Just wanted to say thank you.
 

Hi, I'm a new poster here, but I can't say that I'm new, since I check these forums at least once a day. I joined up over the summer but instead of posting like I had intended, I've lurked. Please excuse the wall of text. I'd really share this with you all, since you've shared so much with this community. Let's just say this big post makes up for all the months without saying anything.

I started my weight loss journey about a year ago. It was late February but I'm not sure of the date so today will do. A few months into it I started feeling really down about how far I'd come, or rather how far I still had to go. When you're looking at having to lose 300+ lbs. it can be overwhelming. At the suggestion of my husband I sought a support group and found this site. It kept me going when I wanted to give up. It made me realize that yeah, 300 lbs is a lot to lose, but 10 isn't... and I can do that. It made me realize that if I refuse to give up, even after a setback, than I'm already on my way.

When I started to lose weight it wasn't because I wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be obese, I just didn't actively set out for weight loss. In Dec.09, I lost 2 family members 2 weeks apart, right around Christmas. I decided it would be wonderful to eat my feelings... but my body didn't agree. I have gallstones and I ended up having a 6 day gallstone attack. I couldn't even keep down water without violently being sick. After 6 days of no food, no water, constant excruciating pain, no sleep, getting sick no less than 9 times... well let's just say I was in rough shape. Without going all TMI, it was by far the most horrific week of my life. When things started to settle down and I got a few hours sleep I had some time to reflect on how my life took such a nasty turn. I didn't like what I found.

I have a very strained relationship with my mom and I haven't really spoken to her in 3 or 4 years. She's an addict and I suffered her abuse for 20 years, I'm kinda done with it. I really hated her growing up because I thought if she cared about me, she'd stop the drugs, stop hitting me, stop abandoning me. Now that I'm older I realize that isn't how it works, but it still hurts. The damage is still done, the hate simmers just under the surface. It hurts not to have my mom in my life, but she brings nothing but pain and chaos into my life. When I was a child, she'd bring home ice cream. If I didn't eat the whole half gallon before it went freezer burned, I'd get hit. If she went for that same ice cream and it wasn't there, I'd get hit. She took my sister to a nutritionist when I was young, and they told her "maybe having twinkies in the house isn't good for your children" to which my mother replied "why should the rest of us suffer because she can't put down the fork?". Basically, I have 20 years of various abuse to overcome in many facets of my life, not just food. I can't blame her, but my food issues are about as old as I am. I was a size 30/32 when I was a senior in high school. I didn't get that big by my mom putting balanced meals on the table, nor can a child really dictate what food their parents buy.

During my soul searching I realized that I was really no better than she is, because food was my drug in a way, and I was killing myself just as surely as she is with what she does. I tried to justify it, saying I was only hurting myself where as she hurt her children, but that just isn't true. See, my husband was the one holding my hair back while I got sick, he was the one seeing me crying in pain for a week. How could I put him through that? I hated seeing the way he looked at me, like he wished he could snap his fingers and make it all better. I can't stand seeing him have the sniffles, I would be heartbroken to see him as sick as I was. The worst part was knowing I had no one to blame but myself. It was my rock bottom. I have been overweight my whole life, been at others mercy when it comes to food, but I'm not anymore. I haven't been for some time. When I moved out of my moms house, I got a job, bought my own groceries, cooked my own, went out to eat, made bad choices. I did that, and it finally caught up with me. I'm 28, I have a bunch of medical issues, and I'm so tired of it holding me back. My weight has cost me so much. It continues to cost me, and I suspect that even upon hitting and maintaining my goal weight I will still feel the aftershocks of it.


It's not all bad though. I'm happy to say that one year later, I've lost 180 lbs. I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in my life I know, I mean I KNOW, that I will get there. It may take awhile, but I will get there. I still have tough days sometimes, but I cannot say that everyday is a struggle. If anything it has gotten easier to stay on plan. When I'm having a hard time I come on here and know that I'm not alone. It helps keep my goals in focus and kills my lame cravings for pizza. You guys rock, you really do.

I really don't see an overall difference in my appearance and I thought I would have by now, but what can you do. I see that the scale goes down, that my old clothes literally fall off of me, that my wedding ring doesn't fit, that my shoes of all things don't fit, but I really don't see a change. I think that is the hardest part, not having a visual payoff. Now I wish I didn't duck out of all those photos over the years because I don't really even have a before shot to compare myself to.

