Wow, this is amazing! I never expected to get such a kind response from so many people! I’m really touched that so many people would take time out of their busy days to read my long post and respond with such positive encouragement! I have to admit some posts had me laughing and others had me shedding tears. I’ll try and respond to everyone (typing this in word) but it will take a while!!

Ohlove-I guess I wasn’t sure what I wanted either, I realized as I was posting that I didn’t actually ask any questions, more of a vent hoping to find someone else who has felt the say to tell me this isn’t the end of the road. I have a hard time believing that anyone else out there could feel the way I do, but I see that so many here have felt/thought the exact same things. I will check out the Depression and Faith Based areas of the forum, I normally lurk the 100, 300, and 20 somethings areas :* That is an interesting point you make, I AM alive, even if I don’t really feel like it. I’ve got to find some other excitement in life besides what I can eat next. Life IS out there somewhere.

Sweetcakes-Oh don’t worry, I’m reading each and every post and plan on copying them over so I can save them. I don’t think I’ve ever had so many people actually caring about ME before O_o I’ve read threads for other people needing help, but it’s a new concept to feel cared about. I’m sorry you got roped in by the drive-thru too, and felt as lousy and tired as I do now. I have been realizing lately that this is no way to live, I don’t even remember what it’s like to feel “normal” any more. I think my greatest desire is just to nap all day. Thank you for speaking so highly of the other ladies (and guys?) here. I think I want so much to be part of a group, but always went away when I failed because I don’t feel I belong. I can’t/won’t be less than honest here, and I was too ashamed to come every day and say how badly I’d done. If I can stay on track most of the time, it would be great to have that support when I mess up. It’s comforting to hear that you started out dying at ½ mile and have been able to work your way up and blow that out of the water! I guess since I’ve never lost, I’ve never felt better, so I don’t even accept that I CAN.

Learn-Yes! Here I am and I never forgot about you! Oh I’ve been to the pool!! Gosh it took some courage, I worked up the nerve Memorial Day weekend, got all dressed, lotioned, and got to the pool and it was closed! O-o I didn’t work up the nerve again for another month, but once I felt that cool water surrounding me, I swore I’d never let my weight stop me again! Was I the biggest person there? Yup. But that day and all the times since I’ve never once been made to feel like I didn’t belong. Maybe people are thinking it, but no one looks at me funny, or says anything. And gosh I’ve even smiled at a few people! First time in YEARS that I’ve had a sun tan! And thanks to your recommendation of the bathing suit, I feel 100% comfortable in mine. I don’t even think about mine being different from the norm. Oh does that water feel GREAT!! I realized that I can move my arms and legs for a full hour or more, and not feel tired! With the water taking the pressure off my poor feet and joints I feel so free! I was able to read your post before work (no time to respond) and I thought about it all day. All day I knew that I would be coming back here and that I’d have to face up to how the day had gone. All day was the constant battle in my head over how I could work it out so I could have FF again, but I just knew you guys were waiting. Today, I left work, and I drove straight home! A small victory yes, but I must admit that I’m not happy about it. I want something and there isn’t anything :( All I have to drink is water too, and it’s a far cry better for me than that 800 calories of soda I had yesterday, but I’m not happy :( I’m so touched that you have spent so much time on me already. I think one of my problems is that I don’t feel worthy of anyones time or attention, thank you once again :) I caught myself smiling a few times today thinking about maybe being able to make a new group of friends.

Heather-Thank you for the welcome! Oh boy! Those pics in your siggy must be you, but I’d never guess it was the same person! You must have some secret for losing 10 years as well as losing weight! ;) I think you have a good point, that even ONE commitment to some sort of positive change can make a difference.

Engrid-Thank you! Gosh I wonder if you’re right...I can’t go 5 minutes without thinking about my weight...could it really be that the people I am around most days don’t actually pay that much attention? I’m going to try very hard in my classes since I do take this very seriously, I’ve always had trouble relating to people my own age...but then again I have no idea who else might choose to take the class, I’m 27 myself. There will be just 11 other students, I will do my best!

