Back after a lengthy leave
 

My name is Karen. I'm originally from IL/WI and am turning 34 this month. Some of you might remember me back from '05 or so when I started this very long journey at 360 pounds (I was 350 when I first weighed in and estimated I'd already lost about 10 pounds at that point). Or you may remember my weak, futile attempt to return, which was probably about 2 years ago now.

Honestly, I don't remember what other handle(s) I used for sure; I imagine I could go look but the very thought of it makes me want to run and hide again. I'm aware that starting new accounts is kinda frowned upon here, but I really didn't know what to do other than start over with a clean slate when I revisited the site in August. I'm not sure if I'd have been able to handle any questions or even any welcome backs at the time had I not started over, but maybe I'm ready now.

Somewhere in the midst of fighting depression, nearly becoming homeless, moving across the country to start over, and the newly-discovered agoraphobia I've had for most of my life in varying degrees, I've managed to lose over 100 pounds since 2005. Rather slow, but not bad says I. ;) Much of that time has been spent staying at the same weight rather than losing (I stayed at 285 for the longest time), but at least I never gained back anything more than maybe 5-10 pounds at once.

I think it might have been the self-consciousness of the agoraphobia that prevented me from staying here like I wanted to. I know, it sounds like a lousy excuse, but now that I can label what's been wrong with me (instead of just pondering the seemingly random symptoms I was forced to deal with) I'm beginning to see patterns all over every little aspect of my life that have affected me in a negative way because of the disease.

At my worst point I was trapped in my own house, unable to understand why I wasn't able to even step outside on my own (oddly enough, I had a similar experience with several sites I used to visit, suddenly I couldn't make myself visit them anymore). I had to learn to drive all over again, was unable to answer the door or even talk on the phone. It wasn't always that bad, and has since gotten much better. I still have good days and bad though.

I was hoping that returning to 3FC and concentrating on my physical health this past summer would help heal me emotionally, but for whatever reason I wasn't ready to return to this section. Even now I'm feeling a glaring guilt for having left and lost touch, but perhaps this is the best time for me to return? All I know is that I don't ever want to leave again, and I don't want to cave into hopeless, scared persona I've been fighting within.

I know, I know . . . I must sound a little crazy. Or a lot. But bear with me. ;) I hope I can offer something to the community once again, even if it's little more than a listening ear. My weight loss has stalled in the past few months, and I'm struggling for answers to why it's gotten so hard again.

Anyway, I apologize for the drama-fest. I see a lot of new faces as well as many familiar ones . . . and hope you can accept me back, flaws and all. :hug:

Sirenity,
It doesn't matter how long you've been gone, you can always come home.
I'm so glad to see you here and look forward to a great year.
Sweetcakes