How many of us eat in secret? Or make up lies about where all that food went? Opps, I left the ice cream on the counter and it melted, so I had to throw it away. When really you ate it all while hubby was at work. Or claim you dropped stuff and had to throw it away. When really you gobbled it all up. I know I for one need to start taking responsibilty for what I am putting into my mouth. We hide it cause we feel guilty and embarrassed. How can an intelligent person who KNOWS better, not stop eating??? I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight, yet some how I just can't seem to do it. Why is that? I guess part of this journey is accountability, and learning it's a choice we make. Just wondering who else out there is still struggling with that? I know that I can't be alone.
I don't like to eat with other people. And it's not because I think I overeat--although I do at times--it's because as a heavy person, I can't stop thinking that OTHER people think that I shouldn't eat (e.g., fat chicks shouldn't eat; they should diet). Eating in a restaurant where other people can see what I put in my mouth and judge me is tortuous.
This attitude came *way* before my weight was an issue, by the way. For some reason (I actually know the reason, but it's a long story), my mother was convinced that I was fat as a child (I'm talking like 6 or 7) and put me on a diet. So, yeah, I had to hide what I ate from her, even though I wasn't anywhere near fat. (I've seen pictures; I was average or a little below until I was about 10 or 11 and my body was gearing up to start menstruating, then I was average or below until I was 22. The message from my mom and sisters that I was fat never stopped, however. For obvious reasons, I don't like eating with my family either.)
going down, I have eaten in secret in the past..once I told my hubby I was going to aerobics class and instead sat in my car and ate an entire box of Little Debbies. there were other times I actually went to the store to buy "replacement" items to make it look like I didn't gobble up something...I also would buy donuts for us and eat two or three before I even arrived back home to eat donuts with my family..alas, I couldn't hide it any longer when I became obese..it was obvious to myself and everyone around me I had a problem
I live alone, so I'm less conscious of this issue than those of you who don't.
But I recognize the behavior in myself. I can say that I think there's something almost primal about it sometimes, though. From childhood on, I was told it wasn't polite to eat in front of other people if you didn't share or if they weren't also eating. The thing is, sometimes when I got something I really liked & wanted, I did NOT want to share. I wanted to drag the thing off, and be alone with it, and have as much as I liked, and growl over it if anyone approached. Like a dog carrying off its bone. There's this childish and primal thing going on: MINE. All of it. You can't have any. I'm going to eat it ALL UP before you can get some.
I ate in private when I felt defensive about my eating & when I felt it needed to be concealed because of social disapproval or the pressure to share, or when I felt I'd be ashamed of what I were doing. If no one saw, I was less ashamed. At first, anyway. Until the self-reproaches & remorse happened afterward.
It started during my teenage years when I was not even overweight, but I thought that I was. I would look for chances to left at home alone so that I could eat in secret.
Mags, you are also telling my story. As a child, my mother was also always talking about me being fat. After I was ten years old, I was not allowed to wear shorts or a bathing suit because "I was too big to wear those types of clothing." Looking back at pictures, I really wasn't. I was maybe 5 pounds overweight. Maybe. I would have been so much better off to be put in shorts and swimming suits and sent to play and get exercise. It also made me so self conscious.
Like Mags, I have also been embarrassed to eat in public because of fear of what other people would think about my eating. I have such a clear memory from college, 30 years ago, of going to eat at 2:30 in the afternoon so there would not be as many people around. I remember thinking that people would think that I should not be eating that hamburger. I think that this shows how unrealistic my perceptions of myself were. I was in the best shape of my life, weighing about 120 pounds. I see pictures of myself from that time, and I really was a good size.
During my years as a stay at home Mom, it exploded. I would eat and eat. I remember making a cake and eating half of it. Then so that I would not have to explain the missing half, making a second cake. Third step - hide the remainder of the first cake to eat the next day. I really think that it was a control issue. I might not be able to everything in life that I wanted to do, but no one was going to make me stop eating!
It is really sad. I knew that I could not keep the consequences of my eating secret even if I kept the eating secret. But it had a life of its own.
Boy, this thread has started something with me. I hope those days are over with now!
I saw this thread and just had to comment! Eating in secret used to be the story of my life! No one ever saw when I had a binge because I would do it when every one was asleep or in my car on the way home from work. I used to buy whole McD's meals and scarf them down in the time it took me to get from the drive-thru to the driveway (which was about 10 minutes!). Then, I would come home and snack on junk after everyone went to bed! It was really absurd now that I look back on it. And it's not like I was really hiding it from everyone because I obviously gained weight!
I still struggle with it now though, even though I've been committed to this new lifestyle for about 8 months now. I think a big part of what helps is that I confessed all of my secret eating to my mom. Told her all about what I used to do and how I sometimes still want to do it. She was very supportive and now, knowing that someone knows my secret habit makes me think twice about doing it. I'm accountable to someone and that is a big help...for me at least.
I've been a secret eater since childhood. Most of my eating patterns stem from being a heavy child and being told I couldnt have this or that or I shouldnt be eating at all. I think I've finally broke out of that behaviour.
Surprisingly, I have no issue with eating in public. We [family] go out a lot for lunch or dinner so it's not an issue for me. I think for the most part it's because it's something my mother actually enjoyed and wouldnt criticize me about - even if we went to all you can eat buffets. And also, nobody's ever said anything to me in public while I was eating. Im lucky in that respect I guess.