Jasmine-Oh that’s great to hear you were able to make it through your clinicals!! I know I am quite a bit heavier than you are, but I am hopeful since it’s only been recently that I’ve been ‘feeling’ my weight. And my classes are just 6 hours, 2 days per week. I have tried to find a nice pair of sneakers, but my ankles just can’t do it. And you can bet I’m ashamed and have cried over this whole uniform process. The first watch I bought was too tight on my wrist. I was always able to at least buy shoes before, but it seems like my last 20lbs all collected there. It doesn’t help that I think of salt as it’s own food group... Yes, I am bored and depressed, but I think I’m bored BECAUSE I’m depressed. I have so many things I’d love to work on at home (I love art and painting) but I just have lost all desire for it. I have a list of 20 different art projects in intend to do, if I could just get that desire back. I find that I binge at night, and you can’t be doing artsy stuff with food around, and with the amount of food I get it might take me several hours to finish it all, by the time I’m done all I want to do is curl up cause I feel sick :( I’m in WI by the way :) )

Ablentlinger-Oh yes...you’re the type of person I was looking for...someone who has done the same shameful things I have, all in the name of getting more junk food. I’m no stranger to acting like I am buying for more than one, buying extra drinks, saying “WE need....”, etc. I hope no one takes it the wrong way, but I admit I do take a whole lot of comfort when I find someone as overweight as I am. I fully understand and feel for people who have less to lose, but to find someone whos in as bad a shape as I am makes me feel like less of a freak show. Lately I’ve been feeling so unbearably alone that I couldn’t stand it. And as sweet and wonderful as my dear online friend is, I just can’t tell her my weight and being a size medium, she wouldn’t be able to understand even if I tried. There isn’t anyone in RL I can talk to about it. All my facebook pictures are from when I was 6 years or younger, I refuse to put up anything more recent (not that they exist, as I refuse to have pics taken of myself). There I go getting off track-lol. But just look at you!! 15lbs down already, that’s the size of my boy cat! :D Thanks for your encouragement!

Tw326at41-Aren’t they amazing? I was floored when I got home from work, I saw a few comments this morning and didn’t really expect any more, but when I got home I had more positive thoughts than I knew what to do with! Hahaha!! That’s a great accomplishment to not have that underwear rolling! Haha, I can see where you probably wouldn’t want to go around bragging about that anywhere else, it’s amazing how we can say anything here and find someone who’s done/felt the same. And you’re seeing changes already? That’s wonderful!!

Sittingrumpy-I know you are 100% right. I feel my body begging me to stop. I understand the damage I am doing, and I know how to stop. Food just has this near unbreakable hold on me. It HAS been my everything. If I am not binging, I am thinking about it. If I deny myself, I feel deprived and angry. I totally believe that if I don’t do something NOW, I will be one of those poor bed bound people. I have that potential no question in my mind. I admit...sometimes I think about just blowing all of my savings eating everything I want and letting myself have a heart attack. Yes...I know how wrong that sounds...how sick...I feel like a drug addict. I’m at a weight now where I’ll either go one way or the other. Either towards disability, or reclaiming my life. I find it hard to think of one small change making any difference, but all you wonderful ladies can’t be wrong.

Bnorah-I admit I do feel a sense of relief finally admitting how bad off things had gotten for me. I KNOW sleeping till 1pm is wrong, and eating garbage all day is wrong...but it’s been my secret. Now I’ve had to tuck my tail and admit it to whoever chooses to read this forum...not cool. After only snail mail contact for the last 8 years, my mom and I have been talking on the phone a couple of times a month. It can be good, and it helps me feel closer to her, but I just couldn’t admit my size to her. The way she talks about her overweight co-worker ever being able to do his job, and her thinking she needs to lose 15lbs while she’s a size 4...I just can’t admit this to her. She’s been on a diet her whole life. She’d be ashamed of me. I don’t want her to know what a slob I am :(

Woodgal-Oh gosh, got me blushing over here. I couldn’t find half that many things good about myself if I had been trying :* I feel like a dork sitting here smiling and then tearing up over your post, I don’t know how you can see so many good things in me when I don’t think very much of myself at all. I’m so touched by what you wrote that I may even print that out and take a look at it now and again, maybe someday I will start to be able to see some of those qualities for myself, thank you :)

