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Old 01-17-2008, 05:07 PM   #1  
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Lightbulb New realizations and my mini-manifesto.

I just wanted to re-introduce myself to the list. I'm going to make a concerted effort to check in daily, again.

I've had a series of really awful realizations, again, that have destroyed me self-image, and it's time for a change.

I'm a college professor, and I gained an extraordinary amount of weight while finishing my MA and PhD a few years ago. I guess I was so deep in my books that I never really realized how my body had changed.

I just got married in October, and we've just begun to receive photos from our wedding at Christmastime. I cried. I shouldn't cry when I see my wedding photos, but I did. The gown was gorgeous, my husband was so handsome, the fall colors were fantastic, the flowers were magnificent, but there I was in all my Jabba the Hut glory. It doesn't matter how many degrees I have or how much I love my profession. It comes down to the fact that I look like a science fiction monstrosity in my own wedding photos.

This, combined with the fact that I just had to have my gallbladder removed last Friday and they nearly had to do an open removal as opposed to the more healing friendly laparoscopy, because I'm too heavy. I've lost control of my life. I need to take it back.

So here I am. Starting with new beginnings at what I know is a cliche time -- the beginning of a new year -- but I'm going to count calories and find friends who are doing the same thing so I can do this over the long term and change my habits. I won't go to McDonalds and order 4 double cheeseburgers and 2 fries and eat them until I'm sick anymore, hiding the wrappers in my car. I won't eat 6 donuts at a sitting. I won't hide food in my knitting containers because I'm afraid that my husband will find them. I'll start to walk more than just from one classroom building to the next. I'll start to hold myself accountable for everything I put in my mouth. I'll make mistakes, but I won't be destroyed by them. I will seek out help when I need it, and offer it when I can.

Because in 2 years, I'd like to take new photos with my new husband and not weep in revulsion and embarassment at the very sight of them.

I want to like myself again. And I want to feel healthy and in control again.

I know this sounds really pompous to write this to a chat room full of strangers, but I need to write it somewhere public so I am forced to see it. So I'm forced to be held accountable for what I'm writing today. So I can be reminded of these promises to myself.

So thank you. For listening. I hope to become an active member of this board in the next year and be witness to your successes and encourage you through your difficult moments.

All the best,

Last edited by FilmGrrl; 01-17-2008 at 05:15 PM.
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Old 01-17-2008, 05:18 PM   #2  
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Good for you. It's amazing how out of touch we can be with out own bodies. I wish you much success.

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Old 01-17-2008, 05:55 PM   #3  
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I'm like you - hate seeing pictures of myself. My usual solution is to be the one taking the pictures. I recently came back from a very long trip and although I took a ton of great pictures, I'm in none of them. Sadly, someone from the trip sent a couple of pictures in them, and I'm horrified.

And I understand completely about needing to talk about it in public so you feel you're accountable. Welcome, and best of luck.
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Old 01-17-2008, 06:00 PM   #4  
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Thank you for saying what I've been thinking about myself! Thank you for coming back. And welcome, looking forward to hearing from you! Bless you and definitely, good luck and best, best wishes. We'll be behind you all the way.
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Old 01-17-2008, 06:07 PM   #5  
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Your honesty and determination will give you power.

3FC is an amazing source of support. I am glad you posted your manifesto! I have total faith that you will reach your goals. Post on the days it is hard. Post on the days it is easy. We are all in this together.

And congrats on the PhD and the wedding! Whew! I'm tired just thinking about it!
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Old 01-17-2008, 06:16 PM   #6  
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and congratulations on getting married and finishing your PhD! That is a HUGE accomplishment in itself that says you have the drive and determination to make things happen in your life.

There is NOTHING pompous in what you have written. Perhaps a bit too much self-deprecation (I seriously do not think you could possibly look anything like Jabba), but otherwise I think you are at a place where many of us have arrived at where we just canít take it anymore. My one piece of advice is to first try and remove some of that negativity. I know many of us think that bad feelings can fuel us to change, but in my experience it doesnít work that way. No one wants to live in a state of unhappiness, and trying to keep yourself there to motivate yourself to lose weight probably wonít work very well. Find somewhere positive to approach this from, including declaring what you will do, more so than what you wonít.

We would be thrilled to have you join us as you start making these changes in your life. This is a great group of people who do understand what it is like to have a lot of weight to lose.
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Old 01-17-2008, 06:30 PM   #7  
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Default You are in the right place!

You finished your PHD AND planned a wedding?!? I betcha you had some major frustrations and road blocks during both of those accomplishments and you hung in there and got through them. You know what? that tells me that you have the tenacity and the patience to do anything you really want to do.

