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Cuter w Curves 03-04-2010 03:02 AM

Lets try this again... One more time... (kind of personal and detailed - just an fyi)
So some might recognize me, and more likely most won't. Most whom I remember have moved on to better places in their goals and I am so darn happy for them... But I am in this section because it is again where I should be.

A bit of back history for those who I've not met in the past:

I worked my arse off. Literally. I lost 55 lbs... Then got extremely sick. Like looking at palliative care sick.

I slowly but surely gained it all back + 14lbs... Ok. Let me be 100% truthful... I had another 30 on top of that too... But I took 20 of that 30 off in Nov/Dec. I took the last 14 off in the last 3 weeks... And now I am back to 319.6 as a starting point. Not bad in the grand scheme of things I suppose... Could have been worse.

I am not going to put all the blame on my health issues. Some yes but other blame goes to my love of things that don't taste like arse incarnate, and that is the honest reality I live with.

I can own my failure. I can even embrace it... In a year and a half I went from barely able to stand/walk/talk to being fairly quick moving comparatively and functional (most days but who's really functional all the time?!).

I am torn between self blame, frustration and the self realization that I don't mind being the size I am 90% of the time. The other 10% kills me a little inside but I think that 90% that loves me the way I am was a big part of my problem. I was just happy to be alive so I got sucked into acceptance.

Health issues include:

Sero-positive for Lyme - 3rd stage neurological at that... What a kick in the pants. At least it wasn't the MS/Parkinson/FM/CFS/Etc. etc. combo they swore it must be, and I found that one doctor who would at least try to stop the progress and try to treat it.

Girly bit drama (sorry guys this may be tmi)... 35 days on... 9-15 days off... 35 days on... with bl of 27-32 oz. Even when they pulled it in with provera to 12 days it was that much.

Combine the two and it is a pretty dangerous combo for anyone who inadvertently might come into contact with me on a bad day... Bad enough with that much bl but knowing in the back of my brain that it was potentially highly infectious too... Arg. Sort of sent me into a tail spin. I'd think about it, and withdraw.

So I went through a surgery to scope and check to make sure no cancer cells. Came up clear. Went through another surgery to try to cut back on bl... it failed to do enough and caused more complications so... 3 weeks ago I get the:

"Lose 50 lbs and I will do the hysterectomy"

My response is... "Ok... I can do that."

Dr's response is "If you can do it in 2 months I will book it in"


So I go back to something I know works for me... Was/Am doing well too... I know I lost 14.4 lbs give or take a couple points... in 3 weeks. I've worked damn hard and it is paying off but not fast enough for what I need. I have 6 weeks left to do 35.6 lbs... (i know said Dr would prefer if I was at the 250 mark but I think I can push for it at 280ish because of my build + height)...

Today I had a consult about Optifast. I am not game for the surgery. Nothing against it just not right for me personally. If I carried my weight differently maybe but I am hourglass shaped and heavy in the thighs, bum, and chest. That said I talked to a friend who HAD gone that route and they had put her on Optifast prior. So... though I realize it is certainly not a long term solution maybe it can give me the boost I need to push through these next 6 weeks.

I just figure it sure as heck can't hurt any more to try this then it does to do what I do for my Lyme - IV antibiotics + oral antibiotics, etc. every day.

That said I am back... Mainly looking for inspiration but admittedly reading most threads only put it in perspective how much time I lost when it comes to my original goals.

Short term goal: 50 lbs.
Long term goal: 120 lbs.

I know I am an odd one out to want to top off at about 200 but truly I would be more than happy there... 190 would be my bottom end as anything below that is not in my own comfort zone.


dgramie 03-04-2010 08:20 AM

HI and welcome back. I hate to hear you have had so many health issues. We are here for you!

Ratkitten 03-04-2010 08:32 AM

Wow Shelley,

You've been thru the ringer. One of my co-workers died of lyme disease complications. You sound like a strong woman and sounds like you are your own advocate.

I wish you the best in your next 6 wk endeavor. I think it's a tad unrealistic. To be honest, I'd go to another surgeon for another opinion. Many people go under the knife at your size with no complications.

Hugs to you. I hope to get to know you better! Come join us on the weekly thread.


dogpal 03-04-2010 11:53 AM

Hi Shelly,

Wecome back. I sure hope that you get to feeling better very soon. Hugs and hang in there.

Cuter w Curves 03-04-2010 12:10 PM

Hi dgramie. Thank you for the welcome back.

Hi Ratkitten... So sorry to hear about your co-worker. I've lost a few people to it since starting treatment. Lyme is a nasty thing. I tended to scare the ones who didn't get it as severe, caught it early on, etc. at one point. Now I am the one others go... "SEE! LOOK HOW FAR SHE'S COME!"