Kaplods-You are sure right about that. For the time being (until I can pass my class and get a second job) my budget will be minuscule. I guess being able to go out and spend $10 on junk food and enjoy it for hours has been a way of making myself feel better about my situation, but all it really does is make me feel worse cause I’m in pain and broke :( Thank you for your TOPS suggestion! I remember looking into that in the past and found two groups (or two weekly meetings) but both were scheduled for times I have to be at work. That would be a HUGE step for me, since I tend to avoid public situations like the plague. I will have to look into it again in the future. Right now I have about $50 a month after bills and that’s for groceries, toiletries, cat food, haircut, everything. (You can see how addicted to junk I am when I spend my last dollar on it) I know I need to make my world bigger, I’ve lived here 9 years and really only know my boss and his family. I struggle with feeling worthy enough to even BE out.

Belezura-You know, I love that idea, I actually love to read and scour the internet for all sorts of weight loss information, success stories, photos, etc. I am a huge lurker-lol That book you suggested sounds like a very inspirational story I’d enjoy reading. Good for you for reaching your goal! I know you are right that I need to come here every day wether I have been successful or not, that’s probably why I haven’t gotten anywhere, it’s very easy to be a mess when you aren’t accountable to anyone. I hope I can change that.

Shannonmb-ROFLMAO! Yup, that’s about what I was doing when I read your post! Woo-hoo for rock bottom!! Gosh for a second there, I thought I’d written another post in my sleep! That’s exactly how I feel!! I am fat and swollen and none of my clothes fit comfortably :( I see that cliff you mentioned, I’m either going to eat myself disabled or start backing by ample butt up. Gosh it’s great to hear that you feel a lot better after a 31lb loss, I want to get rid of my swelling too before I explode :K Oh I’m sure you’re eating a lot less sodium!! That will be very hard for me. I love salt on my salt. And boy do I FEEL it. It’s really great to hear how much better you feel as a person too with your weight loss, even if you have a ways to go yet. I know I need a plan, I do wish I had the funds to toss out everything I had here and start fresh with clean, fresh foods. Not sure if I’ll have money for new groceries in Sept or not, cats are due for their shots and that’s not cheap. :P I thought that I’d start trying to drink water(sometimes it’s 4pm before I remember to drink anything-and lately it’s been soda or iced mochas O-o) also, trying to get up a bit earlier and having a small breakfast. I think I will try two eggs for breakfast for the protein. I do NOT like to eat in the morning, truth be told, I’d rather be hungry all day and eat a ton at night (bad!) The last few months I’d been getting up as late as humanly possible and showing up at work 15 min late. (I work 35 hours a week but get paid for 26 so it’s not as if I am cheating anyone, my boss doesn’t care) But *I* care. I don’t like to have to rush and be late, but I just feel so tired I don’t want to get up. Lol-I will try and get excited, right now I’m too tired for excited. I think I would feel much better if I cleaned my apartment up and made a plan :)

Ok-wow, I’ve been typing forever! I admit that on a normal day I will NOT have the time to post so much, but I felt so touched by the welcome I couldn’t see just doing one general post to everyone who had taken so much time out of their day for me. Thank you ladies SO much, I’m feeling like I’ve been welcomed into a tightknit, supportive family who has turned to me with open arms no matter how awful I feel about myself. *hugs to you all*

I'm so glad you replied back--I was worried about you:) I hope you post often. I try to get rid of one bad habit at a time, like cutting out soda, drinking more water, reducing salt, etc. You can do this!

They have kind of said it all, but....

I just wanted to add that I can imagine how it is weighing on your mind worrying about clothes and shoes. It seems like such a small thing, but it can ruin your day if you just feel uncomfortable, so I understand.

Lots of RN friends have told me that Skechers Step Ups are very good for long shifts and walking all over for extended shifts. People of all weights seem to like them. Buy the scrubs that fit and you'll be happier. No one knows but you what size you are wearing. Then, as you lose weight, you'll feel them getting looser and feel even better every morning.

I would start walking for a few minutes every day. Maybe do one or two things a week. Maybe no fast food all week or no salt on your food. Maybe, for everything you eat, you will have a glass of water. That is all stuff that does not cost you money. Later on add in a salad every day with dinner...An i-pod so you can have music to walk to.....