So to tie up this huge post let me just say your posts have given me insight and information to help make me healthier. At times you have made me laugh when I felt like crying, other times I just cried anyway. :D You have showed strength and compassion, two things that the world could use more of. You give hope to those who feel hopeless, courage to those who feel weak or defeated, and most of all, support. Support is so vital to success in anything one wants to achieve. You guys and gals are an inspiration and I don't think I could have come this far without you. On behalf of all the lurkers out there, thank you. Here's hoping for another successful year and I look forward to reading your posts. Maybe I'll even post a little if I can break out of this whole wallflower thing. I just really felt like I owed you guys a huge thank you. You helped me save my life, which is a pretty amazing thing. :hug:

Your post made me want to cry, hug you, and give you a standing ovation. That you've been able to lose so much while overcoming such difficulty is a remarkable achievement. You will get wherever you want to go. With your strength, it's a certainty.

You're the one whom other people will thank in the future. 3FC is a lifesaver, and I'd be willing to wager your post may save some others. I'd love to read more from you and hear more about your successes, if you're willing to de-lurk a bit. :)

I also love your avatar image. :D

I actually did cry toward the end of your post Cakegirl!! Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us - very inspiring and kudos to you for your success. L.

Wow 180 pounds! Way to go! 3FC is great support and here's proof of the good it does, how support through 3FC really helps. Keep at it! You can do it!

I loved reading your wall of text!! I'm so glad you decided to post.

You have come so far!! I know the feeling of not seeing the difference despite a tremendous loss.

One of the things people say is "you must feel so different!" Nope. I feel the same. I can, however, reach down and flick the fuel cap lever in my Rav4. I can do basic hygiene. Cutting my toenails is easier. Reaching stuff dropped on the floor is so much easier.

I recently lugged a 40 lb bag of kitty litter and a 28 lb bag of dog food to the house from the car. I kept saying "you had this poundage on your body less than a year ago". That was inspiring.

I also see how far I have to go. I try not to do that, but it's hard not to.

Hugs and welcome out of lurkdom! Come talk to us on the monthly/weekly/inspirational threads.

Hugs,
Ratkity

i am so glad you posted, it was a very emotional post, i am pretty new here myself, and this is the first place i go to everyday when i get up.

wow you are doing a wonderful job :) and i do hope that you post more as i related a lot to what you wrote

Oh, thank you for posting that!!! It's great to see you've experienced such success -- and that we've helped in a small way.

Do you know I never joined an participated in a website until I found 3fc? I was always a lurker! But here I felt I could gain a lot (haha) by participating!

So, thank you for your post just now -- it helped make my day...

I really hope we can see you around more -- you could help give to others, just as you have received.

Thanks again for sharing your story!

First things first - You are a terrific writer!

Your story is so powerful. I'm so glad that you decided to finally post! I was the same way. I think that I lurked for like 6 months before saying a word =)

The hurdles that you have overcome and your astounding weight loss is so inspiring! Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences.

I hope you post often!

~Bee

Nola - Thanks, I love yours too! I have a pretty decent d20 collection...dice are pretty. :D I never really identified as a geek until I met my husband... but I soooo am. :D

Newbie - Don't cry! It's turning out good in the end so that has to be worth some smiles. ;)

Misty - I have been keeping up with your story too while I lurked (which sounds so creepy... lurked... ugh) and congrats on your loss too. You're doing great. I related a lot to your first post and its great to see you doing well. Keep it up. :)

Ratkitten - Is that your kitty? SO cute. I have 2 of my own, my lil fur babies. I can look at the little things like you said, like I can take a bubble bath now without my hips creating some sort of wonky dam where the water gets stuck behind me. Lol. Now I could curl up into a ball in the tub if I wanted. I don't have to become a human pretzel to shave my legs and I don't always leave my sneakers tied and just slip them on because its easier to deal with. Its more the overall package that I don't see a change it. I'm still obese. I still have to shop for plus size clothes. I still hate my fat upper arms, which is just worse now because I definitely have some skin issues with the loss. I'm hoping it tightens up in time with weight training. I'm 28, it still has some elasticity in there. I hope... I have cat box duty and I can barely lift the bag/bucket/box of litter because its so heavy. Its odd to me to think of lugging that around because I never really felt as big as I was until I got sick. Big time wake up call. As odd as it is to think of carrying 180lbs of anything around, its even more odd to think that at my height, 180 lbs is still overweight. I lost a WHOLE ENTIRE overweight person. I've got another one in there somewhere that I'd like to ditch too! :D

reptogirl - It was emotional for me to post it. I don't like to talk about any of it but the more I bottle it up, the more it spews out like word vomit. I thought about writing a book of it, kind of purge it from my like poison so I will never bring it up again but I always end up in a dark depressed state for weeks every time I get back to it. There's just too much bad, and I really want to focus on the good, you know?

