig. I tried to smile, but I was horrified that I was topping over 300 pounds and pretending it didn't bother me! I remember not recognizing myself at all, like I was looking at a stranger! While my face is coming back to me, my body still looks alien. Can't wait to hear what others have experienced and what they do to move past the dissociation we get with our image or body.

About the wedding. To be clear: I DO NOT think it's this wedding is about me whatsoever. I also realize that my cousin will not ever look at those pictures and think, 'Gee, I wish she wasn't in them.' However, I'm terrified of the fact that when those pictures go up on Facebook, everyone who flips through them is going to notice the fat one. And some of them are going to joke about it. Yea, they're going to see my cousin first and see how gorgeous she looks, but they will notice me. And I'm not mentally prepared for that.

martinimous, I think about that all the time, too — will I ever really look normal? Am I just kidding myself that it's possible I'll blend in one day? :shrug: Guess we just have to believe we will, otherwise I'll never be able to keep going.

5aday, that's my plan, too. I'm going to get my hair done, manicure and pedicure, and I'm going to buy the most expensive self-tanner I can find in hopes of getting a decent color (weigh aside, my cousins are SO tan, and this ginger-colored dress is going to look terribly if I'm translucent). I've tried spray tanning in the past, and...it did not go well. :lol:

:foot:

That's not what I'm saying. I don't have a dim view of fat people. I just mean that, well, if you asked me for my honest opinion, I guess I'd have to say people my size are this way because of our own fault.

I think everyone on this site is absolutely amazing, supportive and inspiring. You guys are the ONLY reason I'm making it happen so far this time. :grouphug: So please don't get me wrong and think I hate fat people. I don't.


I really need to try this. I've been saying I would, but it never occurs to me on a day-to-day basis. I appreciate everything you've said, and I'm thinking a lot about it.

I'm glad you guys are giving Paradise a hard time about the "offensive weight" thing, because Paradise, I hope you see that truly you can't offend people with your weight. :hug: But on the other hand...boy do I understand! It took losing this weight for me to finally see myself as others always saw me. I didn't respect myself, and how is anyone else going to respect me if I can't? But I spend a lot of time looking at other people now, and watching how they interact and carry themselves, and I see no difference between the fat, the thin, and the in between. None! I respect everyone exactly the same and I treat them exactly the same.

I used to feel like I was an object people had to walk around, literally in the way. I have never viewed another human being that way, ever! Why did I put that on myself?

And I did the whole self-blame thing too. I did this to myself. It's my fault. I wouldn't go to the doctor because most of my ailments were weight related and it was my own darn fault so why should a doctor fix me? :dizzy: It's crazy when you stop and think about it! But when in it, the fog is too thick and you can't see out of it. There's no reasoning with it.

As for the whole body image thing, there was another site I saw once that posted pictures of several women at the same heights and weights ranging between a good 4 pants sizes in difference. That one was eye opening! Much more eye opening that the mygallery site. It was really cool. It showed why you can have two women the same height/weight wearing a couple sizes difference between them. You truly can't compare yourself to other women that way.

Unfortunately for me, it took losing the weight to lift the fog. :hug: I see it now, but I couldn't before. Couldn't. Could not. So I'm not sure any of us are going to change your opinion of yourself either. I urge you to just keep going, never give up, and make this happen for yourself. It's has been a miracle for my physical health, yes, but for my mental health as well. Commit to seeing this through, no matter what, especially when the scale stalls and when you feel like it's never going to happen. It will happen and you will be so much stronger for it. And you will see when you get to the end of your journey that you were never the person you thought you were in the first place. :)

I really depressed myself browsing through the photos. :(

I think that I might have an opposite problem - not seeing myself as fat as I really am.

Yet I am always feeling like the fattest person in the room -I guess my co-workers are really extra thin. I get what evertone is saying about offensively fat - I guess I don't feel that I offend, per se, but I DO feel like I stick out in most crowds.

I was looking at the 190 pictures .... I have this idea in my head that if I could just get under 200 pounds, I would feel "normal". I have not been under 200 pounds in 20 years. Yet I'm looking at those pics and thinking that I didn't realize that I looked a whole lot huge-er than many of the 190s right now. Which is crazy since its almost 30 pounds away.

I have lost 18 pounds in the past couple of months and I really can't see any difference on myself. I have some pants that are looser, but I haven't even lost enough for anyone to notice yet. I keep wondering how much it will take before someone notices. 25 pounds? 50?