Being your own advocate is key. Goodness knows my GP bailed on me in more ways than one. I actually have a great medical team in general (outside of my GP who is all full of fail sauce)...

My PCP is my Infectious Diseases/Internal Medicine Dr now really. I go to that Dr to talk things out. He has the knowledge of House with the personality of a saint. The man saved my life... What he gave me as a way to do it took it off slow and steady. If I wanted to he would refer me to a place OHIP covers which would take the 120 ish I want off in about 12-18 months and honestly at some point I may well go that route if I need. I keep my options open.

He and I discussed end goal. I told him I was not ok with the 135-155 ish that most Dr's push at me. He pulled out his info and said no... take the larger frame info so 170 is ideal but he flat told me that 190 would be great and just shook his head and said as I wish when I said I was happier at 200.

As for the GYN:

Truth be told if I go back in 6 weeks with a total loss of 30 lbs even he'll do it. He comes off sounding like an *** but think of it more like the tough love of a parent.

This is my gyn of over 10 years... Who battled cervical cancer (the non-hpv kind and yes it exists) twice with me - I got my first bad test result at 15 because of irregular bl, etc... He's done over 6 surgeries on me as well as routine biopsies and has a vested interest. It is he who cares enough to not molly coddle me.

Is he mean as a viper when he wants to make a point? **** yes... Some days he can be. Is he blunt and shoots straight from the hip? Absolutely.

When he looked at me 9 months ago and told me to lose 125... I got pissy and cried. When I went back two months later after having done what he asked me to as step one in dealing with it and I told him how much I was losing daily by reading off the day to day info he went white as sheet. I should add that he is Asian so that is a bit impressive.

I had the hysteroscopy, all went well. He was amazed to find no cancer cells and we celebrated together. The hospital failed to provide proper staff on the next day surgery I had... I was already at the hospital when I found out, and he stood there and screamed at the people who'd messed it up pointing out it was his scheduled time, and people like me had driven an hour + to get this done. Amazingly the staff happened to become available, and it was done. Got to love a man with the power to pull that off.

He's the best of the best. You don't trade in the best you can get within a very long drive who will laugh with you... cry with you and truly gives a crap even if they are so busy at times they are abrupt or curt even if you know they are the best.

Yes... I can get another Doctor who might do the surgery the traditional way with an Abdominal Hysterectomy (I am not tummy heavy) and do it at the size I am. No problem. Only my age causes the problem there - I turn 30 in May.

I cannot get one who will do the Laparoscopic Assisted Hysterectomy at my size and truly only a handful of Dr's do them. You have mad skills to do them apparently, and I go under longer for that then the others but recovery is substantially shorter.

If it was the "lose weight because you are too fat for me to bother with" I'd be pissed. It isn't. It is the "I need you to lose this weight because you are going under deep aesthetic for 2 hours with paralysis. Your body will be at this angle and you will have a tube in you for breathing purposes. The weight you are now will put too much strain on your breathing and I don't want to lose you on the table." His words.

Is it harsh? Yes. Is it a real risk? Yes.

So... I'm on it. With advice from my PCP to not let the other Dr push me around and do it on my time as long as my time isn't a 10 year span, and with the caution from the Dr who deals with the Optifast that I might not pull it off in 6 weeks, but we can see what we can do.

One way or another in 6 weeks I want to walk back into his office and say "I've done this much on my own. I am doing this... Book the darn surgery, or book me back in 4 weeks from now to book it then."

Incase you can't tell I thought long and hard about the alternate Dr/surgery type. I just prefer trusting my girly bits and life to someone who cares if I am there to see my 6 year old the next day instead of a stranger who's known me 5 minutes really.


Passionista 03-04-2010 12:17 PM

Wow, we have a lot in common; non-HPV cervical cancer and Lyme disease for starters and we are about the same weight and height too!

Please let me know if you ever wanna chat with someone who understands.

Blessings to you! :hug:

Cuter w Curves 03-04-2010 12:18 PM

Hi Annie thank you. I'll gladly accept those blessings!

P.S. Before I forget to add it - Not sure if the formulation in the US is the same (doubt it because in Canada it is Optifast 900 vs Optifast 800 or 70) but the Chocolate is pretty darn good. I can see how it would taste bad though if one didn't use ultra cold water, or if there were still clumps but it tastes like a breakfast shake. I had fun with it too... Did it in a martini shaker with a couple ice cubes then strained those out on the pour into a glass. We don't have the bars, or the soups available up here (might have to make a trip south just to mix it up a bit) but the chocolate is not bad at all. Kind of tasted like when you lick the spoon if you are making a cake (the egg free kind of course).

