Gah! Why did I do it?!? (rant)
 

I made a big mistake tonight, and now my self-esteem is suffering for it. I decided to look at the very few pictures I have of myself. Noooo! Why?!? :nono: It was such a bonehead move. I am definitely not one of those people who are motivated by pictures of themselves. It just makes me sad. I went to get my hair cut and highlighted yesterday and spent the entire hour avoiding looking at myself in the mirror. Amazingly, I realized that I am very good at never looking at myself in a mirror. Quite the feat considering that I do my hair and make-up everyday. I just use a compact and look at little parts of me which I can handle or just look at my hair while avoiding the rest. I know that it's what is on the inside that counts, but looking at my picture tonight I honestly thought, "who is that girl?" I've been overweight my whole life, so I don't even know what my own face looks like underneath. Ugh, I don't want to be petty about it, and I don't want to let it get to me because I know how much better I feel is what's important. I know I'm in there somewhere, but how to do I make peace with myself in the meantime? :?:

Ummm, I hate to break this to you but you're beautiful right now!

Hang in there OH Love.

I think most of us have gotten pretty good at not "seeing" ourselves at one time or another.

Before I started to make changes, I think it was a defense mechanism and a perfect way of denying where I really was so I could keep up my behavior that I wasn't ready to or scared to change. Then once I got going on weight loss, it's SO frustrating to see that I've been doing this how many months now and still look SO fat! I think I have a body dysmorphic disorder like with anorexia, except it's the opposite. My mind plays tricks on me and I feel like a "normal" person sometimes, then I see a picture of myself and have to somehow come to grips with the idea that's me!

I don't know what a therapist would say, but I think it's not a bad thing to really SEE what our bodies look like. Coming face to face with what we are trying to change, no denial, "just the facts, ma'am". It's a slippery slope, because I do NOT believe in punishing myself for my weight, belittling myself, or in any way making myself feel bad. But if I can step back from myself, look at the pictures, and know that I am doing exactly what I need to do to slowly change the reflection, I think it can be helpful to see what it is exactly that we are doing all this work for! And once I get closer to goal, I have no intention of throwing away all the 'evidence' of what I used to look like. I don't want to forget!

OhLove, look at the progress you've made already. :) I feel the exact same way you do (and that Shannon does!), in that I hate to see pics of myself or see myself in a mirror. I hate looking fat. Inside my head, I've already made the healthy change--I feel fabulous, mentally thin, as it were, and the outside has just started to catch up.

But you're on the right path. You're doing great. Those of us in the 300+ club know that it's going to take a while to get to our destination, but no law says we can't enjoy the journey. It's work, but you're already doing it.

I totally get the pictures thing. We have some family pics up in here, only 1 small set, and my husband and I are both just huge in them. We hate them. We keep them up (in a fairly inconspicuous place) IN THE KITCHEN, of all places, not as a motivator, just as a reminder--to my mind, it's different. I remember being inside that woman--I remember how she felt and how she wished she wasn't doing all those things that made her so unhealthy. And that's kind of a good thing--I have to remember, because I'm not like that any more.

HUGS to you.... that person in the pics isn't you. It's who you were then, not who you are now, and not who you're going to be. :) Celebrate and look forward!!

I have those pics too..I laugh at them now cause that is just my past..not my future! Live in today..and smile about yesterday..and learn to be healthy for tomorrow :) HUGS!

Thank you all for the support. I'm just having troubles because 40 lbs seems like a huge difference, but I still can't see the difference and neither can my mom. I feel different which is important, but I want to *look* different too. I'm glad to say that even feeling disappointed I haven't felt an urge to eat bad things to cope and I won't be giving up any ground either. :halffull:

Question-are you taking measurements at all? I went through a phase a few weeks back where I felt the same way and taking measurements helped. Just a thought

I agree with everyone. Measurements are a great way to track progress. Maybe you have avoided looking at yourself for so long that you aren't familiar enough to recognize the changes? Maybe your mom too, because really how long can someone else really look at you before it gets uncomfortable. I bet if you really looked at a full body pic from then and one from now you'd see a difference somewhere. Fat pads around your eyes, in the chin, cheeks, arms, fingers, feet? It never comes off where we want it to.
I also am quite desensitized..in my mind and in the mirror I looked "acceptable", but the mirrors I owned always ended at waist level. When I saw myself in a full length mirror at a friends' house I could have just died. My belly (the one that hangs below my waist and covers a good portion of my upper thighs) is much bigger in reality than in my head. It was shocking. Now I own a full length mirror and look in it daily.
Whatever you do, don't give up. Take solace in the positives of feeling healthier, even if they are not the ones you want.

What I see in the mirror really isn't there. When I was wearing tight 26s, I still saw myself as I looked at 12/14. Pictures are an absolute wench though.