I am so glad to see you back too. I'll keep this short as I was on my way to bed but had to stop in.

You really are NOT alone. Kaplods had some great stuff to say about TOPS and I know there are a few members on here that had over 200 pounds to lose that have or are attending meetings at a TOPS.

Also, some great steps have been suggested that really add up when done over and over.

One thing I do is imagine myself at the weight I want to be. Then when tempted I think and act like "she" would.
Would "she" drink a soda or have a glass of water with a slice of lemon in it with lunch?

Would "she" eat a big piece of cheesecake or just a sliver?

Would "she" go back for seconds or push her plate away and just have a cup of coffee after dinner?

Stuff like that.

I also have started to look at catalogs again, planning on what I would like to get after I lose a bit. I used to get depressed doing this, but now I know it will happen one day.
For now maybe all you can do is come here every day. Maybe you could like you said eat something in the morning. Try eating a little less the night before so you will be hungry in the morning. Eating in the morning gets your metabolism going.

Well I am off to get my beauty sleep.

Hang in there Kitsey, we are here, every step of the way.

And like your signature says "...Give it a try." whispered the heart.

XXOO

Hi Kitsey:

Everyone has done such a wonderful job of reaching out to you that I mostly want to add that I have felt just as you have felt - and I am sending you many big hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: Your post has really stayed with me so I hope you will post often to let us know how you are doing.

What I have tried to do is substitute something else that is comforting instead of food. I get on 3FCs and read/post instead of eating - or I spend more time with my cats that I adopted from a local shelter. Whatever you can do to nurture and comfort yourself with something other than food will help you through this process.

Most importantly - I also know that with your insight and wisdom, I'll bet you are a wonderful caretaker. Being good at what you do is a tremendous gift to give to others. Think of what you did for the couple that you have been caring for. That is very meaningful work. Let us know what we can do to support you in meeting your goals.

I will keep sending you many good wishes.

Sidrah-yeah, it's heartbreaking when something as simpel as being comfortable in clothes is out of reach. I've been 'freaking out' lately realizing that I'm in the LAST size available at Walmart-not a good feeling. I did manage to orger the one size larger scrubs, the ones I have now are *just* too small-if I could lose just a couple inches they would fit. I took a few pics of myself last night wearing them. hoping to compare when my class is finished (Nov 10th) Thank you for the recommendation of Sketchers Step Ups, I will keep them in mind for if/when my ankles start to cooperate. I am not exagurating when I say I can't get into sneakers :( Thanks for your suggestions :)

Woodgal-That's an interesting way to think of things...I wonder why I never considered that O-o It seems so simple. A 'normal' me would never go for fast food after eating a healthy dinner, or drink a 2 litre of soda...Gosh that's a neat way to think of things! Oh oh oh! I have TONS of stuff already to wear! lol That is one problem, I was in a cleaning mode last month and cleaned my closets, counting my clothes out of curiousity. For tops/bottoms/pjs I had 37 items that fit, and....279 that don't. O-o Yeah. I would say 80% of the non-fitting are brand new. Gifts from my mom and my two friends. (obviously I was less than truthful of my size... *shame*) and new clothes I bought because I was gonna get into them. :K I just could not make myself get up in time for breakfast today, but tomorrow I have off so I will start the morning with some eggs and a glass of water!

Doingmybest-Aww, look at all those hugs! :D Hehe, thanks! Oh you're a cat person, wonderful!! I have two myself, and two ferals, and the two that belong to my boss that are kinda 'willed' to me in case they ever need another home :* I do love my kitties! (And my betta ;)) I know they would always welcome more attention-lol Thanks for your kind words I have tried hard over the last 9 years, and seem to have become part of the family. I think that's why I kinda fell apart after the funeral in March :( I'm trying to come back though, thanks for your support!

Hope you had a good Sunday/day off. Thinking of you and can't wait to hear about what next good choice you make.
BTW, I love you quote!
"It's impossible." said pride.
"It's risky." said experience.
"It's pointless." said reason.
"Give it a try." whispered the heart.

I've been trying to listen to my heart lately. :-)

That is such a great idea! I've never thought of that, but I really like that. And since I've got an overactive imagination, I think it will be a good tool. I like it because as much as I am seeking the results, I am so much more interested in losing weight because I know that ultimately the process will change me, into a better, more in-control version of myself.