Cuter w Curves 03-04-2010 12:19 PM


Originally Posted by Passionista (Post 3184221)
Wow, we have a lot in common; non-HPV cervical cancer and Lyme disease for starters and we are about the same weight and height too!

Please let me know if you ever wanna chat with someone who understands.

Blessings to you! :hug:

That is oddly freaky and cool all in one! I'd love to chat. Anytime!

Ratkitten 03-04-2010 08:32 PM

Like I said before, you seemed like you were a strong advocate for yourself and your follow-up post proved it! I'm glad you are taking control as much as you can to get this female thing cleared up. I hope you continue to post often on your progress.

My TOM has postponed himself, dang thing. I know it was the stress of surgery on Feb 2nd, but I'm PMSing to beat the band. Just hurry up and get it over with! bleh.


Cuter w Curves 03-04-2010 10:12 PM

Hi Ratkitty... I wouldn't mind if TOM went on a vaca... but that is just because mine took up permanent residency. :dizzy:

It will be the posting that gets me through... Some posts may be nicer than others...

I need to openly and honestly admit:

Right now I want to ram a fork up someones nose for making toast... Goodness I want that toast... ok... maybe I am too harsh about the fork but could he be making himself anything that would smell better than toast to someone who's only had liquid chocolate shakes today? I seriously need to find a way to get some of the soup or bars the US has...

I think the pieces are toasted finally.

I just keep telling myself I can do this.

Cuter w Curves 03-05-2010 11:06 PM

Day 2 almost done... Not half bad actually. I didn't even visualize doing mean things to anyone over toast either.


I did however walk up stairs... Into the kitchen... Open the fridge... Pull out the cheese drawer... And then clued in as to what I was doing.

All I had thought was "Mmm... Cheese would be good. I'll grab a cheese string."

Thankfully I stopped and while I am not going to say I would have considered more than one. Even one is a fail on this. I am glad I caught myself.

So strange to realize it was nothing more than a cheese string and I was not even taking the time to weigh in if it was needed. I just wanted that taste.

In the end I took my tea out, sat down with the laptop and pulled up the site to read a bit. It got me through more than the last hour to go before shake 4 and now I am actually 20 minutes late for it and trying to convince myself I am hungry so it isn't a chore.

basketcase 03-06-2010 09:45 PM

One thing that can help with the redundancy of the shakes is DaVinci Gourmet Sugar Free Flavored Syrups. They are often used for coffees. Locally, they are carried in our grocery store. They are also available online.

I tried Optifast for a while. I was not committed enough to stick with it.

Good luck on your journey!! You've been through a lot.

Cuter w Curves 03-07-2010 12:17 AM

I am so going to try that! Thank you!

I am committed enough that I made it through day 3 and am twisted enough that I had energy and went for a walk.

I also got it in my bright head that if I can drink tea I can make something similar but different so there I went throwing 2 sun dried tomatoes, some dehydrated mushrooms, some basil, parsley, chives, black pepper, garlic, rosemary and the tiniest pinch of salt in with some water and boiled it to **** and back. not bad really and a break from tea, water and shakes. No way the 20 oz I made and strained had any more than 50 cal all together. WOOT!

Day 3 down... however many more to go.

Cuter w Curves 03-09-2010 01:10 AM

Day 4 warranted a crying jag. It was one of those... Oh crap this is hard moments. Pretty rough though energy wise I was good to go. I was just glad to make it through the day...

Day 5 I had my first real slip-up. I will freely admit I cheated. A small one but a cheat. A total of 3 pieces of pasta and 2 mushroom chunks in a bit of my fave - pasta with a mushroom cream sauce. Did I feel guilty? A bit... But in truth I thought... If what I am doing can't adjust by the whopping 25-50 Cal I probably just blew it by then I have some serious issues here.

Will I be making that again any time soon? HECK NO. Apparently it is a dangerous one for me to cook for the little one.

Truly it was more the want of something to chew and the taste change than anything else.

Wendy J 03-09-2010 12:09 PM

Hi Shelley!

It's nice to meet you!

This might seem completely crazy, but I have to say, I really admire that you took care of yourself by going to the doctor. Personally, I am so afraid of being judged, that I have rarely gone to one. The fact that you care enough about yourself to find out what's going on and then choose to do something about it transcends any past weight gain. You are amazing.

Have you looked at trying to eat high raw? It might be something to consider for the next 4-6 weeks. You could juice and do green smoothies and eat fruits and veggies. Not only would it help with weight loss, it would help heal your body.

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