I used to until I broke my carb addiction. I remember that back in 2001 my husband and I bought a lot of emergency food for storage (after 9/11) and I kept having to replace the cookies and snack foods because I'd sneak down to the basement, secretly eat them, then have to run to the store and replace everything every couple of weeks (mainly banana twins and Little Debbie oatmeal creme pies).
I felt so horrible and guilty about it, and lived in dread he'd find out (he was on my case 24/7 about my weight). He never did, we're divorced now and after he moved out I tossed all the emergency food when I was getting rid of all the junk food in the house. It's a horrible feeling to have no control. At least I know now I'm not a bad useless worthless person for being unable to control this ~ I'm just a carbohydrate addict. So I stay far far away from junk carbs. They aren't permitted in my house.
I have been a secret eater for as long as I can remember. When I think back on some of the things I did, I feel very ashamed and appalled at my behavior. I don't do it as much now as I did when I was a teenager, mainly because my husband is just as dysfunctional in his eating as I am in mine, and so I generally did not feel the need to hide it from him. I often say we are like two alcoholics living together - we are each other's enablers. Thankfully, we are also each other's support, too, and right now we are both committed to living a healthy lifestyle (of course, we've been there before, too) and are in a good place right now.
But I even try to hide the truth from myself - I started entering my daily food intake on an online calorie counter, and have caught myself considering not entering something, like if I pretended that I didn't eat it, then I didn't. Thankfully I reasoned with myself during those times that the only person I was lying to and hurting was myself, and what is the point of tracking my calories if I'm not going to be truthful about it?
I think for many compulsive/emotional eaters, those behaviors begin in childhood. I was called fat from a very young age, but I look back at photos and I look the same as the other girls in the picture. It wasn't until my adolescence that I really began to gain weight - that was when I began eating and binging in secret, too.
Right now, I try to just take it one day at a time, one food choice at a time. If I stumble, I pick myself up and start again.
Thank You, for all the responses! I think part of the process of trying to lose weight, is understanding how we got to this size in the first place. I mean most of us know we gained weight because we ate more calories than we exercised to burn them....But why did we eat all that to began with??? That's what I am still trying to figure out. Hearing other peoples stories are inspiring. For those of you who have begun conquering your addictions CONGRATS!!! on the lost weight! And for those of you, like me, that are just starting the process. It's good to know were not alone. When you hear someone else's story....and it sounds a lot like yours.
Oh, I've purchased "replacement" things, too! I'm alarmed at how much of one item I can eat in a short time frame, without getting sick of it.
I can scarf a fast-food meal (always with Diet Coke, of course! ha) in a matter of minutes, too.
I saw a dreamy, huge chocolate-frosted peanut-butter rice-crispie bar at the work cafeteria this week. I was embarrassed to buy and consume such a large thing in the presence of my new coworkers, so I passed. Days later, I kept eyeing it. I secretly planned to buy one on my way out of work (when my whole team wasn't with me in the lunch room), but they were closed at the end of the day today! It's something that is way larger than one human should eat in one sitting, but I guarantee I'd have polished it off within a few hours, and probably over half of it would've been gone as soon as I brought it out to my car.
I used to sneak food as a child, mostly because my mom is a control freak and it was my way to passively rebel. After I got married and got my own car, the drive-thru was my friend. I could eat in the car and dump the evidence in the trash. I lived overseas for the last 11 years, in countries where there was no drive-thru, so I thought I'd gotten out of the habit. But since my marriage fell apart and I've been shuffled back to the U.S., and having to care for my parents who live three hours away from my vacation home, I've been sliding through again, although I only buy a single item now. Never fries, never sodas. I do try to make a wiser choice.
When I'm with my parents, I do go to Starbucks to use the Internet and get a Grande Non-fat Caffe Latte. I get my serving of dairy, it's non-fat, and if I'm having a particularly weak moment, I'll get a cookie or glazed lemon pound cake.
I'm going to be moving back to my hometown to care for my parents in the next month and I'm really worried about it. I don't want to fall into old habits. My parents are frustrating people...I mean really! I'm lucky not to be going for the liquor store on the way home! So between their house and my new place, there's a drive-thru Starbuck's, Jack-in-the-Box, Taco Bell, In and Out Burger and MacDonald's. I'll have to get a CD of the music from Chariots of Fire to play in my car and keep me focused on getting home. Wait...I just thought of something...there's a drive-thru-free alternative route back home! I'm safe!
I've done that before... one time I ate all the cookies while hubby was at work so I went to the store and bought another pack just so he wouldn't know. I'm so glad those days are behind me!
I think that we all blame ourselves, our personalities and our characters for these out-of-control binges, and our obsessive reaction to junk foods. But that's the thing: they are JUNK foods. They are designed to make you crave them! It's a biochemical thing that may stem from self-esteem, relationship issues etc - but it isn't your fault. These are addictive foods that SOME people are sensitive to. No one binges on chicken and broccoli!
When you start eating trigger foods as a child, of course you have no idea how it's going to take over your life! And because some other people don't experience sugar or carb addiction they CANNOT understand. It really is like being an alcoholic. I've done everything you guys have, and it's true one of the things that has helped has been to "come out" to my boyfriend and tell him about the lies, the binges and the cheating. Now he can be my sponsor when I need one. But realizing you have a problem and wanting to fix it is definitely the first step. Don't beat yourself up too much, overweight people can be very hard on themselves.
Eating in secret.
