Well, I had a setback this weekend. I went to an event with a lot of old friends and people I knew from many years ago. I felt so sad and uncomfortable because I just felt big as a house. I ended up leaving pretty early in the afternoon---it was too hard to hear everyone talk about how happy they are and that this person got married, that person is having a baby, etc.

I also had an argument with my bf recently, and it came down to my feeling like he wasn't listening to me when I needed someone to talk to, and also, that when I have advice, he acts like he doesn't think it is good. He is dealing with some difficult stuff right now, so, after tears (mine), and apologies (mine), it still ended up that he decided to not see me this weekend. He said he wants time for himself and to think about things. I got so sad because I feel like I am not sure if anyone is going to want me with all of the issues I have, and at the weight I am. Heck, it was hard dating 50lbs ago, I am fearful of trying to date at this weight. My bf is a good man, I just feel like I don't inspire him to be the best he can be, even though he does inspire me to be the best I can be.

I am also wondering if I should contact an ex. Turns out they are now friends of a friend of a friend online. I am contemplating it, but the last time I sent an email, he never responded to me. He was also the one to end it (never gave me a reason why, just that he suddenly became busy. I think it was due to my weight---after the first few months, he lost interest in romance, though not in spending time together) and I feel like if I did try to send an email, it may make me come across as pathetic.

Very sad this weekend. I had some really sad thoughts, but I realize that things can always get better, and that I have a lot of people who care about me. I just worry about dying alone and not having the life I want.

Million,
Baby you need to stop, I love you, but you do. First of all, no one is ever going to give you value, not a boyfriend, not a husband. You have to give yourself value. I guess what really concerns me is that you equate your ability to be loved with your size. I'm 5/2 and have weighed as much as 340 and my husband of almost 20 years loves me, period and guess what, I was no slim jim when I met him. But I've always known, though I might not be perfect, I'm beautiful and amazing and deep.
You want to reach out to an ex, why? Why go back? What's done is done, let it go. You're trying to find answers in the wrong places. What can your ex do for you? What do you think he can do for you? What's broken in your life, only you can fix. You talk about dark issues you have in your life, like somehow that prevents you from having happiness. Maybe it does, because you're still carrying them like a 1000 pound weight on your back, maybe you need to reach out to someone professional, and yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. I speak from experience.
You don't have the life you want, I hear that, I really do but do you think it's just going to show up one day on your doorstep and be like, "Here I am". Your life is what you make of it. Your bf needs some time, maybe you need to use this as an opportunity to figure somethings out for yourself. The fact you are thinking about contacting an ex is very telling.
You're heading down a slippery slope sweetheart which from the outside looking in, is only going to cause you more heartache and grief. You need to start to be honest with yourself about everything, about all of it.
I'm here if you need me.
sweetcakes736
faith

I can't tell you what to do, and I can't take away your pain. But I can tell you where I've been and what I did about it.

I've had times like what you described...too many, wistfully wondering about what could have been, wishing things were better for me, being far more critical of myself and my circumstance than I needed to be. Being lonely does strange things to us humans. We are social creatures.

Being lonely is an uncomfotable feeling. But being alone is a social state, and it's not really a bad thing. I look at it as an opportunity to take time to care for myself, do some thinking, make some personal decisions. The difference between loneliness and being alone is perspective.

Loneliness can drive us to find a solution. We can seek out new friends, reconnect with old ones, reach out to family. We can try to stuff the feeling, through food, or other indulgences, in order to manage the discomfort. And all those choices can be good or bad decisions.

Staying with the loneliness can be hard, but it might give you some insight to finding a healthy solution to your feelings. For me, when I'm feeling lonely, I usually feel very sorry for myself, my state of being. I am very sad. Avoiding the loneliness leads me to food. Occasionally I wanted to drink. I watched an awful lot of bad TV. But I learned to just sit with the feeling, and to go ahead and cry it out. And then I journaled how I felt. I wrote out all my sadness, and fears, of being alone forever. Of never having the life I wanted. I got it all out. And I did this a lot. Eventually I started to write what I really wanted out of life, what I wanted my life to look like. And then, I started making plans for getting what I wanted. And then, I started making it happen for myself.

I haven't reached the ultimate destination, but I believe in myself, and I know I'll get there. I am free of relationships that hurt me. If that means I have to live alone, then being alone is a great thing. I'm not free from sadness or fear, but those are only emotions that evaluate a state I'm in at the moment. I experience them, I look at my expectations and evaluate if they are healthy expectations or wild wishes, and then I decide if there's something I can do for myself, something that's a wise choice to make to solve the situation.

Sometimes those strong emotions are appropriate, like when we suffer loss or are in truely dangerous situations. It's okay to feel those feelings. But I've found that rolling around in my sadness or fear about my future only enslaves me to the emotions, and I can't seem to move past them when I'm stuck in them.

Take care of yourself. I hope you find a good solution for yourself.