Heather - That is exactly why I wanted to post, to give back to guys. I've learned a lot and the best I can do to repay the awesomeness that you guys have done for me is to be more active. I also wanted the regulars like yourself to know that there are likely people who read these forum and are afraid to post, or just aren't ready to, and just by being a friendly voice out there you guys help them. I'd give you all a hug if I could, and I'm not a hugger so that's saying something. :hug: It takes a lot of courage to share such personal stuff, and this community is so open and refreshingly honest. It's hard to not want to be a part of it.

Pacifica - I hate when I write. I can't seem to edit myself down enough. In high school we'd get assigned a 5 page paper and I'd habitually turn in a 20 page paper. I have no filter between my brain and mouth, or in this case, hands. It comes in handy though as my husband is current in school and he makes me check his homework for him. ;)

Thanks for the kind responses. I sort of had remorse over posting, afraid I said to much perhaps. Word vomit, it gets the best of us. I do feel better having gotten it out though, so thanks for listening. I even posted to a few threads today. Progress. :carrot:

Cakegrrl,

My avatar and nick were my crazy psychotic kitteh. She hated everyone, but me. She just hated strangers and my family members. Even the golden retrievers gave her a wide berth. I would warm people not to pet her or she would draw blood. She's over the Rainbow Bridge now. Left at the ripe old age of 15. I used her name as my nick for so long for the net stuff, that it's permanent now! She used to be so bad and as a kitten climbed the curtains because she knew I hated it when she did that. When I'd yell "RAT!", she'd just stop and blink at me.. and, I swear.. laugh! And then continue on with whatever she was doing. Squirt bottles be damned. LOL. I loved her lots.

I now have Bosskitty. I adopted him last July. He's almost 4 yrs old and gray and white spotted. I call him my cow kitty. The dogs don't know what to do with him. He ambushes them and wants to play. They were tramatized by Ratkity. hehe.


Boss kitty being cute.

I love your posts!!

Hugs,
Ratkity

Oh he is too cute! I would love another kitten but the two I have are a handful. I got Emily shortly before I moved out of my mothers. She is the most loyal animal I have ever come across, and I have had a lot of pets in my life. If my husband and I bicker, she'll attack him and draw blood. She sleeps on top of me usually. She always gets in my face when I cry like shes trying to remind me that she's there so there's no reason to cry. I adore her.

When she was a kitten I would take her everywhere with me. She'd sleep on my chest if we went out in the car, she'd play in the bank vestibule if I went to the atm. She follows me to the bathroom so she can get drips out of the sink. She sits and waits for me to get out of the shower. When I was working, every morning she'd jump on my the second my alarm when off. She loved going outside with me. She's indoor so it was always an adventure for her. She doesn't like it so much anymore though. Snow freaks her out. Whenever we have big storms come in, she bounces off the walls for a good 2-3 days before. We always know when its going to be a bad one. She is more reliable than the weather channel.

I got Lola for my husband because prior to my moving in with Emily when we got engaged he had never had a pet. Shes a cute little muffin head. She's also kind of loyal but to my husband. When Emily goes at him, Lola takes one for the team and stops her. She is such a sweet little cat. Poor thing is also on a weight loss journey though. She doesn't even eat that much compared to Em, and Em is super petite. Lola looks at food and balloons up. Speaking of, both of them just jumped up to say hi. I better go give them some lovin' before they go postal.

Cakegirl -- I frequently think about lurkers when posting... if you think about it, there are probably more lurkers than active members at a given time!

I'm so glad we've pulled you out of lurkdom!!

Anybody else out there? :) It's lots of fun to join!!! :)

:hug: Absolutely inspiring. I got misty eyed too.

Thanks so much for posting. Your stories all keep us going. Thank you for sharing with us. I need thi support on this journey. I applaud your weight loss and self love. I need encouragment with exercise. I can make a million excuses...have a great day peeps