Also - I looked at the 160 pictures, because I am 5'6" and always thought I'd look good with 150-160 as a goal weight. But after looking at the pics I am thinking that "thin enough" for me starts in the 140s, which depresses me even further. I honestly can't imagine getting under 150. Truthfully, 170 seems like it would be quite a feat.

My body image stinks, and apparently my perceptions are way, way, off, too.

My only solace is that people here seem to understand ...

The great thing about looking through those photos is that it lets you understand the amazing diversity of the human body.

The awful thing about looking through those photos is that it lets you understand the amazing diversity of the human body--and ultimately leaves you as mystifed about your own size and shape as you were before you looked at the pictures.

I get what you're saying about feeling as though you stick out in a crowd, but...well, maybe that depends on the crowds you see, I guess? I know that when I go shopping or head out to the museum, I don't stand out; I'm somewhere around the middle of the pack, in fact. Is that because New Orleanians tend to pack on extra pounds? It might be, because the food here is awfully tasty. :D

I don't know that it really matters that we see ourselves "as fat as we really are." If we're buying clothes that fit us well and if we can look in the mirror and see someone who is at least okay-looking staring back at us, then we're doing well. That's healthy, I think. That's what we should be aiming for if we aren't there yet--the ability to look in the mirror and think, "Yeah, I kinda like the way that chick looks."

Does it matter if it's "realistic" when you consider that the rest of the world also has distorted perspectives? There are going to be people whose ideal of beauty is a size 0 runway model, and to those people, we will look huge at any healthy weight. There are those who love "thick" women to whom we'll look downright skinny at our goal weights. There is no one accurate perspective; everyone's perception is distorted by their own body type, their personal sense of aesthetics, their history.

As we don't get a second chance to live our lives, we'd better enjoy the one we have as much as we can. Losing weight and getting healthier is a big part of that, but so is appreciating your hard work, being able to look in the mirror and like what you see. The world truly does not judge us nearly as harshly as we judge ourselves.

I went and looked up 300 pounds, 15 less than i weigh now, and I saw me with smaller upper body. I thought I'd be like... that girl can't be 300 pounds! I am so much bigger than her! But I was surprised that I didn't feel that way... Everyone's different and our minds are different. When you're at the weight you want to be your mind may still be stuck at 250 or something. Thanks for the link though! :D Got to see what a lady would look like at the weight i want to be...

i wish we had some kind of a self esteem or self confidence thread because that is what this boils down to i think...at least to me.. all my life i have been picked on, like there was a target on my back that said emotionally kick this fat person...and boy they sure did! and then my best friend weighed more than me (she was over 100 more than me at one time) she was taller, thick glasses....you know that awkward puberty stage in jr high....no one ever picked on her at our school.



so i think how you are treated especially at a young age plays so much on how you perceive your body, not anyone elses, but your own, you can look in the mirror and just be so disgusted and sad about how you look, and then see someone else that weighs x amount more, and think wow, she looks really nice...so i don't think paradise was saying that other people could be offensively fat to her at all.

i could be completely wrong about paradises view points...i am still half asleep and haven't read this whole thread word for word..but i know this is how i feel about it.
and its funny because this weekend made me realize how much i needed to work on my self esteem, i am not for sure how to go about doing that, and then this post for me went hand in hand.

I have the same problem! I have no clue how I look. The other day the bf and I were watching Made on MTV, and there was a girl there who I thought was around the same size as me. Mind you, I'm pretty short so I guessed she weighed maybe twenty pounds more. I told my bf this and he looked at me and told me I was crazy. When they showed the girl's weight on the show, she was around 260! I weigh 90 something pounds less than her, but honestly thought we were the same size.

Then again, when I was way bigger and I convinced myself I looked forty pounds lighter, for whatever reason. It's just the weirdest thing ever, I feel like maybe I'll never have an accurate view of myself.

I took pictures of myself the other day in a pink tank top and shorts.... I took one look at the pictures and said I am not posting them because I looked horrible. When I look at myself in the mirro when I am sitting down I don't feel as big as I do when I stand up. I know I will lose the weight I just think I am going to hold off taking anymore pictures till their a significant weight loss.

I totally hear what you are saying, Lynnie, but it is good that you took a "starting" photo. Everyone that i see on here who has lost a significant amount and didn't take a full set of pics at the beginning is sorry that they didn't have a true baseline for comparison - even if it may be very hard took at. I would recommend that you either pick a set time interval or pounds interval to keep taking pics. Being able to see the difference that you can't see day-to-day should be inspirational.

Worst case you can always delete them, but if you don't take them, you can't reproduce that, you know?