If thinking you belonged in a Star Wars episode is what got you to come back here then it was actually a positive thing. Now, shake off all that negativity and move forward. I told someone else earlier that WE are not fat. Our minds (essences, souls - whatever you like to call it) are not fat. There are no fat cells on ideas and dreams. Our bodies are holding on to some extra "stuff" that doesn't belong to us so now we have to let it go.

So, for your long term goal - decide what size dress you want to be wearing when you and that hubby of yours renew your vows so you can have the wedding pictures you deserve!
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Old 01-17-2008, 08:22 PM   #8  
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Nothing I can add that hasn't already been eloquently stated othere than WELCOME - keep posting. This is a great place. There is support you never knew possible.

See you soon,
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Old 01-18-2008, 11:44 AM   #9  
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I didn't think you sounded pompous and trust me, you are not the only one that has hidden food and food wrappers. You are more honest than me to say it right out loud and have motivated me to admit that I also have done a lot of it over the years and unfortunately got really good at it, living in a state of denial that if no one saw what I ate, they wouldn't know, never acknowledging that it was showing up on my body every day. But I haven't indulged in any "hidden eating" in 6 months now and I like myself so much more.

The past is gone, so don't beat yourself up anymore. Love yourself starting today because you have taken that first baby step to a healthier life. Just keep taking those baby steps and when you stumble, we will be here to catch you.
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Old 01-18-2008, 11:51 AM   #10  
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FilmGrrl - your words are powerful in their honesty. You will achieve this goal.

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Old 01-18-2008, 04:35 PM   #11  
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Hello and welcome to 3fc. I think I can postively say that you are not alone in hiding wrapper of food consumed. It was like if no one finds the wrappers from the 6 doughnuts I just ate they don't count. I have been there and done that. I said to myself back in March 2007 the only person I was cheating was myself with this secret binge eating. If you put your mind to it I am sure that you can achieve your goal of renewing your wedding vows now that you have put down in writing your weaknesses.

Good luck with the rest of your weight loss journey and reaching your goals.
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Old 01-18-2008, 04:42 PM   #12  
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Good Luck to you, I don't mind seeing pictures of myself... I don't always like what I see but most of the time I am happy with them!
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Old 01-19-2008, 01:07 AM   #13  
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WELCOME!! I am a college prof too. Sometimes I think I got better at academics as a way to convince myself it was okay to be fat. It was something I was good at.

I also gained weight in grad school... and then more the first few years I started my job...

But I HAVE managed to lose weight and keep it off -- even during a busy term!!

We'd love to see you post!!
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Old 01-23-2008, 01:03 PM   #14  
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Welcome.....I just wanted to say that as much as you hate those pictures now, when you have accomplished your goal you will love them because they will be a daily reminder of just how far you have come
Good luck
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Old 01-23-2008, 01:58 PM   #15  
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Oh yeah. The donut thing. Pretend, or really even INtend to buy 'em to take to work, but they don't make it out of the car, and the sick feeling afterwards is amazing - mostly because even knowing what will happen doesn't stop the face-stuffing. And I don't even especially LIKE donuts! Addiction is a powerful and horrible thing, but it CAN be dealt with, battled & defeated.

In the 3 months before my wedding I became a maniac. I was so sure I'd be the ugliest bride, I kept trying to get him to put off the wedding or elope. I was frantic every minute of every day. I wept when I had to try on gowns. My step-mom made mine and it was beautiful, but I sure hated the way I looked anyway. I gained a ton more weight after the wedding, while we drove long-haul truck for several years.

Now I look at my wedding pictures and I'm really OK with it. It's not such a horror, and apparently my DH didn't think so, or he wouldn't have been so determined to marry me. It's OK, because I know who I am inside, and that I'm changing the packaging. I haven't always done all I could, but I know I have the power, and I will keep on changing.

BRAVO for you, taking the steps to a better tomorrow! I'm glad you're here. And I'll tell you right now, that if you ever find a day, a week, a month, where you feel like you're losing to old urges, THAT is when you need to be here! Many people join when they're on top of their game, winning their daily challanges. But they drift away when they feel they aren't doing as well as they should. They don't want to own up to any little 'failure' so they hide from the board. DON'T do that. THAT is when we can help you know you AREN'T alone. We've all been there too. A stall, a gain - it's not the end of the world. Quitting is not an option, because tomorrow has too many rewards to turn away from.

Yes, we're here to celebrate success, but we're here to support, motivate, make helpful suggestions, offer a shoulder, a hug or a when needed. We're all here to walk down the same road together, each at our own pace with our own plan and our own goals, but we aren't alone here at 3FC.

Now, let's go kick some calories!
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