Kitsey, I really wish you the best of luck. I know exactly where you're coming from, I have been there in full force. I've been at that point where you just feel like the only thing you have is food, where you spend every evening stuffing your face while making a "food rule" list that you swear you're going to follow tomorrow. I've been there, that place where you pretty much end up disappointing yourself every day. And I honestly don't know why this last time has stuck, but I do know that I've decided. Decided very deep down in the core of my being, I have decided that I am not going to be that person anymore, and once you've got that fire burning inside you, you are on your way (though at times that fire will need stoking, and 3FC will absolutely help you with that!)
I guess I came to a point in my life where I knew that I had to make a decision. I was torn for a long time between accepting my body and life as they are, or actively doing the work to see the changes happen. And I ultimately decided that the life that I truly want for myself is worth working for. It is worth it, but I'd have to leave the old life behind and make a new beginning for myself if I really wanted to do it, and that can be very scary, especially if you've been this way for a while. But in order to do it, you have to turn a page in your life, start a new chapter. There is no other way.
"Evolve or perish," I say. And I chose to evolve. Actually, I kind of liken it to some kind of death (yeah, kind of morbid, but that's just me). My turning point came when I understood that the old habits have to die to make room for the newer, improved me. You cannot be both, and the process of getting healthy will always change you. Be ready for that change and embrace it! And as you move forward it's ok to gently look back and remember who you were, even to mourn the loss of her, but don't feel bad for her anymore.
Another thing that helped me tremendously, I moved into a house with some roommates and stopped living alone. I lived by myself for years because of a previous bad roommate experience, but I know now that I really do better as part of a group. I don't know if this is an option for you, but it may be something to consider. Finding nice roommates can be hard, but you'd end up saving money each month and it may help keep you from getting so bored that you overeat. Just a thought.
Anyway, that's my two cents, from my perspective. I look forward to seeing you on here, I cannot even begin to explain how great it has been to find this place. It has literally been a godsend for me. I know that at any given time no matter what I'm feeling I can hop on the boards and find someone who has been where I am, and still come out on top. And that is a very comforting notion!
And you know what? I'd really like to be your friend. :)

Hi, Kitsey!
I'm sorry you are feeling so much hopelessness right now. I know how it feels to have your life revolve around food. I spent 1 year where I hardly left the house except to go to the drive through and back. I was so depressed. Then one day I just couldnt take it anymore and I knew that my only options were to continue slowly killing myself or totally overhaul my life. I quit smoking, moved to a new city, started a new career, and am now finally tackling the final obstacle: food addiction! Now, I still dont have much of a life lol but I'm sooooo much happier. I have become one of those people that LOVES to exercise! It is my new drug. I would chose it over food ANY, well, MOST days lol. I'm still obese but I feel so much better than I ever thought was possible at 324 pounds. I hope and know that you will find the courage to change too.

I think, in the beginning, it started with me replacing my excitement/fantasies about what I would eat next with excitement/fantasies about what it would feel like to lose 20 pounds. 20 pounds seemed doable. My initial list included things such as, I will wake up less frequently feeling like I couldnt breathe, and I will be able to walk for longer periods without getting winded. Each time I lost 20 pounds, I updated my list of what I imagined would be better after 20 MORE pounds. You get the idea.

Oh and remember that a CNA classes are taught by nurses. And nurses are used to helping people of ALL sizes. I am a nurse so trust me on this! They will be more than willing to accomodate your seating needs. Don't worry about that. Just continue making those positive changes in your life and you'll be on your way!

Hi Kitsey - one other thing that I thought of . . .

I know that after the death of an important person in your life, it can be devastating and very hard to get back on your feet. Grief counseling can be really helpful.

What I experienced was that my brother died very suddenly from being obese and soon after that, both of my parents died. I was in such a deep, dark depression that I almost couldn't function at all. I got into grief counseling and, after some time, I was able to get back into work and start enjoying my life again. I still haven't beaten the weight problem, but because of the support I have received, I can now face it again.

Take each day at a time and be patient and kind to yourself.

