Sinking...
 

Sorry in advance for this...
I started out the year wanting to change my life and I was doing it. It was tough as we all know, but I wanted it and worked hard and lost some weight. I don't know what happened, but something changed and I fell apart and the weight came back. I strongly feel that I am on my way to a major breakdown and I don't know what to do about it. I am feeling that I have let my life dictate who I am and I have not created a life for myself. I am my own worst enemy and food is my only friend; I just can't let it go. I am unhappy, sad, miserable and mean. I am ruining or have ruined all the relationships in my life and I don't like to be around people. All I do is eat, sleep and got to work where I have alienated myself from all of my co-workers. I don't like to hear about the good things in their lives because it makes angry, jealous and bitter. I don't go anywhere because I am embarrassed of my size and I stay home so I won't embarrass my family. Other than eating I like to shop and I shop until all of the money is gone. I don't care if the bills paid late or paid at all and my finances have fallen apart. I won't got to the doctor or the dentist, even though I have insurance, because I am ashamed. I stopped taking care of my physical appearance (hair, make-up etc.), I basically only shower and pull my hair back into a ponytail everyday. I have an overwhelming sense of doom and each morning I am amazed that I wake up and honestly there are many days that I wish I wouldn't have.

I am sorry that this is such a downer and I am not looking for pity. I think that I needed to put this somewhere so I could see a snapshot of what has become of me. I apologize for involving all of you in my problems, but I needed a place to voice it; I have lost myself.

You know, at times in my life I have benefited from professional counseling.
It is so great to have someone who can lead you back on path when you veer off and can't get back. It sounds like that you may be very depressed as well.
If your insurance will cover it, don't be too pround to seek help. You deserve it!
P.S. If you decide to do this, look for someone who has experience with weight counseling.

I'm always a little hesitant to suggest this because I don't know anyone's beliefs so please don't be offended, but do you belong to a church or have a faith you can turn to? I just know that I had been struggling (I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure when I was 24) and had given up hope/retreated into myself, and turning to faith really helped me. I know it's not for everyone, and I agree with Cglasscock1 that a counselor could be another beneficial option. It sounds like you're really hurting, so I truly hope you find what you need. :hug:

We have all been at a low point in our lives. I mean there is a reason why we got the way we did. Life is full of pain and difficult times no matter what your size but you need to look deeply into yourself as you work to heal and you really have taken the first step and looked at your situation as it is. You have many options on your road to recovery open to you whether you go to therapy, go to a support group, bring your friends together, signing up for a group like overeaters anonymous -- the most important thing I think you need to do is stop holding all the pain in and learn the root of your pain and learn how to cope and express yourself. You need to recognize that what you are fighting with is not just about eating less and exercising more --- it's about healing yourself in and out, emotionally and psychologically.

When I was at my lowest point I joined a weight loss bootcamp class where everyone had at one point been 200+ or 300+ and all of them had lost a lot of weight (50 to 100lbs or more lost) --being in that environment helped me the most because I was around people who were just like me, people who had overcome and made it through difficult times --- I think thats what you need most of all. You need to find people who you can share your struggles, joys and triumphs with and who know whats its like to have hit rock bottom. I just wanted to tell you something -- You may think you are not important but to somebody you are the world and I'm sure to your family and friends you mean so much-- please don't be so hard on yourself and recognize how unique, beautiful and special you are. And remember that we are all here for you! HUGS and feel free to message me anytime too

:hug:

I know I had to hit rock bottom before I could find myself. I finally realized that I am good enough and that I deserve to feel good about myself.

Just know that you are not alone. *Never give up and never stop believing*

:hug: I hope you find a way through your pain. Hopefully this forum will help by showing you that you are not the "only one" that has a weight problem. We are here to support you with kind words, humor, and advise. :hug:

I know how you feel. I feel like that a lot. I have also been avoiding the doctor for about 2 years. I've just now started wearing make-up again and nicer clothes than just jeans and T-shirts.

Don't get too down on yourself—you'll start to feel better as you kick your diet in gear. We're all here for you!

KTFaith- I Do know how you feel. At 500 pounds I have become bed bound and did not leave the house except by ambulance for months on end. You have some sound advice here:
....Seek professional help from a weight wise counselor
....Consider spiritual health
....Realize - as I had to - that we cannot change the past and we cannot change where we have been or come from, but WE CAN change where we are going and where we end up. I also had to accept that I and I alone was responsible for my condition. Though I have not been in a store for 2 1/2 years and every mouthful of food I've eaten someone bought and brought to me, I was the one who made the decision to get in this condition. The lupus didn't help, the steroids I was on, the family history of abuse and obesity in the genes - I a powerless over that ---- but I am not powerless over what i do next. Make a list of all the good things about yourself and your life.
Oh my, I am afraid I've rambled on and on... sorry. I just know how it feels to believe I am not worth taking up space on this earth. I have an 18 year old son that I try to not bring shame on so I stay inside and have him close my door when his friends come over. I am circus lady fat. But I have learned that I am still a person worth living and I have things to contribute to this world and i know you do too!
Email if you want: [email protected]
Blessings, Lindy