In God, we trust. Man will disappoint you but as long as you have God, you'll be fine. I was molested at 7 & 16. I was diagnosed with severe depression at 19. I was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder at 23. I've dealt with sorrow, hate, love, abandonment, anger, rage but those are feelings. Every human has feelings imbued to them by God. Pray. I am starting a three day fast on Feb. 13. It was supposed to be for financial security since I am currently jobless. I am going to a job fair that day though so we'll see. Join me on facebook. My name is Okiemute Esiekpe. PM sometime.

thank you, everybody.

I took your advice and didn't send the friend request. I think that it is just a hard time I am going through right now. I do agree that if he really wanted to contact me, he would have done so years ago. I also agree that I would just feel worse after because he would most likely just ignore the request.

I also have to accept the reality that I have felt for a while---that while me and my bf love each other more than I have ever loved any other man, we are not compatible in a lot of ways. there are a lot of red flags, and I really do worry that if we were to get married, he would end up cheating or we would get a divorce. i also feel like he is a good man, and he deserves someone that understands him better and makes him feel better---i often think that i do not encourage him as much as I would like

I am feeling better now and i need to just focus on being happy, getting my life together, etc.

thank you everybody for all of your encouragement. this forum helps me soooo much to just be able to be open about how i am feeling.

Million-you left something out.
YOU DESERVE a great man who loves you, understands you, and accepts you for who you are and ENCOURAGES you. You deserve someone who adores you, challenges you, and inspires you.
You'll find him, he's out there. Maybe getting your life where it needs to be is a sign, he can't find your radiant light of beauty if you're hiding it under insecurity.
You are an amazing, incredible woman. DO NOT FORGET THAT

thank you sweetcakes. I do feel that my bf is a great man. He is so kind and open minded and accepting. I just think that our personalities are so different, and while I feel that he does encourage me to be the best I can be, I don't think I do the same for him. Part of this is due to communication issues, but, I wonder that maybe someone can be better for him.

I feel like a good and strong person in general. I have been having some insecurities lately that is primarily due to weight gain, getting older, finances, professional, etc. I know I am a strong person, I just have times when I doubt my strength. I need to work on that.

You are worth more than you will ever know. There is someone perfect for you out there. I know it in my heart. There is someone perfect for all of us.

PLEASE stop blaming yourself. It may honestly just be that the two of you are not compatible. Period. End of sentence. It doesn't necessarily mean you or he are doing anything WRONG. You're just not right for each other. It happens. It feels like you're going to die when it happens, but trust me, you can and will come out on the other side with a minimum of scarring.

I may sound a lot more harsh than some people will agree to, but you cannot, and WILL not find someone who loves you, regardless of your size, until you start loving yourself. To do that, you have to put yourself first. And yes, you have to spend some time alone. You can't work on you when you're working on someone else. Professional help is probably not the worst idea ever, either. You're not crazy, and there's nothing wrong with you. But if you have a fever or a broken bone, you go see a professional to make it better. You don't fix it yourself. This isn't any different. A professional will help you find the tools you need to break through this unbelievable weight you're carrying on your shoulders, so people can see YOU first. It's not the weight on your body that's scaring people off. It's the weight on your heart and your mind.

It makes me so sad to hear you crying out for help and comfort. You're quite obviously a lovely person with a whole lot to give, but you're letting your past hold you back. You need to take the steps to stop that. Not for your boyfriend, not so you can find someone else, but because you are the most important, valuable thing you have, and if you perceive yourself as worth less than the best, everything around you is going to reflect that. You said yourself that one positive thing about you is that you are a loving person. That is indeed a very positive and beautiful thing. Treat it like the gift it is, and stop putting yourself down. PLEASE.

Thank you. Your post almost brought tears to my eyes (the good kind, of course).

You are right that I need to love myself more. I don't think I have been treating myself well---just focusing on trying to make money and staying afloat and helping my bf and worrying about family and all of that.

I knoW that I have a lot to offer and that I make a very good partner. I also know that realistically, I have been feeling for a while that me and my bf just possibly aren't the best match. Neigther of us is wrong, just maybe not compatible. It still hurts because I feel like I worry about finding someone with my bf's traits, but more overall compatability. I also feel like it is he that is breaking away from me, and not the other way around, even though I have been having my concerns for a while. I do think that I feel better if it is his decision than if it was mine...sounds weird, but I love him with all of my heart and he has been through so much that the last thing I want to be is yet another girlfriend who left him or cheated, ya know? But he is smart and kind and yeah, the reality is that we love each other, but just may not be the best for a marriage.

I have thought about seeing someone for help. I think that in reality, with all of the stuff from my childhood, that is why I feel the way I do at times. I have come to accept (though it is hard because I love my parents), that I probably have some abandonment issues. One of my parents left me and i think I took it more personally than I should have, and there was a period of time where another parent had some problems and so, I wasn't always as supervised as I should have been. That was when I started to just pig out on carbs.

I know I am a good person and I have a lot to offer. I just have to get past remembering or listening to all the negative people I have dated who have told me otherwise.

I weighed in today and I am still at 318lbs, but I have started to journal my food again, and that is a big step. I also avoided the Mickey D's drive in, though my body is craving some sort of greasy comfort.