We are all cheering you on - including my two kitty cats! :cheer:

Kitsey,

I read your thread and was holding my breath ,as I read it, because I could of written it myself. In the past week I spent $60 on large veggie pizzas and that's not all the fast food I've eaten this week. Your thread came along today when I said to myself I am "drawing a line in the sand" that although I know I will not be perfect I am going to take small steps and even bigger ones, when I get my courage up. I won't live my life this way any more! I just turned 49. I've been living this life a long, long time.

I know without a doubt you can do it. You helped me tremendously by writing your thread it definetly opened my eyes wider because you really touched my heart and alot of others we care about you and I know you can make a life that is worthwhile and enjoyable. It takes patience and an important thing to remember is to be kind to yourself.

Don't fret over the CNA classes get your outfits & shoes you feel
comfortable in and once you get to the class you'll feel alot better. I graduated from college and I was approx. 300lb and I was always fearful about the size of the desks but what I did I got there early and looked around for the more plus size friendly desks. I squeezed into them like a sausage but I didn't care because I was there to learn and other people didn't seem to mind because they were there to learn too.

I regards to a therapist or counselor I worked for a community mental health agency some years back and they charged on a sliding scale some clients paid nothing--something to think about maybe.

You go girl!!

Kitsey,

Bravo for writing what you did, it takes a lot of courage to come out with something so personal, but I can assure you that so many of us feel the same way. I hate when I get "into the zone"- it seems like I fixate on some item of food, and can't rest until I have it. I'll mindlessly chow down on enough fast food to make myself physically ill, and keep going. I hate it, but I am slowly getting past it. I find that it's very helpful to keep track of my achievements and hodl myself accountable. Pin up some paper on the fridge or a wall or somewhere that you can see it. Write down every single time you resist a temptation, or that you do somethign beneficial liek walk for ten minutes. Celebrate every. single. tiny. victory. Try setting just a few simple goals for yourself. Say, walking for 20 minutes, drinking enough water, avoiding fast food, and writing down everything you eat. Then, go to the store and get a pack of those star stickers they use in school- assign each goal a color and put them on the calendar each day you reach each goal. I find that seeing all the things I've achieved makes me feel stronger, more in control, and better able to make good decisions. I also fidn that writing everythign down holds me accountable, because I have to be honest about what I'm eating and how much. Good luck! And remember you've got a whole bunch of cheerleaders in your corner!

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! I don't want to say I know how you feel, but I can understand. I'm sorry your friendship ended (is it something that can be fixed?). I'm so afraid that when I graduate college and have to move away from my friends that I'll be in the same position you're dealing with. We have to just focus on the future and not worry about what's happening now. It's the only way anything will ever change.

Tw326at41-Thanks! I like the quote too, not sure where I found it. I do know in my heart I want to be thin and healthy, but I think that part of me has the smallest voice. I don’t know who I am listening to at the moment, seems like a second by second battle!

Swtbttrfly23-Isn’t that a neat way to think about things? I never would have come up with that on my own! I know the healthy ‘me’ would never go out and do the things I do, I think that is the problem, I really don’t want to give up the way I am, even though I know I have to. That is EXACTLY what I do!!! Plan out how good I am going to be *tomorrow* while I sit and stuff my face! O-o Then the next day I always mess it up, and say again, tomorrow! What a great strategy that was, I wanted to lose weight when I first moved into my apartment 9 years ago at probably about 210. :K I think your post is exactly right, I can’t have it both ways, I HAVE to move on to a new chapter, I just can’t seem to let go. I am right were you were, knowing it’s one way or the other. My body isn’t going to hold out much longer, if I keep gaining I’ll probably end up in a wheelchair. I know it doesn’t make sense, but the thought of not being able to binge anymore makes me so SAD. I don’t want to give it up, I want to stop wanting to do it, if that makes sense. Your room mate idea is a good one, I would never be able to eat as much as I like if other people were around, but I think I’d go insane. I’m the type that would be perfectly happy staying home 95% of the time and only talking to people over the internet. I’m pretty much an introvert. I really do think it’s a great idea for some people though!! Aww, and what I dork I am, I got a big cheesy grin, I’d like to be your friend too! :*

