relationship issues
 

Hello. I'm not sure if there's a more appropriate section for this post, but since I'm at this stage of my life here goes.

I've been having random bouts of depression when I think of my sex/love life. Quite frankly, I've never had any. My weight issue put a major dent in my self-esteem when I was in my formative years, but also I'm socially behind. I think personality-wise I'm stuck in middle school, and a male one at that, and I just don't know how to be a grown-up.

Also, there's this thing I've noticed. Sometimes when I have a minor crush on a guy I would feel free to flirt with him, but when there's a possibility he likes me back, I panic and start avoiding him, and then start thinking he can't possibly like me because I'm too fat (it always comes back to that, sadly).

How do I get over this? Sorry for a depressing first post. :(

Having been with my husband for 10 years I can tell you that he's the most attracted to me when I'm attracted to myself. He says confidence is his biggest turn on. He loves when I feel good about myself and *know* I'm sexy.

If he's flirting back then he likes what he sees. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Confidence is always key. And before you do anything else you need to practice loving yourself. Weight, fitness, relationships - none of those can ever really work if you don't love yourself first in my opinion.

I reached a stage where my self loathing was so bad I had to do something... My PT got me to write down 20 things I love about myself and really focus on those. Then she got me to write down 10 things I love about my body. It was hard work as I felt like I had no good qualities at all. I'm still working on it even now.

Try to forget about men for awhile and focus on loving you. When we love ourselves, we take better care of ourselves and are naturally more confident. You'll probably find being more confident and self-assured will naturally draw people in towards you. :)

Honestly, fake it till you make it. Like written above, men love confident women. Even when I was over 300, I still dressed nice, did my hair and makeup, wore perfume and wore pretty clothes (yes I cared that I was wearing a 26-28 skirt but that's the size that fit :( ). My husband always told me how beautiful and sexy I was even when I didn't feel it. Sometimes half the battle was getting out of my stretchy clothes and into something nice.

My husband honestly doesn't treat me any different when I'm a 3x or a medium, he loves me just the same. It's me that changes when my weight isn't where I want to be.

I got checked out by a guy the other day and I was wearing a size 16 skirt. I don't feel sexy or slim at the moment. One of my friends saw the guy and whispered "He just so checked you out and smiled." My first gut reaction was that he laughed at me. :( I saw him again before we left and he winked at me. Was it a joke? I'll never know. I'm trying to be positive and think he thought I was pretty. And I made sure I smiled back. FOR ME. I'm married but I still want to feel attractive if that makes any sense. He made my whole day even though it means nothing. But I have to keep seeing the positive vs. the old fearful bad esteem feeling.

You deserve to be loved, checked out, appreciated, spoiled, etc. regardless of your weight. :hug:

Thank you for the replies, all. :)

This thread may be a little old, but I'll jump in and say that confidence is key. I think we (women) focus too much on having a perfect body and I know now (in my old age!!!!) that men are more attracted to the confidence and how we present ourselves (rather than our actual size).

There was this woman who was the wife of a classmate of mine who showed me in reality. Her husband was very attractive, fit, and intelligent (we were doing a Master's degree together) and I really liked her as well after we met. She and I went out to dinner one night and she told me she had PCOS (like me!) and she was fun and friendly and flirty that night (despite being married!) and I could see how other guys would be attracted to her. She was more overweight than I was -- she is still easily about 250lbs (maybe more?). But the way she carried herself, how intelligent she was, and how open and funny about everything made her attractive. Meeting her and becoming her friend made me realize that it was NOT about the outside. Here was my role model -- she was much heavier than her husband (who was hot!) and she was clearly still attracting others. Her husband knew he was lucky.

They are still married, as I saw them recently, with two kids. I still hold her as a role model for overweight women, including myself. It's about your personality and confidence, it's not about your weight. It took me a long time to realize that and even now, I sometimes forget it.

I wish she was online on these forums so she could post her philosophy.

Flirt back with your guy. Don't let your weight issues get in the way.

The thing is, you may not be ready for a relationship and that's why you panic and sabotage anyone liking you back. You may want to ask yourself if you are ready -- you don't have to be. People mature at different times and only recently have I felt like a grown up myself...

I wish there was a "like" button here!

Sort of on the same topic here..so happy to hear that your husbands are so great and find you attractive.

Mine is the opposite...no compliments when I try to look nice/sexy. I am always giving him compliments....realize that I've gained quite a bit of weight but I feel like when he looks at me it's with disgust. Sex life has been non existent for several years..yes I've attempted everything to get him in the mood but to no avail. Tried talking to him about it but he shuts down and refuses to discuss.

thoughts from anyone ?

Marriage counselling time jake.

My marriage got weird when I started losing weight and taking better care of myself; my husband got extremely jealous and even accused me of cheating on him, more than once. It's been very difficult to balance trying to make him believe that I'm doing this for me (tanning, haircuts, working out, buying sexy lingerie) because it boosts my confidence and makes ME feel sexy for HIM. The funny thing is, he's working out with me and losing weight too! It's totally bizarre.

I agree with Ian. I would see if you can afford to go to MC and he's open to it. MC isn't because your marriage is dying, it's the opposite -- to help you communicate better with each other.

You may still love one another, but you may have bad communication habits that are preventing each of you from being able to express what's really going on and have emotional intimacy that you also need for physical intimacy.

I would look for a MC that you like and start talking to your husband about attending. You can still go to the MC even if your husband doesn't go -- that can help the MC understand what you're trying to do and the resistance your husband is giving you.

But I do hope he goes. I think it's incredibly beneficial.

Jake - has he ever paid you compliments on a regular basis? I say that because some people just don't think about it. Typically, we model what we've seen growing up. My DH didn't always pay me compliments, etc. but in his defense his parents never compliment each other. He||, he's only seen them kiss 3 times in his life and they don't hold hands. They've been happily married for over 30 years - they just express their love differently. So, he didn't equate love/romance with compliments UNTIL I explained to him how important it was to me. He's made an effort since, but it definitely didn't come naturally to him. Just a thought...

There will always be guys who aren't interested in dating someone because of their body... No matter how fantastic your personality is, etc, there will still be some guys that wouldn't consider dating someone overweight.
That being said, if someone is flirting with you- they are attracted to you... It's hard to let go of the fears, but I agree with the above person ... fake it til you make it :)

Just came across this thread and wanted to share. Been mostly the same weight throughout my relationship, and he just started to pull away. When I finally confronted him about it, he told me he was no longer attracted to me. What a blow that has been and it has spurred me to really concentrate on losing weight. He is overweight himself and not much of a prize, but those poor choice of words will haunt me for a long time to come, even though he's been out of my life and home for months.

Glad I came through this thread, and found great advices!