Katkitten-Wow! How brave of you to tackle all those changes! I am so sorry you went through that horrible year-I’ve only been doing the ‘drive-thru daily’ bit for a few months and I am losing my mind. I know my whole personality has changed, my temper is short, I whine and moan if I don’t get my ‘fix,’ I know I can’t keep this up. I don’t smoke, and I can’t move, but I am starting that CNA class in two weeks, so even as scared as I am of it, maybe it will be good for me. Haha, I as so glad you like exercise!! I will admit I can’t express how strongly I dislike it :K I do love to swim, but I can only get in an hour or two a week. There is a gym literally a 3 minute walk from my apartment, but again, can’t afford the $35 a month :K I know people need to make money, but I really wish it were free for the community, cause I would go! Huh, I never thought about the fact that the class will be taught by an RN, I’m sure she’s worked with people my size if not bigger! I just wish I could be sure ahead of time there will be a seat I can fit in. The class is being taught at the nursing home so I hope there are big tables and armless chairs-lol I keep envisioning the class being filled with 11-just out of highschool, trim, beautiful girls, and me-the lump. :(

Doingmybest-Yes, I know you are right. I’ve never been this bad, or gained this much in my life in this short of time. I was thrown for sure. Minding my own business one Sunday morning and I get the call that she’s passed away. Now, she had MS, Type 2 Diabetes, and Congestive Heart Failure with a pacemaker, but she was so healthy! She’d celebrated her 80th birthday a few months before and everyone remarked how good she looked, how she looked so much better than at 70! Anyway, it was quite a shock and SO hard to be sitting there, trying to process the loss, but also having to realize that I’d just lost my job, had no car, and only enough savings to last a month. My boss has kept me on just enough hours to pay the bills (cause of the cut in income) and I’m thankful for that, but that means I HAVE to pass my class, AND get hired as a CNA. Anyway, my mom helped me out so I could get a little used car, and that’s when things fell apart. All the fast food I could never get to before was at my fingertips (and thighs apparently!) This was back in April when I got the car, and I signed up for the class and felt good about it so all was ok! Class was months away, I could eat my goodies for a while and then I’d stop and lose 50lbs and be ready for the class. Well...you can see how that went...class is 14 days away and I am UP 20lbs. I took my “I’m sad and deserve this” WAY too far. I am so, so sorry to hear about your brother and both of your parents, I can’t imagine having to deal with that level of grief 3 times. I can see why you would have been depressed too, and I know how debilitating it is. I do think some counseling would be good for me, I will have to try very hard to pass my class and get hired and hopefully get some insurance so those things are available to me! I do believe already that just being here at 3fc is helpful, simply because I feel for once I belong :)

Bonnie-Oh you poor thing :( All those veggie pizzas. I can’t imagine how much better my life would be right now if I had SAVED all the money I wasted on junk food. O-o Sure wouldn’t be in debt that’s for sure. I’m really glad that my thread was meaningful to you, I have been feeling a bit down the last few days reading others threads but not being able to offer any help, because I am the one needing all the help right now. Hehe! I plan on showing up to my class early and squeezing as much as I can if I have too! My class is only 12 people so I am worried I can’t just disappear :( Each day that gets closer I get more and more freaked out about it!

Southlake-I do just that, fixate on something until I get it. And seeing a commercial or even a picture is all it takes to put the idea in my head. Like on my FB page, there is an add for ice cream on the side and I saw it to day and all I want to do it go and get some. I have been thinking about it ever since, even after having some yogurt. *sigh* Haha! I love your little stars idea! That is totally something I would do because I love charts, love to make lists, etc. I think one of my problems is that I feel I have to do EVERYTHING right all day long or it doesn’t matter. Like, if I do my 100+oz of water and go swimming, I still fail if I eat too much. Maybe I do need to break things up and realize that even one good thing is better than none at all :)

ParadiseFalls-Thanks :) I am not sure if the friendship can be saved. I tried to save it for over a year and just recently gave up. I would gladly forgive them if asked, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. :( I don’t think you should worry about losing your friends if you’re moving, they will still be your friends even if you aren’t around them! Gosh, my closest friend lives in CA and I’m in WI! :D I really don’t think distance should have any impact on a friendship as long as both of you are willing to make an effort :)

So how is the battle with the drive thrus going?
Been thinking about you!!

All my best,
Faith